blue moon (2)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Rim Shot ©

It’s been crazy around here lately
It’s not enough I have to deal with family.
This week was about making sure both girls were on birth control and what kind.
Explained to them that jumping up and down doesn’t keep you from getting pregnant but may be the cause of it.

Trying to get my father his driver’s license.
That’s a whole post(s) in its self.

For the last couple of months I have had my own health issues to deal with which I have kept to myself.
I’m not a sharing person when it comes to some subjects.
I hate sympathy and pity so I do my best not to post issues to generate them.
I am sure I can find other ways to generate comments and ways to get into trouble without that.
It’s all good for now, nothing missing or growing where it shouldn’t be and I am 2008 pounds lighter.
The ton off of my shoulders and the eight pounds I crapped out after that stuff they made me drink.

I went for a barium enema a couple of weeks ago.
Not something that is overly pleasant to do but I highly recommend it.
Since that day my ass has been so regular my brain is in shock that it can actually think a little clearer.
I don’t know if it was having a hose shoved up my ass then inflating a balloon on the end of it so that it doesn’t pop back out or the ten gallons of alka seltzer they filled me up with that’s made me this way.
Personally I think it might be my ass being scared shitless that it might happen again.

I went to the hospital and was greeted by an Asian doctor.
She looked like she was about twenty years old.
Why do Asian people look so young?
I mean you meet some and they look like they’re thirty and you find out later they’re 135.

Now this lady was right off the boat.
You can tell by her prominent accent.
So she tells me what they are going to do and takes me to a small changing room then gives me a couple of those hospital gowns.
The she tells me to strip down and get into those as she closed the curtain then left.

I need a haircut and why do they have a mirror in that little closet they call a changing room.
Maybe they want you to have one last look at what you used to look like before they are done with you.
A few minutes later she came back and brought me to the room where they were performing the procedure but along the way we stopped at a washroom.
There were three of them side by side.

The doctor knocked on the door and asked the person inside if they were OK and a loud fart escaped from the grill on the bottom of the door.
I looked at her and said, “I guess that’s a, yes”?
She smiled at me then led me into the room.

There was this stainless steal table in the middle of the room with machines and gadgets all over the rest of the room.
So this is what a cow feels like on that last walk.

She told me to lie down on the table and to turn on my left side.
I started getting on the table and it was fucken COLD.
Finally settled on the table in the position she wants me in she comes up behind me and tell me what she is going to do.

“I am going to put this in and licksome”
“What…lick what”?!
“What did you say”?
She holds up a thing that looks like a dildo which is attached to a hose running off into the wall and waves it in front of my face.

I’m thinking, great, the hospital has a central Vac.

Now I am a little deaf.
I blew my right ear out on a trip to New Zealand so I don’t hear so well and she had this strong Chinese accent.

“What did you say again”?
“I am going to put this in and licksome”
I look at the technician.
Oh yeah, I was in a room with three women, a technician to take the x-ray, the Asian doctor and a nurse.

The nurse is kind of laughing.

“What are you going to, lick”?

I mean given the proper circumstances, like if I wasn’t there looking for colon cancer which is a hardon killer and the fact that all licking privileges are spoken for by Inia then it might have been something to consider.

I look at the nurse for some help and she said that she said “She was going to put that in my rectum”
I looked at the doctor and said, ”You’re going to put that up my ass”

The doctor, with a big smile on her face nodded her head up and down “Yes, in anus”.
Oh yeah she could probably lick real damn good with that head movement I’m thinking.

“Yes I know, that’s why I came here remember”.
“Yes, anus”.

Oh boy…….

The test itself involved me being spun around like being on a carnival ride with this long garden-hose anchored to my butt by a dildo with a head the size of softball while being pumped up first with the barium and then air.

The whole time the technician and nurse were telling me I was doing great.
I don’t know what the fuck the doctor was saying.
Probably, “Pump up the VOLUMN" in broken english.

It took thirty minutes before they were finally done and extracted the umbilical cord attached to my ass.
The nurse then walked me out and led me to the middle of the three washroom stalls along the wall.
She said I could stay as long as I want.
I was ready to go NOW!!!!

I decided I should wipe the lubricant and what ever else was make my butt feel slimy but didn't need to go and if I did, I would hold it until I got home.
Tearing off a yard of hand towels from the dispenser I sat down on the toilet.
I have no idea what happened.

It was sudden.
The second my butt hit the seat I erupted like I never had before.
I mean I had to take a deep breath to keep from passing out from lack of oxygen.
It just kept coming tearing the sound barrier to pieces and to make thing worse I wasn’t alone.
That’s all I could hear from the toilet to the right and left of me.
The Flatulist Symphony performing, “Bum on the run”.

Fifteen minutes later I thought I was done and stood up.
Then sat down again.

When the lady to my right finished, she was there before I even went in, everyone started applauding.
I was there for about thirty minutes and when I got up the water was whiter that white.
Hell I was crapping out albino turds for three fucken days.
That was weird.

The doctor called the next day to tell me everything came back good.
So that ended that little episode, for now.

Have a nice weekend



Anonymous said...

Oh, the pleasures of getting older, eh? I'm putting it off as long as I can, but I guess my time will come eventually too.

You know, if they only showed scenes like the one you described when we were younger, maybe we wouldn't treat our bodies so badly, in hopes of avoiding all that fun stuff.

Glad to hear the results came back good!

Boxer said...

oh, hello, I'm turning 50 this month and I'm due for this fabulous procedure. aghghgh.

Kathryn Magendie said...

You make me laugh - you are the badest boy ever *laughing*

Puss-in-Boots said...

Thanks, Walker, you've well and truly put me off having a colonoscopy! If my GP asks why I havn't done, I'll tell her to read your'll be self explanatory.

But I must admit, I had to laugh...

BikerCandy said...

Ha ha ha...that definitely made me laugh out loud this morning. Hope I never have to undergo that procedure myself.

Tamara said...

Wow!! How do I put this?
Hmm..."Your post just sucked my own ass up to my throat just reading it"? lol
Your ass will prolly cringe again when you read my really ALL OUT RANTING post...I was surprised u hadn't
EEeEeK! Will "I" have to have that proceedure done too,btw?
Well,your just a real trooper daddy-o!! ;-}
Props for being able to get through was hilarious to read,but when I put myself in your shoes,I took those shoes off so damn fast!!LOL

BlazngScarlet said...

"The Flatulist Symphony performing, “Bum on the run”."

Such a vivid picture you paint!
Part of me is laughing, and the other part knows what you went through.
I myself have had a lower GI series, complete with barium enema.
I didn't crap albino turds for days though.

I hope your ass has recovered.

Joanna Cake said...

Is it compulsory to get that done when you turn 50 then??? Thank goodness Im only 49 in April!

Im told that having a regular colonic irrigation is very good for you - Princess Diana used to swear by them... but that probably doesn't help much does it ;P

The idea of that nurse singing pump up the volume made me laugh at loud! Hope you're feeling better now.

Less processed wheat, sugar and dairy in the future Mr! x