blue moon (2)

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

With Da Fishies ©

Pack my bags
Grab the cat
Run down the street
Screaming, shouting

Set me free
Let me go
Anywhere
Even someplace I don’t know

How long can I stay here?
How much can I take?
How much before I crack
Or maybe that’s what I need to bake

Roll a joint
Have a toke
Lay back and get lost in your mind
While the cat pukes on the floor to step in later

I’m drowning here.
It seems I can’t get anything finished before ten new jobs pile up for me to do and when I suggest I got to get a break I get more work.
I feel like Marlon Brando in the Godfather sometimes.
What’s wrong with people, can’t they fucken think for themselves?

D2 has been sick for a while now and not only the flu but teeth problems and she always has headaches so I am knocking off all those problems one at a time.
Her mother says she didn’t want to go to the dentist.
D2 says she was sending her alone and was scared.
The other day I wanted to take the vice grips and play dentist as she drove me nuts with her whining and whimpering that always seemed to disappeared when the boyfriend called.
.
Two friends stopped by needing advice.
One about money.
Seems because I don’t have any I know how to manage it.
The other about how he should lead his life now that he is out of jail.
Like I have one.

I suggested the one who just got out of jail rob the first one thus leaving the first friend without the worries about money and the second one to open a bicycle shop in China with the money he stole.

No sooner had I shown then the door a customer was waiting at the screen with his computer under his arm and a bag of programs he needed to install on his computer because the government was auditing him for the last six years.
Here’s what happened.
He has no kids just a nephew so he decided to give his two hundred grand cottage to his nephew because he wasn’t using it and he is his only heir.
That done the government turns around and tells him he owes them sixty grand because the cottage was worth more than when he bought it.
It didn’t matter that he gave it away; they still want their money.
Fucken government.
I agreed to do this for him and he left his computer here and left.

I close the door and turn to go back to the kitchen to do some cleaning up when the doorbell rang, its my ex SIL.
Seems she decided that buying a aquarium ornament from the pet shop was way to expensive so she went to the china town and bought a vase with two dragons on it for six bucks but wanted to cut a hole in the base so the fish could swim through.

For two days she was hole with this tiny dremel machine and a sanding bit that was almost as small ad a pencil tip trying to sand away a six-inch diameter base.
For the record the woman doesn’t do drugs, she’s naturally stoned.

She pulls the vase from the bag and passes it to me and after two days of sanding she had managed to make a hole still to small to stick my pinky through.
She asked if I could help her so I took it downstairs to my workshop with her trailing behind.

At my work bench I took out my cutting took and the second the blade touched the vase sparks shot out all over the place.
Ah yeah, stoneware.
This wasn’t going to be easy.
I put the grindstone to it.
Nothing
The drill bit broke.
The hacksaw blade broke
I put a coarse stone on the drill press to see if I could sand the base away but all I did was polish it.

She stood 2 feet behind me peeking at my failure to remove the base one time after another.
It was about this time I had had enough of this shit and turned to her and asked if she could get me the dustpan and brush from behind her.
When she turned I grabbed the hammer and gave it one good whack and it was all done.

By the time she turned wide eye the base of the vase was gone and I had a big grin on my face.
If all fails, get the fucken hammer out.

She thinks I’m a genius.
I was trying to smash the fucker.

Now all smiles we are at my front door and I am trying to push her out when the Ex showed up and both sisters start squealing with delight of seeing each other.
The Ex’s Pomeranian was squeaking to as he humped the Ex SIL’s ankle.
Back inside they come and three minutes later there were five more people.
Oh joy.

Two hours later I finally caved in and threw the lot of them.
The Ex Sil stopped at the door to thank my again for opening the bottom of her vase and her fishy will love me for it.
Yeah, yeah I smell the love already.
I told her to make sure she washed it in hot water to sterilize if first before putting it in the tank and shoved her out the door.

As I was pulling the door shut I spotting at Ziploc bag on top of the columns outside on the porch and went out to see what the hell it was.
I looked down on it and there were three round jawbreaker sized balls inside it.
Maybe the niece left her candies outside?
Just then the EX ran up the stairs and said, “Oops, I forgot the dog’s doo doo bag”.

Fuck………

I finally got some rest as I sat back on the couch after a blast on my new toy.
Lying there all fucked up and horny.
That’s when the phone rang.
Always and you know it isn’t a horny wench on the other side before you say hello it always someone with something stupid to tell you.

“Hello”?

It’s the Ex SIL, see, what did I tell you?
She is crying.
Her fish are all dead
Uh huh
Yeah
What?
Are you fucken nuts?
Well no wonder.

Seems she decided that instead of washing the vase like I told her she boiled in a pot on the stove then dropped it in while it was still hot into the tank and boiled the fish.
I hope she like fish soup.

Some people were born to drive me fucken nuts I think.

Have a nice day

Walker

21 comments:

Rainbow dreams said...

did I miss your new toy?

you are the tonic I needed :) and loving the music today too

Luka said...

Walker, you just totally rock.

Aleta said...

That was sweet of you to help a ex SIL. Loved the part about the hammer and you being a genius. Poor fish though. Geezzz.. a little common sense?

Boxer said...

Dude, you need to go on a vacation, ALONE, and not tell anyone where you're going.

LOVE the song today and I'm wishing you some well earned peace.

xoxo

Tammi said...

I think that's my motive in life is to come here and try to drive you crazy too!LOL
Too late though...cuz someone already beat me to it!lol ;-}
Looooove ya bud!
Surely that was a joke about her boiling the water!!
Awww man--->and I thought I had heard it ALL!

gab said...

Ummmm What new toy? Did you tell us what it is?
and OMG did she really do that? Poor fishies. Dont let her have any more. Some people <--(sarcastic)

BikerCandy said...

Yeah, I think I missed the part about a new toy too. What is that about?

Blogget Jones said...

Yeah, what new toy?? I like toys.....oops, was that out loud?

Lovin' the music!

Poor fish -- they were doomed from the moment she pointed at them and said, "I'll take that one!"

But you are a genius, anyhow!

:o) BJ

Dotm said...

Sounds like you could use about a months peace and quiet after a day like that one. Sounds busy like my Tuesday was. First next door-was that daughter and s-I-L`s Anniversary, next the oldest daughter and her friend stopped here to visit with me. Finally, a couple hours later I was finally able to head out- first to check on my 89 year old Aunt, next check on my wheelchair bound brother, then across the road from him to check on a sis and b-I-L and after leaving there, off to check on an ailing cousin. Went to bed Monday night planning on heading out early so I wouldn`t have to rush to drive and see everyone in one day, but as you know even the best plans usually get changed. Isn`t it nice to be appreciated by so many. Hope you got some rest after. I felt tired all the next day.

itisi said...

You know what they say:
"No rest for the widked."
Ha!ha!ha!

BlazngScarlet said...

"Some people were born to drive me fucken nuts I think'

No darlin, some people were born no common sense.
It's YOU who lets them drive you nuts. :)
But, what WOULD these people do without you?
You do know that you will get a reward for your kindness and generosity.
Someday.

Now, go play with your new "toy".
You deserve it.
Lord knows you've earned it!

Kathryn Magendie said...

I do believe, I do really really believe there is NO one anywhere in the universe like you....*Big Fat Grin*

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hahaha...sorry, don't mean to laugh at your woes, Walker, but you do write such funny posts about your ex and current families.

Boiled fish, eh? I prefer mine baked, I think.

deni said...

Welcome to the NUT HOUSE!

I'd like to play with my new toy...if I had the time.

Peter said...

Perhaps what is known here as a moonlight flit (move out in the dead of night without paying the rent) would solve some of your problems Walker.

Sally said...

Between you and Dotm, I'm now tired and going back to bed. :)

Nan said...

Wow what a day. I think you need a vaction Walker!!!(somewhere far away where no one can find you).

Teresa said...

I need a new toy!!!

Tammi said...

I friggin loooved the suggestions you gave those boys....but remind me to never let my girls go to you for advice.LOL
Your a mess!!hahahaha
Yup...when all else fails,the only tool left to use is the hammer!
Wow...You really ARE a freakin genius!!
Hugggggs
OOO..p.s....I'm meeting a guy tonight at 5:30 from Sugerdaddyfor me.com
Yes,I have my safety plans set. ;-}

Tammi said...

OK--so I'm going nuts trying to figure out where the F*&^% this awful elavator music is coming from...and lo and behold...I had UNFORTUNATELY not closed your tab!!
I gotta tell you,my friend...that tune blows!

Michael Manning said...

Walker: I always laugh at how many people stop by your house to "ask for advice". LOL :D))!!!!!!