blue moon (2)

Friday, April 09, 2010

wHO'S tHE bOSS uNDER tHE cOVER ©

All the birthdays and holidays are past for a bit.
Imagine, even the blog has a birthday and on April Fool’s.
I wonder whom the jokes on HA HA HA
Is it me or is time moving a little faster than it used to?
The weather is uncharacteristically great.
Hmmmm maybe 2012 is the number and Mother Nature is giving us one last whirl around the bowl before she flushes the motherfucker with us in it.
Now I can lie back on the couch and watch a little TV now that some of my favorite shows are starting up again like Fringe and Under Cover Boss.

Fringe is a great show with some freaky shit happening all the time all towards one main purpose.
This show reminds me of X-Files without the aliens.
Just this weekend we all sat down to watch season one and everyone was glued to the television for the whole 20 episodes and Inia’s son took it with him to watch it again.
It’s not often you see a kid ignore his computer or game console for that long to watch a whole season of a show.

It’s not like there isn’t enough around here to distract everyone like for instance the other day.
The ex SIL came by to see the kids and she had this weird look in her eye.
I’ve seen that look before in people who usually pulled a knife or gun out on me.
As she was a third pf the way up the stairs and eye level with me I asked if there was a problem.

Her eyes went from blank to wild and she verbally attacked me in a loud voice.
Spewing a barrage of insult at me my kids and my family.
This woman called my niece who is all of five years old a whore because the kid wore a hat she didn’t approve of and said her mother was a whore because of the way she dressed.

Everyone can dress as they please like her who wears circa 1800’s reproductions and looks like she would live in Salem Massachusetts.
Is it still legal to burn witches there?

I mean this woman turned on me with a vengeance and just after I spent a month helping her move a TV from my place to hers and at a DRASTICALLY reduced price.
$250 bucks for a 40 inch TV and I moved the 300-pound monster with a bum arm with my people supplying the vehicle.
I gave her an aquarium because she needed it and cat food to feed her six cats, food for Easter, which she ate before.
Now she is here screaming at me and wants to assault my kids with this bullshit.
I don’t fucken think so.
I told her to get out of the house but all she did was scream down the stairs and in my face yelling at me some crap that happened in the summer of 89 and that I never apologized for what I did.
Yeah I remember that, apologize my fucken ass.
They’re lucky I didn’t litter the place with bodies that day.
Oh, I did but they were still all breathing.

The Ex phoned and said she needed a ride to take D1 to the dentist and when I got there were three guys lying in wait for me.
The Ex’s brother in law with two of his cousins and one of the Ex.’s sister as commander and chief on the moron gang.
Three pencil necks in brand spanking new jeans against and a bleach blond with a soft fat ass against a street raised battle harden street hood.
I had a dagger in my right boot.
The belt buckle face came off and slipped out into a lock blade and there was a buck knife in my back pocket that I used to murder apples with which I could have gone for but those were instruments reserved to be used against men not dick heads so I looked around the room quickly for D1’s nerf bat.

It was quick and ugly.
Less than 5 seconds and Blondie was lying on her husband bawling.
One guy was bleeding profusely from a busted nose that had shattered against the wall.
The third guy was running down the hallway for the stairs and his life.
The Ex was screaming it wasn’t her idea.
Uh huh.
I doubt if the whole family could spell IDEA let alone have one.

Her sister took off and called the cops who showed up not to long after as I was leaving.
They knew me and we talked then they went upstairs to the Ex’s and after about thirty minutes arrested them all for being stupid.

They actually told the cops that they lured me there to teach me a lesson.
I mean, how premeditatedly stupid can you fucken be?
Yeah I sat there in the parking lot gloating as they took them away.
That family really hates me.

So I told her to get out of the house and she refused to go but continued her verbal assault at me telling me that I used to beat my EX every day.
A week before she was telling me how well I treated her sister and how stupid she was.
Talk about bi-polar
At this point I had had enough and told her to get the fuck out.
Inia’s four year old was standing right there with her eldest on the couch watching the show.
D2 was at the top of the stairs looking down.
Inia was behind me at the computer.

The SIL didn’t fucken hear what I said so I took a step towards her and she started yelling at me that she would call the police if I hit her.
You’re in my fucken house and refusing to LEAVE.
On top of all that you are threatening me and everyone in my home so if I want to use your fucken ass for a damn soccer ball I will and I don’t give a fuck if you have a cock or cunt between your legs.

I crowded her out the front door where she stood hurling more insults at me when she wasn’t spitting.
I locked the scream door and walked down the hallway as she stood at the screen screaming at Inia to get out now before the beatings start.
I think Inia wanted to go out there and start the beating.

So you see, lying back on the couch to watch TV was a big change of pace for me.
Sunday I like watching first the Amazing Race.
The only reality shows I care to watch and then Undercover Boss my new Sunday favorite.
Got to replace football with something you know.
Undercover boss is about bosses from various large corporations who go undercover to see how things are going down in the trenches without anyone knowing they are the bosses.
Last week they had the CEO of Roto Router.
He was working like a grunt getting dirty like the rest but sucking at it compared to them.
In the end the bosses learn a lot about some of the people who work for them and in almost every episode they help some of their employees who need help or promote some who show promise and commitment.

At the end of each episode they reveal who they really are and the people are shocked to learn that the head honcho was working right they’re with them.
Probably thought hard to remember if they were nice to him, HA HA HA.

Now this could only work for a large company.
It would be hard for Joe of Momma’s Pizzeria to show up one day in disguise to see how his staff is actually working without him when the only other staff is his momma.
She probably starts beating him with a rolling pin for not being at work.

You know whom I would like to see on the show?
The Godfather of the Mafia.
Oh man, I think it would be cool.

Of course he would have to go out of town so no one would recognize him so he tells everyone he is going away to his private cottage to be alone for a break.
He picks up the phone and calls some Capo he has never met in some shit hole in the middle of no where and tells him that he is sending someone, “Luigi” down for some work and to accept him with his, “the godfather’s” blessing and to give him work.
Of course his request is respected without question.

The next day he is on a plane going to his first day on the job.
After meeting his contact at a greasy diner we was taken to the dockyard where he was introduced to a couple of other hoods he was to be working with.
Their job was to straighten out a shop steward at the docks who was causing trouble for the capos daughter.
After a two-hour wait they spotted their man on his way to his vehicle going on break and accosted him before he got there.
Dragging him to the alley, Luigi watched as one thug held him while the other gave him a lecture.
The shop steward was telling them he didn’t care what they said; he wasn’t going to be pushed around.
Luigi thought to himself.
Back in the day we didn’t talk to them, we showed them.
After ten minutes of watching them argue Luigi stepped in and asked if he could have a word with the shop steward.

Luigi wasn’t very tall compared to the six foot six shop steward but that didn’t bother the five foot four Luigi.
He walked up to the man and told him he had something to say to him then winked at him.
Without any indication of what he was about to do Luigi kicked the shop steward in the balls and shoved him thumb into his eye socket, spilling out the eye all over his wrist.
The man was screaming in pain when Luigi’s shoe kicked him in the side of the head while he was on the ground then stomped on his face a couple of times before he stepped back and told his two cronies that this is the way you talk business with these people.
Now, they could tell them what was needed to be said.

Both men stood there in shock at what had just transpired.
One of them took a small step forward and told the downed man that the Boss’ daughter said that the wedding would be in June not July like they had previously arraigned.

Back at the shop the Boss was freaking out when they heard what had happened to his daughters future husband.
He wanted to kill Luigi but he couldn’t do anything because he was sent with the Godfather’s blessing.
Instead he sent Luigi out of town to another outfit the next day and out of his sight.

Day two of the Godfather’s undercover adventure had him doing collection 500 miles out west with a crew working for his brother in law Guido.
They went from store to store collecting from everyone but one corner store.
Luigi went to walk in but was stopped by one of the others.
He was told that that owner was not on their books because the owner refused to pay for protection.

“Refuse” Luigi thought.
Back in the day no one refused to pay homage.
He told them to wait and he would be right back.
Walking through the door he saw a elderly woman standing behind the counter and proceeded over to ask the where a bouts of the owner only to find out that she was the owner.
No mind, she still had to pay homage if she wanted to operate in this neighborhood.

The other waited for about fifteen minutes outside of the store before Luigi emerged again bleeding from the ears, eyes, mouth and nose.
They all looked at him unsurprised.
Luigi looked at them and ask why they didn’t tell him she was Sicilian.
They all just laughed at him as he staggered to the car.

Day three all they did was hang out at the strip club waiting for orders.
Luigi sat around groping the passing strippers; it’s something Luigi did well.
The others just sat there talking scared to grab some ass.
Back in the old day he thought they would be locking the doors and screwing everyone of them but now they give you dirty looks he thought.

On the fourth day they were summoned and were told they were to go along with one of the others to pull a bank job.
Luigi would be the driver.
The rest of the afternoon was spent planning the job and get away.

The next day, a Friday the showed up at the bank just before it opened for business.
His three partners exited the vehicle while he sat there waiting and drinking his coffee.
As he sat there he was startled by a passing truck and spilled hot coffee on his lap.
Fuck he looked like he just pissed his pants.
Looking around he didn’t find anything he could use to soak up some of the coffee from his pants but he did notice a fast food joint across the street.
Looking at his watch he figured he had a few minutes before they came out again so he got out and locked the door so no one stole the car while he was across the street.
Five minutes later he came back to the car and waited.
And waited and waited………

As he sat there he heard the sound of sirens and police cruisers were rushing towards him, then past as they raced down the street.
For a second there he thought they were caught.

He waited and waited and they still hadn’t come out.
Back in the day they were in and out of a bank before the second hand went around the clock once.
This new generation were lazy he thought.
It’s been almost half an hour and he was getting hungry.
Looking back across at the fast food joint he decided to run across quickly and grab one of those egg sandwiches, yeah.
Locking the car again he ran across the street.
He was back in about five minutes and sat in the car again.
Being the nice guy that he was he picked up a sandwich for each of the guys but they were taking a long time getting back.
Waiting another fifteen minutes he decided to go check out the bank and see what the fuck was keeping them.
Reaching the door he pulled to find it closed and a sign on the window saying closed.

Turning he went back to the car and drove back to the boss and told him that they never came out of the bank and didn’t know where they had disappeared too.
The capo couldn’t understand what had happened when just then the door opened and two of the guys walked in all sweaty and looking ragged, each was carrying a backpack.

The boss asked them where the hell they were and they said that they came out of the bank with the money and when they got to the car it was locked and Luigi was nowhere in sight so they ran down the street but when they got to the corner the cops were on their way so they ran back to the car to see if Luigi was back but he wasn’t there so they took off down the other end of the street but there to the police were arriving so again they turned around and passed the car yet a third time as they took off down an alley and out the other side where they jumped on a bus to here.
The boss looked around and asked them were the third one was and they said he didn’t make it.
He missed the bus and was left at the bus stop.

The boss looked at Luigi and was furious.
Luigi told him he was there waiting but it took them so long he got hungry.
If it had been anyone else he would be laying in a ditch somewhere but the Godfather had sent him and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG couldn’t touch him.

That night Luigi packed up for his trip home but before he did he called ahead and told his Consigliere to invite all the people he had met to his house on Sunday so he could surprise them with his true identity.

That Sunday he got up and took a long hot bath before putting on his best suit.
The Consigliere came in and told him everyone had arrived and was waiting for him so he proceeded to his study where everyone he had invited was being assembled.
He stopped at the door one last time to adjust his tie then stepped into the room and yelled out “Surprise” just before the roar of guns filled the room.

Oh well, sometimes it’s not good to be da boss

Have a nice weekend

Walker

7 comments:

Puss-in-Boots said...

I rather like your version of Undercover Boss. We don't get it here (well, not yet, anyway).

As for your SIL...why is she still walking around? I'm surprised no one's bumped her off by now...

Have a good weekend.

BlazngScarlet said...

Since this is the SIL that is related to your EX, then all you need to do is consider the source.
Really.

I love "Undercover Boss" as well. I think you should send them your idea ... it would REALLY boost ratings!

Just telling it like it is said...

Just so you know I am the boss...nipple flash see you looked

Lora_3 said...

Hey! That's cool that you watch Fringe.

Sometimes you have to let go of control to find that sweet spot in life.

Love to you,

Be safe...

Peter said...

"Godfather 5" would be a riot at the cinema.

Boxer said...

Ba Da Bing, Baby!

Joanna Cake said...

I really hope that I can keep relations with my ex civil. Examples like that show just how important it is to try to retain that quality in all dealings.