blue moon (2)

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Surfing The Rim ©

Hey…what’s happening?
Where have I been and what have I been doing.
Well let’s see.
I turned a year older last week and by the time I finish this long ass post my blog will also be a year older.
7 years.
Who would have thought I could talk this much?
Shut up, I heard that.

Well, it’s been a while since I last posted.
Now what have been up too?
Hmmm, let’s see.
Actually it’s been pretty shitty when I think about it.

It started about two months ago when I got food poisoning from something D2 brought home from where she worked.
I can write a horror cookbook on that place but that’s for another day.

I woke up in the morning all cramped up and excruciating pain.
It’s a good thing I buy the industrial size bottle of pepto and it saved my ass again.
Yes, again.
This was the 3rd time I got poisoned buy what D2 brought home.
Worse thing is she gave my parents a cake like the one she gave me so I staggered over to their place just as they were cutting it to have some with their coffee.
Without saying a word, (not that I could because every time I opened my mouth I puked) I just grabbed it and tossed it in the garbage then went home.

For two days I was heaving before I felt any better.
That lasted for about four days when I woke up in the middle of the night clenching my gut again.
I go to roll out of bed and as I swung my feet to the floor my mouth erupted in front of me.
WTF is wrong with me I thought as I clawed for the garbage can next to the bed.

Not only was I nauseous but also I seriously needed to go to the washroom.
That’s it I thought, I’ve been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten like a dog and what was going to get me in the end is a fucken cupcake.

I hugged a pail as Mount Vesuvius erupted
This was the last thing I needed right now as I was expecting Inia to arrive.
Flushing the toilet I didn’t take a step yet before I quickly sat back down……..

Falling down the stairs I made my way to the cupboard where I grabbed at the pepto once again but it wasn’t there.
WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I look around maybe I had left it out but no.
I got up on my toes to see if it had fallen back into the cupboard but no.


I turn around and D2 is on the couch looking kind of green and my pink Pepito right there next to her.
Swallowing hard to fight the urge of puking right there. I stepped into the TV room.
With the taste of rotting eggs still on my tongue “What’s wrong with you”?

She didn’t say anything.
She just puked next to the garbage can.
“I’m not cleaning that up”.

“I’m sick” and her face turned green again so I nudged the can over the puddle of puke for her and she chucked her load where the can used to be.
Damn, now that I have to clean that up.
“You deserve what you get for eating the shit you sell to unsuspecting people”.
“I didn’t eat anything”.
“Uh huh, the jails and Parliament are full of innocent people”.

Bending down I grab the pepto and it’s empty.
Where did I put my gun?
No, not for her, for me, death would have been better I thought as I made a dash for the downstairs toilet.

Coming upstairs I looked into the cabinet for what I had left.
Taking the bottle of Tums I tossed 4 into the Magic bullet then poured a little water into the Pepito bottle trying to extract any memory that still clung to its inner sides then shook it before pouring the contents into the cup with the Tums.
With the lid secured I whipped it up together and poured it down my throat then lay back in the chair foaming at the mouth for a couple of hours before I felt ant sense of comfort.
Three days past before I could once again and just in time because Inia and the boys showed up.
We had a great time as we sat there opening our Xmas gifts.
We had put off Christmas until we were all together.
My brother came over with his daughter and the kids went amok through the house with their nerf guns as Inia and I sat back watching TV while pawing at each other.

In the morning I woke up feeling ill and the rotten egg taste was in my mouth again.
No I thought not again.
I hadn’t eaten anything from D2’s work so we couldn’t have had food poisoning again.
I looked over at the other side of the bed and Inia was gone.
Just then she came in looking like the green goblin.

As she ran off to the washroom again I got out of bed to go get the new bottle of pepto I had just bought.
When I stepped into the hallway D2 stormed out of her room whimpering something about “Not again”.

I no sooner got to the kitchen when the phone rang.
It was my mother.
“I’m dieing,” she cried.
“I have been throwing up and I crapped my pants”.
“I didn’t do it on purpose I was throwing up and it came out the other end too”.
“Your niece did this to me, she had the stomach flu”.

Fuck and she was here last night.

“Do you have any of that pink stuff you gave me once”.
“Yeah, yeah”
Opening the cupboard I grabbed the spare bottle and opened the back door to their place and passed it to her then ran back to deal with my problems.

I found Inia back in bed saying it was a good thing the bathtub is in front of the toilet so she can blow from both ends.
I gave her the bottle of pepto and fell back in bed to let the war in my stomach play itself out.

It’s always the same, my brother or niece who makes one of us sick and before you know it, we all are.

Now what?

“Walker, it’s me, your mother”.
“The woman who gave birth to you”.

“What’s up ma”?
“I’m dieing”.

“What do you mean you’re dieing”?
“I’m dieing I tell you”.
“I woke up in the middle of the night my stomach in pain and this horrible stench”.
“ I thought your father had farted and was going to stab him in the eye with my retainer when I noticed I was wet”.
“ I thought he peed the bed and got really mad as I got out of bed and found it was me”.
OMG I crapped my bed and as soon as I saw it I threw up all over it”.
“That’s when your father woke up”.

Gezz, what did he say”.
“Nothing, he is used to swimming in his own crap so he didn’t notice mine until I threw up on him too”.

“I guess that caught his attention”.
“Yes it did”.
“I went to the washroom and I didn’t know which end I was going to erupt out of so I just stood naked in the shower and waited”

“When did all this start”?
.”Last night, I was fine and then your brother showed up with his daughter for a couple of hours”.
Bastard, I told you they are like Typhoid Mary.
I told her to go lay down for the day and she did after she changed the sheets.
Later I went over that afternoon and found my father sprinting back and forth from the lazy boy to the washroom like an Olympian on horse steroids.

I was pissed, at my brother, my parents are getting to old to be getting this sick and he shouldn’t be showing up like a plague when he is sick.
As I was fuming he phone rang, it was him wanting me to go over and move his van because he was too sick to do it.
Perfect timing for me to go over and give him a piece of my mind.
Not that it would do any good but I could get rid of some steam.

I stomp on down the street to him place and walk in to find him wrapped up with a comforter on the couch.
My niece, her sister and their mother are upstairs fighting for the toilet.
Fuck, I walked into a stomach flu cesspool.

A finger slithered from under the comforter and pointed to a pile of keys on the wall.
Taking the keys I went outside and moved his work van and came back in to a happy dog.
He was the only one not puking all over the place.

I asked my brother what the fuck he wass doing making everyone fucken sick by going from house to house.
He said he didn’t know he was sick.
Then he tells me this story.

My brother installs cable and phones for a large company here.
He was saying how his boss came by to see how they were doing at a new development they had been hired to install cable in.
It’s much easier to run lines in a house when the walls are still down.
He said his boss drove up and found one of the guys on the front lawn of the house he was working on pouring windshield washer fluid over an upside down toilet.

Yeah I know I had that fucked up look on my face to when he said it.

While they were installing the cable line my brothers helper said he didn’t feel well and went to the washroom and emptied his insides in the brand new toilet.
It wasn’t until he was done that he noticed there was nbo toilet paper.
Well duh, the house is still being built.
He’s lucky there was a toilet.
So he decided to use the work order he had in his pocket to wipe his butt then tossed it into the toilet before he flushed the toilet.

Flushed the toilet………..again……….

It hadn’t been hooked up yet!
In fact there was no water hooked up to the house yet.
The toilet had just been placed there for the plumber to find when he did show up.
He had to pick up the toilet and take it outside to the front then find something to wash it out with because there was no water.
That’s when his boss showed up.
Isn’t that how it always happens HA HA HA!!!!!!!

It WAS two weeks before everything came back to the insanity I know to be normal.
I say that as I look up at my brand new patched up ceiling where the toilet had erupted a few days earlier bringing the ceiling down on top of the kitchen.

It’s been a shitty start to the year.
They say if you get shit on your finger it’s lucky.
I wonder how lucky getting shit on all over is.

Have a nice weekend



poet said...

So sorry you have all been sick so much. I hope you'll all be on the mend, and no more bad food or stomach flu. take care~

Walker said...

poet: The daughter doesn't work there any more.
The owner is going to poison someone to death one day.
I never want to get the stomach flu again.......NEVER!!!!!!

Boxer said...

oooooooooooooooh. I'll stop complaining about the nasty head cold I got that lingered for 2 weeks. Whatever you got, it was strong and quick to grab the next poor victim. I got food poisoning like that once and it was HORRIBLE. Sorry you all had to endure, but the non working toilet story is pretty funny (as long as it didn't happen to me.)

Anonymous said...

Well, look at the bright side, if you and Inia made it through all that and are still together, then you guys really are in it for the long-haul :)

gab said...

ack.....sounds just like me when I get a migraine.....a migraine I tell you and Im doing what you all did with the stomach flu god hope I never get stomach flu cause I already know how bad it gets with a just a migraine!!!!(which by the way I just had last week) had to put in all new garbage sacks in all the cans cause I hit every one in the house! its awful to be sitting and have to grab the bucket because its coming out both ends!!
Now that you and Inia have seen the worst of each other you know that it cant be any worse than that!!!