Soggy Bottoms ©

Wow , that was a long pee.
I hope you feel better?
At any rate I’m glad to see you back.
I would have been back sooner and I had a hell of a post more than half finished but the computer’s being the cocksucker they can be and decided to have four of my posts swallowed up and who the hell knows where it crapped them out.
I searched and just can’t find them so now I am sitting here all pissed off and can’t find the same zone I was in to write a batch of new ones for my blogs.

It’s been the whole story with everything I have been doing lately.
I start off this way and somehow meander my way back to the freakin beginning again.
“Hello, am I chasing my tail”?

Like that damn fan.
The guy selling it says he lives in a new development twenty miles out of town on a street named Miller’s Crossing .
Miller’s Crossing?
Wasn’t that the name of some movie about the Irish mob where they took people out in the woods to shoot them in the head?

So I go next door to tell my parents I am off and what general direction.
My mother, always the cautious one says, “You always go off to meet strange people you don’t know and one day someone ‘s going to shoot you”.
“Where are you going anyway”?
“A place called Miller’s Crossing”.

My brother who was there looked over and said “Didn’t they make a movie with that name”?
“Um, no”.
“Yes they did, Irish mafia movie where they took people out in the woods to shoot them in the head”.

“What”?!
“See what I told you, you are not going to go get shot in the head for a fan”.

The instructions said to drive down River road for about twenty miles then turn right on Riverdale avenue.
From there take the first right on Riverview and the next left onto Rivermount.
Go for about three blokes and turn right on River’s Edge drive and the next left will be Riverside which turns into Miller’s Crossing at the end.

Half way there I am thinking I’m going down the river without a paddle and when River road ended at the 401 heading to Toronto I pretty much knew I was actually up a shit creek without a paddle.
Where the fuck was Riverdale?
I looked at every damn sign on the way up.
I turn the car around and head back in the direction I came from and other than farm land and forest there was nothing from the 401 to civilization.
I blew about an hour before I pulled out my cellphone and called this guy and he tells me it’s a new development.
Yeah yeah I got that the first call.
He tells me there is no sign just a stick with a numbered tag on it because the city hasn’t gotten around to putting up street names yet.

Great I thought, now I have to go out there an look for a fucken stick in the mud to find this place.
I turn around and once again I head off into cow country.
I am driving slow so as not to miss the stick and the people behind me, well they were not that happy but I realty didn’t give a shit to be honest with you.
At that point I would have been happy to pull over and beat the crap out of all of them.

About fifteen minutes later I see this four foot post with a numbered tag om the top so I pull over.
It was infront of this dirt road that lead up about four hundred yards before it disappeared into the woods.
What the fuck did I get myself into this time I am thinking.
AS I put the car in drive my cellphone went off so I put it back in park to answer the phonew.

“Hello”?
“You went there didn’t you”?
“What the hell do you want”?
“I told you not to go but you still went”.
“Jesus fucken h christ”.
“Don’t you swear at me you little bastard”.
“What the hell you talking about you just swore at yourself”.
“Come home now”.
“Yeah yeah” fucken parents.

I put the car in drive and take off down the road.
If she is right, a bullet in the head might be better than going home to listen to my mother.
It was a short drive through the woods when a whole new world opened up infront of me.
I felt like Alice falling through a hole and coming out to something totally different.
There had to be thousands of houses out here being built and just as many that were already occupied.

I read the instructions and go off to find not a street name but another stick in the mud with yet another number.
So all I could do is the ‘rights’ and ‘lefts’ without the names for a reference. What could go wrong….

Well, at least I found out one thing.
There is an actual river around here…..

Have a nice day

Walker

2012: Almost Like The Movie ©

I’m tired.
Really fucken tired.
Happy New Year.
New my ass, looks like the old one if you ask me.
The last one ended with a bittersweet feel too it.
For instance, on Christmas Eve I said goodbye to Inia and the boys because I had to go back home.
Yes I picked up D1 along the way and I always love seeing my girls but Christmas fucken eve is when I want to be all together but circumstances this year screwed up all our holidays.
Yeah, yeah you still got to spend time together
Yeah I know that and yes yes yes there are people in the world who can’t see their loved ones because they are someplace else doing important work.

Inia’s youngest had a plan.
Cute little fucker. who will one day defeat James Bond 007, probably with a quantum nerf cannon which he will most likely build with a gazillion legos and become the Mighty Zombie Slayer.
Oh come on, James Bond’s a freakin zombie or a fucken time lord like Dr Who.
He never dies.
Gets all the women and every couple of years changes his body and face into someone else.
The only time my face changes is when I shave and it’s still scary.
One likes it shaken in a tall glass and the other likes shaking it in a police booth.

Any way he came up to me one night while we were alone in the TV room.
“I can fit in your container over there you know”.
“All you have to do is make some holes so I could breath”.
“I will need some juice boxes and chips because I would get hungry”.
“OH YEAH, apples to”.
“ Maybe a pull-up, better make it two it might get bumpy”.
He’s six.

I was there for ten days so I shouldn’t complain but it doesn’t feel right.
Christmas doesn’t feel like it’s complete yet.
Yes I know the original Christmas, according to the Orthodox Christians is January 7th but I’m not seeing them then either.
I can’t take the tree down with presents still under it now can I.
OK the eggnog I drank but I was afraid it would go bad.
It is after all the 5th and I made it on the 15th.

I arrived home on the midnight bus loaded down with 120 pounds of things I picked up.
No, I left the kid but the offer was tempting.
D1 had her own load to haul, not as far as I had come but she went to the bus station right after doing a shift at work and she was tired as we both stood there at the bus station me after ten hours on the road.
I hate fucken buses.
It was midnight on the button
Christmas day
.
We grabbed a cab home and came home to 11 happy critters and D2, so that’s actually 12 happy critters.

Oh and the stove hood fan that broke.
Actually that’s what this post is all about.
The other stuff was eggnog flashbacks.

My hood fan broke and I needed to get a new one.
Coincidentally a week before I took my father to buy one and it cost $400.
There was no way in hell I was forking that out after the money I spent on the holidays on my trip and the 50 inch TV Santa forgot to bring me.
$400 for a fan and it doesn’t come with a remote or build in blue ray player?

I decided I would pick one up online and I did.
Today I called someone who had a brand new fan for $60 and it was like my father’s but black, a different model and made by a different manufacturer but it was new.
It just didn’t come in a box and later I found that it was missing a major part.
But it was new.
Had a littler, lot of dust on it.
It was kind of huge too.
About the size of a B52 bomber wing.
But it was new.

Did I tell you where I had to go for the fan.
No?
Oh let me tell you.
Go for a pee, it might take a while.

Have a nice pee day

Walker

Happy New Year ©

Well, it looks like another year has poured away into the annals of time.
Was it a special year?
Not particularly.
They are all starting to look the same one after other.
There is always war.
Always money problems.
Prices go up as does the cost of government.
We are still blamers instead of solvers in fact even more so now.

Of course the Americans are to blame for everything still and terrorists are the voice of Muslims just as Oral Roberts spoke to god and had his credit extended.
NUTS

Bin Laden finally got laid by an American and the Teflon dictator Gaddafi has finally shut the fuck, up.

North Korea lost their “Dear Leader” .
We saw the throngs of people lining the street waling when they heard their yearly income of $4.99 was being cut in half for the next fifty years to pay for the “Dear Leader's” funeral.

Steve Jobs passed away this year.
Brilliant man.
Real cock sucker I hear.

There was a nuclear meltdown in Japan causing sushi prices to soar higher than the big mac.
Coke offered to replace all the heavy water with Sprite.

The Middle East found freedom through revolution and Egypt found a pyramid of shit when the smoke cleared.

We hit 7 billion people none of which I can get blamed for.

Elizabeth Taylor left us as elegantly as she lived

Floods, famine and Charlie Sheen ravaged the world just as the survivors of disaster gave us hope.

The last shuttle took off
Did it come back?

The war in Iraq is over.
For now

The war in Afghanistan, well, it’s not really a war.
More like a pain in the ass.
That’s still going on
For now

Greece is still begging for free money
Spain has finally gone to the bulls or are they just full of bull?

Jesus, Allah, Buddha and God were playing 5 card stud.
Jesus looked at his hand and went all in.
Allah scratched his head for a bit then shoved his stack of chips into the fray.
Buddha picked little grains of rice out of his bowl shuttling each one to his mouth as he pondered the possibilities before he to called himself in.

God without any thought opened up his cards showing a pair of deuces then reached over and pulled all the chips to his side of the table.
The three wise men rose in protest.
Jesus showed a straight beating God’s deuces.
Allah laughed at both of them as he exposed a full house.
All Buddha had was two pair.
Tens, and tens but he was sure he beat someone.

God just looked at them and said, ”How many times have I told you, God helps those who helps themselves, so piss off, I’m God”.
You get to keep what you give yourself out of life.

And finally, Andy Rooney had his last say this year.
I will miss his commentaries as he spoke with a voice we understood

Tonight I won’t be where I want to be this New Years Eve but I will have a couple of friends here helping me kill a bottle of expensive scotch.
I hope 2011 was kind to all of you out there and that 2012 brings your dreams and wishes to life.

Happy New Year

CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walker

Merry Christmas ©

Merry Chrismas to all of my blog friends throughtout the universe

Walker

Walker's Home Shopping Channel ©

Ti’s the season to be jolly fa la la la laaaaaaaaa la la laaa laaa “choke” “cough couch cough”
I really got to find a way to quit smoking.

Sooooo I am down in the frozen American tundra, New York and I am sitting here doing my thing at Inia’s place when the phone rings.
Everyone is out doing things and I am home along with the critters and the TV to keep me company until everyone gets back home

I answer the phone and it’s some dickhead selling cruises.
What the fuck, I am thinking these bastards must have a gps tracking device somewhere on me to be able to find me even when I am in another country.

“Good day sir, I have an offer today you can’t refuse”
“Wanna bet”.
“We have discounts on cruises to Caribbean for you and your family”
“It’s ok man I don’t live here”.
“Ah, well can I speak to someone ho lives there”.
“No one is here at the moment”?
“I see, well can you tell them I will call back later”?
“I don’t think I can, I’m only here doing some last minute Christmas shopping and got do get out before they get back home but I can leave a note on the T.V………. hmmm that’s a nice LED television, I’ll leave it on the fridge”.
“Merry Christmas, bye”.

4 hours later

“Ah Inia, if the police show up ummm I am not here”.

Have a nice day

Peter

Friggin Fridge ©

“Sigh”
Why does everything happen when the last thing you want is more fucken bullshit smacking you in the face?
I mean pull out a set of 44 DDs and whip my face black and blue but don’t kill my fridge just before Christmas.

Ghah

But wait

What’s that?

The sister in law has a relatively new side-by-side fridge with an ice and water dispenser she bought two years ago that doesn’t fit in her house with its custom kitchen.
How much?
$300 ……….SOLD!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok loosing 300 this time of year isn’t good but the fridge is a good deal and I do need one now.
So I run down and measure the fridge to see iof it will fit in my kitchen and as luck would have it no, it didn’t.
Half an inch to tall but that was ok; I was going to tear down the cupboards.
All I needed to do is make them an inch higher for the fridge to slide under.
SOLD, mine.

Hmmmm, this is weird.

“HEY”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“How the fuck did you get the fridge into the basement”?
“Really, through that door over there”?
“I see……….what the hell have you been feeding the fridge because its bigger than the hallway and the door now”?

“Listen, I measured the fucken thing three times and with the damn doors off to and it’s still to wide for the hallway”?
“Listen SIL, I believe you that they brought it through there”.
“What I am saying is that it fucken grew in the last six months because its to big to go down that hallway now”.
“How the hell do I know how that is possible”.
“It either fucken grew or the house is shrinking around it because it’s not going down that hallway”.
“What do you mean my brother gutted the basement and rebuild it”?

You know…………. FUCK!!!!!!!!
“Who the fuck build walls without fucken measuring and creating a plan?
Oh yeah, my brother.
“I wanted to make the garage bigger”?
“DUHHHHH do you think it was that size for a reason like maybe so that you can get shit in and out of the basement”?
Guess what, that fridge just became pat of he house.

Oh well, I guess Santa will just have to stuff a new one down the chimney.
Hmmm, I better hurry and build a chimney before Christmas.

Have a nice weekend

Peter

Bo Bo Boo Boob ©

“Walker I am telling you, women are sluts today”.
“Uh huh”.

Pulls up shirt to her chin.
“What do you think of the new bra the last guy I dumped bought me”.
“He paid fifty bucks for it”.

I never have to go to a strip club

“I see, literally, I see”.
“It’s a nice one for sure, does it have rebar built into it”?

The Ex stopped in to see D2 but didn’t know on Fridays D2 goes to work after school so she decided to visit me instead for three hours.
My Ex, for lack of a better word is a bit of an airhead.
Not stupid, just not to swift in the thinking department.
Her morals are dyslexic at the best of times, totally fucked most of the time.
.
D2 came running down the other day.
“OMG, mom dumped what’s his name and said she met this great guy who is dieing of colon cancer so if I want to see her she will be at this address...”.

“I was going on a date tonight but he called and said he had to put it off until tomorrow because something came up”.
“Is this the colon cancer guy”.
“No, I ended that yesterday”.
“Killed him already eh”?

“No, he lied to me”?
“Oh, big surprise, you meet these guys on dating sites, they are not all going to tell you the truth”.
“So what, he didn’t have colon cancer”?
“No, it wasn’t that, he still had a girlfriend”.
“Ah I see, but he is still dieing”?
“Oh yeah, he’s a goner”.

“You know, ummm , it’s not really any of my business but you complain about women being sluts and all but ummmm you have been with four different guys in the last, I don’t know, say about ten months”.
“Not that I see anything wrong with it but I am just pointing something out to you”.

“OH I don’t sleep with them”.
“ I see”.
“You just lay there naked and do nothing”?
“Yup, like the last guy”
“He worked in the fields all day and stunk”.
“I told him no sex unless he got clean”.
“So why didn’t he take a shower and fuck you”.
“He didn’t have one in the country”.
“I see, and how long were you up there with umm stinky before he got to a shower".
"3 months".
" I see".
"So I guess you dumped him as soon as he found a shower"
"Yup".
" I figured".

3 months in the heat of summer living in a trailer with no shower, stink is not the word.

“He was, nice to me, he bought me this nice bra”, then reached for her shirt again”.
“Yeah, yeah I saw it already, blue one, got it”.
“I love it”.
“In the summer on the farm I would ride the lawnmower with just my bra on and shorts”.
“No underwear, I shave my pussy now except for a little I leave on the top like a crown”.

I wanted to burst out laughing but then something popped into my head…….

“DON’T SHOW IT TO ME”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“It’s better than that afro I had between my legs”.
“You mean Michael Jackson’s head”.
“Yeah”.

Explains why I used to get a hardon every time I saw a Michael Jackson video.
He looked a lot like a pussy.


I looked at the clock on the wall and she had been there for three hours and decided she had to go and told her I had eight cakes to bake which was true.
I am making cherry bombs for Christmas but that’s another story.
She got up and asked me to tell D2 she was by and loved her as I closed the door behind her then went back to the couch where I had a nice laugh.
I asked myself why I went out with her but then again she isn’t the same person I knew from back them.

At around 8:30 pm D2 came home from work and I told her mother had been by.

“Yeah, she showed me her new bra”.
“Blue one”?
“Yup that’s the one”.
“OMG, Mom, D1 and I were at the mall and right there in the middle of a crowd she lifts up her shirt over her head to show us her new bra”.
“She wasn’t even embarrassed”.
“D1 and I took off in different directions”.
" I see, did she show you her crown".
"No, what's that"?
"I'll tell you about it later".

Yup, that’s my Ex.

Have I mentioned I don’t go out to avoid this kind of shit?
Yeah, how’s that working out for you Walker?

Have a nice day

Walker