Jiggling Jugs and Exploding Caulk ©

We paid for our stuff and headed off to the car where my mother then directed me to the next stop but along the way I stopped in at Home Depot to get some sealant for around the tub.
When they installed the tub they didn’t put any around the tub and I friend on mine who said he knew what he was doing went and did it for me.
If he knew what he was doing, I’m a brain surgeon because it was the ugliest job I every saw.
Your supposed to run your finger threw it to give it that concave appearance but all he did was run a bead around the whole tub making it look like a white rubber band.
So I decided after three years of staring at it I would finally rip it off and redo it myself the right way.
With the silicon in the car we made a couple more stops before heading back on home.

As is usually the case I was the only one emptying the $400 worth of groceries from the car while everyone else is inside waiting.
OK, they are in their 80s but wait at the fucken door and save me ten more steps.
And what are they doing?
Arguing.
About what?
Not buying a fifty-pound bag of potatoes.
Where the hell did he think I was going to put a fifty-pound bag of potatoes?
The car was so full of stuff I was already humping the mangoes as I drove home and this wasn’t all my shopping.
Mine was to come the next day.

With all the moving I was doing my back wasn’t hurting as much, probably because of the constant bending was keeping it lubed.
I took what few things I had bought and went home to put them away and to get some rest.
I looked at the couch knowing if I lay down on it and my back got cold again I’d never get back up so I went to the computer desk instead.

Read a couple of blogs and wrote a couple of small post for Last Soul.
For some strange reason I have been posting every day there for the last 40 days in a row.
Actually that’s not true.
I scheduled almost all of them but I had a lot to right let me tell you when I wrote most of them.

I sat here contemplating smoking a joint but the clock said the kid would be home in an hour and I don’t like being stoned when she is around.
She is a mysterious one D2 is and she tries to outsmart me all the time and finds herself locked in a war with the wrong person.
For instance, she didn’t feel like going to school but would for one test she had to write then come home but the next day she would feel like going to the movies.

I feel for her and I told her I know how she feels but I work my ass off washing her fucken dishes and everything else that needs to be done around here so sometimes I like having a couple of women over so we could bed hop from room to room and I don’t need you coming home before school is over.

“OMG”!!!!!!!!!!!!
EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
“You really do that”?

“NO, I wish I could but I can’t, just like you’re going to school tomorrow or no fucken movie the next day”.

“Dad”.

“What”?

“You know when I am on my trip”?

“Yeah what about it”?

“You’re not going to have any naked women in my bed are you”?

“No”.
“Just on the couch”.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWW”!!!!!!!!!

Fucken kids.

The next morning I woke up and the back was still a mess but I manage to get out of bed standing instead of crawling this time.
After getting ready for the outdoors I went to my parents place and asked them if they wanted anything and they said no which made me happy because I was only asking out of courtesy.
Last thing I needed was more things to do.
I had to get everything done this day because I had meeting the next day at 11am with this little bombshell and I wasn’t going to miss that.

As I was going to grocery store I get a call on the cell phone and it’s my mother.
She was saying there was a sale of chickens and smoked ham at a particular chain and she wanted me to get some.
My parents have five freezers.
They hoard food because one day the apocalypse will come and they want to be well fed when they go.
Actually I think its because of the war and how most of the time there was no food.
I told her if wasn’t a problem.
She said to pick her up 40 chickens and 6 hams.
Huh, what?

Ok, fine I can do that.
Has anyone seen a chicken sale before?
You think a shoe sale is something?
HA!!!!!!!!
You haven’t seen 20 Chinese women head first in the bins with the legs kicking in the air as they fight the other women for the chicken.
And they get fucken nasty.
I have no fucken idea what they are yelling at each other but it couldn’t have been good because there were drum sticks flying like nanchuks with the skin holding them together.

I grabbed as many bags of chickens as I could and made a run for it before they saw I got away with some.
The chickens were two in a bag and I had ten bags.
I figure I could go back when the war was over.
As I put them on the cash the girl said there was a limit of two bags and there was a sign on the freezer.
What sign?
Man, wait when those Chinese women got to the cash.
They had about 100 each in their carts.
I paid for the two bags and got the hell out of there and called my mother.
She said she wasn’t surprised then said than all I had to do was leave my coat in the car and go in and get two more bags.

“Say what”?
“Are you fucken serious”?

She was.
It seems my parents do a strip tease in the parking lot when there is a sale at the supermarket.
Can you imagine what some people are thinking when they pull into the supermarket lot and there are two eighty year old stripping in the back seat.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two hours and 4 stores later I have 6 hams and 50 chickens in the car.
I know, shad up.

Fucken parents.

Just as I put everything away D2 came home.
She said she wasn’t feeling good and went to her bedroom.
She’s been acting a little weird so I went up there to see what’s up and all I got was humming and it’s nothing BS.
She has been complaining about stomachaches and headaches
She won’t go to a doctor and she’s fucken moody.
Between me and I, me thinks she gots the hots for some guy at school but what do I know.
She hasn’t been eating much either and lost six pounds in a week and we got into a tiff about that until I said my piece with a firm voice and walked away.
In the end and in times of indecision, I decide.

I was pissed and went downstairs, that’s when I saw the silicone and picked it up then got my caulking gun and went to the washroom to deal with the seal around the tub.
First I violently ripped the old one off with a tool I bought and when I had it clean I loaded the tube in the caulking gun, pulled the cap off and started cranking it.

Each squeeze the pump went in deeper into the tube and clicked in place but nothing came out.
Each squeeze was harder to make.
It felt like it was plugged or something so I grabbed the gun with both hands and kept on going click after click until that last one where the click was almost there when BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The caulking gun exploded back on me covering me all over with clear silicone.
It was everywhere, shirt, hair, fucken everywhere.
What was worse, I only bought the one tube.
I looked at the tube in the gun and I had pulled the cap off but I didn’t cut the tip off.

Fucken moron

To be continued…….

Have a nice day

Walker