Sunday, January 20, 2013
It’s funny how time changes people.
The other day I am at the mall with a friend going to the electronics store to buy something we don’t need but will fill in some of the boredom.
Now for me, if it wasn’t for my aching bones I wouldn’t think I was older than 25.
I don’t have a recent image of me in my brain, probably because I don’t spend as much time in front of the mirror as I did when I was twenty five so that’s who I see when I think of myself.
It might sound weird to some of you but hey, I never said I wasn’t.
I walk down the halls and have to keep telling myself that I am 53, but damn it’s hard when a chick walks by with big tits and clothes so tight she probably wore them when she was in grade six.
And buddy he’s no better he’s like “ I’d like to run that down and tear her apart”.
I think for a second then look at him. “Tear what apart, the other day you lost a fight with your zipper and shit your pants in Best Buy”.
“She shows you her tits and you’ll be coming from both ends just before you die of a heart attack or an aneurysm if not both at the same time”.
He looks at me then says he has to go to the washroom to fart.
How the fuck did we get from hot chicks to farting in the same breath and I am in shock.
He wants to go to the washroom to fart.
How freakin polite is that?
Who are you?
“Since when did you start caring about other people that you are going to go to the washroom to sneeze your ass”?
“Just go over in the corner and crack the marble floor or even better go into that bra store and see how many you can choke out of there topless”.
“No it’s not that he”.
“Getting older has done weird shit to me”.
“When I need to go for a dump all I do is fart but when I need to fart I end up crapping my pants so now when I need to fart I go for a crap instead”.
‘Wow, how old are you, two years older than me eh”.
Wow do I have lots to look forward too.
Eventually we ended up in the food court.
The place was warming with people.
Young, old, middle aged but mostly people in their twenties.
We sat there chopping down on our quarter pound of scorched flesh, washing it down with a glass of gold suds while everyone else around us ate salads yogurts stir fried vegetables.
I told buddy maybe we should be eating more vegetables and he said they would only make him fart more.
After eating we got into a heated discussion over a couple at one of the tables.
I said they were lesbians.
He insisted that one of them was a guy with girlish looks.
I told him no he was a she.
This went on for about ten minutes and got to the point where I was about to punch him in the head.
I had to settle this so I got up and went to their table and politely lied that my watch had stopped and was wondering if they had the time.
This way I could get a better look and hear their voices.
Thirty seconds later I walked back to the table and sat down.
“Well” buddy asked?
.”The guy you think is a guy with girlish looks, Is a girl so you are wrong and I am right”.
“How do I know you are not lying”.
“I’m not done”.
“The other one is not a girl like we both thought, it’s a guy”.
Yup, times have changed.
Going to mall isn’t what it used to be.
Maybe I should spend more time looking into the mirror……or going to the mall more HA HA HA