blue moon (2)

Monday, March 02, 2009

Jugs Jugs And More Jugs ©

Let’s see, what have I been up to?
I’ve been pretty much crippled for a week with lower back problems that have finally decided to leave me the fuck alone for a bit.
Am I bitching about it, only to myself?

My right shoulder is messed up again also.
I guess it was jealous of my back because it was getting all the attention.
You know what that means don’t you?
I can’t get out of bed for a piss in the morning and I can’t jerk off either because I’m right handed and, AND I had a hum dinger of a hard on too.
I envy those ambidextrous types who know how to swing both ways.
If I did managed to convince my left hand to do the dead without breaking it off for lack off experience, I wasn’t sure if I would cum all over the sheets or piss a waterfall over my head onto the wall behind me anyway.

What did the doctor say?
“Get some rest in bed and make windmills”.
I thought he was Italian but I’m slowly starting to believe he’s more Dutch with all these windmills he keeps telling me to do and rest, what the fuck is rest?
I live next door to the Addam’s family/the Bunkers/the Jefferson’s with the Munsters up the street for neighbors.
The Hells Angels came to move into the neighborhood and they ran away in screaming but in all fairness I think it was because of the 85-year-old Italian lady flashing them her pussy all the time.
She’s been a widow for 30 years you know.

Another thing, how the fuck am I supposed to make windmills and rest at the same time.
I mean, if I’m in bed how the fuck am I going to do windmills.
I would only go up and down bouncing off the mattress from top to bottom like that robot on Lost In Space having a heart attack

So I lay there in bed with a pillow tucked under my back where the pain is because for some reason it doesn’t hurt when it’s in that position and do a quarter of a windmill because even though they are not that hard to do I miscalculated the headboard and the first one I started I rapped my fingers on the headboard and snapped the shank on my ring which opened and pinched the skin of my finger.

Freaking out with the sharp pain I reach out to try to open the shank and free the skin but a shark pain in my back stopped it dead in its track as the phone started to ring.
So I brought the right hand to the left instead and pried the ring open enough to free the skin and then reached out with my right arm for the phone and fell out of bed.

If you think moving my left arm hurt my back.
Let me tell you this.
It was fuck all……..

As I lay on the floor between the bed and the dresser a grabbed the phone with my left hard and said, hello.
It was my mother.
“Walker, are you busy”?
“No, I’m just laying here doing nothing”
She wants me to take her shopping.
“Ummmm but I can’t move, I’m paralyzed”
“Ok, I will see you in 20 minutes at the car”.

When the weather changes like this, my busted joints just fucken hate me but I have learned over the years how to get out of bed.
First roll over on my stomach and slide out feet first.
It has to be feet first because you can get hung up in the morning head first at the end of the mattress and have to wait until it goes down or pee the bed.
Waiting is usually the best choice unless you’re drunk and think you’re in the washroom and leave yourself a wet surprise for the morning.
Yet another reason to have pets.
BAD FRICK!!!!!!!!!

The idea here is to get into the shower and under hot water to loosen up the muscles in the back and quickly because I only have twenty minutes to get ready.
Why is it when you’re sick or just not able to do anything, that’s when you have the most to do?
I stood in the shower for about ten minutes letting the hot water run down my back as I slowly stretched it back into place.
I know what Gumby must have felt when the vulcanized rubber starting feeling like a used rubber but with a little lube you can get it sliding a little smoother for a little while at least.
As long as it doesn’t smell like Ben Gay.
That’s always been one of my fears.
Smelling like Ben Gay.
I mean getting a shit kicking isn’t as scary.
I should send them an email and tell them to make a different scented one.
The sporty Ben Gay for the hip elderly and adopt a snazzy name for it like they do for shower gels.
Call it something like Ummmmmm………. SPAZM.

When I did get to the car I was dressed like I was on a polar expedition to the North Pole or on my way to do my taxes, sweating like a pig on a stick.
We had 5 places to go to and I found that if I pushed my shoulders back then my pelvis forward my back didn’t hurt as much but I got a lot of weird looks from people except from one pregnant woman who collapsed on me in tears getting me all wet.
That or her water broke.

So there I was, standing at the cash, with my mother next to a pregnant women and both of us with our hands on our hips, shoulders back and pelvises out.
Sometimes you should just stay in bed.

To be continued………..



Just telling it like it is said...

I hope you feel better suga...more importantly learn how to use your left hand better;)

Teresa said...

Poor thing. Hope you feel better soon!

nachtwache said...

We're the same age? You sound like a mess. You could try some magnets, actually I know a few people that swear by their Q-rey bracelette, however that's spelled, they also don't stink. I've got flat fridge magnets in my pillow case for my shoulder. It works.
For your back do some core strengthening exercises. You might need that body a few more years.

BikerCandy said...

Ah man...ouch!

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: I rather feel better and get someone else you lend me their right hand ;)

Walker said...

Teresa: I'm to old for soon lets work on eventually ;)

Walker said...

nachtwache: I have broken most of the bones in my body and a coulpe of popped joints thrown in the mix.
Not the kind you smoke :)
So yeah I;m a mess but I still crawl around to do my work

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I say that every morning but strive to make someone else say that every night.

deni said...

Now that must have been a sight.


I know I'm mean, I've BTDT too many times, except without the head getting caught, LOL.

Anonymous said...

wished i had my camera!

will bare the whole staying in bed thing come the morning i think now..good advice my friend

Megan said...

Feel betta soon babe.

I'm still wondering if "left hand to do the dead" was really a typo or not. Either way, hilarious.

Michael Manning said...

And here I sit with a fever chewing Vitamin C and Acidophilus Probiotic Gold made with Bioflora and I still don't feel like Lee Majors! Lindsay Wagner would be a welcomed sight! The Hells Ange;s's with Approach-Avoidance issues! I LOVE IT! They should meet the last two women I've dated! :D) Get well, my brother!

Robyn said...

How are you? Me...hanging,well not really hanging but doing ok! But, sounds like you could use a 'hand' though...LMAO! You really would be a sight in the morning dear friend! Love ya! And have certainly have missed ya!

Peter said...

Matching pelvic thrusts with a pregnant woman, a sight to behold Walker.

Kathryn Magendie said...

lawd! My poor friend-bro! here's a *muwah* where it hurts (smiling)

Monogram Queen said...

I am SO laughing at the image of you & the prego lady standing beside each other in exact stances. Although i've never "seen" you I do have an image in my mind of what you look like!

Rainbow dreams said...

You tell it so well!

what happened to make the pregnant lady collapse in tears on you?

Oh and you know that practice makes perfect...soon you could be ambidextrous if you really wanted ;)