blue moon (2)

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Sex Talk: I Do, Why? ©

Today’s Sex Talk has no red lights on it but is about marriage and your opinions would be welcome and appreciated.

He woke her up at 5 am by lifting her leg and entering her from behind.
Five minutes later she was pinned faced down on the bed and he was pounding into her.
When he was done he pulled out and went to take a shower.

She got up and went into the kitchen to get breakfast started.
She made him eggs, toast and coffee.
Fifteen minutes later he walked out, told her he had no time for breakfast and walked out the door.
She sat there looking at the food on the plate, not hungry.
Tossing it in the garbage she went to the laundry room and turned on the washing machine on then went to wash up herself.

After her shower she went and begun her daily routine.
First she took out what she needed to make dinner and started putting that together.
She needed to have it all prepared to begin cooking so it will be ready for when he got home.
After she had done with the preparing all she needed left to do was the actual cooking so she put it all back in the fridge until later.
She then went outside where she ran into her neighbour who was working in her garden.
They chatted for a bit outside and then they went inside for a coffee.
Noon had her back in her house and she took the clothes from the washer and placed them into the dryer.
She went out the front door and retrieved the mail then placed it on the foyer table for him when he got home.
He looked at all the mail and took care of all the bills.

Then she took out the vacuum and begun vacuuming the bedrooms upstairs first them down in the lounge and dinning area when the phone rang.
“Hello”
“Hi mom, yeah everything is going great how’s dad”?
“That’s great.”
“Yes he is at work, he is doing well but he has more responsibilities now and he gets in late”
They talked for about an hour before she told her mother she had to start dinner.
After hanging up she went to the fridge and took out what she had prepared and put it all together and on the stove to cook.
She then finished her vacuuming.

While dinner was cooking on the stove she emptied the dryer and took everything to the lounge and folded clothes while she watched TV.
By The time every6thing was folded it was 4 pm.
Dinner was almost ready so she put it on simmer while she went and put the clothes away.

Walking back to the kitchen she surveyed the house to make sure everything was done and in its place.
She shut the stove off and moved the pot off the element.
It was 4:30 and he usually got home at 5 but he might be late.
She went into the bedroom and changed into a dress because he didn’t like her wearing joggies.
Then she put on some makeup and made herself look good, the way he likes it.
It’s all about pleasing him after all isn’t it?
It was about 6:30 pm when she heard his car pull into the laneway.
He walked into the house and she could see that he wasn’t in a good mood.
He tossed his briefcase on the floor and told her that he was hungry.
She rushed to the kitchen and put their dinner on the table.
He took a bite while she was sitting down and dropped his fork into the plate and asked her what this shit he was eating was and why it was fucken cold.
She told him that he was late and it had gotten cold.
In a fit of anger he picked up his plate and threw it at her, narrowly missing her head but covering her clean dress with his dinner.
The plate shattered on the floor.
He got up and back handed her across the face then told her that he wanted his dinner hot when he got home.
He then picked up her plate and heated it up in the microwave and sat down and ate it.
She got up and went to the kitchen sink and wiped her dress off, the stains would not come off as she wiped at them with a wet towel.
He got up as she walked back into the room and he told her to clean up the mess then went to watch TV.
He sat there for a couple of hours until he got sleepy and without saying a word to her he went off into the bedroom for the night.
This was the only time she was comfortable with him in the same house, when he slept.
She went to the computer in the corner and turned in on.

Hi Walker
Hi, how are you tonight.
Great, thank you
How was your day………?

****************************

This is one of those posts I have been trying to write for days now and it touches so many subjects that I am always racing off in another direction.
This is a fucken hell like the subject matter I am trying to write.
What is hell or heaven for that matter?
Many people have their own theory on that.
Some say it is a place or places where you go when you die.
Some say they don’t exist at all.
The drunk sleeping on the park bench says hell is home with his wife and she says Heaven is anytime he doesn’t come home.
For me, Heaven or Hell is a state of mind.
When you are happy then you are in Heaven and when you are not, Hell is all around you.

The post you have just read is true and was sent to me to post.
I rewrote it in my words so no one would know who it was from for her sake.
For the last month I have been talking to three people and they have been sharing with me some of their life.
All three could almost be the same person and if I didn’t know better I would say it was.
They all have problems at home with their partner and all have been physically and mentally abused in some manner, they are all becoming basket cases fast.

I was going to say I am old fashion and I believe a man should respect a woman but why does that have to be old fashion?
Have you noticed that the stuff we call old, like respect, honour, truth, Love ….. Are better than what we have now?
Are they old ways or just things we have been neglecting?

Being ignored
Yelled at
Demeaned
Threatened
Punched/ hit
Forced to have sex then called a slut after
Not fed
Broke
Not allowed to go to the doctor unless she is next to death and then it’s a maybe
Feeling alone
Scared
Helpless…………….

These are some of the things I have been listening to, stories that made me angry and sad if not lost and confused.
Marriages that span 20-31 years
For hundreds of hours, I have listened to the silent tears in shock and disbelief.
I asked questions poked and prodded deeper and it only got darker with every reply.

I finally did what I don’t do, I told them they have to leave, get out RUN!!!!!!!
I have never told someone that, especially to someone that is married.
I would normally look for ways to repair a relationship but there isn’t anything to repair.
There never was a relationship to begin with from some of the accounts because they were treated like this from the beginning.
For thirty years being treated like garbage
One is not a relationship, its slavery and worse.
One told me she can’t because of her wedding vows.
The other two were just plain scared.

Wedding vows, what do they mean to you?

Vows are promises you give to someone when you both want to join your two lives into one legally.
I decided to go do some hunting and research and I was surprised to see some of these vows.
I have never been married so I never had to say them but reading some of these vows I really don’t agree with them.
Now what I did was compare them and I found what the groom says is he will be faithful and take care of his wife in all of them but the woman has to pledge well here: “pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife” or “I submit myself to you”.
I got this from this website, the first two to be exact.

Now I understand that the vows used to include “To Love, Honour and Obey, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer till death, do us part”.
That’s a tall order when you look at it for either person but after making these promises infront of witnesses you are leagally bound and the licence you have purchased is now your contract and ownership of each other or is it.
I bet many of you are curling your backs up right about now but it is true in a sense.
You can’t be with someone else can you, not legally or morally, you have made promises.

Now it’s the OBEY part I have issues with.
That’s a powerful word.
Now if the wife is in the street and there is a bus bearing down on her and he yells MOVE!!!!!!!!
She better obey what he tells her but what if he wants her to fuck all his friends for Christmas, does she have to?
She did promise to obey him.
If he beats her and tells her not to tell anyone, does she have to be quiet and stay in that relationship because of her wedding vows?

It’s obvious whoever wrote most of the vows I have been reading are someone that wanted to create legal slavery.
The love, honour, cherish, to care for in sickness and health I am on board for and when you both have it good, YES until death do us part.

BUT WHEN YOU ARE BEING BEATEN LIKE A FUCKEN DOG, THE CONTRACT IS BROKEN.

Mental abuse is just as bad.
That marriage licence you got was a contract and it’s legally binding.
If you are being abused physically and or mentally that is assault and thus a crime.
The contract ends right there because you can’t have a legal contract that purposely hurts someone else otherwise putting a contract out on someone would be legal.
The second you start being physically abused it’s over and you should be gone gone gone and your vows are the last thing you should be thinking of.

For those that are scared, it’s time to stop being scared.
I heard how they have nothing and all they ever had was given to them by their husbands.
Both say they have lived off their husband’s handouts.
That’s bull shit, you never have.
You stayed home and raised his kids, your kids.
That was your job and more even because you are doing other work as well like paying bills and balancing the account, shopping errands for him and the housework.
All he does is go to one job you have many jobs you do at once.
Half of everything is yours and that includes his pension so you are not broke and without anything.

Some were scared of the physical violence they might receive if they left and they all said they had no where to go.
Yes you do have places to go, just look for it.
There are women’s shelters and groups that would help you find a place to live and find a job in some cases BUT you have to take the first step towards your own freedom and it is YOUR freedom we are talking about here because it is YOUR life not someone else’s.
The only person you should be obeying is yourself, your body and soul thus your life.
If your ex threatens you get a restraining order to keep him at bay or arrested if he persists.
They say they are too old to be out there alone and who would want them?
You would be surprised and knowing what these women look like, I can tell you they won’t have to worry about being alone for to long but they only look at the abuse and believe the prick that abused them would be the only person that would want them in their eyes.

I don’t care what religion you belong to or if you don’t believe in one but you don’t belong to anyone but yourself.
Marriage is about sharing a life with someone in harmony and not at the end of a swinging fist.
The only emotion that should be welcomed is Love and fear is not.
If you live in fear at home then you are not living, you’re just a walking zombie going through the motions, void of all emotions and in a deep state of depression most times and taking pills isn’t going to get rid of your problem if it’s an abusive partner.
Another thing that I have heard is that it’s their fault their marriage is failing.
For what, you didn’t fail your marriage he did.
The abused is not at fault but because they have been dominated for such a long time they believe they are to blame.
I have found many women guilty of abuse as well, mostly mental abuse rather than physical.

I have never been married, not because I fear commitment, in fact I welcome it.
Where my problems are is that if I commit I will do it forever but I haven’t found someone yet.
I have bought and paid for a marriage licence but I realized before I acted on it that it would have been for the wrong reasons.
There was one person I would have married but in the end she gave me reason not to trust her either.
So as it stands I am still not married but I don’t have to get a divorce either.
Call me old fashion if you like but my word is all I have and I will say “I do” and mean it to someone who loves me as should we all.

There is so much more I could put here maybe you can in my comments.
My head is all jumbled right now.
I will say this.
You don’t have to stay someplace where you are fearful, you do have rights and it’s not your fault.
Just because you think you have nothing you are wrong, you have your self esteem and some of you have children and grandchildren to think about.
Being in love is why you get married not to be a someone’s slave.
Get up, get out and be happy, you deserve better.
Remember, you took the first step to leave by talking to someone in this case me, now listen to yourself.


Have a nice weekend


Walker

23 comments:

Mindinside said...

cheers!

PBS said...

It's very very hard to get out of an abusive situation. The concerned people around you (if they know, many times there ARE no concerned people, the abused person is isolated) can't believe why a person would stay, or worse, go back to someone who is abusing them. But it's because of the loss of self esteem, and the fact that you think you don't deserve any better, and are a bad person (because this bad thing has happened to you). I know, I was in the same situation many years ago. Caring friends can help work the miracle of escaping a bad relationship. It sounds like you are that caring friend!

An Extraordinary woman in a mediocre life said...

That's a helluva a post Walker. Happy are those that can call you friend. I sincerely hope these women take the second step and then the step after, getting them the hell out.
And for those staying for religous reasons:... the vows were made by him too, treating you like a slave and hurting you (in any sense) were not part of the contract - rendering it null and void. Do you really think God wants to see you broken, injured and in pain? God gave you free will, use it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Walker said...

Mindinside: Well cheers to you to :)

Walker said...

PBS: I am sorry to hear you went through something like this.
Yes I beleive it is hard to get out but get out you have to.
There is a whole life waiting out there for us with someone that will resoect you and treat you as you should be treated and not like a throw away pillow

Walker said...

Maria:Thank You
I love my friends but it's not only them, everyone should be happy and not live in fear.
I know many people who are happily married Like Mr and Mrs H and many many more.
Everyone could have that but there are some male and female that don't deserve to be out among people.
Vows are for those who beleive in them.

Anonymous said...

It's friday the 13th!
If my older kids had read the first part of this post they would have said they remember the night that happened. But the plate wasn't thrown he tried to smash it through my face.

I stayed too long because of money. I didn't think my paycheck would raise my kids. Things that my Mother and sister said to me didn't help. But at the end I did a hell of a lot more then I thought I could do. I did it alone and I'm very proud of that fact.

The best advice I could give would be if you have kids get them out of there. Because what they are learning is bad. Little girls don't need to think that this is the way men act and little boys don't need to believe this is how we treat women. As mothers we need to stop that ball from rolling.

Be safe...

Walker said...

Lora_3:You're a very brave woman to do what you did. I am sorry you had to go through all of that.
You are right, what he teach our kids they take with them and they don't need to learn bad habits from bad people.
Respect is paramont when it comes to people and if you are not getting it then it's time to go.
If others are incouraging you to stay in and abusive relationship then they could put on your clothes and live in your house so you can run to a freedom you never had.

Sally said...

Your writing confirms what a lot of others think, but don't put into words.

I feel so badly for women who have been demoralized, lost self respect, feel no worthiness, and see no future other than what they are living in. I, too, believe there are other options, but, then I haven't been in their shoes other than being married to someone who was verbally abusive.

Another issue I've heard all my life are the ones who stay in bad marriages "because of the children". Is that the way children should be raised, as another one of your commenters said. Heck no!

I wish your friends well, and sincerely hope they can find it within themselves to get out of these situations. Life is short, we only get one chance at it. Why punish ourselves by continuing to be beaten down? That has to be a better way.

Monica said...

I read through this post a couple of times. It's an area of my life I don't talk about too much. I take part in volunteering for a domestic hotline and a different hotline.

The scariest part of leaving is the unknown but it's also the part that brings peaceful nights. I had a great marriage. My ex didn't hit me till the end of it. He wanted to protect his retirement status for the military. He never served in a war or had any trauma in his life so that can't be used as some excuse. He just wanted me and the kids at home all the time and I was not built that way.

I remember calling my mom and telling her I wanted a divorce but that I was staying in Alabama so the kids could be close to their dad. The boys still had a relationship with him, then. In fact the day he was served with divorce papers, he had them all day. But it showed him we were not getting back together and he lost it and I ended up in the hospital that night. The boys never talked to him after that and my mother, brothers, sister and aunt drove all night from Texas to Alabama to get us and help us move back home.

It was hard financially. I sold plasma to buy dinner for my kids and my older son was diagnosed with an illness that had us in and out of the hospital with him for a year and a half. This was before my brother went into business for himself but if I had asked I'm sure he would have helped even back then as much as he could. I don't understand families who don't help each other out. Still, I felt alone with the burden most of the time. But it was worth it.

He's a wonderful father to our daughter. She's the only one of his kids that will talk to him (none of his three sons do, the one from his first marriage or my sons). I won't take his positive traits away from him. I just refuse to be alone with him.

You have to make the decision to leave. It's hard but not as hard as sitting there taking it.

Oh, and Walker? Life doesn't come with guarantees and neither do relationships. You just have to love someone enough to take the risk. I don't regret my marriage at all, just the way it ended.

Andrew said...

Domestic abuse is one of life's truly sad situations, and can be difficult to get out of, like and you the other commenters have said. Hopefully shining a light on the situation and sparking a dialog like this will help at least one person decide to deal with their own situation in a way that saves them further pain and sorrow.

Walker, you are one of my most faithful commenters and for that I am grateful. I hope you have a great weekend!

Andrew ("To Love, Honor and Dismay")

Walker said...

Sally: I think after seeing what others think they could form their own courage and seek the peace and freedom they deserve.
Life is short and one should enjoy it with someone who loves them.

Walker said...

Monica: No life doesn't come with guarantees and what comes later can't be expected but some got into relationships hoping their spouse would change and stayed in them for so long they were lost to the abuse and neglect.
Eventually love is replaced with fear and hate.
They hate where they are and they fear to leave because they have known nothing but him for most of their life.
How many wives were institutionalized 100 years ago because they were nuts.
I wonder if they were nuts or recieved to many blows to the head.
Times have changed and women have more rights than they had and more options to live happy if they are willing to take that first step.
I know you are a strong woman and would do anything for your kids and as I say I am not surprised that you would sell you blood for food money I am suprised that you had to do it.

Walker said...

Andrew: Yes abuse in the home is the worse kind.
Like being in a prison with nowhere to go and suffering torment and physical torture.
Hey I like coming over there, I can get into some of the subject matters, besides someone's got to keep you honest LOL
You have a good one to :D

phoenix said...

I can't relate to the story you wrote but I can relate to mental abuse... and yes, I stay because of my son. His father is a good man but he has no idea how miserable he makes me. Neither one do to be honest. My son knows that his parents do not have a normal relationship, but other than that he is blind to it. We have only fought one time in front of him and I prefer to keep it that way.

I do often wonder if it is my fault... then I look back and realise it is pretty much 50-50. The main problem is my old man cannot deal with the real world. He is older and set in his ways. The world of today is not one he will ever akin to. He is predjudiced and bigoted and I can't abide by it.

I could go on and on... but I think I made my point. Someday when I do walk it will be the best day of my life. I won't get depressed or go through any grieving. That part has already run it's gamut. It will be a day to celebrate a new beginning... and a load will come off my shoulders.

Good post Walker. Thank you.

Walker said...

Phoenix: I know what living with bigotry and more within my own family and group of friends.
They know where I stand on the subject and do their best not to bring it up becsuse I tend to get a nit vocal about their attitudes.
It sounds you are not compatable with your husband more than anything else.
Its a shame you have to put up with what you have but you seem to understand that and are ready to take comtrol of you life when you feel the time is right.
I hope your rebirth will be as liberating as you dreamed it will be.

jac said...

A very nice post, Walker !
Worthy to read.


We may differ in many ways, but we both are Aries. LOL
I am with you all the way.

I came to tell you that I am back.

Anonymous said...

First time for me here...and because I was in an abused relationship, I can identify with what you wrote.
It's hard. Nobody knows how it feels until you part of it.
and it wasn't the physical part...it was worse than that.

Great post. I'll be back for more.

Walker said...

Jac: Like i said before if we all agreed the world would be boring. As long as we have enopugh in common to keep it fun
I knew you would be back blog junkie.

Walker said...

Sarah: The mental abuse I think is worse.
The wounds and bruises heal but the scars left in your head and heart never heal.
You just do your best to go on and wish what comes next will be better.
The thought of not being loved back by someone who you’ve pledged yourself to or the thought of never being loved again, sits heavy on your soul.
Physical pain goes away.

Thanks for coming by and you are always welcome.

patti_cake said...

I thought I posted on this on Friday. I am so sorry for your friend Walker. Domestic abuse is a sad, sickening thing.
We had "obey" omitted from our marriage vows. Something we both felt strongly about.

Miss Cellania said...

Your philosophy of love and respect is not so old-fashioned. Men have been treating their wives as property for millenia. Its only been the last 100 years or so that women have even dared to dream of a better life than that of an object for a man. And in some cultures, this century hasn't arrived.

Now, spousal abuse is seen as an aberration by New World society as a whole, but its much more common that most people know. I've been there. If it wasn't for an old friend (who I later married) pulling me away, I might still be there.

The fear is real. The belief that its all your fault is real. And the danger is real. In a woman's entire life, the period where she is most likely to be murdered is when she tries to leave an abusive husband. She needs help, real help. Her parents would be best. Friends are good, too. Law enforcement, eh, not so much. They only intervene AFTER a restraining order is violated. The problem is that a woman MUST cross the point of no return before she leaves, because if she EVER goes back, she's dead meat, because she has exposed the family's little secrets.

I pray your friend can get the help she needs to leave. My life turned completely around when I did. I now regret the ten years of my life wasted, but it could have been more.

Ben Klar said...

I am getting married in three days and I am actually putting the finishing touches on my vows. My fiance and I decided that our vows would be more meaningful if we were to write our own. As a matter of fact, I had been using the website that you posted as a model. I think it is a huge failure among men (and probably just people in general) to completely neglect the promises that are made in wedding vows. God calls men to be considerate toward their wives, treating them as a weaker partner, but as a joint heir in Christ. Men are not appointed as dictators but as leaders, leading just as a Jesus chose to lead, in the mold of a servant. How far we have strayed.