blue moon (2)

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I Know I Know ©

I know Peter I know.
I wanted to put up another post but it’s been so fucken crazy around here I don’t have enough time to do much of any personal stuff I like to do, like blogging.
Like today, today was my father’s appointment with the eye doctor.
Usually it’s my mother going to the doctors but on those rare occasions it’s my father.
Since he’s not used to MY habits as my mother is, the day started off on the wrong foot.

I am not a morning person, that’s why I sleep all the way through to lunch.
I mean if I wake up in the morning with a pretty set of lips wrapped around the head of my morning hard on I wouldn’t complain or anything like that but waking me up for anything other than that then ho, ho, ho.
Ok, maybe if the house is on fire too but that’s it.

Usually I book all the doctor appointments for afternoons so I could be totally awake and my pleasant self but for some reason SOMEONE else booked this one and it was at 8 fucken 30 in the flippin AM.

8:10am the phone rings.
It’s my father, “Are you ready”.
“Am I ready”, I was born ready but I don’t think a hardon was what was needed today.

8:10am…..I’m thinking while still half asleep.
8:10……..8:30am was the appointment
It was five miles away in morning traffic and me in the bag with my pecker in my hand and he calls me at 8:10am.
My mother would have called at 7am….7:01..7:02….

Fumbling out of bed and into my clothes I made my way to the washroom and begged the bladder to release the floodgates but he was still sleeping I guess because I couldn’t squeeze a drop out of it.
8:15am, I brushed my teeth then went downstairs to a shocked D2.
One because I was up this early and two, I caught her ditching school.

Outside I went through the back door and my father who was standing by the passenger side indicating I was driving.
Did I ever mention my lane way backs out into one of the busiest streets in the city and I am going to do this at 8:20am.
I know I mention the 5 miles and 8:30am though

After forcing a mini van to stop and let me in I was flying down the street.
I zigzagged between traffic and whizzed by the police station.
Over the bridge, cut off a truck and around the corner past the convent.
8:25am, four miles left.
It’ll be close.

Speeding is an art when done properly with less risk of getting a ticket.
Speed limit is 60; I go 69, my favorite number.
One more mile and your screwed but you could use the lights to your advantage but judging when they will be green or red and adjust from a distance.

8:27am I ripped through the yellow light at 80 before letting the car ease back to my favorite number.
Three miles left and the road is a straight line to the hospital where the appointment was.

8:28am two miles and closing.
I’m judging the distance, the color of light and oncoming traffic, like threading a needle.
I needed a coffee
One mile away and the light is red, 8:29am.
My father is silent next to me but he is getting uneasy.
The car is not showing signs of slowing down but keeping its present speed.
His feet planted themselves to the floor as the car raced at the red lights.
Wrapping his hand to the top of the seatbelt he held on as the car rolled over the white line at the same times as the light turned flashing green.

Burying around the first corner then coasting around the next brought the speed down to 40.
My father slipped back into his seat.
830am but where is the place we were going too?
I drove up the massive complex that is the hospital now.
Last time I was here there was one building and now there are like seventeen and they are being built so fast the haven’t put up the fucken signs yet. So I am wandering around looking for it.
I decide to pull in front of a building and call my mother from the cell for the doctor’s number so I could call him and find out where the hell he was.
I get the number and call.
She asked where I was and told her the name of the building and she said that’s it come up to the third floor.
How come I don’t get that lucky will lottery tickets?

I race my father up to the doctor’s office and race down to avoid a ticket because4 they don’t have parking in front any more.
Used it to make more buildings.
Not wanting to stay there waiting for him I decided to head off to Starbucks.
Yeah, yeah I hear the gasps from those who know I don’t drink coffee but I NEEDED one.
I bought an apple fritter too.
I didn’t need that but let’s pretend I did.
I headed back to the building around 9:20am and parked there with the car running for about ten minutes.
It was getting really hot in the car so I opened the window.
Ten minutes later it was fucken cold, so cold it started snowing.
SNOW, fuck.
Anyway I pressed the button and the window wouldn’t come up.
It fell off of its rubber track and was pressed up against the outside of the door, great.
I go to the trunk to see if I could find a screwdriver but his toolbox wasn’t there but I did find a ten inch butcher knife her uses to dig up the weeds he eats.

So now I am standing outside the hospital with a ten-inch butcher knife trying to hack away the rubber while people are walking past me staring.
It took me twenty minutes to cut away enough of the rubber to get the window up but one thing for sure it isn’t going back down.
Good thing the new car arrives on the 28th.

The old man came down around 10 am with news of needing surgery for cataracts.
I knew it was coming so it was no surprise.
The drive back was a lot less stressful.
Until I got home that is and it all went bonkers again.

I pulled into the lane way out the car, up the stairs and through my back door into the kitchen, through the kitchen and out the front door to the waiting car that whisked me off to the airport.

My quest to enter the States continues and today I went down to customs to submit more papers, a fat cheque and to get finger printed.
This whole process has been interesting from many points of view.

When I first started I looked up a few places that do this but everyone wanted hundreds if not thousands of dollars to do it for you and maybe is I had thousands to waste I would but I don’t and wasn’t going too.
I mean I did get an education so how hard could it be?

Ok, it wasn’t easy.

First I needed new forms because I mangled the one’s I got when I was politely catapulted back to the land of the beaver and the horny moose.
So I went to the site to download some new forms.
Now I have been having a few problems with my printer.
I have an old laser printer that needs a parallel port but my computer doesn’t have one.
It’s all USB now so I have to plug in the printer into an old laptop then turn it on then access it through the network I run here.

Sounds easy enough but the laptop has issues as does the printer.
The printer swallows all the sheets of paper at once so I have to feed it by hand and the laptop stall on me then decided to print out 20 sheet of garbage.
I tried to delete the print job but the printer has its own memory chip and I ended up hand feeding the little fucker until it was done.

After printing out the forms I sat down to start filling them out.
It took me the better part of eight hours to fill them out.
I had to give an account of everything I had been charged with and why it occurred and what was the result.

How hard could it be?
Well it was.
I mean admitting your guilt is fuck all.
Trying to remember it, now that was a job.

September 1987, Pink Floyd on stage for three hours and fifteen grams of primo afghan hash in my pipe.
I don’t even remember the girls in the freakin van and I am supposed to remember getting busted for possession of what was left of the hash?

Yeah that time they kicked in my door because the neighbor was pissed off at me for screwing his girlfriend so he told them I had a large supply of it.
2 Grams of hash lost and $500 fine.
Was she worth it, hmmmmm?
His new girlfriend was better.

After all that I put it all together and waited to head off to the airport today and drop it off.
Drop it off, that’s a joke.

My paper said they were open at 10 am until 2 pm so we headed off for the airport and when I got there I went to the desk and asked where I could find the U.S. Customs office.
I was told to go across the hallway to a phone on the wall next to a fire hydrant, pick it up then wait.

I walk to the wall and look at the phone.
I pick it up and wait constantly staring at the floor.
Maybe it was a Get Smart phone booth and the floor would open up and poof, gone.

A guy came on the line and asked what he could do for me.
I told him why I was there and he told me the new hours were 12:30 pm to 3 pm.
HA, HA, HA!!!!!
I wasn’t surprised.
It was too easy to be true so I told him I would be back.
That was trip number one to the airport.

I went outside to my driver and we took off for Pizza, Pizza and some lunch while we waited.
He went and ordered while I sat reading the paper and then she came with our food twenty minutes later.
We ate and took off for the airport again.
I got back at 12:35pm and went to the phone and picked it up again.
This time I was told to proceed behind the screen and I would be directed to a room where I was to sit and wait for someone to show up.
Following his instructions I found myself in a room alone with chairs and a black dome on the ceiling staring down on me.

About fifteen minutes later another guy came in and we sat there talking.
He told me he paid a lawyer to fill in his paper work.
I told him I beat up my printer to do mine for free.
He said the lawyer didn’t really do it he just told him what to write then looked it over.
I told him spell check looked mine over.

Just then a female customs officer came in and she asked for our papers.
The first thing she said was we needed passport pictures because they didn’t have a camera for taking pictures so she couldn’t take our forms.
Now this is more of what I am used too.

I told her I would be back and walked out the door and called my driver but his phone wasn’t working.
I stepped out and saw him waiting in the car.
I got in and asked why he didn’t pick up the phone and he said it never rang then checked to see if it was one but he phone wasn’t on him.
He had it at Pizza, Pizza so we decided to go there first.
I kept calling the phone then it stopped ringing, someone had turned the phone off for a reason and I don’t think it was to save the battery.
If a person plans on giving back a phone he leaves it on then answers it so the looser of said phone can call to see if someone found it so they can come and get it back.

We got there and before he got out I told him to say he left it on the counter when he ordered not to ask if someone found a phone.
The first way you are telling them you know its there.
Sure enough the girl went to the back and came with the phone.
It was still off.
After that little episode we went and I got passport pictures taken.

Armed with everything now I went back to the airport and to the phone on the wall.
When I got to the room the other guy was there and the customs officer was surprised to see me back so soon.
Yeah I wanted 4 months for this day.
She took the other guy and they left.
As I sat there the door opened and an Asian woman walked in.
After a bit we started talking and she told me she was sent here because she forgot to leave her work visa behind so we sat there chatting for a half hour or so.
Seems she was living ad working in California for some company but was laid off and was now coming back home.

She said she was originally from Hong Kong China until it changed over and she moved here with the rest of her family.
In those thirty minutes I knew most of her life.
She asked me why I was there and I told he that I was a bad boy once and had to sit in Time Out before they let me in.
She asked how bad a boy I was and I told her, really BAD.
She quickly sat down next to me and started rubbing my leg asking me to show her how BAD I was, but someone came in as I was looking for some indication of a boob and I stopped daydreaming.
He took her paper then she wished me luck before leaving.
I was left alone in the room with HAL staring down on me from the ceiling again.

I must have been in there for forty-five minutes before the customs guard came in to get me.
First thing she did was give me a visitors badge then she took me to be searched for weapons.
Then I was brought into the back where she looked over my paperwork and said it all looked in order then proceeded to fingerprint me.
This is where it got all sticky.
I kept cracking jokes and she kept fucking up the prints.
She actually had to take them 9 times before she had three good sets.
As we went through my papers she said I was a patient calm person.
I told her it’s not like I had a choice.
Freaking out and harassing people won’t get what I want any faster.
If anything it may slow down the process.
She asked what my secret was to being so calm.
I told her.
A joint in the morning and two after the kids have gone to bed then screw the girlfriend for three hours to relieve the tension.
Works every time.

Then we got into the football trash talk and she said if she knew I was a Broncos fan I would still be in the room.
She’s a Bills fan and they’re still in the change room most games I said HA HA HA!!!!
As I was being escorted out she asked me where a Pizza Pizza was around there was and I told her where to go but to keep an eye on her cell phone.

I exited the airport and my driver brought me back home to insanity once more.
D2 was on the phone with her boyfriend and D1 was laying on the couch with hers but as I passed D1 said she saw her mother today and asked her to ask me if she could sleep in my middle room for three days.
HA I know that’s not a daydream.

That was my day today.

I hope you have a nice day



skye said...

Ummmmm...that's all well and good, but I'm confused. Why did you go with your father in the first place? I thought it was to do your normal translation at the dr's office, but you didn't even go up with him. And then you made it sound like you were surprised that he sat in the passenger seat and made you drive, so he must still be able to drive himself. So, what gives?

p.s., Hi :)

p.p.s., I had to stop reading after you got home from the doctor's office, because I have to get to sleep sometime today, don't I?

Monogram Queen said...

Boy it took me FOREVER before it would let me comment...... I think i've forgotten what I was going to say so i'll wing it!
First off - good to hear from you. You are just as entertaining as always and your parents still crack me up! I have elderly parents too and I know it's not REALLY funny when you are living it though!
What/where are you coming to the states for or am I being too nosey? I don't remember reading anything about that. Oh wait - I just started back blogging so I woulnd't exactly be 'in the know'!

Teresa said...

Yes, do tell on the whole US thing. The Broncos play the Colts in a couple of weeks. Some Amry buddies of mine are coming in and they are Broncos fans--should be fun.
Hope you are doing well and that the surgery for your dad goes well.

Walker said...

skye: THUD.........

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: give me a second here. I'm still recovering from my feinting spell.
I tried to come in a few months ago with Inia but was refused because I was a bad boy way back before computers came along and ruined it all.
So now i have to apply for a waiver to get in.
Inia offered to flash her boobs but the border guard was gay and I don't give freebies so it's the hard way for me.
What I'm used to I guess.

Walker said...

Teresa: I am sure it will be a interesting game but I am a football fan first and as a fan I say Indy 34 Broncos 10. ;)

As for the US thing, I am trying to get into the US without having to become a Mexican first.

Walker said...

skye: OK I am back, long time no see stranger and Hi to you.
There was no parking for the car and i can't afford the $200 ticket and he was going to see a Greek doctor the same one he always does.
He also take bribes in the form of virgin olive oil.
Unlike me who rather the virgin and massage oil instead.
He still drive for the moment but needs to go to do a drivers test and i was taking him to the eye doctor so after the drops he cant see shit.

Nice you see and hear from you again

BlazngScarlet said...

Ahhhh .... your parents, the kids, Government "issues" and your ex.
Yep, it's still the Walker we know & love.
But coffee?

LOVE your idea of stress relief by the way! ;D

Tom Bailey said...

Drugs can lead to issues even years later from what I have seen in some people. You tell great stories about what you are up to. They are fun to read... but most of them I would not like to be living myself.

I wonder when reading this if it gets the negative stuff out of you and does it leave you feeling any better?

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sooo, after all that, did you get your visa to the States???? Or, like all bureaucracy, do you have to wait six months, go before a panel, get everyone to sign everything in triplicate and wait three months before you know. By that time, the permit has run out and you have to go through the whole process again...know what I mean?

Peter said...

Now thats better Walker we are all totally confused but highly amused so your work here is done.

Walker said...

BlazngScarlet: I know, I hate coffee but i don't smoke drugs and drive so coffee it had to be.
Yes its my favorite way to releave stress.
You should try it one day

Walker said...

Tom Bailey: I have no negatives stuff in me.
I have opinions but I hold no ill will for the past, just lessons in living is what remains.

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: No I didn't.
They took my $545 US and said they will get back to me over the next year and i hope it starts when they send it to me and NOT when they received the papers

Walker said...

Peter: Life is always confusing.
How do you think we all ended up broke LOL

BlazngScarlet said...

I think maybe I shall.

Oh Jaaack ....

Walker said...

BlazngScarlet : Jack's screw......oh....I guess that was the idea.

Boxer said...

3 hours?


Walker said...

Boxer: I know, I'm getting old.
But I am eating more oysters ;)

BikerCandy said...

You definitely have the patience of Jobe Walker. Any lesser man would have given up when they were told the hours were changed. Good on ya!

You better say HELL FUCKING NO! to the ex...just sayin'.

Walker said...

BikerCandy : OH, give u[ is not in my nature.
Patience I have but I do have a threshold where i say fuck you and dig my heels for war.
My EX can call her last BF to stay with him if that's what she needs

gab said...

good god my day is sooooooo boring compared to yours. The only intersting thing that ever happens here is our grandson will say or do something so funny that we crack up laughing only to have him ask whats so funny?

Walker said...

gab : OH I want to do what you do and laugh.
It's alot more fun and funny