blue moon (2)

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Pieces ©


What a day last night and today was.
First we went out for chicken wings.
The guys said they were going for 12 pounds today.
Now I distinctly remember we ate 10 last time but there was 4 of us and today with only three I don’t see it happening and I wasn’t going to put on the 70 pounds I lost to make them happy.
Well we scoffed down 10 again and I know Archie packed away over four of them and he wanted pizza after.
Fuck that.

Speaking of Archie, he kept bugging me when the waitress was with in earshot.

Where the wings,
I am hungry
Ask her there she is

Over and over and then on one of those times she actually heard him, and came over and asked if there was a problem.
Archie just turned away a bit and left me sitting there on the firing line.
Fat fucker does it all the time.
My head was working fast and then it came to me.

“Actually my friend here”, I pointed at Archie “said that you were kinda cute and have nice perky tits”

This tiny 20-year-old waitress was looking at the 58 year old 400-pound Greek with wide bulging eyes in shock with what he just heard.
She blushed and left.
Archie freaked, Mike was laughing his ass off.
That’ll teach him to put me on the spot all the time.

We paid up and drove Archie home.
I sat around the TV room for a while and then I sat at my computer to look at my emails.
There was one that got my attention, inside it had a copy of a post.
I read the post a couple of times and then I thought about it for a long time.
In fact I slept on it.
Today some one else brought it up to me in an IM.

Have you ever been wronged and knew you were but you felt guilty for some reason.
It’s stupid but just the same you take the blame for everything.
Then there are the gaps the missing pieces.
Not really missing but hidden covered over with lies and more lies.
Layer after layer concealing the truth.

I don’t know what’s worse, being deceived or stupid enough to believe someone who said they loved you.
Then you go to great lengths to go across the world to New Zealand for someone who said they wanted you there only to be made feel awkward, I won’t say unwelcome there were moments.
Non-the less, it wasn’t what was expected.
I had my suspicions but I trusted the person I was with, she wouldn’t do it to me again, right?
As some of you who have been here for a while, know how that went.
For the longest time I have blamed myself for a lot of it.
I went there with honorable intentions.

The post attached to the email was from my ex’s blog.
It pretty much said she was with someone else months before I bought my ticket to leave.
In fact it was with the same person she left me for the first time.
All she had to do is tell me she ran back to the other guy and saved me six grand and a lot of pain.
I don’t know, maybe it’s a power trip.
I do know you can’t get close to someone if there is another person in bed between you.

You would think that I would be really pissed right now, but I’m not.
You know why?
Remember this part:
Have you ever been wronged and knew you were but you felt guilty for some reason”.
The guilt is gone now and the pieces are now all together hanging on the wall for all to see.
There is something to be said about clarity.
I could stand back look at the whole picture and have a snicker now.
It’s a private joke, sorry.

I feel lighter

Have a nice day



Peter said...

I'm happy for you Walker, it's not everyone who can boast that they are at long last over a heartbreak, that guilt trip is a doozy to be on.

Walker said...

Peter: Is it a boast or finally being able yo exhaul.
What ever it is I know i never have to answer to the out come again.

gab said...

Well Now its truely over right? No more guilt even when you knew you were right. Why is it that women do this to you knowing that they aare the stinkers? I think they want to make sure you spent that last little bit of money you have on them even if it is to say good bye. And yes Im female but have never done that to any man!

Walker said...

Gab: I dont understand the whys and its not only women. Men have done it to women to in other ways.
It was over from before its just now I know the truth and all trhe denials have now become truths and reasons are better understood.
I was always honesrt with her and deserved the same respect as did the others before me and the ones who will be next to.

patti_cake said...

I read that post and although I don't know the whole history I wondered about you... Glad you are feeling okay about it now.
You deserve a snicker AND to feel lighter!

Walker said...

Patti_Cake: There is nothing left to do.
She came back to me saying she was wrong and then she runs back to him without telling me then lead me on thinking another thing.
I may be the fool here but she is the joke.

Nan said...

I'm so glad that you have clarity now. It's a wonderful thing. It allows you to move on.

Walker said...

Nan: Yes it does. It helps me understand the whys. :)