blue moon (2)

Friday, June 30, 2006

Sex Talk: Getting Laid ©

Go ahead and read it, trust me.

The other day while sitting here talking with two of my favourite people, the subject of sex came up, rather the lack of it.
Well more to the fact that I am not getting any.
My sex life has become other people business it seems. Hmmm
Being that my two companions are women, I get to say nothing.
One on one I would have maybe gotten one word in but against two…. The odds were over whelming, so I shut up.
I know I know, some of you that talk to me are say “yeah right you shut up”
It was decided that we all needed someone to have fun with.
We being, they decided I was eating chocolate and reading the screen.
They were sitting there compiling profiles, consisting of wants, needs and desires.

Ok Walker, what color are you eyes?
Umm, green in the summer, brown in the winter and bloodshot on Friday nights.

What color is your hair?
Was black but greying by the minute as I am sitting here with my sex life in your hands

How tall are you?
Laying down or standing up?

I won’t repeat the reply I got which would have gone in this spot.
They collected my particulars and then part two.

What I want in a woman.
Well she has to have big……what?
What do you mean you don’t need to know.

It seems they didn’t need that information from me.
They knew exactly what I wanted………
I was going to say eyes BTW.
Really I was.

Oh I didn’t tell you, it seems that I have no idea what I am doing so now the Bond Girls decide who I can go out with?
You would think Q would have leaked some info my way but NOOOO.
So send your emails and pictures to one of them and they will get back to you because I don’t have a say.
The pictures I get will probably be one big black strip after they get done with them.
Yup, I’m never going to get laid again.

After they have decided what the requirements should be, one of them wants to put out an ad.
Huh, what?
I choke on the chocolate cake I am eating and coughing it at the screen.
They talk right through the washing of the laptop screen which is not working but has turned into a muddy film you can barely see through.
While I am washing they came to the conclusion that they were going about this all wrong.
They figure they should just keep me between the two of them and problem is solved.
Damn chocolate is obscuring the words.
What was that?
Where is the windex?
Ok I see now.
Scroll back and read it again.
Yup that’s what it said.
Now I want you people to remember this.
But I am getting high on reading what’s on the screen and having one hell of a sugar rush.

So now they have fixed my GF problem by volunteering for the vacancy themselves.
Now all they have to do is break down the days of the week they will each get custody of Walker but there is a problem because there are seven days and it doesn’t divide equally.
The feeble ménage a trios that I volunteered was quickly tossed out, told to shut up and mind my own business which was ok because I had opened the box of truffles I was going to mail out on Friday.
Ok ok I will get another one.
While they were negotiating I said they could do it like that Greek movie “Never On Sunday”.
Which only brought up the idea the Greeks don’t do it on Sunday which is NOT true, we do it twice.
I even suggested that we can always have mud wrestling on Sunday but they told me where I can put the mud from that idea.
I don’t know, I am feeling left out here, I should have said melted chocolate instead of mud.
But while they were negotiating all of this, they quickly realize I’d end up with two women and they share one man, so that won’t do according to them.
I don’t know it looked good to me but what do I know all my ideas get thrown out.
They decide they should have a man on the side each too making it equal.
I get two women and they each get two men…………….
Now I am pretty good at math and not so bad in the logic department but somewhere I feel like I am getting ripped off here.
When you look at it, it looks like I am looking good BUT if you look at the fine print instead of the fine hairs you see different.
Now if they are both off with the other guys I am stuck right where I am now.
ALONE playing with my thoughts.
So I figure that since there are 3 guys there should be three girls.
It kind of balances things out better don’t you think?
That’s equal right, so that I am not left alone. (I’m trying to think fast here)
Now all we need is a candidate.
I haven’t heard from FB in awhile.
I wonder what she, is up to?
All of this looks great but I’m still not getting laid.

Have a great weekend and to all my Canadian brothers and sister,



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