Happy New Year !!!!!! ©

I was sitting here trying to figure out how to end this year and decided instead of recapping the year I would share you a story and maybe we could all finish this year with a smile or maybe a snicker.
A friend, who called to wish me a Merry Christmas the other day, told the following story.

About a month ago Inia had come down with her youngest for the weekend.
It was the first time he had been here without his big brother who had gone hunting with his uncle and grandfather.
During that weekend my sister in law took the kids out and she picked up a gun that shoot darts with suction cups on the tips.
Because of his age his mother doesn’t want him playing with guns and the fact that he could hurt my cat or someone by mistake the gun disappeared mysteriously while he slept.

The next morning while we were in bed there was a phone call that I didn’t answer but let pass until they gave up and hanged up.
Well it seems they didn’t hang up but rather Inia’s four-year-old son answered the phone.

He picked up the phone and answered it.

“Hello” he said.

My friend was surprised to hear a young voice answer the phone but thought it must have been my niece.

“Hello N1, how are you”?
“I’m not N1, she is home sleeping”.
“Oh, well then who are you”?
“I’m Inia’s son, who are you”.
“I Walker’s friend, may I speak to Walker”?
“He’s not here, he’s upstairs sleeping with my mom and I can’t find my gun”.

Have a safe New Years Eve and a Happy 2010

Walker

In The Morning ©

In the morning when we wake up
We see the sun rise on a new day
A new year with new times to see
Memories to revisit down the road

With every ray of sunshine
We skate to the center of the universe
Holding hands and dreaming
Dreaming of a better year

Searching for things we don’t know or understand
Looking for love, maybe hope
Maybe peace of mind
Or just plain old fashion peace

At the dawn of reality
Warm rays touch your face, your soul
Once more igniting desires we neglected
Put aside for one reason or another

To walk outside naked among the glory of life
To spin with the euphoric simple pleasures of living
Enjoying the delights you allow yourself to consume
The pleasures you forgot existed

In the morning when dry tears have turned to sand
The sun is brightest
In the morning we see it the way it’s meant to be seen
In all it’s glory

We will bath in sunlight
Cry when it sets
When it slips away
Smile when we wake up in the morning

Come, come lay down with me
Let’s watch as the smoke rises to the stars
In the morning when we wake up
We can shower in its rays once more

Walker

Merry Christmas 2009 ©

You didn’t think that last post was my Christmas post did you.
Not likely
Even I am not THAT bad

RUN RUN RUN RUN

That’s what my week has been like.
First I ran through five doctor appointments, making sure everyone was done with that.
I am the only one who could drive at the moment because my father had eye surgery and can’t see to drive.
That and he turned 80 which means has to go for a driver’s test before he can keep his license.
After all that was done I had to do my Christmas shopping.

Oh yeah, me an a million others running around picking up lat minute shit and reaping in the sales.
I can’t say what I bought as Inia and my kids read my blog.
Even though I tried tried to save money by doing most of my shopping on line, it still cost me a shit load.
Close to a thousand dollars.

In total, my family spent in and around $5000 on Christmas presents.
If anyone else thinks that’s insane rise you hand in the air, that’s if you not busy trying to pull the big retail cock out of your ass.

The crazy thing is I saved about $500 shopping the way I did and it STILL cost me a fortune and I wasn’t alone.
I stood in line at the cashier waiting for the other 200 people in front of me holding their HUGE plasma TVs, laptops, desktop computers, kitchen appliances and various other electronic gadgets.

I could see their smiles and excitement as each step brought them closer to the cash until it was their turn then I could hear the grumbling as the cashier tell them how much their excitement was going to cost them.

When I got to the cash myself, I handed the game I was there to pick up to the girl and paid the ninety bucks.
Ninety bucks for one game.
Fuck, times have changed.
Out of there and to the dollar store to pick up a few items like bread.

I got to the dollar store, which by the way is suffering from the economy as well because
Every thing now is $1.25 instead of a dollar, but the sign still says The Dollar store.
They should change it to The Buck and a Quarter.
As I was racing through the aisles fighting with the little old ladies for items, who are dangerous during a sale by the way, I heard a couple of women talking.

A saleswoman was telling a customer that the item she was showing her “Keeps going and going and going for a long time”
The customer said she wished her husband could be like that and the other one reinforced her words by echoing the same sentiment and they both burst out laughing.
As they laughed they turned and saw me standing there listening.
I looked at them and said “Don’t look at me, I’m Greek and don’t know when to stop”.

They both started laughing and the one who wished her husband would be like the energizer bunny smiled and asked if I took requests.
When she had smiled she revealed a tooth in the front of her mouth that was blacker than black.
May explain why her husband was more of a hit and run artist.
Why she hadn’t pulled out that thing is beyond me.
I told her my dance card was full for the next thirty years and ran out the door.
I ran so fast when I got to the car I found the cashier right behind me running to the car to.
Fuck, I shouldn’t have said I was Greek I thought then she thrust out a bag with the stuff I paid for.
I was in such a hurry to escape from the Black Tooth I forgot my stuff at the cash.

Next I hit the grocery store where I scooped up two roast beefs and three turkeys.
Yeah, the diet is shot to hell.
Being the only one who can drive is a fucken pain in the ass when there are 5 people needing rides all the freakin time.

So now I am sitting here with all my Christmas shopping done.
I got everyone something and have nothing to give to no one
You’re all going “HUH”.

HA HA HA

In the end money being as tight as it is and D2 not having a job yet I passed her some of my gifts to give as so we all can feel the spirit of giving.
In the end it’s what it should be all about, giving not receiving.
With that; I will leave you with one of my favorite Christmas songs while you, yours build memories for tomorrow.

MERRY CHRISTMAS






Ok, maybe a little bad, HA HA HA!!!!!!

Happy Holidays

Walker

Sex Talk: White Crustymess ©

It was the night before Crustymess
And all through the world
Children were excited
While parents flipped the bird

The stores were all bustling
With sales everywhere
With hopes that everyone
Still had change to spare

Credit cards burned deep in their wallets
While plasma TVs dropped yet once again
As mom covered dads eyes one more time
A Kitchenaid mixer, blinked in her eye

Just then, from one of the stores
A man galloped out, running on all fours
Shouting and screaming about being only one more night
To hurry and go, before the clock strikes midnight

It hit us hard
Knocking us senseless
Sending us running
To all the expensive places

We ran from one store, then to the next
Waving our credit and buying the best
I got the TV, the wife the rest
We raised our limit, to buy up the rest

The girl at the counter
Snatched up my card
She swiped it once then twice
While I looked down her bra

As the light shone down
Upon her breast
I remembered something
I was told not to forget

I looked from one
And then to the other
Then I ran to get eggnog
As I just remembered

I ran down the hallway
Towards the store
Right past a lady
Standing at the door

Down the aisle
To where it should be
There was none to be had
And I really needed to pee

I looked for a washroom
I went all around
I looked and looked
But none could be found

I went down aisle five
Looked here and there
Found me BOUNTY
And yes it was on sale

Pulling up my zipper
Then wiping the floor
I head out back
Towards the door

Back in the hallway
Looked all around
I saw what I wanted
Then went to see what I found

One hour later I raced down the street
Ran two red lights and passed my street
Around the corner I came back to see
The wife’s car, parked on the street

I opened the door and went to the trunk
Grabbed up a bag and closing the truck
I walked up the laneway
Not really drunk

Opening the door
I stepped right in
The kids were all gone
So I went up the stairs

The first door was closed
The kids tucked inside
The washroom was open
With the cat inside

Down the hallway
I went to my room
I opened the door
And smelled her perfume

Inside I stepped as she saw me walk in
She looked and asked if I remembered what to bring
I smiled then grinned and gave her a nod
As she lay spread out, on top of the bed

I knew I was in trouble and needed to think
Pulling out a bottle, I offered her a drink
I gave her a glass then filled it with rum
One hour later I was fucking her bum

Two hours later
I fell back on the bed
She reached on over, grabbed it by the head
Stroked it gently, until it started turning red

She reached on over and whispered in my ear
“Did you get my eggnog, my lovely dear “
I squirmed and started to sweat
She knew I fucked up and I was going to be dead

I said “No honey, I forgot what you said”
She just smiled and nodded her pretty little head
Reaching on over to the side of her bed
She picked up a glass and said “Fill this instead”

I knew in that moment it was going to be a sight
As she stood on the bed and screamed most of the night
"Cum, Dasher!, Cum Dancer! , Cum Prancer and Vixen!
Cum, Comet! Cupid!, Cum Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the tip, all over the wall
Cum once, cum twice, cum all once and for all
Into the glass and all over the place’
I forgot the eggnog, now it’s all over my face

"Merry Crustymess to all, and to all “couch cough” a good night””

P.S.

Wash your face

Walker

Dishing It out And Raking It In ©

Tis the season to be greedy and stupid fa la la la la, la la, la,la

I’m a traditional kind of guy.
I like to eat my pussy first before I fuck it, then when I’m done just lay back and pamper my pleasure.
I think it’s more enjoyable that way.

It’s like Christmas.
I love looking to find things for people during Christmas then watching their face when they see it and know it’s theirs.
Then they spend the rest of the night keeping it polished and new.
Well, most do.
Some look at the weird thing they got for Christmas and try to fond a way to hide from it without anyone noticing.

Those are the gifts that usually get returned after Christmas but some people may be in for a surprise.
Some stores are breaking with tradition and found some Christmas cheer for their season by playing the Grinch that took back Christmas after he sold it to you.

I heard this the other day.
Say you bought someone a gift and said person didn’t like it for some reason and wanted to return it for something else or the money,
Some stores now charge from as little as 15% all the way up to 60% of the cost of said item to be restocked on the shelf.

So if you bought someone a gift for a hundred bucks and that person returned it, they would loose fifteen to sixty bucks as a restocking fee.
Fuck off, that’s insane.
Most people go out and buy gifts on the assumption the people they are shopping for will like them but there is a chance they won’t or may already have one or three if everyone else thought like you.
Who needs three toasters, so you would return two of them but in the end you may walk away with less than it would cost to buy one back the next day.

I can understand a time limit for returning items after the holidays because some things are subject to sales pre and post holidays then prices will vary down the road but to charge a restocking fee is ridiculous if it’s done within a specific time frame.

This is supposed to be a happy season, a time of year when many religions and their followers celebrate the act of giving, not receiving (Supposedly).
Retail stores take in a lot of business this time of year and reap the rewards so why do they have to start charging for returns.
I would think that accepting returns straight up would be part of the service these places provide.

What I see happening is people buying gift certificates more instead of going out to these stores to do any shopping.
Actually, many people I know and myself included are buying items online instead of going out to fight the crowds.

You would think that with all the business the retail outlets are loosing to online shopping they would be a little smarter in how they treat their customers.
Some stores have a clientele that have been going to them with their kids all their lives and when you start loosing that business you have no future.

At a time when people are scrounging for every penny to maintain the same lifestyle or existence the last thing they want to do is pay Wally or Beavis 60% to take back something that you don’t want, need or ever would.

Have you ever read the return policy?
Bring a microscope.
You go back and they say it’s in the return policy then flip the one inch price tag over, pull out four magnifying glasses giving you two and using two to line up all four to be able to read the return policy written on the period after the sentence “So long sucker.” below where it says made in China.

So I suggest when you are out Christmas shopping to take the time and understand the return policy.

Before I sign off here I have one more little subject I would like to touch, Political Correctness.

Political Correctness is phrase coined by racists to manipulate people into discriminating against themselves and others of their kind.
I got into a heated argument over this with a friend not to long ago because he says stores are not saying Merry Christmas any more but Happy Holidays instead as to not offend the Muslims.
For one, I hope that’s not the reasons stores do this but to hit all the religious greetings at once with what limited window space most people have to use.
Secondly, every store owner has the right to post what greetings he/she sees fit to post on his or her property.

The argument quickly went from being politically correct to the lords prayer in schools to I was a Muslim lover.
Well, if she has big tits and an ass begging to do a little belly dancing for me under that curtain they wear, then maybe yes I am.

He cursed that this was a Christian country and they were here first but that’s not true.
The good Christians came here and killed the Indians to take what they have now.
He said that was ok because they were only Indians.

In the end I told him to fuck off and he left.
I have no place for people who are to the extreme left or right.
Most of us are lost and confused in the middle with all this politically correct bullshit so let me help you out with a few things.

When you see a friend and know they are Christian you say Merry Christmas even if you are not a Christian.
They are your friend after all.
With people you don’t know you wish them the best for the season.
Simple.
Just because you can’t tell a persons religion from looking at them doesn’t mean you have to be an ass about it.

Someone not to long ago, a good person and a good Christian insinuated I was asleep and didn’t see what was happening around me.
Basically calling me stupid.
I can assure that person I am not asleep or stupid and see EVERYTHING that is going on around me.
Even the head games you are trying to play with me and everyone else that reads your fascist point of view on political and religious issues.

I find it suspicious when I see someone telling people that they should close the door on certain people because of their religious beliefs when they themselves are immigrants of an opposing religion.

Here in North America we have freedom of speech.
Freedom of religion
Freedoms to EVERYONE that live under our banners
I do NOT care what they do in Iran or Iraq
They have a population that knows what they want and can become what the want to be, be it by pen or sword.

The rights we have are rights we bestow on all those who live among us and not to those outside our borders thus can’t forcefully impose our laws on foreign lands and we can not expect to be treated the same as we are here under another’s rules and laws.
The same goes for those who come here from there.
Here we are like this so don’t try to live as you did because you are in for a rude awakening.

If we are to maintain our rights and freedom we must make sure that we allow ALL peoples to have access to them, governed under the same laws of this land and by NOT putting restrictions on people because you don’t agree with their beliefs.
The church, any religion is not above the law of the land.

When we start putting restrictions on people for their political or religious views then we are taking one more step towards the bonds of slavery.
We will slowly loose our humanity and destroy all the progress we have achieved as a species over the last hundred thousand years until we all end up back in a cave somewhere trying to figure out how to keep warm.

There’s a week left before Christmas and other holidays around the world.
I hope in this time of chaos around the world, people can find the time to stop and think of one thing.
Peace for others.
I want the Muslims to think of peace for the Jews.
The Jews to remember what it’s was like to be hungry and feed the poor.
The poor to find hope and something to believe in too survive.
For the Pope to open up the chafers of time and let us see the truth and free the world from centuries of bias translation.
For governments to find ways for the survival of the human race that doesn’t include self-annihilation.

The world is becoming to small a place to be politically correct.
The truth sets us all free
Seek it and you will be.
Try and hide it and it’s your prison.
We can’t change what we all are just accepting each other under the same rules for who we want to be.
Live and let live.

These have been my wide-awake opinions.
Now I am going back to dozing and letting people live their lives without me interfering in them.

Have a nice weekend

Walker

Buns In The Oven ©

“Hey”
“Ah, you’re done work”.
D1 has been sick lately and was diagnosed with tonsillitis but she still goes to work, tough kid.
Whines about it but grudgingly goes just the same.

“The doctor gave me a prescription for antibiotics the other day and he told me I had to eat yogurt when after each pill”.
“Oh yeah”.

Lately when D1 has questions or something on her mind she comes to me to talk it over and I do my best to give her an unbiased opinion.

“Yeah but I didn’t have yogurt so I just took the pills anyway and last night while I was in bed I was reading up on the pills and in side effects it said I could get vaginitis”.
“Ah yes, a yeast infection”.
Her face showed surprised that I knew what it was.

“That’s why you’re supposed to eat the yogurt with the pill”.
“Yeah I know that now but I have been taking them for three days before I found that out”.
“I guess it sucks to be you then eh”?

“Don’t worry about, I have gotten a yeast infection three times over the years”.
“I thought only women get yeast infections”?
“I got it from a woman”.

She let that mull around in her head for a few seconds and they she realized what I meant and her eyes widened.

“So what did it look like”?
“I’m not telling you what it looked like, that’s just not right a father telling his daughter what his pecker looks like”.

“NOOOOOOOOO”!!!!!!!!!
“What the yeast infection looked like”?!

“Oh, well, first it looks like a rash, then it gets bumpy and pimply”.
“Then after a few months it starts looking like a small patch of mushrooms”.
I’m just pulling this shit out of the air so I can watch her face contort.
“Every time you piss it burns so much your asshole cries”.
“But that’s what it’s like for a man”.

“What’s it like for a woman”?
“It’s a little different for a woman because she is built differently”.
“It all starts off the same way with a rash but they don’t grow into a little mushroom patch but rather like tiny buns”.
“It must be because of the yeast”.
“Yes that’s it”.

I love it when they help you think.
“Because a woman’s body is built differently, more like an oven down there so the buns, they start growing and growing bigger and bigger”.

“What happens then”?
“Well, depending on how long they are down there, it’s conceivable that after about a month or maybe two, you would have a dozen hot cross buns in the oven”.

She just sat the staring at me blankly for about a minute.

“You’re joking right”?
“Maybe……”

Parenting, it has its moments

Have a nice day

Walker

Bugged Out ©

You know, it never ceases to amaze me how people are and how they act.
I don’t know what it is.
Are the new generations becoming socially stupid and more hypnotrendisized and don’t acquire any social skills other than what should I wear to look cool.

For as long as I could remember I was on the ball.
When I came into a room, crawling or later, walking the first thing I did was know what was happening in that room.
When people talked to me I listened and at the same time absorbed other people reactions to the same conversation or to their own and processed all of that before I answered.

I take time to muddle all of this shit in my head then wait for the calculated answer to come to the forefront of my mind before I open my fucken mouth to speak.
May take a few seconds, minutes if it’s a serious subject but whatever it is I will say what I say when I am ready too not just blurt out shit from my pie hole.

Spontaneous stupidity is a relic from the past I believed we were growing out of but I regress it is mutating into another form.
In the stone age, fifty years ago our parents believed what any idiot told them, mostly because they weren’t that educated and didn’t know better.

Then their kids went to school and started to learn thing that contradicted what they had initially been taught by their parents.
Things like, “Ummmm how come you say I am Greek and my birth certificate says Canadian”?
Typo, hmmmm…maybe
So I guess all those French-speaking Greeks in Quebec would be Freeks.

So as the children of the cavemen grew and became educated in the ways of the world they grew with enlightenment.
The pot helped.
Their quest was to teach the truth to the next generation as it emerged but in their zeal to succeed they failed.

In our own way we have stolen an important piece of survival from our offspring rendering them defenseless out in the world.
Fueled by our fears of not letting them be manipulated as they were they have committed the same act on their kids.
We broke our bonds and then slowly put them on our kids by not allowing them to think on their own.

Every time we sit there and make a decision for our kids, we fail them.
I don’t mean medical stuff and such I mean personal shit.
They have to be able to work things out in their head from a young age so that when they are adults they know how to fucken think before they speak.

From the time they are old enough to understand what they want they should be taught the whys and why nots, then the answer so when they are old enough to understand better they know how to act in different situations.

Before I continue I would like to state that I am not perfect by any means and consider myself a fuck up but I try.

So I am sitting there watching football and the phone rings.
It’s my mother.
She was freaking out about something.
I couldn’t tell what because she was freaking out but I knew it involved D1 because her named was mentioned.
As my mother flipped on the other end another call was coming in, it was D1.
I told my mother I had to let her go because D1 was calling, she got even louder.

I hang up on my mother and say hello to D1.
Lets go back a little.
Just a little, I don’t want to write another epic.
A couple of days ago Alex went to work and came home sick and today was her first day back.

I asked her how it went and she said fine but she found a bug in the food she got from home then told YiaYia and she thinks she is mad.
Gezz, why didn’t she just shoot me first?
I told her to relax and I would call and find out.

I call my mother and she was still yelling on the phone.
She told me her version of event and then she floored me with, “She brought this little insect home wrapped in a white napkin and said it was in her food”.

My mother takes pride in the cleanliness of her house and her food is always fresh.
D1 had left that lunch at work for two days before she went back and ate it.
I asked her if she thought about the insect falling into the sealed container after she opened and put it in the microwave.
She said no she assumed it was there before, but the bug wasn’t cooked I told her, seeing as my father had already shoved it in my face to see.
She took the food directly from the pot and put it in the container.
I tried to explain to her what she did was rude and she was shocked to think it was.

I know she hasn’t been with me for seventeen years but I was hoping logic may have grew some common sense but what I see is something her mother would have done.
She does come and ask me what she should do about issues she has before her and I listen to the whole thing then ask her a few questions pertaining to the subject.
Then she asked me what I think I ask her what does she think and when she tells me I tell her she should do what she thinks is right for her.
It’s a choice she, they all have to make, it’s her life to live not ours to map out for them.
If there were something serious, illegal or dangerous I would offer more than just, “You decide” but outside of that they have to think so that shit like what just happened doesn’t happen.

I try my best not to tell my kids what they have to do.
I show them their options and I don’t decide on their choices.
We are here for guidance, to teach how to do things and why things are done a certain way but not what to do and when.
They get to choose their destiny, we fought for the right to break free of our bonds to find ours so they could be free but we have to let them learn to think first and at a young age so they know how to conduct them selves when we are not around to tell them what to do.
This way they will know how to make a logical decision or at least not walk blindly into something.
If we do it for them all the time, when they do get the opportunity they won’t know how and most times pay for it.
Little mistakes at an early age may prevent bigger ones years down the road.

As I sit here thinking and looking for reasons for this, it all leads back to the same place.
Our kids spend so much time on the computer either emailing or Iming they have slowly forgotten how to properly socialize.
There is more to socializing than just typing skills, of which I don’t have.

There is body language, tone of voice that needs to be taken into account, which you don’t see on line.
Your demeanor changes when facing someone face to face.
Everything you see, hear and feel generates your response differently.
You don’t learn that from the computer but from direct interaction and over the years you have learned how to conduct yourself under different circumstances with various different people or maybe the same person over different circumstances.

A lot of the interactive games being sold today deploy kids from all over the world in a virtual war zone.
Compelling them to choose sides and engage in a battle, a battle that though not real, it carries real implications.
I remember playing cowboys and Indians as a kid and we pretended to shoot each other but at the end of the day we all sat down together as friends laughing about the whole thing.
The next day we would do it again and the others would be the Indians.
With online games there is only the game and the animosity within it.
There is no sitting down after laughing about the strategy used and the result but just getting back in there to get the guy who knocked you out.

Most kids today text, not talk.
I have sat here listening to D1 sit there and say, “ I wonder what she means?” after receiving a text.
I guess something got lost between the letters.
Pick up the fucken phone and call.
It’s fucken free after 7pm and the text costs you ten cents.
DUH!!!!!!!!!
See, they don’t think.

Whose fault is that?
Ours.
We created these little fucken monsters.
The raised them with fear in our hearts and guarded them with tools of convenience.
Computers and game consoles, cell phones and what ever else will keep them busy and close by.

While we sit content they are safe the electronic and game creators are teaching our kids how to act.
I’m not saying they are doing it on purpose but that’s all they see and at their age believe its acceptable.
I’m not saying that these forms of media should be censored or outlawed either because I think they are important in the growth of our children.
If they were taught that in real life things are like this then when they do sit to play a war game they would have a better perspective of what it means and not just something fun to do.
In these games when you get killed you get to come back but not in real life.

We have to step back and start teaching our kids from the start again.
I know I have to and undue what my ex has taught them.
As much as we love our kids we have to let them make their own mistakes but we should be teaching them from the start how to think.
Not what to think.

After thinking about this I went into the living room where D1 and her boyfriend were sitting and I told her point blank she was rude.
She hurt my mother’s feelings without even taking a moment to think what she was doing.
Two people who took her in for nothing in return and make sure she is always fed at their expense.
She said she was sorry but I told her she was saying it to the wrong person and walked away.

Today my mother said that D1 knocked on their bedroom door around midnight and apologized to her and if it makes her feel better she could beat her.
My mother told her she was to tired, maybe in the morning.

Have a nice day

Walker

How's My Hair? ©

Interesting.
Most of my life I have kept to myself.
Sounds kind of funny for someone who was up front in view of the whole world most of his life but believe it or not, it was the best place3 to hide but sometime you get caught.

I try not to be the center of attention but find myself right in the middle of it because of one thing or another.
In my 50 years of life on this earth I don’t think there are more than 50 pictures of me, 12 of which are mug shots and passport pictures.

So when I walk into the bar one day for a beer I was surprised to notice everyone staring at me.
I ordered a beer and the bartender walked over with it then dropped the newspaper in front of me and said “Nice picture”.

Right there on the second page, half the page to be exact is my mug on display
I was at a computer networking conference and some shutter happy photo took my picture for the paper.

Great, I thought to myself.
For the most part I shy away from the public eye and rather live life from the sidelines but I guess fate puts us in the way sometimes.

I remember one of my friends running into the park one day with the newspaper and showed us his name in print.
He thought it was cool.
“Such and such was arrested last night while breaking into the bowling lanes.
They surrendered themselves to startled police officers that stumbled upon an open door.
Once inside two men staggered out from behind the bowling shoe rack suffering from what appeared to be toxic inhalation”.

Yeah, well I can think of a few other things I would rather have my name attached to in the newspaper.
A few weeks later I walk into the bar and the bartender tosses the paper down in front of me and say, “You’re making a habit out of this”.

WTF, I look at the paper and about four pages in there I am again walking down the street.
I’m thinking I have a stalker with a camera.

Let me try an explain to you how private I keep my life.
I was at a funeral and my aunt, a woman who had seen me almost daily for the first 25 years of my life until she divorced my uncle bumped into each other.
I said hi and she returned the greeting.
Then she apologized and asked me who I was and when I told her she freaked out.
There are members of my immediate family who haven’t seen me in decades because I live in a world outside of theirs.
I live in my universe.
This way I can control what is in my universe even if it doesn’t belong to me, like rules.
Everyone has to live by the same rules but it doesn’t mean you can’t work around them.

So as you can see I keep to myself and out of sight.
Thursday my mother calls and she says she and my father want me to take them for their H1N1 shot.
I told them fine, just tell me where.
She said she was hoping I knew.

I look up and find that they are giving them not to far from my place at a local community center so I pack up the over the hill gang and head off to get stabbed in the arm.
We get to the community center and go in.
They tagged us with bracelets each and told us to be back at 2pm when it will be our turn so we went home.
Because I hadn’t gotten a seasonal flu shot they said they would give me one of those too.
Great, I love needles, NOT.

When 2pm rolled around we were sitting in the auditorium waiting for out numbers to be called out.
That’s when this blond chick walks in holding a huge microphone that looked like a black version of one of those Hitachi massagers.



She was followed by a guy with a large camera on his shoulder.
I could hear my father groaning next to me already as soon as he saw her.
There had to be 150 people in the room so the chances of her coming our way where we were was slim and I told him that.
We continued to quietly set there waiting for our numbers to be called when I looked up and across the room and our eyes met over the people.
Three minutes later there was a black massager in my face and tank turret pointed at my head.
My father whispering to me in Greek, “Why did you look at her”?
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

She said she was with a news channel and wanted to ask me a few questions.
This wasn’t the first time I ended up on the news.
There was that time I was tackled in the 80s for something I said to the president of some banana republic that barely escape assassination.
I think it was something like, “To bad they missed”.
I guess he was still a little sensitive on the subject.

She asked me why I was there and I told her it was so my parents could get their H1N1 shot.
Then they panned my parents with the camera and they both looked like deer caught in the headlights of a car.
They turned back to me and asked if I was getting mine and I said I was along with the seasonal shot.
She interviewed me for a few minutes then they called our numbers and we were gone.
On the way upstairs for our shots my father gave me crap, “Why did you tell them you knew us, now everyone will see us on TV”?
That’s gratitude for you.
I get them a few minutes of fame and they shit all over me.

Inia thought it was great and now thinks she’s fucking a celebrity.
At least I didn’t get Tiger Woods headlines HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!

Have a nice weekend

Walker

I Know I Know ©

I know Peter I know.
I wanted to put up another post but it’s been so fucken crazy around here I don’t have enough time to do much of any personal stuff I like to do, like blogging.
Like today, today was my father’s appointment with the eye doctor.
Usually it’s my mother going to the doctors but on those rare occasions it’s my father.
Since he’s not used to MY habits as my mother is, the day started off on the wrong foot.

I am not a morning person, that’s why I sleep all the way through to lunch.
I mean if I wake up in the morning with a pretty set of lips wrapped around the head of my morning hard on I wouldn’t complain or anything like that but waking me up for anything other than that then ho, ho, ho.
Ok, maybe if the house is on fire too but that’s it.

Usually I book all the doctor appointments for afternoons so I could be totally awake and my pleasant self but for some reason SOMEONE else booked this one and it was at 8 fucken 30 in the flippin AM.

8:10am the phone rings.
It’s my father, “Are you ready”.
“Am I ready”, I was born ready but I don’t think a hardon was what was needed today.

8:10am…..I’m thinking while still half asleep.
8:10……..8:30am was the appointment
It was five miles away in morning traffic and me in the bag with my pecker in my hand and he calls me at 8:10am.
My mother would have called at 7am….7:01..7:02….

Fumbling out of bed and into my clothes I made my way to the washroom and begged the bladder to release the floodgates but he was still sleeping I guess because I couldn’t squeeze a drop out of it.
8:15am, I brushed my teeth then went downstairs to a shocked D2.
One because I was up this early and two, I caught her ditching school.

Outside I went through the back door and my father who was standing by the passenger side indicating I was driving.
Great.
Did I ever mention my lane way backs out into one of the busiest streets in the city and I am going to do this at 8:20am.
I know I mention the 5 miles and 8:30am though

After forcing a mini van to stop and let me in I was flying down the street.
I zigzagged between traffic and whizzed by the police station.
Over the bridge, cut off a truck and around the corner past the convent.
8:25am, four miles left.
It’ll be close.

Speeding is an art when done properly with less risk of getting a ticket.
Speed limit is 60; I go 69, my favorite number.
One more mile and your screwed but you could use the lights to your advantage but judging when they will be green or red and adjust from a distance.

8:27am I ripped through the yellow light at 80 before letting the car ease back to my favorite number.
Three miles left and the road is a straight line to the hospital where the appointment was.

8:28am two miles and closing.
I’m judging the distance, the color of light and oncoming traffic, like threading a needle.
I needed a coffee
One mile away and the light is red, 8:29am.
My father is silent next to me but he is getting uneasy.
The car is not showing signs of slowing down but keeping its present speed.
His feet planted themselves to the floor as the car raced at the red lights.
Wrapping his hand to the top of the seatbelt he held on as the car rolled over the white line at the same times as the light turned flashing green.

Burying around the first corner then coasting around the next brought the speed down to 40.
My father slipped back into his seat.
830am but where is the place we were going too?
I drove up the massive complex that is the hospital now.
Last time I was here there was one building and now there are like seventeen and they are being built so fast the haven’t put up the fucken signs yet. So I am wandering around looking for it.
8:35am.
I decide to pull in front of a building and call my mother from the cell for the doctor’s number so I could call him and find out where the hell he was.
I get the number and call.
She asked where I was and told her the name of the building and she said that’s it come up to the third floor.
How come I don’t get that lucky will lottery tickets?

I race my father up to the doctor’s office and race down to avoid a ticket because4 they don’t have parking in front any more.
Used it to make more buildings.
Not wanting to stay there waiting for him I decided to head off to Starbucks.
Yeah, yeah I hear the gasps from those who know I don’t drink coffee but I NEEDED one.
I bought an apple fritter too.
I didn’t need that but let’s pretend I did.
I headed back to the building around 9:20am and parked there with the car running for about ten minutes.
It was getting really hot in the car so I opened the window.
Ten minutes later it was fucken cold, so cold it started snowing.
SNOW, fuck.
Anyway I pressed the button and the window wouldn’t come up.
It fell off of its rubber track and was pressed up against the outside of the door, great.
I go to the trunk to see if I could find a screwdriver but his toolbox wasn’t there but I did find a ten inch butcher knife her uses to dig up the weeds he eats.

So now I am standing outside the hospital with a ten-inch butcher knife trying to hack away the rubber while people are walking past me staring.
It took me twenty minutes to cut away enough of the rubber to get the window up but one thing for sure it isn’t going back down.
Good thing the new car arrives on the 28th.

The old man came down around 10 am with news of needing surgery for cataracts.
I knew it was coming so it was no surprise.
The drive back was a lot less stressful.
Until I got home that is and it all went bonkers again.

I pulled into the lane way out the car, up the stairs and through my back door into the kitchen, through the kitchen and out the front door to the waiting car that whisked me off to the airport.

My quest to enter the States continues and today I went down to customs to submit more papers, a fat cheque and to get finger printed.
This whole process has been interesting from many points of view.

When I first started I looked up a few places that do this but everyone wanted hundreds if not thousands of dollars to do it for you and maybe is I had thousands to waste I would but I don’t and wasn’t going too.
I mean I did get an education so how hard could it be?

Ok, it wasn’t easy.

First I needed new forms because I mangled the one’s I got when I was politely catapulted back to the land of the beaver and the horny moose.
So I went to the site to download some new forms.
Now I have been having a few problems with my printer.
I have an old laser printer that needs a parallel port but my computer doesn’t have one.
It’s all USB now so I have to plug in the printer into an old laptop then turn it on then access it through the network I run here.

Sounds easy enough but the laptop has issues as does the printer.
The printer swallows all the sheets of paper at once so I have to feed it by hand and the laptop stall on me then decided to print out 20 sheet of garbage.
I tried to delete the print job but the printer has its own memory chip and I ended up hand feeding the little fucker until it was done.

After printing out the forms I sat down to start filling them out.
It took me the better part of eight hours to fill them out.
I had to give an account of everything I had been charged with and why it occurred and what was the result.

How hard could it be?
Well it was.
I mean admitting your guilt is fuck all.
Trying to remember it, now that was a job.

September 1987, Pink Floyd on stage for three hours and fifteen grams of primo afghan hash in my pipe.
I don’t even remember the girls in the freakin van and I am supposed to remember getting busted for possession of what was left of the hash?

Yeah that time they kicked in my door because the neighbor was pissed off at me for screwing his girlfriend so he told them I had a large supply of it.
2 Grams of hash lost and $500 fine.
Was she worth it, hmmmmm?
His new girlfriend was better.

After all that I put it all together and waited to head off to the airport today and drop it off.
Drop it off, that’s a joke.

My paper said they were open at 10 am until 2 pm so we headed off for the airport and when I got there I went to the desk and asked where I could find the U.S. Customs office.
I was told to go across the hallway to a phone on the wall next to a fire hydrant, pick it up then wait.

I walk to the wall and look at the phone.
I pick it up and wait constantly staring at the floor.
Maybe it was a Get Smart phone booth and the floor would open up and poof, gone.

A guy came on the line and asked what he could do for me.
I told him why I was there and he told me the new hours were 12:30 pm to 3 pm.
HA, HA, HA!!!!!
I wasn’t surprised.
It was too easy to be true so I told him I would be back.
That was trip number one to the airport.

I went outside to my driver and we took off for Pizza, Pizza and some lunch while we waited.
He went and ordered while I sat reading the paper and then she came with our food twenty minutes later.
We ate and took off for the airport again.
I got back at 12:35pm and went to the phone and picked it up again.
This time I was told to proceed behind the screen and I would be directed to a room where I was to sit and wait for someone to show up.
Following his instructions I found myself in a room alone with chairs and a black dome on the ceiling staring down on me.

About fifteen minutes later another guy came in and we sat there talking.
He told me he paid a lawyer to fill in his paper work.
I told him I beat up my printer to do mine for free.
He said the lawyer didn’t really do it he just told him what to write then looked it over.
I told him spell check looked mine over.

Just then a female customs officer came in and she asked for our papers.
The first thing she said was we needed passport pictures because they didn’t have a camera for taking pictures so she couldn’t take our forms.
Now this is more of what I am used too.

I told her I would be back and walked out the door and called my driver but his phone wasn’t working.
I stepped out and saw him waiting in the car.
I got in and asked why he didn’t pick up the phone and he said it never rang then checked to see if it was one but he phone wasn’t on him.
He had it at Pizza, Pizza so we decided to go there first.
I kept calling the phone then it stopped ringing, someone had turned the phone off for a reason and I don’t think it was to save the battery.
If a person plans on giving back a phone he leaves it on then answers it so the looser of said phone can call to see if someone found it so they can come and get it back.

We got there and before he got out I told him to say he left it on the counter when he ordered not to ask if someone found a phone.
The first way you are telling them you know its there.
Sure enough the girl went to the back and came with the phone.
It was still off.
After that little episode we went and I got passport pictures taken.

Armed with everything now I went back to the airport and to the phone on the wall.
When I got to the room the other guy was there and the customs officer was surprised to see me back so soon.
Yeah I wanted 4 months for this day.
She took the other guy and they left.
As I sat there the door opened and an Asian woman walked in.
After a bit we started talking and she told me she was sent here because she forgot to leave her work visa behind so we sat there chatting for a half hour or so.
Seems she was living ad working in California for some company but was laid off and was now coming back home.

She said she was originally from Hong Kong China until it changed over and she moved here with the rest of her family.
In those thirty minutes I knew most of her life.
She asked me why I was there and I told he that I was a bad boy once and had to sit in Time Out before they let me in.
She asked how bad a boy I was and I told her, really BAD.
She quickly sat down next to me and started rubbing my leg asking me to show her how BAD I was, but someone came in as I was looking for some indication of a boob and I stopped daydreaming.
He took her paper then she wished me luck before leaving.
I was left alone in the room with HAL staring down on me from the ceiling again.

I must have been in there for forty-five minutes before the customs guard came in to get me.
First thing she did was give me a visitors badge then she took me to be searched for weapons.
Then I was brought into the back where she looked over my paperwork and said it all looked in order then proceeded to fingerprint me.
This is where it got all sticky.
I kept cracking jokes and she kept fucking up the prints.
She actually had to take them 9 times before she had three good sets.
As we went through my papers she said I was a patient calm person.
I told her it’s not like I had a choice.
Freaking out and harassing people won’t get what I want any faster.
If anything it may slow down the process.
She asked what my secret was to being so calm.
I told her.
A joint in the morning and two after the kids have gone to bed then screw the girlfriend for three hours to relieve the tension.
Works every time.

Then we got into the football trash talk and she said if she knew I was a Broncos fan I would still be in the room.
HA!!!!!!!!
She’s a Bills fan and they’re still in the change room most games I said HA HA HA!!!!
As I was being escorted out she asked me where a Pizza Pizza was around there was and I told her where to go but to keep an eye on her cell phone.

I exited the airport and my driver brought me back home to insanity once more.
D2 was on the phone with her boyfriend and D1 was laying on the couch with hers but as I passed D1 said she saw her mother today and asked her to ask me if she could sleep in my middle room for three days.
HA I know that’s not a daydream.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was my day today.

I hope you have a nice day

Walker