blue moon (2)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Old Habits Revisited ©

A while back I had written some posts (Old Habits Old Habits part 2 Old Habits Part 3) that got me a bit of flack but I still stand by them.
Among all the emails and comments of support and anger there was one that I received that made up for all the flack I got.
It was from someone asking me if they could use my posts in their nursing college as a way for young nurses to understand what it was like to be a junkie and what they may have to deal with at the hospital or where ever they found work.
To be honest with all of you I was flattered, because she didn’t really have to ask, these post are public and the fact that she asked first shows respect and I value that more than anything.
When I wrote these posts, I wrote them so that people would know what it was like to be a junkie and what families go through with someone who is addicted to drugs and not make assumtions that people didn't care or that they didn't stop drugs because the didn;t want to.
To know that those posts are helping young people understand what drug addiction is like is priceless.
The other day I received another email from her asking me if I would answer some questions her class had asked.
So for today’s post I will answer them here for you as well.

1. Is the need/craving still there for the hard drugs?

The need and cravings never leave.
They are suppressed and come up whenever something happens to trigger it, like the rotting smell of garbage or getting drunk.
Rotting garbage probably has many of you scratching you heads I bet.
Cocaine is washed with ether usually and it smells like methane which is produce from rotting garbage.
So just the smell of it makes your stomach churn and the cravings begin.
Your body begs you for a hit, your brain says no, you hands get sweaty and the battle starts.
All I could do is to try and think of something else to keep my mind off of it.
Getting drunk reminds me that every time I used to get drunk I used to do crack to come down and if I was too high I would use booze to come down.
It was a marriage consummated by habit.

2. Have you ever gotten "bad" drugs and what type of side effects if so?

A few times but with crack, you purify it by cooking the cocaine to create the crack and eliminating most of the impurities.
What is a problem is the quality of the crack/cocaine.
There are some buffs (products used to cut the cocaine to get more weight) that can cause problems but the biggest problem is the quality of the drugs.
When the junkie is used to a certain quality (usually cut 50/50) he/she knows how big a dose to take but as in one case a friend of mine was given high grade cocaine (pure) and ended up dieing within minutes of shooting it up.
I have never shot up with needles so I can’t tell you what happens when they shoot up drugs or how they feel.
I got this thing about needles, as the ladies at the lab would tell you I could do without them thank you.

3. What kind of job did you hold to support your drug habit? Did drugs ever get you fired?

When you need $1000 a day the only job you have is selling drugs to support your habit and for me to make that kind of money I had to sell a lot of hash.
When I started smoking crack I was a truck driver and after work everyday I would go home and cook up some rocks and forgo dinner.
In the end I just didn’t feel like going to work anymore so when the ice company closed for the season I quit for good and became a full time junkie/dealer.
My friend Steve though was another matter.
He used to have three houses and a business that was doing great before he started and ended up loosing everything and found himself in the psychiatric ward where he still visits 4 times a year usually by court order for doing something insane like trying to drive his car though the prison wall to free his dealer because he can’t get a fix.

4. Did you ever end up in the hospital due to drugs?

Yes, in the eighties someone spiked my beer with heroin and I was DOA at the hospital.
It was a lot of good people working hard to bring me back from where I was that day.
I don’t remember anything past getting home and sitting on the couch and then waking up in the hospital later.

5. Did family ever try to help?

Family always tried to help but until I was ready for it, there was no help wanted.
In the end it’s your choice to live or die because in the end the drugs will win and you will die.
My mother used to look for me all the time, walking the streets among the other lowlifes looking for me.
Sometimes I saw her from a window looking for me but I didn’t care.
The drugs owned me back then.

Have a nice day



patti_cake said...

That was then, this is now. So glad you stepped away from the abyss my friend.

mrhaney said...

you have certainly been through a lot in your life my friend. it is a womder that you kicked it . it must be a strugle each and every day. there are a lot of people that could learn from what you have gone through. it would be so nice knowing that you was responsible for saving some young people.
when i was in the service i had plenty of chances to try different things but i just drank beer and whiskey and was luckt not to get started on any drugs besides that. i hate to get in to a habit that i could not quit.
well have a nice day and i hope your dell gets to you soon.

Walker said...

patti_cake : I am happyu I am through with it and the battles get shorter every year.
At this point I don;t think they would win me back but to be on the safe side I make sure the option is not there

Walker said...

mrhaney : I wish it was only beer and whiskey but I abused them also.
Now I rarely drink whiskey and beer on occation.
I guess i had to find out the hard wayh LOL

hellbunny said...

im glad you finally realised that you needed many people never do.

Walker said...

HellBunny: There comes a time when all the fog clears and offers you a window to get oiut and that is the time you run.

Anonymous said...

It takes a very brave person to write or talk about their old drug habit.

Be safe...

mary_bc said...

Great post and even better questions. I'm out the door right now but will have to come back and answer some of these. I know's a trip looking back and coming to terms with all this drugging stuff..but one must at least try if we are to have any chance at a decent reprieve.

Thanks for the comment..and I am sure you're 25peeps wll do next adventure is submitting the face..we'll see how long that 'doesn't' stay up there. Ahh a pity what sells these days eh. ;O)

stay well


Walker said...

Lora_3 : I used to beleive what know one knows about me the better but then I realized keeping quiet only makes matters worse because nothing is learned by others.
I learned what it was like and it was hell for the longest time.
The truth shall set you free in this case it did and hopefully save someone the grief i saw and went through.

Walker said...

mary_bc:Looking back is hard and painful sometimes that I wish no one has the displeasure of experiencing.
I the one I setnt was more of a joke, kinda having a little fun and poking a shot at it.
The face eh , not me I might scare some readers away :)

Anonymous said...

Well I always tell my kids that my life should be a great warning to them.

Thank you for coming over to my blog. Wasn't that video Great. I just added another link that gives you more of the story behind all of that.

I think I'm to say to you, Happy Thanksgiving! Yes! And Hugs to you and yours.

Be safe...

Walker said...

Lora_3 : Thank you and I really enjoyed the video and it was good to see people trying to make the world a better place.

Teresa said...

I am so proud of you. I have a cousin with a drug problem. I hope your writing will help me help her. Take care.

Walker said...

Teresa: If anything all I want is for someone to walk away from there posts woith something.
I can't tell people not to do drugs but I can tell them what they could expect.

maruf hadi said...

hi,greetings from kuwait, it's nice information, yes,drug habit is the one must be avoid to prevent ourself to be good, it's not benefit to us, it will be make ourbody broke and damage any bodypart, so leave drug habit