Blown Away ©

Remember that show, Kids say the darndest things hosted by the Ex nice guy Bill Cosby.

You know when your kids come up with shit when they are like 5 or 6 years old that leaves you dumbfounded just before you give yourself a hernia from laughing so hard.

Well, it doesn’t stop at that age, in fact from what I can tell it only gets more…. what’s the word I am looking for…… complicated.

I have an open relationship with my kids and or any kid if they have the guts so come and ask me the hard questions.

Now, I have a thicker skin than most but not by much so I have to suppress a lot of emotions that come naturally to a parent so that I can be in the loop for my kids when they really need me.

That said, my 24 year old stopped by the other day to tell me what happened around Valentines Day.

She now lives with her boyfriend so she decided to do something romantic for them on Valentines Day and maybe a little naughty.

Yes my kids talk to me about the sex issues not their mother.

“I went to the sex shop the other day”.

“WHAT”!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You went to Wicked Wanda’s without me”?

“You know how much I love that store”.

“Who was behind the counter, was it the tall blond with the big tits or the raven hair goddess with the round ass”?

“It was the the chubby one”.

“Ah yes, Raul”.

“No, it was the chubby girl”.

“Yeah Raul, he’s a transsexual”.

“You mean a girl pretending to be a guy”?

“No, a guy being a woman”.

“You mean the whole time I was asking questions to a guy”.

“Well, if you want to call Raul a guy, I guess, yeah”.

“So what did you buy”?

“Really he’s a guy”?
”Yeah, yeah, get over it and tell me what did you buy”.

“I bought coffee flavoured lubricant”.

“Ah, so you like flavour of coffee”?
”Not really but the boyfriend does”.

“I see, but usually the person using it gets the flavour they like”.

“Why”?

“Well if you’re going to put some in your mouth to lubricate his cock you would think you would like to taste a flavour that appeals to you”.

“WHAT”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

“I just put it on my lips to kiss him”.

“Oh……..did you slide off his face”?

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, I just realized she told me she used it an loved how it tasted”?

“You mean Raul”?

“EWWWWWWWW………..”

The oldest called me the other day.

''Hi Dad''

"Hey, How’s it going"?

"The boyfriend wants to have kids".

"AH, I see".

"I don’t know what to do"?

"Well, you got to get naked first".

"NO, I know that part, I don’t want kids".

"Then don’t get naked……."

Kids, it never ends

Have a nice weekend

Walker

Hospitalville ©

It’s 8 am and I’m sitting here stoned and looking at another 5 rolled joints.

Today I am taking a break from life.

The cats are joisting in the corner with the smallest one winning by the looks of it.

I feel like a general who has been winning all the battles but loosing the war

 On top of what responsibilities I had I have had to help a couple of friends in need, morally and physically being there for some tough news.

Last month as I was watching the TV around 10pm I get a call from a friend who is not feeling well.

I have been telling her for years she has to quit drinking.

She drinks no less than a litre of wine in a few hours, gets drunk and passes out.

She says her nose has been bleeding for hours and won’t stop and she doesn’t feel so good.

So I get up and drive over to her place.

Using the spare keys she left with me in case something ever happened I walk in and find her sprawled on the floor trying to get up.

Hauling her ass up she puts on her outer gear and we climb the stairs from her tomb apartment to the outside where she throws up and stream of blood across the white snow.

I’m thinking this can’t be a good thing.

I put her in the back seat and peeled off actually more like slid off to the hospital.

Pulling up to emergency I mostly carried her to reception where the nurse put her in a wheelchair and asked us to wait in the reception area.

In the reception area there were about 50 people already there waiting to see a doctor.

I hate this.

First I hate hospitals yet I find myself always in one for someone else.

Then there is the 6-8 hour wait in emergency.

Why do they even call it that I don’t know for a place for an emergency they should take a long time getting to you.

So we are sitting next to these people who she starts convulsing and projectile vomit flies out of her mouth all of which is red and black blood clots.

I mean., lots AND LOTS OF IT.

I freaked out but not as much as the rest of the people in the room as they watchthe growing lake of blood around us on the floor.

When I looked around the room people got so scared the ran out of emergency probably thinking there were in the presence of an Ebola carrier.

I the nurses ran over and rushed her off to the back where they started to undress her.

I sat on the other side of the curtain waiting.

After a few hours they determined, she was anaemic hence the nose bleeds and because she hadn’t pinched her nose properly the blood was running down her throat and pooling her stomach then she would puke it out.

That wasn’t her only problem,
She was going through alcohol with drawls and her body started shaking uncontrollably.

It took three of us to hold her down until they could strap her into the bed.

After some blood work they drugged her up and put her on a saline drip.

That’s when I turned and left the hospital only to find a forty-dollar ticket on the car.

In the morning 7 am to be exact the phone rings, it’s buddy and he needs to go to the hospital.

Are you fucken kidding me and he has to go to a hospital at the other end of town.

Pardon me while I have another joint.

Is 9 am to early for a beer?

Yeah, maybe, I’ll have a scotch instead…..

ARG!!!!!

Single malt scotch after Kellogg’s cornflakes don’t go so well.

Oh yeah much better now

LA LA LA

Oh, oh yeah, so here I am at 7am dragging my arse out of bed, fighting with two cats for my pants and one who likes untying my boot while I am tying up the other one.

Twenty minutes later I am in the hospital waiting room of yet another hospital.

I swear if he started puking blood……..

Eight hours later I drive him home.

As I was driving off I figured I would go to the other hospital to see how my other friend was doing.

I had called her son the night before to inform him his mother was at the hospital.

They don’t always get along and it’s mostly because of her drinking.

Parking the car in the lot this time I marched through emergency towards the restricted area where I gauged me steps to someone walking towards the door from the other side so that when they opened the door and walked through a step passed them and into the back without the hassle of being told I wasn’t on her family list.

Walking past rows of full beds I find hers.

Curtain wide open she is sitting on the side of the bed, topless and in a jumbo diaper.

At that moment all I could think of was Homer Simpson.

Hello, a little common decency would be fucken nice.

I walked into the cubical and asked how she was.

No answer.

I looked into her eyes and she was totally out of it.

I was jealous.

Turning I took a hospital robe from a cart and covered her tits then pushed her back onto the bed and covered the bottom of her body.

Inside I was pissed and wanted to rip someone apart for how I had found her but I just sat there and waited for someone to show up which they did.

After I got the report from the doctor I put in my ten cents of what I found and how people should be treated.

He wasn’t amused with what I told him I found but I don’t expect him to care much either.

That evening my mother called screaming my father was dieing.

I am out the door and next door in a blink

My father was grasping the counter trying to stay up with my mother crying and freaking out next to him.

He has had the flu and I took him to the doctor just that day and he was told he had the flu and bronchitis.

He was prescribed medication and was told it would take a few days for them to kick in.

My parents being well into their 80’s any small incident to them is dieing.

My father is worse.

All the way back from the doctors he is telling me, “ I am dieing”

We all are I tell him but he says he is dieing now.

At home that day I laid out his medications and told them what to take and when.

Easy peazy for the average person but Greek immigrants are not average.

Antibiotics for the bronchitis once a day

Benadryl for his throat and the chest congestion 3 times a day

3 puffs from the inhaler 2 times a day

Pepto for his stomach

Tylenol 3 times a day.

Easy right?

My mother gives him 1 Tylenol for the whole day

Syrup once for the whole day

3 puffs from the wrong inhaler

Instead of pepto for his upset stomach she gives him Galveston, which does the opposite and traps all the gas in my father who is now bloating like the Pillsbury doughboy.

I call for an ambulance because he really thinks he is cashing in his chips.

I also called my brother to tell him the old man is in trouble but he said he was busy watching the Leafs game at the bar and would call my SIL to come down, no, I didn’t call her, he is his father.

Now I am pretty stressed out.

I haven’t really slept in days and all this hospital shit is getting to me.

The Paramedics got there quick and had set up shop next to my father in under ten minutes of my call,

It helps living 2 blocks away.

By the time my SIL showed up with my niece they had determined he OK to stay home and if things seemed worse they would rush right over.

That’s when she walked in and heard them say that.

She started saying our doctor was no good and they should take him to the hospital.

She went on to say her mother is a doctor and she took nursing classes and she believed my father should go to the hospital.

That’s about when I lost it.

First off, her mother is a psychiatrist or something like it.

Secondly, thinking about being a nurse isn’t the same as being one.

Thirdly my doctor through her out because she used to go to see him with 100 different ailments she found on the internet and had already decided what the doctor should do before he even looked at her.

Oh yeah, I went ballistic.

“Get the FUCK out of this house now you stupid BITCH”.

She went to say something.

‘Shut your fucken trap and get out”.

This is where the ambulance attendant, a young guy in his 20s though his balls had fully grown decided to step in.

He tells me to watch my language in front of my niece.

At that moment, language wasn’t an issue, my niece hears worse at home from her mother’s mouth and this was about my father not this bitch.

Walking towards her I pointed to the door and said in no muffed voice.”GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW”.

What does the attendant do?

He says “Shut up”.

I stopped half way down the hall and turn around.

“What”?         

I walked right back to him and in a calm voice said “Say it again”.

“Tell me to shut up in my house again”.

The female attendant knew he fucked up the first time.

Everything up until my SIL showed up was cordial but I guess he was mesmerized by her fake tits and didn’t see the real danger infront of him.

He walked away and the SIL beat it out the door leaving my niece behind.

She later told the male attendant her mother talks to much.

He came an apologized to me for stepping out of line before he left.

My SIL has yet to speak to me, WHOOOO HOOOO

My female friend got out of the hospital but two days later fell and fractured her knee after getting drunk when she found out she had cancer in her girly bits.

This is just a tiny bit of my life.

A 24 hour period to be exact.

Sigh, I need better pot

Have a nice weekend

Walker

Words Of Wisdom ©

A kid today asked me ``Why do you say fuck so much``
Why the fuck do I know, because I'm Canadian.
No, that wasn’t my answer
So I think about it for a bit.

Let’s see, I was born on the border of Quebec and Ontario to immigrant parents.
On one side they want you to be French and on the other side they want you to be English. At home they want you to be Greek.
The French don’t understand the English
The English don’t care to understand the French and the Greeks they never understand period but they all understand one word.
Fuck.
So my answer was simple. ``Fuck off kid``

Have a nice weekend

 Walker

The Walker News ©

I’ll just pretend I haven’t been gone for I don’t know how long.

I have so much to blog about I have stopped blogging.

Weird

The world is gone to hell and back.

They are talking about marriage licenses that will have to be renewed every five years thus avoiding divorces, you just don't renew.

I wonder if you would have to go for an emissions test every two years as well.

Better stop eating tex-mex food if you do.

The United States still has a Black president.

To be honest with you I thought he would have been shot by Dick Cheney in a golfing accident by now.

I like Obama.

You know who else I like, John McCain

I bet if Party lines were abolished the world would be a lot better place.

Just like I believe if we nuked the Middle East all our problems would be over and just think how many condos they could build there in 500 years when its safe from radiation.

Germany won the world cup and Brazil is still suffering from poverty.

They are planning on sending astronauts to Mars.

Apparently they will have to sleep for three years.

Now, not to sound prejudice or racist in any way but just going by the stereotypical representation portrayed by Hollywood over the last hundred years, isn't this just another job suited for illegal Mexicans?

I’m just saying.

There is a major Ebola outbreak in Africa, U.N. workers have evacuated the area but say even though the best authority to the disease died from it we are told there is nothing to worry about.

In other news, displaced U.N. workers have volunteered for the mission to Mars

Toyota stock holders celebrated another GM recall.

Putin denies giving ground to air missiles to Ukrainian separatists and its true.

He gave them to the Russian soldiers before they became Ukrainian separatists

Jay Leno is gone, Letterman is still here and Conan has made Purgatory his home.

This is just a bit what has been going on in the world which in some way still effects you and me.

T’ill next time, whenever the fuck that will be, chow and good health, wealth to everyone.

Have a nice weekend

Walker

Pussy Footing Around ©

So I am laying on the couch watching the news about the happenings going on in the Ukraine.

Now I have an opinion on the situation but this post isn’t about my opinion but more about the posturing the world and the parties involved are performing.

Let’s face it, it’s already a done deal but for the dancing.

As I am watching the TV, two of my four cats come bouncing in like two seasoned fighters, circling each other trying not to expose a vulnerable target for the other to attack.

Like two black panthers, mother, daughter slowly closed the gap between them coiled up like two heavy duty springs ready to explode in a cascade of claws and fur.

Looking away from the TV and Putin’s “I don’t give a fuck about anyone” look, Alice sprung at her mother, wrapping herself around her neck clawing and biting as hard and as fast as she could.

Just as Obama came on the news babbling about something I didn’t hear but I could hear him telepathically speaking to Putin,

“ What the fuck are you doing bitch|?

“Couldn’t you have done all this quietly or waited until I was gone from office”?

“Can’t you see I got my hands full with heath care, immigration and that fucken cry baby Biden constantly whining about Hillary running for president but no, you have to go out there stomping your little feet in those big shoes pissing everyone off and blaming me again for not doing something”.

That’s when Elvira rolled over Alice and tore into her belly.

Screaming with pain Alice tried to escape but she was done and knew it so she went limp giving up.

This is where the point I am trying to make come to light.

When Elvira was sure she had won, she starts licking the others ass and this isn’t the first time I have seen this.

Every time the battle is over the winner licks the other ones ass.

Do these animals know something that we don’t or did they find my stash and are getting high.

But you know, as I am sitting here thinking about this, we do it too.

Think about it.

WWII, The bad guys, Italy, Germany, Japan.

They were responsible for destroying most of the world and the architects behind the annihilation of millions of souls.

We, the allies kicked their butts and won.

We beat them so bad they had to bend over for us to lick their butts after the war so they could become better off than we are today.

Same thing isn’t it?.

The victor gets to suck ass and watch their economy go down the drain while the vanquished rise out of the ashes better than they started and with our tax money to boot.

Maybe we need to loose once in a while to get our asses licked?

I wonder who has the longer tongue, Putin or Obama?

The only thing we know for sure is as politicians they will be forked tongues.

As Elvira licked away, out of the corner of my eye I spot Salem, the 30 pound tomcat walk by down the hall with a medium pizza box clenched in his mouth eagerly being followed by his son Ozzy.

I see more ass licking down the road.

Have a nice day

Walker

What Season Is It Again? ©

So let’s do a recap of the weather of late.

A month ago we got snow by the yard.

Not inches and hell not centimetres, maybe meters.

I have seen lots of snow and pushed it off but this is the first time I had to dig my way out.

You know you are in trouble when you look where you have the snow blower chained at and you can’t see it.

It’s there, somewhere.

After hours of battle with the big white ugly we built a small mountain on the side of the road for my tax money to go to work, eventually.

Totally exhausted I remember coming in and passing out for a couple of hours or maybe a little more but when I woke up and looked out the window the small mountain wasn’t there any more.

It was buried under a fresh new pile of white shit.

This time the snow was a third of the way up the door.

It’s like the fucken beginning of October, winter is supposed to start in December.

What the fuck is this shit?

Where the hell are you supposed to put this crap when the street is already full?

I think we are all going about this snow removal business in the wrong way.

We got to get a little Eskimo on this shit.

Where’s Si from Duck Dynasty I need some back up here.

I love Duck Dynasty.

We have rednecks here to, we just call it frostbite.

Build Igloos with the damn stuff.

You know that mud room you always wanted to build in the front but couldn’t afford.

Here’s your chance, build it and in the spring it will just melt away watering your lawn for spring as it goes.

Maybe that garage you always wanted to put you car in during the winter.

Make some forms for blocks and start building, more fun than shovelling.

After the blizzard from hell passes, Hell freezes over.

-50?

Give me a break.

This isn’t Winnipeg.

Actually it’s colder there, so cold Winnie’s Poo would bounce and shatter when it hits the ground.

A solid week of frigid weather.

They are bitching in Atlanta Ga. that its –10.

Big deal, cover your peaches with a hanky it’s –50 up here for us.

You could get your tongue stuck licking a exposed nipple…… I guess that wouldn’t be so bad though.

Now, this coming Saturday it’s going to be 8 decrees.

8?

-50 last week and 8 this weekend.

What’s next, a meteor shower?

The weatherman said it will be like paradise and should rename the city Ottalulu.

Does this idiot even know what paradise is?

Probably got a blowjob while he slept and woke up happy.

It was the dog moron, probably looking for a drop of fluid because his water bowl was frozen.

Over in the UK they have 50-60 foot waves.

You can tell they never seen waves that big before and hoards of them run to the wharfs to watch these massive blankets of water come crashing down on them.

HELLO when there is a 50 foot wave bearing down on you, you don’t park under it, then feebly try to out run it as your car is washed out to sea.

For all those people who don’t believe in global warming you can kiss my frozen ass and for those who named it global warming, you have done way too much LSD.

Global FUBAR would be more appropriate.

Stay warm

Walker

Come Back Little Sheba Walker ©

Come back, I haven’t left Gab, I’m still here.

I’m not as motivated as I used to be I guess.

Maybe I’ve lost my Mojo.

Hmmm, so this is how Curly must have felt without Mo and Jo.

Just a lone stooge without his MoJo.

Yes there is Larry but he’s just a balding clown.

What have I been up too?

Well, alot actually but mostly taking care of my parents………..let me rephrase that.

I'm busy being tortured by my parents.

Don’t get me wrong I love my parents to death which doesn't really say mush as they are still alive.

My father is loosing his license in 32 days.

He got into an accident with a bicycle and this pretty much spelled the end of his driving.

It’s funny how the system works though.

You are not fit to drive but they let you keep your license for 60 more days

It’s like a farewell tour for your drivers license where you can kill a couple of pedestrians and not worry about loosing points on your license with the added bonus that your insurance company, who has been sucking the money out of your for 50 years has to pay for it.

Just crank up Radar Love on the squawk box and tear up the Walmart parking lot as you zigzag around the shopping carts hitting shopper after shopper pushing them.

Last week my father went shopping with my mother's brother who is 87.

He lost "his" license 3 years ago when he stopped at a red light and fell asleep.

He did have his seat belt on though.

So my father and uncle are at the mall shopping then proceed to head out to the car but have a little trouble finding it when out of the corner of his eye my father spots it not to far away.

They head to it and my father gets in first and opens the door for my uncle.

As my uncle goes to put his stuff in the back with the other things they had earlier picked up he finds that all his things are gone.

My father looks back and yup, their stuff was stolen.

Looking around the car my father noticed some of his personal stuff was missing as well and to add insult to injury the thieves had stuffed a box of tampons in the middle console.

Sitting back in the car seat my father looked around the car some more and it dawned on him that this, wasn't his car.

My uncle said you never seen two old men move so fast.

They were scared they were going to be arrest for grand theft auto.

Not far off my father found his car with my uncle’s belongings still in the back.

My 85 year old mother sprained her hip so now she is having to use a cane.

She uses it to walk but mostly she uses it to knock things down she can’t reach up high in the cupboard.

According to her if she had known this little tit bit before she would have sprained her ass years ago.

I got two kittens a while back.

Salem and Vagina.

Inia made me change Vagina’s name because she didn't want to have to explain to her eight year old's teachers how he got his arms scratched up while playing with vagina over the weekend.

So now we call her Elvira.

This is just a bit of what I have been up too.

I know I don’t post here as much as I used to and I will try too but I am still around and always will even if i didn't have any readers.
Sitting here procrastinating until I do write something.

Have a nice day

Walker

Up In Smoke ©

So I am standing in the corner thinking no one’s around to see me so I spark one up and immediately start coughing and spewing whatever has been clinging to my lungs for the last five decades.

Just then from behind a curtain, a contingent of what looked like well dress Klu Klux Klan members emerged and passed through the thick cloud of smoke I had just puked out.

A couple of them staggered back against the wall.

I don’t know if it was from the smoke or that they thought they had just taken their last breaths because they were all that ancient.

As they recovered and proceeded to go down the hallway I began getting a little paranoid as some people do who are swimming in an ocean of THC.

I was thinking one of them might tell the local cops about the funny smelling incense.

I looked around and found a door that looked like the shutter of a window so I opened it to let the smoke out before I got pinched by the spear chucking jesters.

No sooner had I opened the shutter, a loud roar rose from outside and I could hear running footsteps coming towards me.

That was it, I knew I was busted.

Banned from another country.

The poster boy for Interpol.

Probably to be thrown in some deep underground prison cell with only the shroud of Turin to keep me warm.

Grabbing some clothes from a nearby closet to help disguise my escape, I stepped out only to be mobbed and carried off by those same well dressed Klu Klux Klan members.

I thought my ass was fucked for sure

It was worse.

Long story short.

Have a nice weekend

Pope Cheech AKA Walker

Tagged Again ©

Devilish Angel recently tagged with something I have already done at least twice before but I am still going to do it because I have noticed that as the years pass what I like changes as does life and mostly my aching body.

10 facts about me

1. I am “the quiet man” so don’t wake me up

2. I say things as they are

3. I have a “you get what you see attitude”

4. I hate technology, it makes me crazy

5. I am a computer tech

6. I became a father 20 years after my kids were born

7. I regret not becoming a politician

8. I studied to be an architect

9. Loved being a trucker

10. I love smell of car exhaust in the morning  

Questions for the nominated bloggers

1.Whats is your favorite sports?

My favorite sports, is that to to play or watch?

At my age with this battered body, the only sports I can play have to involve the bed or couch and within arm reach of the phone to be able to call 911 if something else was to arise than the normal culprits.

Sports I like to watch is football, grid iron that is and women’s figure skating.

2.How you face critical problems?

Hmmm, it depends on the problem.

My readers, when I had some would tell you I have a spotted past, and I don’t mean the measles but I have had those too.

Lets see, an example.

First I am rational

Three seconds later I become irrational.

This is where I call in a couple of friends and head off to the daycare where I have them throw someone out the basement window.

3.One thing about which you are proud about yourself

I went back to school in my late 30s to finish the education I had abandoned 20 years earlier

4.Most happiest moment in your life

When I finally got my foreskin unzipped from my pant’s zipper.

That and when my kids were born.

I guess they go hand and hand or is that zipper and skin, had to get free to make kids

5.The word which you hate to use

“Hate” but I do and I mean it.

6.What is your dream location that you want to visit?

I have a lot of dream locations.

Machu Picchu, Egypt, New Orleans, Antarctica, Fiji, Las Vegas but most of all, the Moon.

So I can look down on our beautiful planet, drop my pants and tell all the bastards fucking it up to kiss my ass.

7.How can you describe yourself?

Timid

8.Your favourite subject in school.

Recess and gym, it’s a tie

9.Tell about your first crush.

I was 8 she was 14 and had big boobs after I kissed her I walked into oncoming traffic which led me to a body cast and 12 months of learning how to walk.

My friend married her down the road and he’s still miserable.

10.Tell about one of your childhood adventure.

Wow, growing up on the street I didn’t really have a childhood, life was the adventure.

Tell you what, Here is something from an earlier post that might help out for this question.

Wasted Youth Revisited

11.Ambition in your life.

To be all I can be in what comes my way.

I guess that’s it.

I don’t normally tag people but it anyone feels like trying this by all means knock yourselves out.

Have a nice day

Walker

Unisex ©

It’s funny how time changes people.

The other day I am at the mall with a friend going to the electronics store to buy something we don’t need but will fill in some of the boredom.

Now for me, if it wasn’t for my aching bones I wouldn’t think I was older than 25. 

I don’t have a recent image of me in my brain, probably because I don’t spend as much time in front of the mirror as I did when I was twenty five so that’s who I see when I think of myself.

It might sound weird to some of you but hey, I never said I wasn’t.

I walk down the halls and have to keep telling myself that I am 53, but damn it’s hard when a chick walks by with big tits and clothes so tight she probably wore them when she was in grade six.

And buddy he’s no better he’s like “ I’d like to run that down and tear her apart”.

I think for a second then look at him. “Tear what apart, the other day you lost a fight with your zipper and shit your pants in Best Buy”.

“She shows you her tits and you’ll be coming from both ends just before you die of a heart attack or an aneurysm if not both at the same time”.

He looks at me then says he has to go to the washroom to fart.

How the fuck did we get from hot chicks to farting in the same breath and I am in shock.

He wants to go to the washroom to fart.

How freakin polite is that?

Who are you?

“Since when did you start caring about other people that you are going to go to the washroom to sneeze your ass”?

“Just go over in the corner and crack the marble floor or even better go into that bra store and see how many you can choke out of there topless”.

“No it’s not that he”.

“Getting older has done weird shit to me”.

“When I need to go for a dump all I do is fart but when I need to fart I end up crapping my pants so now when I need to fart I go for a crap instead”.

‘Wow, how old are you, two years older than me eh”.

Wow do I have lots to look forward too.

Eventually we ended up in the food court.

The place was warming with people.

Young, old, middle aged but mostly people in their twenties.

We sat there chopping down on our quarter pound of scorched flesh, washing it down with a glass of gold suds while everyone else around us ate salads yogurts stir fried vegetables.

I told buddy maybe we should be eating more vegetables and he said they would only make him fart more.

After eating we got into a heated discussion over a couple at one of the tables.

I said they were lesbians.

He insisted that one of them was a guy with girlish looks.

I told him no he was a she.

This went on for about ten minutes and got to the point where I was about to punch him in the head.

I had to settle this so I got up and went to their table and politely lied that my watch had stopped and was wondering if they had the time.

This way I could get a better look and hear their voices.

Thirty seconds later I walked back to the table and sat down.

“Well” buddy asked?

.”The guy you think is a guy with girlish looks, Is a girl so you are wrong and I am right”.

“How do I know you are not lying”.

“I’m not done”.

“The other one is not a girl like we both thought, it’s a guy”.

“FUCK OFF”.

Yup, times have changed.

Going to mall isn’t what it used to be.

Maybe I should spend more time looking into the mirror……or going to the mall more HA HA HA

Walker

Huh ©

I am sitting on the couch watching the Olympics when the phone starting singing.

It used to ring but these new phones sing now.

There’s progress for you.

The guy on the other end of the phone says his name is Dave MacAlister.

Dave MacAlister?

Must be from the Clan MacAlister from Scotland but there is a problem.

He has a Hindu accent.

Really, you think I am that stupid?

You think I can’t tell the different between a Scottish accent and a Indian accent.

Unless some of the clan got a little frisky back in the day when India was a British colony and came home with a little David Dilip MacAlister in tow.

How's the haggis I asked?

He said he wasn’t married.

I asked him where he was from and he said  Dublin Scotland.

These people make me nuts

Gunga Din's revenge

Have a nice day

Walker

What's On ©

Tv sucks

I am tired of reruns of shows that were never good to start with

I have seen every damn home improvement and wedding dress show there is out there.

Really, I am pretty sure not only can I help your bride choose a fucken dress I can build you a house to live in too.

You would think with all the advances in technology we can get some really cool programming and what do we get.

The Kardashians, Mob wives.

Mob wives?

Who’s producing the show, the FBI?

Lately the commercials are more entertaining than the shows 

How scary is that?

Oh, Oh have you noticed you can say “screwed’ on live TV but they bleep out “Fucked”.

Really?

Oh, and you can say crap but not “Shit”.

Are you kidding me?

The Olympics are starting tomorrow.

Have you noticed how the Olympics are the only thing that hasn’t evolved like everything else.

Papyrus became paper and paper because a laptop.

Horses turned into planes, trains and automobiles.

The Olympics never evolved like that.

I mean if it was to evolve properly under the same criteria then they would have to use weapons they have today because the Olympics were based on the art of war.

So the shot put would have to be replaced with a hand grenade.

The javelin with a rocket launcher.

See how far you can chuck one of those and stay behind the line.

The marathon would have to be run with a 40 pound back pack and the discus would have to be a land mine.

We can get rid of Boxing, Judo, karate and Greco/roman wrestling and just have MMA, maybe Dana White can help out there.

No more need for hurdles when you can use coiled out razor wire

I miss the old Olympics from the 70s and 80s when everyone took steroids.

Somewhere Ben Johnson is saying “Me too”.

I remember the Russian weightlifting team back then.

They had one guy that looked like Paul Bunion’s blue ox, “Babe”

What do you say to a guy who picks up 500 pounds over his head.

“Coo chi coo chi coo chi”?

I wonder what’s on the radio?

I remember people talking about gathering around the radio on Saturday nights when they were small to listen before there was TV.

They  used to have those murder mystery serials on and people would try to figure out who done it.

I would be trying to envision how big the lead actresses tits were.

T.V. sucks

Have a nice day

Walker

What's In A Name ©

The heat wave continues and what do I not want to do when it’s this hot?

Go outside but it’s what I have to do now that my father doesn’t drive.

That’s a whole other post or posts.

Today it was to take him to the bank so he can get some international money orders in euros.

You would think it would be a simple task.

Euros instead of dollars but nothing is simple.

We even have an account with only euros in it but even that didn’t help.

The Asian girls was doing her best but she said she had only done one once before and didn’t remember how?

I should have left right then but my father needed it done so I stood there while three tellers now gathered in a circle to try and figure out how to do it.

An hour later, she comes up to me all smiles and hands me the cheque.

I look down at them and ask her why it costs 380 euros for make a money order for 300 EUROS.

She said it was dollars.

I pointed out to her that she was taking it out of a euro account not a regular one.

She stood there with a blank look on her face then ran off to find the two other tellers to start the process again but this time it was worse.

Now they had to figure out how to cancel the first two money orders before they could draw up new ones.

Now the three Asian girls were some language I didn’t understand

When my parents first opened their account there it was mostly European immigrants but over the last thirty years China town has crept in and it’s part of it now.

We have no problems with that in fact we never noticed or cared about it until I wanted to know what the fuck they were talking about.

It took two fucken hours to get two money orders.

I stood there for two hours watching people walk by do their business and go.

There was one though.

She came in and asked to have a 200 euro note broken down into ten twenties.

The teller had to go find a manual the size of one of those encyclopedia dictionaries to see how to do it.

I knew I was fucked right there.

In the end and about half an hour of this woman’s time she tells her she has to go to one of those money exchange places because the bank doesn’t have any euros on hand and would have to order them.

You know, if you are a world wide bank then you should have some amount of currency from the most popular countries.

I mean, the euro is used as currency in almost half the world.

With the money orders in hand and checked to make sure no more screw ups had happened I passed them to my father then looked to the teller’s name tag to thank her personally and my brain froze.

As I looked at her name my brain was working at high speed trying to interpret the information and come out with a respectful response….but I couldn’t find one.

As a kid kids made fun of my name because they couldn’t say it and as hurtful as I remember that being at the time, I am happy I didn’t have her name.

I am sure it is a proud name from where her family comes from but I think it looses a lot of that in the translation here.

I am sure that if her parents knew forehand that they were moving here and with the knowledge of our language they may have chosen another name for their lovely daughter.

So I took her first name and tried different variations to try and make it properly palatable.

There was nothing I could do with the last name, it was only two letters, Ho.

The first name was a problem, Kunt.

How do you say thank you.

Like I am thank you john, or thank you Mary, or thank you Betty.

How does thank you Kunt work in the bank.

Ho’s no better.

Thank you Ho.

I tried giving the “u” a long sound and got “Koooont”.

Made me sound like an old horny owl.

She hung her hand out to be shaken and once more my eyes went to her nametag and I was wishing she had bigger tits to look at instead of the tag.

I took her hand and thanked her the best I can.

“Thank you Miss Ho”

“Who, it’s pronounced Who”

Kunt

Have a nice day

Walker

Yeah Man ©

Nothing I seem to do is the easy way.

It’s always the long or hard way.

I don’t know if I do it to myself or it’s supposed to be that way?

Whichever it never seems to be boring.

Like when I went down under.

It took me 40 freaking hours.

FORTY!!!!!!!!!!

Others do it in like, 24 hours.

On the way back it took 22.

Maybe they were in a hurry to get rid of me and flew faster I don’t know but that’s still 18 hours faster.

Took me 15 hours to get to my resort recently.

Took everyone else 6.

W.T.F!!!!!

How come I always get the scenic route?

I bump into my travel agent one day and ask him.

“Hey Jimmy, why did it take me 40 hours to get to New Zealand”?

“Ah” he said “ I wanted you to get there during the day time, so we delayed you 18 hours ………………….“Are you a fucken moron”?

“Were you born in Newfoundland”?

I spent so much time in terminals I felt like I was a Tom Hanks co-star and what was worse was that I left a country where it was –40c and found myself in Sydney Australia dressed like Nanook of the North where it was a broiling 40c.

Everyone walking by mumbled “Canadian”.

“Yeah, that’s right, I am”.

Where the fuck are you supposed to change on a plane.

Can’t do it in the washroom.

It’s so tight in there I’m to scared to go for a piss just in case we hit some turbulence and slice my pecker off with the toilet paper dispenser.

You ever hit turbulence while 35000 feet in the air and stuck in the planes washroom?

The only time you ever wanted a seat belt and there isn’t one in the can and that’s why I don't use them.

I’m not the only one either.

All you got to do is look around the cabin next time you are flying.

The grimacing faces are the holders, waiting to land.

The smilers and the ones that wear depends and thinking of those with the grimacing faces.

Any how, here I am, 5 hour bus ride followed by a 2 hour car drive.

A 2 hour, then 4 hour flight followed by a 2 hour bus ride to get to my vacation paradise.

We stumble out of the bus to a spectacular view of the Caribbean.

Did I mention they let you drink beer on the bus.

They insist.

We enter the lobby of the hotel and Inia goes to the desk to book us in.

She says she looked back and saw me jump in a van with a huge Jamaican dude and take off.

Yes, it doesn’t matter what part of the world Walker goes to he connects fast.

Inia walked to the desk and I lit up a smoke.

That’s when this huge man walked up to me.

People think I am big, this guy had a foot on me and fifty pounds easy.

“Hey man, want to have the Bob Marley experience man”.

“I don’t know, he’s dead”.

“HA HA you a funny man”.

“No man I take you on a 8 hour bus tour of where Bob Marley hung out”.

“Listen man, I just spent 15 hour tenderizing my fucken ass on some sort of seat so the last thing I want is to spend another 8 hours on one”.

“The only Bob Marley experience I want is some ganja can you do that”?

“Yeah man, I get you anything you want man, give me $60 and I will be right back”.

I look at him and think to myself I can afford to give 60 to a complete stranger and watch him driver off with it

  

“Back in twenty minutes man”.

Yeah, maybe but you got to trust someone at some time and this guy looked like he was well known at the hotel by everyone.

Twenty minutes later this van pulls up and he said to get in and drove off a bit.

In the van he passes me a crumbed up news paper and in the center of it was this HUGE fucken bag of pot.

I freaked.

I mean, I expected 4-5 grams not 2-3 ounces.

“What the fuck am I going to do with this”?

“I am only going to be here for a fucken week, I am not moving here”.

“All I wanted was a small bag”.

“That is the small bag”.

“Are you fucken nuts”.

I totally ignored the fact that he was a giant and in his van.

“Hey man, you throw me $20 for getting it for you”.

“Fuck that, I will give you another $60 to take half of this back”.

“No man, just the 20 for getting it”.

“Look, it’s to fucken big for my pocket”.

I walked out of the van with the bag inside my shirt and met Inia halfway to the elevator.

She asked what I was up to and showed her in the room.

She freaked at the amount like I did.

She asked what I was going to do with it all and I told her the truth, anything I can to get rid of it and you will hear about that over the next few posts.

Have a nice weekend

Walker

Vaca Stories ©

I’m back.
You didn’t know I was gone did you?
This is one of the few benefits of not blogging as much.
You can sneak off and no one would be the wiser.
Not even my mother.

I pick up the cell from anywhere in the world and call home.
“Hey Ma hows it going”.
“It’s going good, you”?
“Back hurts a bit, you coming over for lunch”?
“Nah I already ate”.

I look over to the bartender and order another strawberry daiquiri with double rum as a couple of scantly clad.women pass by behind him.
I shut off the phone as he comes over.

He places the drink in front of me and asks who I am here with.
I tell him with the wife and kids and as I am saying this Inia’s nephew comes over asking if I seen his father.
I tell him where the last time I seen him was and he took off.

The bartender brings me another drink and nods towards the boy and asks if it was my son.
I said no.
No sooner that I said that, Inia’s niece comes up looking for her father but as she was asking me she sees him in the smoking section and took off to where he was.

The bartender looks and asks if she was my daughter.
I say no.
He’s now giving me this strange look.
That’s when Inia’s youngest niece trots up to the bar for a Shirley Temple.
She talks to me while the bartender made her, her drink and took off when she got it.
He looks at me with his finger pointing towards the little girl and I say nope, not mine and ordered another drink.

As he went off to get me my drink Inia’s sister in law came over and asked if I had seen anyone and I pointed her towards the cloud of smoke across the room and she went to get the rest of her family for dinner.
The bartender brought me my drink and placed it in front of me before he asked if she was my wife.
I said no but just then this little black girl comes up and orders a Shirley Temple and as he looked from her to me I nodded my head up and down.
His eyes popped and froze where he stood.

Taking my drink in hand I went to our room to tell Inia that on the second day of our vacation I had managed to acquire one more wife and three kids more than when I started off with.
“Pot’s that good eh” she says?

Have a nice day

Walker

Surfing The Rim ©

Hey…what’s happening?
Where have I been and what have I been doing.
Well let’s see.
I turned a year older last week and by the time I finish this long ass post my blog will also be a year older.
7 years.
Wow
Who would have thought I could talk this much?
Shut up, I heard that.

Well, it’s been a while since I last posted.
Now what have been up too?
Hmmm, let’s see.
Actually it’s been pretty shitty when I think about it.

It started about two months ago when I got food poisoning from something D2 brought home from where she worked.
I can write a horror cookbook on that place but that’s for another day.

I woke up in the morning all cramped up and excruciating pain.
It’s a good thing I buy the industrial size bottle of pepto and it saved my ass again.
Yes, again.
This was the 3rd time I got poisoned buy what D2 brought home.
Worse thing is she gave my parents a cake like the one she gave me so I staggered over to their place just as they were cutting it to have some with their coffee.
Without saying a word, (not that I could because every time I opened my mouth I puked) I just grabbed it and tossed it in the garbage then went home.

For two days I was heaving before I felt any better.
That lasted for about four days when I woke up in the middle of the night clenching my gut again.
I go to roll out of bed and as I swung my feet to the floor my mouth erupted in front of me.
WTF is wrong with me I thought as I clawed for the garbage can next to the bed.

Not only was I nauseous but also I seriously needed to go to the washroom.
That’s it I thought, I’ve been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten like a dog and what was going to get me in the end is a fucken cupcake.

I hugged a pail as Mount Vesuvius erupted
This was the last thing I needed right now as I was expecting Inia to arrive.
Flushing the toilet I didn’t take a step yet before I quickly sat back down……..

Falling down the stairs I made my way to the cupboard where I grabbed at the pepto once again but it wasn’t there.
WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I look around maybe I had left it out but no.
I got up on my toes to see if it had fallen back into the cupboard but no.
“WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PEPTO”!!!!!!

“Groan”.

I turn around and D2 is on the couch looking kind of green and my pink Pepito right there next to her.
Swallowing hard to fight the urge of puking right there. I stepped into the TV room.
With the taste of rotting eggs still on my tongue “What’s wrong with you”?

She didn’t say anything.
She just puked next to the garbage can.
“I’m not cleaning that up”.

“I’m sick” and her face turned green again so I nudged the can over the puddle of puke for her and she chucked her load where the can used to be.
Damn, now that I have to clean that up.
.
“You deserve what you get for eating the shit you sell to unsuspecting people”.
“I didn’t eat anything”.
“Uh huh, the jails and Parliament are full of innocent people”.

Bending down I grab the pepto and it’s empty.
Where did I put my gun?
No, not for her, for me, death would have been better I thought as I made a dash for the downstairs toilet.

Coming upstairs I looked into the cabinet for what I had left.
Taking the bottle of Tums I tossed 4 into the Magic bullet then poured a little water into the Pepito bottle trying to extract any memory that still clung to its inner sides then shook it before pouring the contents into the cup with the Tums.
With the lid secured I whipped it up together and poured it down my throat then lay back in the chair foaming at the mouth for a couple of hours before I felt ant sense of comfort.
.
Three days past before I could once again and just in time because Inia and the boys showed up.
We had a great time as we sat there opening our Xmas gifts.
We had put off Christmas until we were all together.
My brother came over with his daughter and the kids went amok through the house with their nerf guns as Inia and I sat back watching TV while pawing at each other.

In the morning I woke up feeling ill and the rotten egg taste was in my mouth again.
No I thought not again.
I hadn’t eaten anything from D2’s work so we couldn’t have had food poisoning again.
I looked over at the other side of the bed and Inia was gone.
Just then she came in looking like the green goblin.

As she ran off to the washroom again I got out of bed to go get the new bottle of pepto I had just bought.
When I stepped into the hallway D2 stormed out of her room whimpering something about “Not again”.

I no sooner got to the kitchen when the phone rang.
It was my mother.
“I’m dieing,” she cried.
“I have been throwing up and I crapped my pants”.
“I didn’t do it on purpose I was throwing up and it came out the other end too”.
“Your niece did this to me, she had the stomach flu”.

Fuck and she was here last night.

“Do you have any of that pink stuff you gave me once”.
“Yeah, yeah”
Opening the cupboard I grabbed the spare bottle and opened the back door to their place and passed it to her then ran back to deal with my problems.

I found Inia back in bed saying it was a good thing the bathtub is in front of the toilet so she can blow from both ends.
I gave her the bottle of pepto and fell back in bed to let the war in my stomach play itself out.

It’s always the same, my brother or niece who makes one of us sick and before you know it, we all are.

“Ring”.
Now what?

“Hello”?
“Walker, it’s me, your mother”.
“The woman who gave birth to you”.

“What’s up ma”?
“I’m dieing”.

“What do you mean you’re dieing”?
“I’m dieing I tell you”.
“I woke up in the middle of the night my stomach in pain and this horrible stench”.
“ I thought your father had farted and was going to stab him in the eye with my retainer when I noticed I was wet”.
“ I thought he peed the bed and got really mad as I got out of bed and found it was me”.
“OMG I crapped my bed and as soon as I saw it I threw up all over it”.
“That’s when your father woke up”.

“Gezz, what did he say”.
“Nothing, he is used to swimming in his own crap so he didn’t notice mine until I threw up on him too”.

“I guess that caught his attention”.
“Yes it did”.
“I went to the washroom and I didn’t know which end I was going to erupt out of so I just stood naked in the shower and waited”

“When did all this start”?
.”Last night, I was fine and then your brother showed up with his daughter for a couple of hours”.
Bastard, I told you they are like Typhoid Mary.
I told her to go lay down for the day and she did after she changed the sheets.
Later I went over that afternoon and found my father sprinting back and forth from the lazy boy to the washroom like an Olympian on horse steroids.

I was pissed, at my brother, my parents are getting to old to be getting this sick and he shouldn’t be showing up like a plague when he is sick.
As I was fuming he phone rang, it was him wanting me to go over and move his van because he was too sick to do it.
Perfect timing for me to go over and give him a piece of my mind.
Not that it would do any good but I could get rid of some steam.

I stomp on down the street to him place and walk in to find him wrapped up with a comforter on the couch.
My niece, her sister and their mother are upstairs fighting for the toilet.
Fuck, I walked into a stomach flu cesspool.

A finger slithered from under the comforter and pointed to a pile of keys on the wall.
Taking the keys I went outside and moved his work van and came back in to a happy dog.
He was the only one not puking all over the place.

I asked my brother what the fuck he wass doing making everyone fucken sick by going from house to house.
He said he didn’t know he was sick.
Then he tells me this story.

My brother installs cable and phones for a large company here.
He was saying how his boss came by to see how they were doing at a new development they had been hired to install cable in.
It’s much easier to run lines in a house when the walls are still down.
He said his boss drove up and found one of the guys on the front lawn of the house he was working on pouring windshield washer fluid over an upside down toilet.

Yeah I know I had that fucked up look on my face to when he said it.

While they were installing the cable line my brothers helper said he didn’t feel well and went to the washroom and emptied his insides in the brand new toilet.
It wasn’t until he was done that he noticed there was nbo toilet paper.
Well duh, the house is still being built.
He’s lucky there was a toilet.
So he decided to use the work order he had in his pocket to wipe his butt then tossed it into the toilet before he flushed the toilet.

Flushed the toilet………..again……….

It hadn’t been hooked up yet!
In fact there was no water hooked up to the house yet.
The toilet had just been placed there for the plumber to find when he did show up.
He had to pick up the toilet and take it outside to the front then find something to wash it out with because there was no water.
That’s when his boss showed up.
Isn’t that how it always happens HA HA HA!!!!!!!

It WAS two weeks before everything came back to the insanity I know to be normal.
I say that as I look up at my brand new patched up ceiling where the toilet had erupted a few days earlier bringing the ceiling down on top of the kitchen.

It’s been a shitty start to the year.
They say if you get shit on your finger it’s lucky.
I wonder how lucky getting shit on all over is.

Have a nice weekend

Walker

Soggy Bottoms ©

Wow , that was a long pee.
I hope you feel better?
At any rate I’m glad to see you back.
I would have been back sooner and I had a hell of a post more than half finished but the computer’s being the cocksucker they can be and decided to have four of my posts swallowed up and who the hell knows where it crapped them out.
I searched and just can’t find them so now I am sitting here all pissed off and can’t find the same zone I was in to write a batch of new ones for my blogs.

It’s been the whole story with everything I have been doing lately.
I start off this way and somehow meander my way back to the freakin beginning again.
“Hello, am I chasing my tail”?

Like that damn fan.
The guy selling it says he lives in a new development twenty miles out of town on a street named Miller’s Crossing .
Miller’s Crossing?
Wasn’t that the name of some movie about the Irish mob where they took people out in the woods to shoot them in the head?

So I go next door to tell my parents I am off and what general direction.
My mother, always the cautious one says, “You always go off to meet strange people you don’t know and one day someone ‘s going to shoot you”.
“Where are you going anyway”?
“A place called Miller’s Crossing”.

My brother who was there looked over and said “Didn’t they make a movie with that name”?
“Um, no”.
“Yes they did, Irish mafia movie where they took people out in the woods to shoot them in the head”.

“What”?!
“See what I told you, you are not going to go get shot in the head for a fan”.

The instructions said to drive down River road for about twenty miles then turn right on Riverdale avenue.
From there take the first right on Riverview and the next left onto Rivermount.
Go for about three blokes and turn right on River’s Edge drive and the next left will be Riverside which turns into Miller’s Crossing at the end.

Half way there I am thinking I’m going down the river without a paddle and when River road ended at the 401 heading to Toronto I pretty much knew I was actually up a shit creek without a paddle.
Where the fuck was Riverdale?
I looked at every damn sign on the way up.
I turn the car around and head back in the direction I came from and other than farm land and forest there was nothing from the 401 to civilization.
I blew about an hour before I pulled out my cellphone and called this guy and he tells me it’s a new development.
Yeah yeah I got that the first call.
He tells me there is no sign just a stick with a numbered tag on it because the city hasn’t gotten around to putting up street names yet.

Great I thought, now I have to go out there an look for a fucken stick in the mud to find this place.
I turn around and once again I head off into cow country.
I am driving slow so as not to miss the stick and the people behind me, well they were not that happy but I realty didn’t give a shit to be honest with you.
At that point I would have been happy to pull over and beat the crap out of all of them.

About fifteen minutes later I see this four foot post with a numbered tag om the top so I pull over.
It was infront of this dirt road that lead up about four hundred yards before it disappeared into the woods.
What the fuck did I get myself into this time I am thinking.
AS I put the car in drive my cellphone went off so I put it back in park to answer the phonew.

“Hello”?
“You went there didn’t you”?
“What the hell do you want”?
“I told you not to go but you still went”.
“Jesus fucken h christ”.
“Don’t you swear at me you little bastard”.
“What the hell you talking about you just swore at yourself”.
“Come home now”.
“Yeah yeah” fucken parents.

I put the car in drive and take off down the road.
If she is right, a bullet in the head might be better than going home to listen to my mother.
It was a short drive through the woods when a whole new world opened up infront of me.
I felt like Alice falling through a hole and coming out to something totally different.
There had to be thousands of houses out here being built and just as many that were already occupied.

I read the instructions and go off to find not a street name but another stick in the mud with yet another number.
So all I could do is the ‘rights’ and ‘lefts’ without the names for a reference. What could go wrong….

Well, at least I found out one thing.
There is an actual river around here…..

Have a nice day

Walker