In The Bag ©

I don’t know if I should laugh or be mad?
Should I be embarrassed or insulted?
They say it was just a coincidence but then again, was it or was it a joke gone bad.
Maybe they started hiring clowns from bankrupt circuses in the government.

Imagine, you’re in a remote part of the country living on or about an Indian reserve and you send in a request for supplies to battle H1N1, formally known as Swine Flu.
Supplies such as, hand sanitizing wipes, masks maybe a little vaccine to help a community that has had a bad flu season already and when your shipment arrives.
There are no masks or hand wipes.
Not even toilet paper.
The only thing they sent was body bags.

HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!

Come on you have to laugh a little.
Just imagine the look on the faces of the native Indians over there when they opened up the boxes to take out their needed supplies.

I want to know who the fuck is in charge over at the health department.
Spokesmen from the government said it was just part of a shipment to replenish what they already needed.
Coincidence or not you would think someone would think a little.
You get a request for supplies to help battle decease but while you are putting together said supplies you send 100 body bags.
What are you saying to them?

The way I translate it is, “Ummmm this may take a little while so these may come in handy while you wait”.
Probably only 101 people there and since there won’t be anyone left to put the last guy in one they only need 100 body bags and save on the cost of the last body bag.

Amazing, just fucken amazing.
You would think that there would be at least one person in the government who can think.
The cleaning lady maybe?

Body bags……..
It’s like sending them matches to put out a forest fire for fucks sake.
Good thing they didn’t order birth control devices.
They may have received a crate of garden shears.

Two people have asked me to post about the mugging and kidnapping in Brazil and Venezuela so I am working on that in between vacuuming, dusting and taking care of the kids, the cat, one snake, 67 plants, 52 fish and the other circus clowns that knock on my door, while waiting for Inia to show up in a little over a week.
OH, the phone.
“Hello, yeah…..WHAT”!!!!!!!!!
“They broke in after I left”?
“Are you still naked”?
“I’ll be right over”.

Got to go, a friend needs hand

Have a nice weekend

Walker

In My Face ©

It must be Friday, no, it’s Wednesday, well technically Thursday.
Isn’t it a rule that weird shit only happens on Fridays?
I thought it was, hmmm, well it should be but by the time I put up this post it will probably be Friday.
What can I say, I’m busy.
I mean people just don’t leave me the fuck alone.
Arch and I got into a nice one the other day.
I was making dinner for the kids and he called me up nice and pleasant like then said he wanted me to go over and fix his TV.
I told him I was busy making dinner for the kids.
That’s when he erupted in a flurry of BS, temper tantrum and all.
I told him to grow up then to fuck off then hung up.
My hands are full with a teenager; and I don’t have the time for a sixty-year-old infant

I sat down the other day I noticed that my health card expired.
Actually they sent me a notice telling me it was going to expire in March last November but I never got around to it.
I’ve been busy what can I say.
I know I’m repeating myself but fuck it’s bloody true and I’m not fucken used to this.
So off to the ministry of health I go the next day.

It was a nice brisk two-mile walk.
I love walking.
I get to see what is happening around and do some people watching, mostly the women of course.
I’m not one of those people who stares like a drooling fool waiting to stumble over his tongue as soon as a woman walks by.
I just take in the sights and enjoy the scenery and let nature walk by for me to enjoy.
Sometime a fruit drops in my lap.
Most times she’s a fruitcake but what’s life without a few nuts mixed up in the bowl.

It was a nice sunny day, which made it nice to walk; I get to the building and charge through the revolving doors.
The doors on these old buildings weigh a ton and you have to be a body builder to get through them sometimes.
There was this little old lady trapped in one once.
Yeah, she walked in while it was still spinning after someone had passed threw and it stopped half way and she was trapped like a ball on a roulette wheel.
I hit the door with what I thought was adequate force but found resistance.
This is a really old building.
So I throw all my weight behind it and the doors started swinging out and I popped into the building.
I looked over my shoulder to the door and past it.
There is this guy laying out on the sidewalk with a squeegee in one hand and a spray bottle on the other.
I quickly ran out and helped him up.
I apologized, picked up his bottle for him
Fuck, I said it was sunny, I couldn’t see him through the glass doors.
It’s his fault for cleaning them so good.

I found the office on the first floor and at the reception desk they gave me a number then shown to a room with 100 other people.
WTF, I was going to be here all day.
I look down at my number C64.
Looking around the room I see this LED screen and it says C63.
Fuck, I lucked out.
Feeling relieved that I wasn’t going to be spending the afternoon in this room watching that guy dresses like a clown version of Iggy Pop chasing a toddler across the floor.
Just then I hear a loud BEEP and I look up at the screen, it’s flashing A122
What?!
What about C64
Wtf is going on?

I sit there for a bit reading my paper until I hear another BEEP.
I look up and it says B112
I’m fucked.
So I’m sitting there reading my paper when the guy next to my must had enough so he got up and left the room leaving his ticket on his chair.
I look over to it and its A123
I had C64 so I pick it up and figure either way I am one away one both.
It was about another twenty minutes before the BEEP went off again and it was A123.
“HA, sucker”.
I get up and leave my old ticket on the chair then head off to the counter.
I hand the lady the ticket and my papers.
She looks at them and says she only does new registrations and I have to see someone else for renewals but she could help me with that then punched out something and a ticket came out and she passed it to me, C67.
Screw that noise I thought then turned around to go back to my seat and my old ticket but there was someone else now sitting in my old seat and my ticket under his butt.
Fuck
Thirty minutes later and I am finally at counter getting my new card renewed.

After getting my heath card renewed I was off to city hall and the courthouse to get a printout of how many fines I still had outstanding to pay.
I knew what the ballpark figure would be but I wanted to know so I could make arraignments to pay them.
I knew at one time it was well over $18,000 but I swapped 18 days in jail, which by the way was heaven compared to living with my EX, for $12,000 and paid another chunk of that so I figured between $1800-$2000.

I find a secluded bench off the path and have a seat then spark up the other half of the joint I started before I left the house.
As I sat there this small sports car pulled along the curb and up onto the sidewalk.
The passenger door open and this skinny chick stepped out and the driver, a guy who was even skinnier then the anorexic chick walked around to the front.
He was about 20 and she maybe 18 if that.
He looked down at the wheel, just brushed if off then headed into the City Hall building.
I just finished the rest of my joint and followed their tracks into the building and walked into the court clerk’s office where I found the two stick people talking with the clerk.

So I walked to the row of chairs screwed to the floor and sat down to listen to the most stupid conversation I have ever heard in a long time.
If this is how smart today’s young are, we’re fucked.
The world is HISTORY.
Done I tell you.

If it weren’t for the fact that I spent that half hour looking at the chick’s ass I would have thrown them out personally.
My seat was only three feet from then and I was leaning forward.
She conveniently bent over with her elbows on the low counter
Every time her boyfriend’s questions put me to sleep her shifting butt woke me up.
How can anyone blame me, she wore skintight black pants, violet underwear with frills around the fringes.
Sandals on her feet, white blouse and a bra that wasn’t really necessary, not much to hold up.

The boyfriend asks why they suspended his license.
The clerk told him because he didn’t pay a ticket.
The moron says, “What ticket”?
The clerk said one he got at the college.
Moron says, “I have to pay those”?
No stupid, you only pay parking tickets if you fucken feel like it.

After more of the same with the clerk he decides to pay the $200 ticket.
When the clerk verified the ticket was paid and gave him the receipt he told him it would take a week before his license was reinstated.
The guy freaked and said why so long and the clerk told him that’s how long it took and if he got caught driving with a suspended license he would get a $6000 fine for the first offense and up to $12,000 for each subsequent offense.
I thought the guy was going to faint.

The guy had his car parked outside on the lawn.
Then, I don’t know if this moron has any brains, then he is telling the clerk that he had some trouble with his insurance company and stopped paying them and was looking for another insurance company.
Basically he just told the clerk he didn’t have insurance.
That’s a $12,000 fine.
The kids selling his soul to the devil before he even gets out of the starting blocks.

In between his conversation with the clerk he is speaking to little miss tighty ass in Lebanese and then back to the clerk.
After a little while they both up and left the clerks office.
He called me over and asked what he could do for him
I stepped up my eyes still on then as they stepped out of the door then looked to the clerk and said the kid probably drove there.
The clerk said he did because he was telling his girl friend he hoped he didn’t get caught driving away.
The clerk was half Lebanese.
We had a nice laugh with that.
You never know who the person you are talking to is or what they understand and should always guard what you say.

So I gave the clerk my name and told him I wanted a printout of all my tickets.
The printer started churning and churning sheet after sheet and then it stopped.
I thought good thing to because there were a lot of tickets coming out.
The clerk excused himself then walked over then added more paper to the printer and it started spitting out more sheets.
FUCK!!!!!!
After about ten minutes he came over with a sheaf of papers and said here you go.
Here I go?
Get the fuck out of here.
I look over the tickets and at the bottom of the page it said $4500….
UH, uh I don’t think so.
I pointed out to the one’s that dated to 1993 and said they couldn’t possibly be mine because I didn’t have a car back then.

He looks closely and asked me if I was born in 1974.
Ummmm no but If I pay those tickets will I be 36 again?
He laughed and said no.
So he went through all the tickets and removed all my cousin’s tickets.
Fuck that, he had a $80,000 wedding so he can pay his tickets if he has that kind of coin and maybe he should pay mine to for that matter.

When he was done he told me I should go to the next building to see if there were any there in my name.
I thanked him and left to go to the main courthouse.
When I got to the reception desk there was a lady sitting with her back to the window.
I said excuse me and the woman turned around and wow, she had a huge rack on her so big when she turned they jammed against the counter and she took off rolling back across the marble floor to the other side of the room.
I was thinking I just fond the breadbasket of the world and its attached to this woman’s chest.
Fuck.
One of my EXs was a JJJ and this woman’s boobs blew those away
I told her what I was there for, carefully picking and choosing my words as to not blurt out something like, “I came to check out your tits instead of I came to see if I have any fines”.

As luck would have it I didn’t have any fines which great news.
Bad news is I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to stay longer to stare.
Can’t have everything I guess.
I left the courthouse and started walking home and as I turned around the corner leading towards home I saw a cruiser with a car pulled over and I swear, it looked a lot like that kid’s from the courthouse.

That’s it for me today and next week, I’ll tell you about the mugging in Brazil and the attempted kidnapping in Venezuela the week before, like I didn’t have enough trouble to deal with but, until then have a nice weekend.

Walker

Toilet Trash ©

You know, as we get older and the body starts slowing down you tend to think a little more than you are used too.
Before when we were young and full of zip we rushed around all over the place doing so much stuff I get tired thinking about it now.
Now even though I do a lot of daily work, mine and everybody else’s I find a little time, usually while sitting on the toilet, I reflect on certain aspects of life and have come to the conclusion that TIME is the enemy.
I don’t mean Time itself but the measuring of time.

Everything we do, time plays a factor in.
From the second you open you eyes, actually even from before if you set the alarm clock, the measuring of time controls your life.
You plan your day around the clock.
Those two arms are the little legs traipsing around in your mind telling you where you have to be or what you have to do next.
The digits counting down reminding you that time is running out so get ready to run to the next part of your life.

We measure time with seconds, minutes, hours, days weeks months, years, decades, centuries, millennia……
We have become so obsessed with measuring time we have forgotten how to live.

You know, once upon a time, time didn’t matter.
People used to just live life as they wished.
Did things when they wanted to and there was no rush to be anywhere.
Unless of course there was some hungry beast out looking for a snack and you’re it.

Over countless millennia we have slowly started selling off our time, to by comforts we didn’t have before but in order to do that we have had to learn to measure time.
Over the ages man learned to do just that and has been perfecting it still.
What they have also been perfecting is selling the blocks of time.

How many of you have agenda’s?
I used to have one, no more.
Fuck that, if it isn’t important to remember then I don’t need to and if it is I can scribble it on the calendar instead of carrying a two-pound lump all day.
The worse part is when you loose it.
Oh yeah, you rely on that fucken tombstone so much you have stopped thinking.
You just write everything down in the fucker and erase it from your mind because you look every day in your agenda to see what’s up the next day.
Then you loose it and you’re fucken lost.
I mean there is shit in that fucker you wrote in six months ago and no matter how hard you try you can’t remember shit because you relied on that damn book so much you didn’t need to remember.
Hell, it reminded you when your birthday was.
I bet without an agenda you wouldn’t forgotten you were supposed to pick up your parents at the airport and took off for a week because you would remembered but loose the agenda and I hope the airport has comfy seats.

Imagine if we didn’t measure time.
No one would have an age
You were either an adult or kid
No deadlines
No rush to be someplace at a certain time
It was either day or night
There would be no seasons just another cycle around the sun
Instinctively we would know what we needed to do to survive and do it.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

D2 used up all the toilet paper again.
Damn kids
Yeah I think a lot on the toilet.
Hmm, Easy Rider May 1982, oh well

Have a nice day

Walker

Chips Or Chicks? ©

A couple of weeks ago I watched a movie with the kids and as I was watching I realized these were my kids.

Let me see, what was I like at their age?

At 17 I was still in high school.
I wore jeans, black leather vest with a black leather custom made leather coat.
I drove a 75 mustang
Split the frame in midair after first bottoming out at 100 miles an hour then launching off the top of a hill that is.
Stupid place to put a hill.

I worked from 4 pm until midnight then hit the strip across the border until 3 am to party and to make some fast cash.
Let’s face it, I made more money illegally in an hour than I did in a week where I worked and if you wanted to party like I did, you needed cash.
Coke was 200 a gram and I went through at least three of those a night
The pot, booze, lawyers.
Oh yeah, the bribes.
Fuck, I miss those days.

D2 is 17 and is almost as tall as me.
Inia says she looks like an Amazon
She goes to high school
She wears black skin sight pants like a lot of other girls.
They’re so tight they walk like they got hemorrhoids.
Her hair is jet black but is planning to color it black red with blue tips
She drives a bus pass, has lost it a couple of times and it costs two bucks one way to school.
You’re mad, that its going to cost you forty bucks extra for the last ten days of the month when she will get a new one but your happy she didn’t loose it at the beginning of the month.

She bugs me to get her a snake.
She’s been wanting a snake for a few months now so the other day she got her wish.
I was looking at snakes online and I came across this ad of a guy selling his snake and all the things it needs to live like the aquarium heater and lid for $100.
I’m thinking that’s to good a deal but I decided to make an offer.
I figure I would offer $70 and he would counter me to 80 or something so I send off the email and twenty minutes later I get a reply saying sold.
WTF.
I was just sending a feeler out there and here I was, getting a snake.

Ok, I sit back and look at it as a great deal and not as getting a snake.
It’s not like I don’t have any pets.
I have Frick and I just acquired an Oceanic 50 gallon aquarium not to long ago and it’s full of fish.
What’s one more mouth to feed?
It’s a little mouth.

So I send back an email to this guy saying I will pick it up and to send me his address and the best time for us to show up to get the snake.
In no time his response came back with the info but at the end of it he asks if anyone is experienced in handling snakes because it was to aggressive and was scared of it ever since it attacked him.
WTF!?

Now I am starting to wonder what I was getting into but it was still a good deal and I needed to see this killer snake.
D2 was freaking out.
She wanted the snake but she wanted a gentile one.
It’s a fucken snake for fuck sakes.
Inia has experience with snakes and said she would handle it so off we went to pick up the snake.

On the way there we wee conjuring up images of what a beast the snake must be until we pulled into the parking lot to where the guy lived.
I rang the doorbell and when it opened this skinny nerdy looking guy stood there.
He looked like Harry Potter for fuck sakes.
He tells us we can’t park the car there so Inia ran off to park the car while we went inside to see the killer snake.

The first thing he tells D2 and is to watch out for his Doberman.
When he said that all my senses went full on and D2 hid behind me as we made our way downstairs.
Where out of the corner charged out what looked like a three month old red Doberman with a cone around it’s head.
Harry tried to stop it but it bowled him over and started licking our legs.

Some other skinner nerd walked in and took the dog out to the next room.
First time I saw a guy wearing red lipstick too.
Harry then turned around to the shelf and there was this tank there with a log and a wooden cave next to it and a plastic bowl with water.
I could see the snake and asked him.
He said it was under the bedding but if I wanted to see it I would have to do it because he wasn’t going near the beast but standing on the other side of the room.

“Beast” WTF….. Well I had to see the snake so I opened the lid and slowly took out the log and the cave leaving the water.
Studying the bedding I reached in and grabbed what looked like a tail and lifted the corn snake hiding under there and it swung it head around and hissed in my face.
Harry ran for the stairs.
D2 stood there in shock.

I put the snake back in the aquarium and locked the lid back on.
Taking the money out of my pocket I passed it to him and asked for a garbage bag to cover the tank with as we walked back to the car.
He gave us a garbage bag, which I put around the tank then picked it up and walked for the door with him leading the way.
I walked out, as Inia was about to walk in.
She just threw her hands up, I smiled at her and said, “Lets go, we just pulled off a robbery” and off we went.
Inia asked what happened and D2 said, “Chicken shit nerd”.
Inia was confused so D2 pulled the garbage back from the aquarium and inside there was a snake no bigger than a fucken pencil and the great white hunter back there shit his pants at this worm.
WTF was he going to do when it got to be four feet long?
Who wants to lie bets down that in about a year I will be reading about some skinny geek who got eaten by his killer Doberman, Mothball?

On the way home D2 asked what we were going to feed it because Harry back there said he hadn’t fed it yet.
I know we had some lasagna at home.
What, Garfield ate lasagna as did Emme.

Inia said they ate dead mice.
OK, so off we went to Pet Mart.
Inside the store we walked around to the poor fuckers section.
D2 and I were standing in front of a large aquarium looking at a pile of white mice running around the bottom of it.
D2 looked at he and said they looked cute.
I told her yeah they did but they won’t look so cute after you beat their heads in with a wooden spoon to kill them.
She freaked out, she said she thought I would do the head bashing and feeding and all she would do is say she had a snake.
I said uh uh not happening, her snake, her turn to get dirty, my hands have done enough wooden bat spoon head bashing.

She protested and said she wasn’t beating a mouse’s head in with a wooden spoon.
It was cruel and inhumane.
Yeah, she was right and I told her she was right.
It would probably take about 5 good whacks to waste the little fucker.
Then it came to me.
I told her she could just use the walnut cracker and crush the little bastard’s quick and clean.
Ok, maybe not so clean but it would be quick.

Her eyes were popping out of her head when a clerk came over and asked if she could help us and I said yes.
I asked her for some pinkies.
Dead frozen mice.
You didn’t think I was going to buy and kill mice did you.
The snake better get used to eating frozen food because when he starts craving live food my skinning knife will make and appearance and I’m going to have a nice new wallet.
So now at the end of the month I have to buy cat food, fish food and dead mice.

When we got home I took the tank upstairs where we all stood around looking inside at the killer worm
D2 was still a little apprehensive as was I.
One, it’s a snake and how many good things have you heard about snake?
Two, Harry, even though he WAS a chicken shit, you can’t push aside his fear either.
There was nothing left to do but reach in and pick him up and I did.
D2 ran off a bit when I gently held him out of his home.
I haven’t held a snake in over twenty years.

After a bit, Inia took it and she let it wrap around her hand but when it was D2’s turn she took off downstairs and came back with gloves on then took the snake.
A couple of days with the snake D2 was more comfortable with it and didn’t wear any gloves any more but she has to sanitize her hands after every time she handles him.
It’s all been an interesting experience for the both of us.
She had to feed him and came down to the kitchen and went into the freezer for a small container with a plastic bag wrapped around another plastic back with a small bag with five frozen baby mice in it.
Yes, I have frozen mice in my freezer.

She opens the bag of mice and says they are all struck together so I tell her to pry one off and to leave it out someplace to thaw.
She was fumbling with the outside of the bag trying to pry one off when she squeals then lets the bag fall to the floor spilling frozen mice on the floor.
Great, what next.
Frick runs up to sniff one and in his mouth it goes then he takes off with me on his tail.
You give Frick a mouse Popsicle and he will make a run with it any time.

I asked D2 what the hell.
She said when she was trying to separate them a tail broke off and it scared her.

?!

Tail breaking off scares her but a snake in her bedroom is good.
At least she didn’t have to pry one off now.
I told her to leave it out for an hour before feeding it to her snake ands to call me when she does so I could watch.
About an hour later she calls me up and I go into her room and there she is with the lid off on the tank, dangling a dead mouse from the end of my salad tongs to the snake.
She’s keeping those now.
The snake grabbed it by the head and before you and boo it was gone.

It’s been two weeks now and everything has been ok……hold on.
Fuck I spoke to soon.
It’s what, 3 am now.
D2 left her door open and Frick went in and has now officially met the snake.
He can’t get into the aquarium but he was trying and they were both hissing at each other like pissed off drag queens through the screen.
As soon as D2 came down from the ceiling and pried Frick from the lid she tossed him out into the hallway where I just found him.
Yup things are getting back to normal around here.

When I was 21 I drove a 75 Dodge Dart Sport.
I liked cars from the 70’s and have owned a few.
70 Beaumont, 72 Continental, 76 Electra, 74 Plymouth Fury (My pimp mobile, HA HA HA), the 75 Mustang and of course the 75 Dart
I ran my own company and still delved on the seedy side of life.
Booze drugs and woman, only the good stuff
I worked twelve hours a day and partied for the other twelve.
We slept on Sunday, the day of rest and hangovers.
Friday nights I used to pick a restaurant I could go eat at that I had never been to before.
Did that for about 20 years until all hell broke loose.
Might be something I should revisit.
I loved to try different things in life, how was I to know some were married.

D1 is 21
Reminds me of Mary from the Mary Tyler Moore show.
She dresses in earthy color a little Goth
Beatnik Goth
She has a learners permit and knows the signs
But still uses the bus.
She wants a pink small car.
It doesn’t matter who makes it as long as it’s pink.
I’m not driving it

She has finished high school and collage
She came out with a botanist’s degree and works in an art store.
At least she’s not being busted for growing pot.
While living with her mother she was limited to her movements and hadn’t experience much other than their mother and her BF getting drunk and stoned then running off to the casino to loose the money she got to feed the kids.
Living here she has the freedom to do what she wants and I have encouraged her to go out, make friends and enjoy life.
It’s funny, D1’s nerdy friends are scared to death of me but D2’s brain dead friends think I’m cool.

D1 has a love for food and you can’t fill the woman up.
I mean, she eats a large combo pizza by herself and is a skinny thing.
My mother calls her “Pastra” which basically means, garbage disposal.
The other day my mother lost it and had D1, my brother and father lined up in the kitchen and was prepared to give one a colonoscopy with the toilet brush in her hand.
Seems someone when to the washroom and he or she ass exploded all over the place and didn’t bother to clean it up.
She only knew it wasn’t her.

D1 has managed to eat herself sick on a number of occasions.
The other day she went out for dim sum with friends and later that night she came here and was complaining about a stomachache and how she didn’t feel good but when she heard we were taking off for wing night she was first at the door to go.

As many of you know I am a big wing fan and as we sat thereD1,D2, Inia and I we ordered eight pounds of buffalo wings to start.
We all chose different flavors so we could share.
D1 was mowing through them like it was her last meal and after about 3 pounds she announced she was done.
The rest of us kept on eating but when I looked at her she looked a little pale.
She said her stomach wasn’t right and she hadn’t been to the washroom for a pump in days.
I figured that couldn’t be good but I can see why.
She is a meat eater and shies away from veggies so no fiber in her diet means stomach problems.

She drank down a couple of large glasses of ice tea and sat there looking like a science experiment gone bad.
Then she said she was going to the washroom and was gone.
Gone for quite a long time and I was beginning to wonder where the fuck she was.
I looked in the direction of the washroom stairs.
The washrooms were downstairs.
That’s when I saw a shadow coming towards the opening and figured there she is but it wasn’t.
It was two women helping a third from the alcove.
A man got up from a table to help and rushed over only to succumb to an invisible force that brought him down to one knee.
That‘s it I was going to go find out what was going on but then she came through the door.
She looked pretty green
She sat down and then she was up again and off to the washroom again.
She walked around the crowd gathering around the woman who was carried out.

Five minutes later people started coughing around the entrance of the alcove and got up staggering for the patio.
A few minutes later D1 appeared looking a lot better.
She sat down and took a sip of her ice tea and said she felt great.
She said she felt bad though.
She went to the washroom and all of a sudden everything in her body just poured out of her and into the toilet as a group of women walked into the washroom.
All she her were gasps and a loud bang.
I guess that’s where the woman fainted.

When she opened the door to the washroom and air pushed it all upstairs and into the restaurant sending customers running for air.
I figured it was the best time to leave and we paid out bill and held out breaths as we passed the stairs to the washroom and outside to the car.

At home when we sat there we all broke down laughing as we recalled the people gagging to escape the stench crawling up the stairs.
I don’t know,
Are they chips off the old block or are they their own Chicks.
Who knows, anyway, I got to go glue the caps on D1 tubes of paint.

Have a great weekend

Walker

Beached Whales ©

D2 is back in school; Inia is home or will be by the time I post this, which means life will go back to crazy from insane.
The girls and I spent a lot of time together, especially D2 and I.
She fancies herself an “Emo” who dresses like a “Gothic” Sailor moon.
If you want me to explain all that to you then you’re shit out of luck because I don’t know how to understand it myself.
She thinks I’m a whacked out gangster but it doesn’t detour her from pulling pranks on me like hiding all the toilet paper from the washroom before going to school.

The other day a male friend of hers asked her if she would like to join him and his family at their cottage for the weekend.
She says to him, “You met my father, what do you think”?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Gezz, knock out one kid and people assume you’re a hardliner.

Now she is back in school and she is happy and it’s a lot quieter here now.
Maybe a little to quiet.
JUST A LITTLE!!!

The fucken weather, what’s up with that?
It finally gets better when life gets back to abnormal.
Where was the sun last month when I was at the beach?
Have you been to the beach lately?
First of all, don’t go on the weekend, hell no.
IF you find parking, you will probably drown in the ocean of people before you even got to the water.

There are so many people there, you start off from the car with four kids and your old lady but by the time you get to the sand you have seven kids, none of which were with you at the start and woman next to you is not your old lady but a large Jamaican woman with big tits and a funny look in her eyes.

By the time you round up the scattered kids from their new families and pry the old lady from some beach bum you’re lucky to find a spot to spit on let alone lay out a blanket to sit but with some luck and a little shoving, it’s possible.

Once you’re settled is when all the horrors start.
To the right there are a bunch of teenagers trying to look tough and cool.
To the left was a Muslim family wrestling with a flock seagulls for their baby as the birds were trying to eat their meal.

Inia and the kids took off for the water while I lay back a bit and surveyed the beach.
I used to come here as a kid, forty some odd years ago.
I remember almost drowning a couple of times.
Back then things were different.
Women wore one-piece swimsuits, now they can go topless.
I don’t know if I am better off now or back then, not that you’re going to see any topless women at our beaches even though they can if they so choose but most women prefer not to.
The ones that do are usually the butt ugly ones.
The second they take their tops off, slabs of fat flap around scaring kids and blinding their parents and that’s the guys don’t get me started the woman.
One took her top off while standing knee deep in the water and we all heard the two splashes while sitting on the beach
Then her sumo size husband takes his pants off to display his thong before running to snorkel for his old ladies tits deep down in Davy Jones Locker.
He should have just worn a strap on instead and really made his wife happy.

The punks next to me were horsing around and smoking a joint while smack each other with the BMX bikes.
When I was their age I was parked here in my Mustang among the other vintage cars my friends had bought or restored.
Besides it was easier picking up chicks when you can give them a ride.
Do they make sidecars for BMX bikes?
Maybe a tiny trailer hitch for the skateboard to pull a little red wagon.

I sat there watching D2 rub baby oil all over her body, about half a bottle of it then she got up and walked to the water.
She had so much oil on her the water just parted as she stepped in.
She slowly walked up to Inia’s oldest son and shoved him into the water head first and waited.
When he got up he grabbed her arm and it squirted out from his fingers.
He shoved him back in and swam off.
For the next fifteen minutes we watched her torment him.
It’s ok, he got even of dry land but in the water, she was slick as a eel.

After a bit I got up and took me shirt off then made my way towards the beach while hearing the punks behind me whispering about my back as I walked down to the water’s edge.
On the way D1 joined me and she chased a wave out then it chased her all the way back, past the sand up the grass and to her towel.
I think she’s scared of water.

I walked out to the waters edge where the water crawled up the sand over shells and pebbles and around infants in puffed up diapers that dotted the beach.
Easiest way to slow them down with forty pounds of water wrapped around their butts.

Going out until the water reached my waist I slowly pushed out.
When at the beach that’s full of people you NEVER dive in because you might find your head up some thong wearing hairy sumo ass Italian then have to wait for the tide to go out to get your fucken head back.

Spreading my arms then pulling myself under as deep as I could go.
Rolling to my back I slowly floated back up to the surface where I lay with my ears under the water listening to the distorted sounds of motorboats going by and the 500 people pissing in the water just up river of me.
Sounds like a tornado coming at you.

Yeah, if the weather had been this nice last month I would have gone to the beach more often for some sunshine and reality.
There are few places where everyone from every walk of life, belief, appearance or mode of transportation, can go to enjoy the same thing, at the same time, for the same reason.

Oh and I found out I really love beach volleyball.
Watching that is “Wink”

Have a nice day

Walker