blue moon (2)

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Yeah Man ©

Nothing I seem to do is the easy way.
It’s always the long or hard way.
I don’t know if I do it to myself or it’s supposed to be that way?
Whichever it never seems to be boring.
Like when I went down under.
It took me 40 freaking hours.


Others do it in like, 24 hours.
On the way back it took 22.
Maybe they were in a hurry to get rid of me and flew faster I don’t know but that’s still 18 hours faster.

Took me 15 hours to get to my resort recently.
Took everyone else 6.

How come I always get the scenic route?
I bump into my travel agent one day and ask him.
“Hey Jimmy, why did it take me 40 hours to get to New Zealand”?
“Ah” he said “ I wanted you to get there during the day time, so we delayed you 18 hours ………………….“Are you a fucken moron”?
“Were you born in Newfoundland”?

I spent so much time in terminals I felt like I was a Tom Hanks co-star and what was worse was that I left a country where it was –40c and found myself in Sydney Australia dressed like Nanook of the North where it was a broiling 40c.
Everyone walking by mumbled “Canadian”.
“Yeah, that’s right, I am”.

Where the fuck are you supposed to change on a plane.
Can’t do it in the washroom.
It’s so tight in there I’m to scared to go for a piss just in case we hit some turbulence and slice my pecker off with the toilet paper dispenser.
You ever hit turbulence while 35000 feet in the air and stuck in the planes washroom?
The only time you ever wanted a seat belt and there isn’t one in the can and that’s why I don't use them.
I’m not the only one either.
All you got to do is look around the cabin next time you are flying.
The grimacing faces are the holders, waiting to land.
The smilers and the ones that wear depends and thinking of those with the grimacing faces.

Any how, here I am, 5 hour bus ride followed by a 2 hour car drive.
A 2 hour, then 4 hour flight followed by a 2 hour bus ride to get to my vacation paradise.
We stumble out of the bus to a spectacular view of the Caribbean.
Did I mention they let you drink beer on the bus.
They insist.

We enter the lobby of the hotel and Inia goes to the desk to book us in.
She says she looked back and saw me jump in a van with a huge Jamaican dude and take off.
Yes, it doesn’t matter what part of the world Walker goes to he connects fast.

Inia walked to the desk and I lit up a smoke.
That’s when this huge man walked up to me.
People think I am big, this guy had a foot on me and fifty pounds easy.

“Hey man, want to have the Bob Marley experience man”.
“I don’t know, he’s dead”.
“HA HA you a funny man”.
“No man I take you on a 8 hour bus tour of where Bob Marley hung out”.
“Listen man, I just spent 15 hour tenderizing my fucken ass on some sort of seat so the last thing I want is to spend another 8 hours on one”.
The only Bob Marley experience I want is some ganja can you do that”?
“Yeah man, I get you anything you want man, give me $60 and I will be right back”.
I look at him and think to myself I can afford to give 60 to a complete stranger and watch him driver off with it
“Back in twenty minutes man”.
Yeah, maybe but you got to trust someone at some time and this guy looked like he was well known at the hotel by everyone.
Twenty minutes later this van pulls up and he said to get in and drove off a bit.

In the van he passes me a crumbed up news paper and in the center of it was this HUGE fucken bag of pot.
I freaked.
I mean, I expected 4-5 grams not 2-3 ounces.

“What the fuck am I going to do with this”?
“I am only going to be here for a fucken week, I am not moving here”.
“All I wanted was a small bag”.
“That is the small bag”.
“Are you fucken nuts”.
I totally ignored the fact that he was a giant and in his van.

“Hey man, you throw me $20 for getting it for you”.
“Fuck that, I will give you another $60 to take half of this back”.
“No man, just the 20 for getting it”.
“Look, it’s to fucken big for my pocket”.

I walked out of the van with the bag inside my shirt and met Inia halfway to the elevator.
She asked what I was up to and showed her in the room.
She freaked at the amount like I did.
She asked what I was going to do with it all and I told her the truth, anything I can to get rid of it and you will hear about that over the next few posts.

Have a nice weekend



Just telling it like it is said...

well I have never had a penis in balls of my very own ...just one me so I wouldn't know about the toilet situation

Just telling it like it is said...

on me...

gab said...


Shana said...

Interesting to say the least. Hope you are having fun!

Peter said...

Hi Walker,welcome to NZ bu you know Australia is the real Down Under don't you?
Our turkeys are more likely to be undersize Emus than those pooncey Kiwis BTW.