Bits n Tits ©

Monday was another crazy day.
Or was that Tuesday?
Hold on, what day is it today?
Fuck, I’m loosing my minds.
At least it’s almost Spring and Summer will be here just in time for Winter.

Yesterday I had to take D2 to the dentist.
Last time I took her to the dentist she was 4 and they had to call in the riot squad to save the doctors and staff from her.
This time she needed a root canal and she wasn’t very excited about going for it.
The whole trip to the dentist’s office I stressed the importance if keeping all her teeth for as long as possible.
I asked if she wanted to have false teeth like her mother and she said no.
So for the rest of the ride to the dentist’s office I mimicked the dentist’s drill.
HEY, I wash all the dishes and clean house, I get to torture my kid my way.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, paybacks a bitch but oh so sweet, sweet, sweet, it’s the only bill I like paying HA, HA, HA

An hour later D2 comes out of the dentist’s office looking like someone whacked her with a baseball bat.
Her hand was under her chin catching the drool running off of her hanging tongue frozen and flopping useless out of her mouth.
Where’s a camera when you need one?

With her finger in her mouth keeping her tongue in she slurped to me that the dentist couldn’t do the root canal.
Oh, oh that’s not good I’m thinking.
About thirty minutes later the dentist comes in the room and says D2 needs surgery to save the tooth but they can’t do it or find someone willing to do it so in the end the tooth might have to be removed.
If she had her way it would be gone already.
So they sent us home and said they will call us when they know if it could be done.
As we are walking out o f the dentist’s office, Droolly says, “I want cake”.
Yeah right, this is how we ended up at the dentist’s office.

All the way home she complained about the dentist and how it was the worse thing ever.
No, no it’s not.
Sitting next to the person whining about the worse thing ever is the worse thing ever.
We get home and I walk through the back to the front and stop at the door to the TV room and there is this half naked black woman spread out on my couch.

Holy Goldilocks and it’s not Christmas.
D2 walks past me and I say, ”Hey, there’s a woman on my couch”.
“Is it Inia?”
“No”.
“I’m telling Inia”.
“WHAT”?!!!!!!!
Fuck that, I’m telling her first.
She’s going to want pictures for proof to I bet, hmmmmm...

When the kids moved back home I clean house and even the darkest corners of the closet just so something like this doesn’t happen but I didn’t recognize her.
Then again……..there are large gaps in my memory but I don’t see myself forgetting a set of tits like that.

I walk back to the TV room and say “Hello”.
WTF am I supposed to say?
There’s a top-heavy young woman spread out on my couch like she owns it.
She smiled back at me.
She better be smiling she’s lying there so comfy and all.

I spent 35 years trying to bring women home with me and the whole time I was wasting my time getting drunk and spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying when all I really had to do is leave the fucken door unlocked and one will grow out of the couch.

As I stepped into the room D1 popped up from behind me and said this was her friend from work.
Damn, there goes the magic couch theory.
I was going to turn it into a shrine with nightie and vibrators thrown around and sacrifice Inia on it every night but now…….. I’ll have to rethink the whole thing with the couch.

They lay around watching movies for about four hours while D2 whined from upstairs begging for cake.
My four year old niece showed up with he entourage which included a 2 ½ year old, 7 and 10 year old.

I remember when I had bikers roaring down the street, piling into my house with cases of beer.
Cops parked all around watching.
Now I’m making freaking lemonade for a bunch of girls and they are ALL FEMALE.

WTF…….how has all of this come around?
I’m buying tampons at the grocery store.
Sport, regular……
The Indian lady behind the cash is always smiling at me when I buy some.
Makes me wonder what she is thinking.
Like when I walk down the street and see those homeless people walking towards me.
I can read their minds and I can read hers too
I hear her voice in my head right now.
“Excuse me sir……can you spare a tampon”.
And my answer is just the same as to those homeless people bumming smokes.
“Sorry, it’s my last one”.

The women in my life drive me nuts.
Did I tell you about the vaginal douche?
I don’t remember much anymore with so much happening around me.
The craziness and insanity.
Sometimes I think it’s not them……it’s me because I haven’t become like them.
Maybe if I become crazy to they will look for another sane person to drive insane.

I’m telling you, I………I don’t know how they find me.
It’s my mother most of the time.
One of my aunts was constipated and she had asked her daughter to pick her up this thing to help her.
The daughter brought her home a enema kit that hooks up to a water bottle.
The parents were insulted and refused it.
Now you and I know that it’s the proper tool for the job but to these people its like sex.
If it’s longer than 4 inches, you’re getting fucked up the ass.

So my aunt calls my mother to complain about how stupid her daughter was and my mother said don worry I’ll get Walker to get you one.
Yeah sure, if it involves female pussy and ass, call Walker, he knows what to do.
So I head off to the pharmacy again to buy a vaginal syringe this time.
The fucken Indian lady at the cash had a HUGE smile on her face this time.
I want to know why she wasn’t working on some help desk in New Delhi.

I brought it back and give it to my mother who brought it to my aunt who called her daughter to tell her the good news who called me in turn to ask me what it was and when I told her she laughed so hard she almost came on the other end of the phone.
Yup, she was sticking that fat dildo up her butt and squeezing the ball until relief gushed out.
Greeks……..I hope she didn't use windex
I think if they used two balls on the vaginal syringe it would be more realistic.

“Dad, did you see a flash”?
“Flash, what flash…..”?

Have a nice day

Walker