blue moon (2)

Friday, June 02, 2006

Sex Talk: The Baby Section ©

Friday again
You ever notice as you get older they come by faster.
So fast in fact you don’t have time any more to figure out what you are going to do with that spare time………….
I suspect you are all laughing right now.
What fucken spare time?
When we were young we didn’t have all the work we have to do now or the added luxury of a partner and kids to deal with so Fridays we were out with the friends.
Now the weekends are for house cleaning because it seems you are the only one that knows how to start the vacuum cleaner and clean the kitchen.
Ok that was a bit of my “I’m sick of house cleaning” rant.

But it is Friday and that means this week’s edition of Sex Talk.
Kids and sex, here is a fun situation for many a parent at any time and age.
From the day I got my first hard on while reading National Geographic’s I have thought of sex.
I was eight at the time and was I surprised when I came.
I had no idea what had happened but knew one thing I was going to do it again.
I had no knowledge of sex but was getting strange feelings and aroused.
That’s’ when I developed an interest in girls that landed me in a body cast for a year once.
Sex hurts was something I learned early.
But my curiosity grew more and more as did my National Geographic’s collection.
It took me 5 years before I found out what I was missing and craving.

As I became a father I was put on the other side of the line on many occasions by my kids.
My two and two step kids come up with some interesting questions, answers and ideas.
Alex my oldest was 6 at the time when she came up to me one day and said.
Dad I am going to have a baby.
Yes dear I know you are.
One day you will be grown up and find a man your father can’t catch to kill and you will have a baby, right after the shotgun wedding.
But dad I am going to have on now and Tommy is going to be the dad.
What?
He kissed me at recess and now a bird is going to bring me a baby.
I started laughing and I sat there explaining to her that she was not going to have a baby and a stork will not be bringing her one.
So do you understand that you can’t get a baby if someone kisses you?
Yes
Now Alex, where did you say Tommy lived …………..

As the years went on she came up with some more stuff to make me fumble and mumble but her sister Tina was the wild one and she came right out and asked in front of the world.
At a party one day when she was 6-7 she walked into a group of people and then looked up to my cousin then asked her why she got so big and fat so fast.
It was one of those Oscar moments where you wish there was a time delay so you can grab the kid before she says a word.
Well Tina my aunt began.
I am having a baby, a cousin for you to play with but I have to carry him in my belly.
Really…..well my mother is smarter than you.
She got me from the super market and didn’t have to get fat.
And I am not sharing my toys.
She turned and strode of like the sweet little shit that she was.
Need I say who the first one to leave was?
When Tina had asked her mother where babies come from her mother for lack of a better answer said babies came from the super market.
One day while shopping with Tina she told me she was going to the baby section to see if she could find a brother for us to buy.
Yeah right, “I’m going to have to talk to her mother I think” I thought to myself.
I told her not to wander off from where I could see her.
About ten minutes later she came back disappointed.
I asked her what was wrong.
The babies are not ready yet.
How do you know that?
I saw them
WHAT?!
So she led me down to the butcher’s section and pointed through the window to a bunch of chickens hanging off hooks.
See they don’t have hair yet.
I want a brother with hair.
Gezzz, I am really going to have to talk to your mother.

My stepdaughter used to throw me for a loop every now and then.
She had me sitting cross eyed on a number of occasions.
It’s hard dealing with your kids and harder when it’s a girl that is getting older but when it’s not your kid it’s even more difficult.
Now kids are innocent and oblivious to the pressures of being a stepfather especially to a female and when something happens that involves………. Well let me tell you.
The GF is gone to take the stepson to the Karate school and I am home with the step daughter when I hear a cry for help upstairs.
I run up and into her bedroom.
Here is my 9 year old step daughter bottomless sitting on the bed frantic and crying.
Looking away I ask her why she is not wearing pants and why she is crying.
Well it seems curiosity got the better of her and she managed to slip an M&M peanut inside her and couldn’t get it out.
FUCK!!!!!!!
WTF am I supposed to do, call 911?
What do I say; my step daughter decided she was an M&M dispenser?
Waiting wouldn’t do any good remember melts in your mouth not in your hand and the commercials said nothing about a little girl’s vagina.
And why does the step son need to take Karate?
I could buy him a gun and his mother could be here dealing with this leaving me to play in traffic and relieve me of any more of this.
I lead her to the bathroom where I filled the tub with warm water and told her to sit in it until something came out or her mother came home.
I went downstairs and paced the floor like a father expecting his wife to give birth but was in fact waiting for a 9 year old to have an M&M.
She was up there for forty-five minutes before her mother came home and I told her the news her dispenser.
She went up and two minutes later came down with the three M&Ms, yup she was trying to see how many she could get in.
What did she think she discovered a new built in pocket?
The GF went in there to get them.
That’s it I drive the kid to karate from now on.
So you see sex is not only for the adults to enjoy, it’s also for kids to drive adults crazy.

So how old were you when you first discovered your sexuality for the first time?

Have a nice weekend.

Walker

Fridays Jokes

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

TIDE

Dear Makers of Tide Detergent: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise> and satisfaction; all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go.
Have to write to the Hefty Bag people...

3 comments:

Angel Without Wings said...

I can't believe no-one commented on this post, it was hilarious. You poor bugger having to deal with an M&M crisis. Very, very funny. You gotta love kids.

Sally D said...

Absolutely great stories and post really funny excellent.

Mark Star said...

Great posts and very very funny those bloody m&m's.