blue moon (2)

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Jiggling Jugs and Exploding Caulk ©

We paid for our stuff and headed off to the car where my mother then directed me to the next stop but along the way I stopped in at Home Depot to get some sealant for around the tub.
When they installed the tub they didn’t put any around the tub and I friend on mine who said he knew what he was doing went and did it for me.
If he knew what he was doing, I’m a brain surgeon because it was the ugliest job I every saw.
Your supposed to run your finger threw it to give it that concave appearance but all he did was run a bead around the whole tub making it look like a white rubber band.
So I decided after three years of staring at it I would finally rip it off and redo it myself the right way.
With the silicon in the car we made a couple more stops before heading back on home.

As is usually the case I was the only one emptying the $400 worth of groceries from the car while everyone else is inside waiting.
OK, they are in their 80s but wait at the fucken door and save me ten more steps.
And what are they doing?
About what?
Not buying a fifty-pound bag of potatoes.
Where the hell did he think I was going to put a fifty-pound bag of potatoes?
The car was so full of stuff I was already humping the mangoes as I drove home and this wasn’t all my shopping.
Mine was to come the next day.

With all the moving I was doing my back wasn’t hurting as much, probably because of the constant bending was keeping it lubed.
I took what few things I had bought and went home to put them away and to get some rest.
I looked at the couch knowing if I lay down on it and my back got cold again I’d never get back up so I went to the computer desk instead.

Read a couple of blogs and wrote a couple of small post for Last Soul.
For some strange reason I have been posting every day there for the last 40 days in a row.
Actually that’s not true.
I scheduled almost all of them but I had a lot to right let me tell you when I wrote most of them.

I sat here contemplating smoking a joint but the clock said the kid would be home in an hour and I don’t like being stoned when she is around.
She is a mysterious one D2 is and she tries to outsmart me all the time and finds herself locked in a war with the wrong person.
For instance, she didn’t feel like going to school but would for one test she had to write then come home but the next day she would feel like going to the movies.

I feel for her and I told her I know how she feels but I work my ass off washing her fucken dishes and everything else that needs to be done around here so sometimes I like having a couple of women over so we could bed hop from room to room and I don’t need you coming home before school is over.

“You really do that”?

“NO, I wish I could but I can’t, just like you’re going to school tomorrow or no fucken movie the next day”.



“You know when I am on my trip”?

“Yeah what about it”?

“You’re not going to have any naked women in my bed are you”?

“Just on the couch”.


Fucken kids.

The next morning I woke up and the back was still a mess but I manage to get out of bed standing instead of crawling this time.
After getting ready for the outdoors I went to my parents place and asked them if they wanted anything and they said no which made me happy because I was only asking out of courtesy.
Last thing I needed was more things to do.
I had to get everything done this day because I had meeting the next day at 11am with this little bombshell and I wasn’t going to miss that.

As I was going to grocery store I get a call on the cell phone and it’s my mother.
She was saying there was a sale of chickens and smoked ham at a particular chain and she wanted me to get some.
My parents have five freezers.
They hoard food because one day the apocalypse will come and they want to be well fed when they go.
Actually I think its because of the war and how most of the time there was no food.
I told her if wasn’t a problem.
She said to pick her up 40 chickens and 6 hams.
Huh, what?

Ok, fine I can do that.
Has anyone seen a chicken sale before?
You think a shoe sale is something?
You haven’t seen 20 Chinese women head first in the bins with the legs kicking in the air as they fight the other women for the chicken.
And they get fucken nasty.
I have no fucken idea what they are yelling at each other but it couldn’t have been good because there were drum sticks flying like nanchuks with the skin holding them together.

I grabbed as many bags of chickens as I could and made a run for it before they saw I got away with some.
The chickens were two in a bag and I had ten bags.
I figure I could go back when the war was over.
As I put them on the cash the girl said there was a limit of two bags and there was a sign on the freezer.
What sign?
Man, wait when those Chinese women got to the cash.
They had about 100 each in their carts.
I paid for the two bags and got the hell out of there and called my mother.
She said she wasn’t surprised then said than all I had to do was leave my coat in the car and go in and get two more bags.

“Say what”?
“Are you fucken serious”?

She was.
It seems my parents do a strip tease in the parking lot when there is a sale at the supermarket.
Can you imagine what some people are thinking when they pull into the supermarket lot and there are two eighty year old stripping in the back seat.


Two hours and 4 stores later I have 6 hams and 50 chickens in the car.
I know, shad up.

Fucken parents.

Just as I put everything away D2 came home.
She said she wasn’t feeling good and went to her bedroom.
She’s been acting a little weird so I went up there to see what’s up and all I got was humming and it’s nothing BS.
She has been complaining about stomachaches and headaches
She won’t go to a doctor and she’s fucken moody.
Between me and I, me thinks she gots the hots for some guy at school but what do I know.
She hasn’t been eating much either and lost six pounds in a week and we got into a tiff about that until I said my piece with a firm voice and walked away.
In the end and in times of indecision, I decide.

I was pissed and went downstairs, that’s when I saw the silicone and picked it up then got my caulking gun and went to the washroom to deal with the seal around the tub.
First I violently ripped the old one off with a tool I bought and when I had it clean I loaded the tube in the caulking gun, pulled the cap off and started cranking it.

Each squeeze the pump went in deeper into the tube and clicked in place but nothing came out.
Each squeeze was harder to make.
It felt like it was plugged or something so I grabbed the gun with both hands and kept on going click after click until that last one where the click was almost there when BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The caulking gun exploded back on me covering me all over with clear silicone.
It was everywhere, shirt, hair, fucken everywhere.
What was worse, I only bought the one tube.
I looked at the tube in the gun and I had pulled the cap off but I didn’t cut the tip off.

Fucken moron

To be continued…….

Have a nice day



Aleta said...

The person who lived in my house prior to me "rigged" the house in so many ways. I can't wait to renovate the bathrooms, I have that white rubber band around the tub too and can't stand the looks of it!

Funny conversation with your daughter; she'll probably never sit on the couch again. Lol.

Still laughing... I'll remember the tip of the tube.

Susan said...

THanks for a laugh before I head out to work. I always leave your posts with a smile on my face,,, perhaps at your expense, but it still feels good!

Monogram Queen said...

I will definitely remember - always check the tip!

P.S. Did you happen to see any of the chinese women at the check out?

CHEF TROLL said...

Funny stuff all around. Do they have "Primitive Pete" videos in Canuckistanian shop classes?

He was a Caveman who was always using the wrong tools and attempting to make them work with brute force.

BikerCandy said...

That would be funny if I hadn't done the same thing's amazing how much of that caulk can come out of the bottom if you keep squeezing that handle!

Fire Byrd said...

Cause I've had a water leak in my bathroom the floor expanded and now is drying out and has shrunk.... so all the white stuff is coming away from the edge of the units. So feel free to come over and sort mine out next!

Sally said...

Oh, I can so relate to when I was a cashier at the grocery; I saw the same people 5-10 times a day buying those durn chickens & Buy One Get One Free stuff when there was a limit!!



Take care of that back, and don't forget teenagers are just moody sometimes. :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sounds as if you had your mind on other things when you tried to do that caulking the hot little number? What is it that is said about a guy and his brains?...roflmao!

Tammi said...

I'll tell you what "I" hear about a guy and his brains.It's "Everytime a man's fly opens,his brains fall out".lol
I never heard of a chicken sale like that....but I can see you going back and forth changing clothes to get more chickens...that's TOO funny!
I needed a good laugh today.Really.
I bet your daughter DID scowl when you mentioned sex at all.I still can't stomach hearing my mother talking about having sex with ANY guy.That's a BIG Ewwwwww!!

Rainbow dreams said...

lol at the silicone!! you are SO good to your parents :) and that is one hell of a lot of chickens, do they entertain a lot?
You always make me feel good.. cheers, Katie, x

and will pop by last soul too...thank goodness it's the weekend, x

Scarlet said...

I have no idea where to start ... so I won't.
However, you DID make me spew tea all over my computer.


you should really mess with D2 and change all her bedding while she's on her trip. :) LOL
Sorry ... I'm ready to drop kick both my boys to the moon today, so i'm projecting a wee bit of payback. :)

Boxer said...

"It seems my parents do a strip tease in the parking lot when there is a sale at the supermarket."


Peter said...

50 chickens should last two 80 year olds at least two life times!!!!! and thats not to mention 6 hams!!!

Tammi said...

Checkin' back in to see if we've accumulated anymore chickens to date.LOL
That mental image of your parents doing the chicken sale just gives me a side splitting laugh.Cept'my upper lip cracks everytime I smile,from when my face accidently fell into his fist.
I've tried vaseline,Carmex,and antibiotic ointment to get it well,Walker,but it's healing sooooooooo slow.
Your feedback is always appreciated,cuz I can NEVER imagine you acting like my X.Thanks for coming by and basically just "giving a damn"
wuv ya!!

Tammi said...

where is my comment I just posted??UUuGH!

Tammi said...

OOPSEY! It bad

Just telling it like it is said...

If you made it 3 yrs surly you could have made it another 2 yrs and have a caulk anniversary. Throw a party even...then you could drink whilst bring in the food and you wouldn't even remember...

You always crack me up!!;)

Dotm said...

Walker, please excuse my laughter. I once did that, but I had cut off the tip, not far up enough ,only a tiny bead was trying to come out. It was my first attempt using the gun, I was thinking - cut too far up it would flow out too fast. I thought I just wasn`t tightening it enough. Knew better when the caulk started showing up down the seam instead of from the point. They say practice is the best teacher.
Last month I finally bought a new gun, my youngest son told me the problem was`nt me, the gun was no good. Had better luck with the new gun. I am still learning. I had removed the cracking sealer where the tub and the tub wall panel touch. I finally figured I could smooth it out a bit easier if I first put my fingers under the faucet.This used to be Walt`s job, but as he once said- let who ever gets the house next do the repairs. So, this is what I get for being the one still owning it.
I made an easier way for me to carry in groceries. I made a cover for the long large flower box that extends the length of the side porch railing. Now I just carry the bags up the three steps and sit them on the cover. What doesn`t fit there gets put on the top of the dog feeding station that sits on the porch during the winter. Once everything is from the car to the porch, then I open the door and sit them inside the kitchen. Less trips and less opening the door to let in the cold. I am always looking for easier ways to do things with less work. Getting lazy in my old age.

nachtwache said...

I just let hubby do all the manly work. He always has a small bowl with dish soap, that he dips his finger in before smoothing out the silicone.
He wouldn't let me do it anyway, because I'd be sure to do the same as you or some other klutzy thing. Don't give me any sharp instruments!!
I'm wondering too, what your parents will do with all that food. Although reading about some of the Greek feasts, it might not last that long.

Walker said...

Aleta: I enjoy toying with most people but love playing with the kids.
They are so easy to shock

Walker said...

Susan: If a person can laugh because of one of my posts then i have accoplished something that makes me smile too

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: No I didn't. Past experience has taught me to get the hell out before the shit hits the fan ;)

Walker said...

CHEF TROLL: I remember those. I think they used to in shop class alongwith other things to teach us what not to do.
Not that it really helpd half the class would till end iup at the hospital by the end of the course

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I didn't even think it was possible for it to come out the other end.

Walker said...

Fire Byrd: Thank to my experience with it i can probably do it right for you now so as soon as the river melts I will pronptly get out my waterwings and start paddle over there

Walker said...

Sally my parents along with my aunts and uncles do their vaudville act every sale at the grocery store

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots : I am always game for a hot little number but prefer a couple or large numbers to put a smile on my face ;)

Walker said...

Tammi: Just think, thats what your kids think when you say it LOL
We have sales like that here alot. They are door crashers hoping people will buy other things but most people just go for the sales

Walker said...

Rainbow dreams: Family sticks together and usually I am the one stuck with it lol
No they don't we eat them over a couse of a few months.

Walker said...

Scarlet: I I changed her bedding even for a joke she would make me wash it all anyway just to be safe and the joke wouldf be on me

Walker said...

Boxer : Of couse you do because I was the one t hat had to do the quixck change act in the lot :P

Walker said...

Peter: Dinner is usually 6-7 people so the chickens wont last as long as you may think. The go through 3 chickenss for each meal

Walker said...

Tammi: No I wouldn;t treat any woman like that or any person for that matter.
You just take care of that lip and before you know it your kisser will be as gorgious as before :)

Walker said...

Tammi: Oh you just like playing in my blog ;)

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: You crack me up to and give me an eyefull on occation too ;)

Walker said...

Dotm: I have done the not cut enough before to and starting sticking stick down it to see it if was stuck.
Its hard to press out when the whole is to small.

Walker said...

nachtwache: My parents llive to cook and love to eat which goes hand in hand.

I wish i could get someone to do my fixing of things but in some ways I like doing it.

Megan said...


Tammi said...

Now you got me voting like crazy Walker!
Added her on my fave list already.
She's really cool.