blue moon (2)

Friday, February 24, 2006

My Time With Lisa ©

This is the hardest post I have ever written.
Many of you have asked me to tell what happened while I was with Lisa but I have held out because of my guest here and I was still rather pissed off.
I still am pissed to some point and not because my relationship ended but because it never had a chance to start with and the way I was treated and made to feel.
I have spent the last month analyzing everything that happened and at one stage was defending her side trying to understand it more and why this all happened.
I spent 30 hours on the plane wondering what I did wrong and blaming myself for how this ended up but the farther I got from NZ and closer to home, I started realizing that I done nothing wrong.

Well it’s been almost a 3 weeks now and this is the first chance I have had to sit down alone and to think of my time with Lisa while I was in New Zealand.
For someone who said she loved me, I saw nothing of it from my arrival to my departure.
She didn’t yell at me or anything like that.
She just didn’t make me feel welcome.
I got along with everyone but her.
For some reason, she just didn’t want to be close to me.
The complete opposite from how she was a day before.
At the airport the day of my arrival the face that greeted me didn’t have the love in it that it had when she left Canada.
I don’t know why.
No hug, no kiss, it was like she had lost all her feelings for me.
A lot could happen in a day, I guess.
Was it cold feet?
I don’t know.
I brushed it off.
I knew why I came for and so do all of you.

It took a lot to get to this stage and she said she wanted me there.
I even asked her the day before I paid for my ticket, “are you sure”
She said “I want you here with me”, so I went ahead and did it.
I worked hard to get the money and almost got killed twice doing work no one would do.
I sold things that I had collected from my childhood that were not as important to me, than going to New Zealand to put together the airfare.
Friends lent me money to complete a dream.

The problems didn’t start on my arrival.
They started months before and as far back as June and maybe even farther back.
This wasn’t our first break up but it is our last.
Everything was going fine until the guy in England “Neil” who in my earlier posts I referred to as “asshole” started text messaging her and begging to get back together again.
He is the guy who caused all the uproar last year after she got home from Canada and then left me for him.
I’ll not bring last year up because it’s been done enough.
She reassured me that it was not possible and she would not take him back.
It was an all night text message battle that I heard about the next day.
Fine that was over and done with.
But the tension is there.

Then she starts talking to Emily, Neil’s future daughter in law on ICQ who is basically living there over the weekends at his place.
I was called various names.
That’s fine, I have been called many things before, but what is the most surprising part was Lisa didn’t even defend me.
Instead she tried to appease her and let it go.
Sure she ranted about it to me but what message does that send Emily and the message it sends me.
If anyone insulted someone I loved or even a friend of mine I would be all over them and giving them a piece of my mind, but I guess, I wasn’t important enough.
But then again I was being insulted by a woman who wants to sleep with her future father in law while his son was asleep in the next room so why should I be bothered by what she said about me.
Now Emily was lobbying for the other guy every Tuesday on ICQ while I waited to assess the damage that I had to put up with after their conversations and yes this went on while I was in New Zealand as well.
After every conversation she was cold with me.
Then we find out he is planning to show up in New Zealand while I am there.
Great and she wants to have dinner with him if he shows up.
So what can I do?
Nothing really so I promised I wouldn’t beat the crap out of him if he did show up.
Besides I wouldn’t dirty my hands.
She even told me that if he was coming for her, he would be a fool, today I wonder who the fool was.
I stored this little bit of information in the back of my head and left it there with the rest.

Here on her blog she referred to me as her Boyfriend.
In New Zealand I was introduced as Peter from Canada, he’s just a friend visiting.
At her home, she never came close to me or sat next to me unless she had no choice. There was never a moment when she came to be intimate or cuddle up.
The whole time I was there she was a stiff board and unyielding to any advances I made.
She would sleep most of the time when not working. Something she didn’t do before.
I tried my best to make myself useful while she was at work by cleaning and making dinner.
I did some gardening.
I even repaired a number of things around the house like the stairs outside, a chair that she liked and made the railing upstairs a little more secure so no one would accidentally fall over.
I did all this to pass the time and to help her out. Hopefully free some time up for us but nada.
I bought groceries and the materials needed to repair the steps so that she wouldn’t be put out by my being there and I didn’t want her or the kids getting hurt because of the step. It was the least I could do. She did do my laundry and drive me around in her car.
But it was like walking on eggshells most of time I was there.
In public she kept far from me and never came close, fearing she may touch me and someone would see.
Her close friends knew about me as did her family but to everyone else that knows her, I was just a visitor who will be gone soon, and at times I felt that it would not be soon enough for her.

While she was in Canada she was a different person from the one I met again in New Zealand. She would be close and reach in my pocket for my hand but in NZ she was stand offish.
Maybe it offended her to be seen with me in public, I don’t know.
At times I felt like a leper.
She didn’t make me feel welcome in her home.
I could do what I want but she gave the air a feeling that made it uncomfortable.
You know what I mean.
I don’t know if it’s because she has been alone for so long that she was this way but I have been alone here also and treated her with respect.
Everyone else I met treated me well and I enjoyed myself but I wasn’t there for them,
Her mood towards me also set my mood and it was difficult to get comfortable.
You just can’t be comfortable with someone who doesn’t want to be comfortable with you.
It affected our sexual relationship.
Yes we still had sex even though she told me almost at the beginning they it wouldn’t work out with us.
It’s hard to have passionate sex with someone who basically tells you that they don’t love you.
I could feel she wanted me to touch her but she kept pulling away for some reason when she was feeling comfortable.
I knew she liked me touching her when we were alone in the bedroom but outside the bedroom ….. I was a stranger.
Maybe I was just a “Shag”.

When we were out with people she constantly pointed out things that she wanted me to stop doing.
I tend to talk with my hands and she felt that it was aggressive.
Well here in Canada we talk with our hands.
I guess it’s because of the different nationalities and we tend to show and express what we say with our hands.
I do have a problem at times where I talk before someone else finishes talking so that is a problem and tried to remedy it but then I found that everything I would say was misinterpreted in another way and I was in the dog house again.
So I became reserved when I wanted to speak and kept my thoughts to myself after awhile.
I was so concerned that I would say something that would be misinterpreted and what kind of trouble my hands would get me into just by twitching, I learned to be quiet.
Some of the best conversations I had with people were when Lisa was not there.
The fishing trips I went on were great because I could be myself and talked with Chris as a normal person instead of being on guard all the time.
I didn’t even care about the fishing.
I got to be myself.
The person she was attracted to begin with.
Not the person she stifled.
I have never EVER humbled myself for anyone until I went to NZ.

It wasn’t long before I started having a problem I thought I had under control.
I suffer from anxiety attacks and I don’t take medication for it. The meds cause short term memory loss so a year ago I stopped taking them and started relaxing to stop them and it was working just fine.
But with all the stress of controlling my emotions and holding them in and all the frustration building up within me, they started coming back and mostly while I slept or tried to sleep.
I would find myself gasping for air at times and one night it got so bad I threw up and held it in my mouth until I could get to the bathroom and some fresh air.
I told Lisa I inhaled something.
What was I supposed to say?
You got me so stressed out I’m choking for air.
This was 4 days before I was to leave and come home.

To make matters worse, a week after I got there she got an infection just like the time when she was with me.
Being that I have sensitive skin I got a rash from this and I hope I need not tell you where.
Upon going to her doctor and being informed of this she was also told I may be a carrier.
Then there was some other stuff that was mentioned that maybe a problem and now upon the other shit I had in my head I had to worry about sexually transmitted diseases.
I had not been with a woman since I was with Lisa and she said just as much and I do believe her but the fact that I was 12,000 miles from home and my doctor didn’t make me feel good, especially when I was told I may be a carrier of something.
4 fucken weeks I had left to get home and to a doctor and blood tests.
I went to the local pharmacy and went through a shelf of meds looking to find medication that had the same ingredients that I used to clear up my problem the last time.
Basically athletes foot medication.
I have since gone to the doctor for a check up and blood tests and I am fine except for my left ear.
It seems that I damaged the middle ear on the right side during the flight there and it can’t be repaired.
A souvenir I guess of my lovely time in NZ.

In the end Neil didn’t show up but he says he will be there soon (she has been waiting for him for 7 years and he is still coming) and my time was wasted.
I have said and always will say that New Zealand is a beautiful place and you all should go see it.

So to summarize everything, I went to New Zealand to be with someone I loved and said she loved me and got told she didn’t.
I guess she loved me when no one who knows her personally knows about it.
Even when I left New Zealand she made sure she would not be there alone with me and brought a friend along to keep her company.
I felt alone at the airport that last day even with those two there.
Maybe I should have just taken a taxi and left on my own just as I had when I left my house that night to go see her.

You know, here is something she, didn’t even know.
I had been in contact with home and my friends through MSN and had told them about my dilemma.
My friends had offered me an extra $1000 so that I could leave and come home early.
I refused it and stayed the last 4 weeks because I thought she was worth fighting for.
Now you know how stupid I really am.

For those of you who believe this post is about me having sour grapes, then to bad because it’s not.
This post is about my feelings (something many people may believe I don’t have) and what I went through and trust me there is more I could have put here but I have opted to leave this post as is.
I’ll understand if none of you want to comment on this, seeing as you are friends with the both of us.

These are all my personal feelings and I am responsible for myself and what I say.
I took the chance and I paid for it.
At least I had the guts to try.
In the end she has the right, as do we all, to be with whom we want to be with but she should have told me her true feeling towards me before I started on this trip and invested a chunk of my soul.
The money I spent is of no consequence, I don’t put a price on love.

Have a nice day


No comments: