blue moon (2)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

It's A Mad Mad Boob Shaped World ©

That’s right, it’s a mad, mad, boob shaped world with a frozen nipple on each end to keep us suckling on her while she fucks us from both ends and they wonder why we’re all so screwed up.
I just happen to live in the middle of it with the rest of you in the bowels of society where the strong get used, the weak get fucked and the rich can’t count.

It’s here in the middle of madness we find what keeps us going, booze, drugs and baggy clothes to keep us concealed from the truth.
During the day we battle to keep up with everyday living and many of us barely scrape by or at least present the illusion that we are but no matter how bad off we get, we tend to find a way to blow off steam.

Right on the tail of D1s birthday I had another, the Ex SIL’s on the 19th and my brother’s on Saturday the 20th.
She showed up on Friday, have I mentioned she is unique in her fashion sense?
She showed at the door wearing a black mini skirt, yellow stockings, white blouse black velour jacket, a black pillbox hat with a black veil and black gloves.
My take on that, to each their own.
She loves what she sees in the mirror and that’s what matters to each personality.

I offered her a couple of drinks which she initially refused but took one later.
The kids came to wish her a Happy Birthday and then she took off to see her mother.
Probably to be called a whore for what she was wearing HA, HA, HA.

After she had left I went to the barbershop for a trim.
Trim I said.
Not what I got.
Seems trim in Lebanese means pretend you’re an Apache and scalp this pale face fucker sitting in the chair.

I spend most of the time undercover, I get more things done that way without having to stop to talk to everyone who knows me.
Most people usually move out of my way when they see me coming not even the ones who know me recognize me as I pass by them.
When I’m in any department store I get first-rate treatment and if I get lost, I just turn around and ask the security guard stealthily following me where I am.

I like looking scruffy, I’d grown my hair again down to my shoulders and I shave when I feel like it which is every, who the fuck knows, 5 days.
So I look like a caveman by the end of the week.
Couple that with the fact I am a fair size person, no one wants to bump into Grizzly Adams as he is walking down the sidewalk but even that is now an illusion.

I have lost 100 pounds and have reached the lightest weight that I have been in the last twenty years.
Not that I am a lightweight at 235 pounds but I don’t let it show that much because I have layers of clothes on me.
In fact I have gone down from a 52 to a 40 but my hoody makes me look the same as I did at 335.
Comfort comes first and baggy is comfy.

So because everyone always sees me like this, they aren’t used to seeing me any other way so when I want to go out to have a fun time I just get cleaned up and I am a different person.

It really bugs out my mother.
She can’t understand why I just don’t stay the same.
Ummm, because I like being comfortable and that’s the look that does it for me.

Once she attacked me with a frying pan because she thought I was an intruder sneaking into the house after I cut off 32 inches of hair that day and removed a full beard.
She hadn’t seen me clean in ten years or more.
My father says, “It must be a full moon, you look human”.
Don’t you love family?

The problem is I get into more trouble when I get cleaned up.
I get into less trouble when I look like a demon from hell.
My kids say I look like a gangster when I wear my suit, a biker in my every day clothes and confused in my bathing suit.

So this barber chops off ALL my curls instead of an inch and I end up looking like a marine instead of what I used too.
After the haircut I go to my mother’s who was shocked to say the least of my short hair.
My father was being his kind self.
“ I see you bought razor blades”.
“Yeah I got my hair cut”.
“Going to piss Inia off, she likes wrapping her legs around my neck and grabbing me by the hair to grind my face into her pussy”.
“I said the back of my neck is cold now”.
My parents are deaf, especially my father.
He was watching the Haiti earthquake and as the camera panned the devastation a few days later the announcer said “Hope has died”
My father heard the Pope has died and thought that was the Vatican in ruins.
He called my uncles who in turn called all the other deaf relatives and friends they’ve known all their lives and by 6pm, Bin Laden was named Secretary General of the United Nations.

As I sat there in the chair D1 came down then walked into the kitchen and said “Hi”.
Then took a better look at me and said, “ Oh it’s you”.
Great, I am a passing thought now.
See, I got MORE respect with long hair.
The SIL had called earlier and told me where my brother surprise birthday party was and we should be there no later than 7:30 pm.

7pm D2 and I walked out of the house and drove to the bar.
D1 was working and would show up after work.
This is the first time the kids have gone out with me to party outside of family functions so they don’t know what I am like or how nuts it can sometimes get around me.
As soon as I got to the bar I walked in and there was my brother just inside the door and directed me downstairs to where the party was going to be held.
So much for surprise I guess eh?

We went downstairs where I found eight women sitting around the table pounding back buckets of beer and shooters.
Oh yeah, going to be one of those nights I thought to myself.
I walked in closer to the table and the SILs jaw dropped.
The SIL has known me for seventeen years now and has seen various stages of appearance that I have been in but never like this.
She also has never seen me at this weight either so when she looked up, it took a couple of blinks before she realized it was me.
Her oldest daughter had to take a double look.
What I know is that I didn’t have to take a double look at the boobage spilling out of the tight dresses being worn at this table.
Four sets of DDs and four Ds leaves little room for beer.

The SIL waved me over to a chair in the middle of all the bliss and I opted to send D2 to that chair and sat at the bar right next to them on a stool.
Now these people are my brother’s friends.
Most of them know me as his brother but other than that they know little more than the rumors of what others have picked up here and there.
I like my privacy, what can I say.

As 7:30pm rolled around people poured into the private room and for every guy, two women came in most wearing dresses two sizes to small and bras stuffed with their plastic surgeons latest masterpieces.
Yes, I was in heaven, “A Jack Daniels and a Guinness bartender please”.

Now you got to understand, Walker loves women in every aspect and not because I have two daughters.
I have always been that way.
When I look at a woman, I look at her as a work of art and when we talk, she steps out of the portrait to come to life.
In a space of minutes I know enough about her to know how to break down her defenses for a smile or maybe a laugh.
From there it becomes a party.

This party was a lot different than D1’s birthday party as D2 was beginning to notice.
For one, this bunch drank more and a different variety of booze with the bankroll to back it up.
There were about fifty people and the waitresses were running around with pails of five beers in eat to every table depositing them and hauling back the empties.
This is how it started and in about an hour it started escalating to mixed drinks and shooters.

D2 came over and said she was tired of 7-up so I told her to order what she wanted and to put it on my tab.
She looked at me saying she was underage.
This is a funny place.
She is 18 and can’t drink in Ontario and five minutes away in Quebec she can drink all she wants.
I called the bartender over and ordered her a drink them passed it to her and told him to put her drinks on my tab and he said nothing.
She scurried back to the boob factory.

Now this group is a lot older than the previous party D1 had and we have experienced a lot more and lots more of our innocence over the years so we tend to be a little more forward and I, I am the worse.
I tend to be blunt and say what’s on my mind and I don’t taper it off for anyone but I do try and be as polite as I possible can when I’m talking about the valley of the dolls.

As I was sitting there I heard an “OMG”.
“Is that you Walker”?
“You look great without those curls”
She grabbed a stool and plopped right next to me.
Then to my right another of the wives of my brother’s friends spotted and recognized me then came over.

By 8:30pm I was sitting with twelve women and drowning in tits and booze while my brother and his friends pounded back an endless supplies of shooters.
Fair deal I guess.

His friends like it when I entertain their wives it keeps them from seeing how much they’re drinking but what they don’t se is their wives charging copious amounts of booze on their tabs.

Frank came over to find his wife holding her mouth with both hands as not to laugh out her teeth as she was laughing so hard and she doesn’t have false teeth.
He was happy to see his wife was having such a good time he bought me a shooter and told me to keep up the good work.

“No problem Frank”.

I gave him the thumbs up and a wink before I turned back to his wife, “So Frank dove over the corner of the bed while naked and whacked his balls on the bed post, that’s just fucken hilarious”.
“ I know, I know but what was really funny was that he covered them with mayonnaise after.”
“He said he read someplace that it helps to keep the swelling go down” and she burst out laughing hysterically again.
“He has problems with the swelling down there already, HA, HA, HA”.
This is why I hang out with the ladies; it’s way more fun.

As I was sitting there my SIL yelled out at me complaining that I didn’t come over to sit with them and some of the others voiced their complaints too.
I countered that I sat where I sat because it was a better vantage point to be able to look down their tops prompting all of them to look down at their cleavage.
Then some adjusted their dresses so I could get a better view.
That’s when the SIL yelled out Boob contest.
D2s eyes almost popped out of her head when she heard that.

They lined up at the bar and my SIL popped hers out, she likes doing that a lot, then lined them up with each of the others to see whose was nicer.
D2 didn’t know what to think HA, HA, HA.

That’s when the SILs sister showed up and hoped on my lap.
The SIL looked at her sister and said “Sorry, you don’t qualify because ummm you don’t have any”.
Which is somewhat true.

Her sister looked at me and said, ”Hmmm, you’re not fat any more and your haircut makes you look real good, much younger”.
“You know I just got divorced” wink.
“ I plan on getting fat again”

After a few more shooters a raging boob debate broke out in my corner as to eligibility of implants in this competition.
The SIL was dipping her hands into everyone bra and pulling out a massive tit to show that there wasn’t really any difference between the real and fake.
Then she walked over to this one woman and I KNEW, this was going to be interesting because this lady was packing medicine balls.

There was no way I could see this happening but I got to give the SIL credit, she tried.
She was down this woman’s top trying to haul out this huge tit out of the small opening of the dress, which was close to her neckline.
I mean the SIL was crawling down this poor woman’s top with her right leg up and foot in the other’s armpit for support.
In the end the best she could to was yank on her nipple.

I’m telling you, it was one crazy Boobfest.
I have never seen a larger group of women so obsessed with tits and I thought I was bad.
D1 walked in after work to find the men in one corner coaxing my brother to down more shooters while the SIL with the Over The Bra Gang were in the other corner judging the gravity portion of the boob competition.

Me, I snuck out for a smoke to get away from the insanity.
As I stood there one of the SILs daughters friend came out and stood next to me.
She was wearing a dress that was a couple of sizes to small and her tits were spilling out all over the place.
I am sure the SIL’s tugging at them earlier didn’t do her bra any favors either.

She came up to me and asked for a light and I gave her one.
It was fucken cold out and she was half naked.
I wanted to give her my jacket but at my age, I get colder faster and at her age, about 20, it only makes her nipples stand out more.
She was huddling closer to me so hide from the wind.

“I’m moving to London”.
“Huh what”?
“I’m moving to London tomorrow”.
“I see, well I hope you like it there”.
“ I hate it”.
“Then why are you going there”?
“Because I don’t have a choice”.
“We all have a choice”.
“Well I don’t”.
“Maybe you’ll like it there once you get used to it”.
“ I doubt it, it’s full of old nerds”
“Last time I was there some old guy hit on me, he had to be thirty”
“Thirty year old eh, yeah that’s ancient”?!
“You know you’re cute and funny”
“I’m fifty, technically I am dead and buried according to your standards”.
“You’re not a nerd”.
“Did I mention I plan on getting fat”?

Tossing the smoke away before it was done I went back downstairs and found a crowd of people, men and women in and around at the men’s washroom door.
D1 was standing in the back of the pack so I asked her what was up and she said her uncle was in there getting sick.

Pushing my way in I found my brother’s ass end sticking out of one of the stalls and I could hear him heaving out hundreds of dollars of booze.
And people wonder why I smoke.
One joint and I am off and running for about three bucks.

A couple of minutes later he emerged a little greener than the yellow he went in looking and he stared in my direction and said, ”Why are your tits hanging out”.
Huh, what the fuck is he talking about and I turned and standing a little behind to my right was the SIL with the globes half out and half in her top.

After about another hour of this and more MORE drinking from everyone including my brother I decided I had enough beer and tits for the night.
Besides I was hungry for pizza, my favorite food when I am drinking and D2, who BTW had a buzz going because she drank a couple of Jaeger Bombs and a few other drinks.
So I called ahead and ordered the pizza so it would be ready for pick up when we got home and it was.
For the rest of the night or morning if you watch the clock, I ate pizza and listened to the kids going “Did you see such and such or such and such did…..”

They were surprised on how people acted and how much they drank but they both said they had a good time, as did I.
Three birthdays and one left on Friday where I know I am going to have a personal; and private boobfest of my own with Inia for my birthday and with that.
See ya when I sober up

You all have a nice weekend.


Tamara said...

"When I look at a woman, I look at her as a work of art and when we talk, she steps out of the portrait to come to life."
I totally love that!So you really aren't one of those guys that unzips his pants and his brains hit the floor!!??
It's funny how u refer to boobs sometimes...cuz if you read my post,I HAD to mention you(referring to boobs,that is)lol
Your Dad probably hear more than you just CLAIMS not to hear you sometimes!hahaha

Shana said...

You sure are funny.

That was some party!!

And I agree with Tamara: your dad hears more than he claims.

Walker said...

Tamara: Oh that's not what falls out when i zip my pants.
Actually nothing falls out, I wear underwear.
Last time I didn't, I zipped my pecker up with them.
Pulling the fucker down was worse.

Walker said...

Shana: I am not funny
Just mentally challenged
Oh my father hears.
He just doesn't hear what he thinks he hears.

Tamara said...

OMG! Waker Walker Walker!!
Sometimes I have to cum back over here and re-read what u posted b/c I have to get another laugh.Your twisted,did u know that?lol
btw,I posted a pic on my blog,that u missed cuz I edited it,and posted a picture of a psycho-maniac....your not psycho...your just throwed..
Love it!!!!!
You rock....cuz anybody that can hang w/ your everyday life HAS to be awesome!!!LOL

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, young man!

BikerCandy said...

So, I've decided the reason I like you so much is you remind me of my man. He too would be the lone man with all the women, actually he would have probably been the lone judge in the best tits contest. I tease him that if he's not careful people will think he's gay because all of his "friends" are women. His response to that was "I'm not gay, I'm just smarter than most men, women are way more entertaining than men because they have tits!" ha ha

Peter said...

These parties should be publicized by the Canadian Government... it would bring a huge boost to the economy... tourists flooding in from everywhere just to attend a Walker style party.

craziequeen said...

OK, so now I have a mental picture of my friend Walker complete with buzzcut...I'm wondering if that is a good thing? :-)


Just telling it like it is said...

My small nipples are only for you.....

BlazngScarlet said...

Happy Belated Birthday darl!
Have you come up for air yet?!


Puss-in-Boots said...

Makes the parties here sound like Sunday school picnics...

As long as you all had a good time, boobs and all.