BD 2011 ©

So, how was your weekend?
Mine was relatively usual.
I mean with my relatives and friends how could it not be, like Saturday for instance or should I say the earlier hours of Saturday.
Specifically 5 AM!!!!!!!.

I hate those early morning calls.
You know, the ones that wake you up with bad news.
No one calls to say “Hey man, you just one a million bucks”
The other day the phone rang at 1:30am.
I look and it’s my mother.
She never calls this late.
My blood went cold as I picked up the phone.

“Hello”?
“It’s your mother, it’s your father”.
OMG….!!!!
The worse flashes in my mind.
“What’s wrong”?
“His stomach hurts”.
“What”?
“WHAT”!!!!!
“WHAT”!!!!!!!!!!!

“Why are you yelling”.
“What”?
“You call at 1:30 am and say, “It’s you father” like a scene from some Greek tragedy and you ask why I am yelling”?
“Your father said I shouldn't have called “.
“Of course he did”.
“He ate two pounds of fucken hot Italian sausages and now his gut hurts''.
”Wait until tomorrow when his ass feels like it swallowed a flamethrower”.
“Give him some Pepto and the tube of Preparation H for the morning”.
I love my parents but they drive me crazy.

The phone rings at 5 am.
What the hell now?
“Hello”?
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY”!!!!!!!
“Harry Belafonte”?
“No, no you got the wrong number”.
“Happy birthday”.
Huh, I look at the clock
“It’s 5am, the only happy I am at 5 am is waking up with Inia’s lips around my dick and I don’t see them down there”.

“Happy Birthday Walker”?
“Is that you Frank”?
“Yeah”.
“Thanks, I’m just telling your wife to blow me”>
“I thought she already did that”.
“That’s not all she did”.
“What”?
“Nothing”.
"Giggle"

“It’s 5 am”.
“It’s noon here”.
“Yeah well I am not in Liverpool England”.
“I’m surprised you even picked up the phone”.
“So am I”.
"You must be alone".
"Shudup".

Thirty minutes later I’m punching the pillows back into shape to try and salvage some sleep then curl up next to my rolled up Inia simulating comforter and pass out.

9 am the phone is ringing.
WTF

“hell oh”
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY”!!!!!
“Huh….. oh yeah, yeah Thanks, I think”.
“Were you sleeping”?
“No, I was jerking off to see if it still worked”.
“Of course I was sleeping”.
"I am surprised you answered the phone".
"Isn't Inia there"?

"Shu " “Happy Birthday Walker”.
“Thanks Paul”.
“You know Paul, if you lay on your ol’lady a little longer in the morning she wouldn’t be waking me up at 9 am”.
“He does the laying all right it’s the moving he needs work on”.
“I told you I was getting a vibrating bed for that”.

It was 9:30am when they finally hung up.
I don’t get it.
They call me up so they can talk to each other on the extensions while sitting in the same room.

There was no hope in my going back to sleep now so I slowly got up and made my way to the washroom.
I needed a shave, a haircut, basically I still looked like I did a year ago.

Finishing in the bathroom a made my way downstairs where I found D2 cleaning up the kitchen.
We have arguments about the kitchen.
She is now full tilt into baking and has decided she wants to be a pastry chef.
She is doing her co-op at a pastry shop and works there on the weekend when not in school.
She is waiting for them to approve her apprenticeship application and if accepted she will have her wish by the time she turns 23.
But in the mean time she is making shit loads of pastries and cake.
I have gained fifteen damn pounds because of it.
She comes home with four boxes of rich creme filled cannolies or pastries.
The other day one girl made a mistake and made 5 of the wrong cakes so the boss gave her one to bring me.

WTF!!!!!

NO NO NO this can’t go on I told her and what’s worse.
She doesn’t clean up when she bakes.
She just leaves and when I get in I am left dumbfounded by what I see.
Today she was cleaning up the mess she made two days earlier.

I dropped at the computer while she cleaned up and looked at my emails, fourteen of them.
All were for my birthday and ten from Facebook.
You know, I have no idea how to use it.
I don’t really care for it, I still prefer msn but that’s me.
I don’t even know what to do with them.
They are on my “wall”.
Do I straighten them out or wallpaper over them?
At any rate I thank all of you who have sent me the best wishes.
I still think getting panties in the mail is more entertaining than Facebook HA HA HA

After spending the afternoon dealing with more phone calls and stopovers from friends I finally got some peace and quiet around 6.
That’s when I decided to shave and take a shower.
As I was walking to the washroom the phone rang and it was my brother inviting me over for his birthday party that he was having.
His was a week earlier so I said fine not wanting to be anti social and told D2 she was coming along and will want to go home by 10 pm.
And they say you can’t plan for the future.

Around 8pm D2 and I headed four houses up to my brother’s house where we were greeted by the sister-in-law with her tits hanging almost completely out of her shirt.
The SIL loves her boobs and enjoys having them out on display.
Walking past her there were some of my brother’s friends with their wives who all knew me.

I sat in the living room with the guys while D2 went to the kitchen with her sketch book as she had to design a wedding cake for her boss.
After shooting the shit with the guys I got up and went to the kitchen to get myself a drink and talk with the wives who were all pissed drunk when I walked in.
Last time I saw my brother's boss's wife she was naked.

To Be Continued….

Have a nice day

Walker

Pulling My Gunn ©

Midnight, another year gone by.
Where the fuck does time fly.
WHEN does it fly by?
I mean most times I am so busy I don’t notice it but there are times I am so fucken bored , I can’t wait for it to go by.

I poured me the last shot of Ardbegs into the glass.
I have been saving it for months now.
At $130 a bottle, (cheaper in the States, fucken taxes).I make it last and this last shot turned two today.
Well, 13 if you count the ten years in the casket and the year on the shelf where Inia grabbed it for me two years ago.

1959, t’was an interesting year.
Mack the knife was the number one song.
The Battle of New Orleans was number two.

Talk about two polar opposites styles finishing that close.
I guess you could say it was a transition point in the history of man at that stage.
We reached the peak of the 50’s and were on the home stretch to the very top so we could tumble over into the 60’s.
No one remembers the 60’s.
The Hippies were to stoned to remember and those that weren’t, don’t want too.

Venus was number 3 by Frankie Avalon, I wonder if he was thinking of Connie Francis

Lonely Boy by Paul Anka was number 7.
Did I tell you when he was a teen he worked as a dishwasher at the restaurant my father worked in.
The old man said he was a smart ass and more then once found himself upside down being dunked in the dirty dish sink.

Donna was number 18 by Ritchie Valens
Sea of Love was 20th by Phil Philips but the Honey Drippers did a better job of it I think.
Totally my opinion.
Some people love listening to chicken scratch.

Dream Lover was number 25, Bobby Darin trying to explain why he masturbates in his sleep.

Connie Francis was 45th with Lipstick on your collar.
I think after 52 years we can finally admit the truth Connie.
The lipstick really wasn’t on the color now was it?
Bad Frankie.

Peter Gunn theme by Ray Anthony was 67th , hmmm maybe I should make it my theme but the Henri Mancini version.
Walker pulling his gun theme.

Number 100 was This Friendly World by Fabian.
Where the fuck do you live buddy?
Explains why its 100.

There were many more.
Elvis, Jan and Dean, Fats Domino and more.
It was a battle ground of different types of music vying for our hearts and imagination and when the smoke cleared we had Cheech and Chong, works for me.

I wish all our battles could be as sweet or bitter even bittersweet and entertaining as the words from the lips of our troubadours.

Have a nice weekend

Walker

Who's The Saint? ©

The Irish are holding me prisoner south of the border until the weekend so until I get uncuffed from the headboard and back up north I wish you all the luck of the Irish on this St. Patty's Day.



Happy St. Patty's Day

Walker

Poo What? ©

Can you hear that?
Wow, my hair is flopping up and down.
I’m going to be deaf in a month.
I finally got a new set of speakers to replace the ones I melted and I tell you, it feels good having six speakers pointed at me head.
Without music playing I can’t do anything.
It’ sets the rhythm to life.

It’s the weirdest thing too.
They are the ones I wanted but I didn’t get them from the electronics store but rather online for a fraction of the cost.
Actually they were so cheap, I felt bad that the guy was going to drive twenty miles out of his way to deliver them so I offered to meet him closer to his place.
I mean 25 bucks for something he paid 170 for a month ago is worth a little drive.

So I told D2 I was going to meet a priest at a parking lot to make a deal.
Did I mention the seller was a priest?
Yeah
She gave me a look.
I don’t know what it is with my family but when they see me talking with a member of the clergy they think the whole family will be going to hell.
I have had some great conversations with many priests and some interesting ones with a couple of nuns.
OK, I may go to hell but surely not the whole family.
Sister Margaret wasn’t really keen on the idea.
I mean god was warming her heart but the fire in her loins was hotter than hell.

So what have I been up to besides watching the Middle East on the news.
Actually, the Middle East has been on the news for so long everyone is bored of it now.
Yeah, I noticed it the other day.
I’m sure the producer of CNN finally said, “This shit is getting boring”.
“Let’s look for something that doesn’t involve protesters”.
“What’s happening in Wisconsin…….”?

The weather has been freaky lately.
It can’t decide if it’s winter or the lead up to spring.
One day it’s -30 the next 8 then –30 again.
What the hell is that?
Then it’s 10 right after.

Inia, the boys and I went out the other day taking advantage of the weather when we could.
We went to the market to do a little shopping and just get some fresh are away from the TVs and video games.
AS we walked down the boys spotted Sugar Mountain, the store that has all the candy you remember from the past and sweets you had only heard of for sale.
Yeah, real evil place.
In fact, Inia would say it put the devil in me.

We let the kids go in as we stood outside.
We know.
You go in, you’re fucked.
Your ass will begin expanding the moment your fingers touch the door handle.
Not to mention if you go in with kids, might as well mortgage the house.
You’re already weak at the knees at the sight of sweets from your youth and vulnerable to their suggestions just to get them to go away and leave you drooling over PEZZ collection on the wall.
So we stood outside and stared in through the window to avoid all of that but it left us vulnerable to the elements of society.

As we stood there two chicks strolled up.
They were in their early twenties.
One was slim with a petite frame and the other had a larger frame with some extra meat on her that looked like she had desperately tried to compact into a pair of jeans that cried to be put to death rather than suffer her fat butt.
Hey don’t get me wrong.
I love me lots of booty but if a seam snapped on her jeans it would be a catastrophe to anyone within twenty feet.

They walked right up to us and one asks Inia if she would take their picture in front of Sugar Mountain.
Now you have to understand, Walker does shit on impulse and Inia knows this.
I am pretty sure she knew what was coming next as she squeezed the button on the camera while her head turned towards me.
I could see her lips moving but it was to late.
Inia’s good but I’m fast.

“So is that the before picture to compare your …”? says I
“Shit” says Inia.
Oh well.
I never said I was shy.

They opened the door and walked in.
We stood there watching the kids inside freaking out on the thousands of types of candy to choose from when a woman with a baby carriage was trying to get out.
Inia reached over and opened to the door open to make it easier for her.
The woman came out and turned to look at who opened the door and saw it was another woman.

She gave me a look.
I said nothing, Nada.
I know a crazy bitch when I sees one and this one had crazy written all over her face.
She thanked Inia in a cold hard voice.
“You got to watch out for the fucken perverts”.

Yeah, yeah, they can spot me a mile away.

“Last week I was in a mall and this guy was following me around trying to look at my “poonani” so I whacked him in the face, fucken pervert”.

WTF is a “Poonani”?!!!

“This is my fifth kid”.
She looks over at me.
I didn’t do it so don’t look at me like that.

The boys came out and we got the hell out of there.
On the way to the van I asked Inia WTF a "Poonani" was and she said it’s slang for “Pussy”.

Poonani, I don’t know, with the poo in the front of the word I would think it would refer to something else but if she’s been bouncing babies on her lap for all these years her nani might smell like Poo.

Have a nice day

Walker.