blue moon (2)

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother, What A Day ©

So, how was mother’s day?
Anyone get fucked, cum on raise their hand if you go your tally whacked, I got fucked by everyone?
Ex, SIL, Ex SIL, mother, father, brother, kids, friend boys of the kids and, AND friends of friend boys, a couple of my friends, well, everyone but Inia but she promised later when I am not so sore to bust my balls the way I like getting them busted.
I knew it was going to be a busy day so I woke up late so that my headache would be as big as my hard on.

The clock said 10am and my mother wanted to be sitting down and eating by 1pm.
So I stumble down the hall with Frick by my side doing his morning handstand.
See, Frick and I are have been together for a long time and are matched up perfectly.
You see, he’s a little fucker and was from the time he was a fucken kitten.
I got him from some milk farmer in bum fuck deep woods Quebec where even the bears get scared when they hear banjo music.

From the start all he loved to do is chew on me and 18 years later it’s still his favorite past time followed closely to being spun on the computer chair at warp speed until he flies across the room.
That’s something to see, a 15-pound feline astronaut spinning through the air like a helicopter propeller.

No sooner after he crash lands he is back at the chair with his head going round and round trying to match the speed of the spinning chair so he can jump on it again.
You would think that after 18 years he would wait until it would slow down before he jumps on but no, he has to be Evil Furball Frick and go for it so the arm rest could smack him upside the head.

The good part is that his head slows it down enough for him to get on in the second attempt where he begins to whack me with his claws until I start spinning the chair at warp speed again as he stretches out to the four corners of the cushion and hooking his nails in to see how long he could hold on for.

Every morning he runs next to me and slips his tail in my hand so I can jack up his back paws so he could walk down the hall on two paws.
I think I have given him to much catnip over the years.
After checking in on D2 I went downstairs and started the stove then began to prepare a couple of things I was bringing next door.

Walking back from the stove I looked at the sink and it was fucken full.
I mean it was empty the night before but now looked like….where the fuck did they come from.
D2 cleaned her room.
I didn’t know if I should have been happy she cleaned her room or freak out for having eight dishes and 6 glasses in her room for god knows how long.
So now I had dishes to wash too

I first washed the dishes then the veggies I had to chop and put a pot of black-eyed peas on the stove.
I make a salad with them.
In between that I sat here to write a quick post yesterday and read a few blogs before the phone rang.
It was my mother she asked me to ask my EX if she wanted to come over too.

The Ex had been by the day before and said she wasn’t going to see her mother because the sister her mother lived with forbad anyone to go see their mother.
Yeah, I want to slap the bitch too.

I told my mother I didn’t think she would come because I knew her sister was stopping by at her place for the day.
To be honest I feel a little disjointed when she is around because of our history but it was mother’s day and why not, besides like I said her sister was going over so she would probably say no, right?

I sat at the computer and Imd her as she doesn’t have a phone and she is usually on the computer most of the time looking for eggs.
I said something like.

Hi, my mother said if you have nothing to do you can come by for mother’s day Bbq but I told her you were probably busy with your sister”.

Do you see how I worded that?
Sneaky eh?

Her response was, “We’ll be there by 1pm”.

What does she mean by we?
NO, no there can’t be a, "we".
My Ex drives me nuts as does the Ex Sil and my Sil is going to be there and fuck she drives me nuts on a daily basis.


Ok I can figure this all out……….I’m fucked I figured.

By 12:10pm I am done what I was doing but there are still utensils in the sink.
D2 comes down and dumps four large containers with lids in the sink.
What the fuck is that?
They were in your school bag?!
The phone rings, it’s my mother telling me my father is outside with the bbq.
D2 and me are going to have a fucken talk.

I walk out the back door and there is my father rolling down the laneway with the bbq.
What the hell was he doing?
He says it was to close to the car and didn’t want any explosions.
My father is terrified about gas bbqs.
He calls them BBbombs.

The first gas bbq I got him he ignored the instructions and turned the gas on full with the lid down for about 10 minutes before he hit the ignite switch.
It looked like and Apollo launch.
A big flash of light and the lid on its way to the moon.

So after he has the bbq 100 feet away from his car, he gets me to start it while he stands behind my brother’s truck, which is three feet away from the bbq.
Once it’s started he shoos me away and heats up the grill until he is ready to throw the meat on it.

First he throws 27 hamburgers on the grill and after they were done he puts on 36 pieces of chicken.
As the chicken was about done we heard a popping sound and if you’re a frequent outdoor chef you know what that sound means.
Out of propane; so we closed the lid to trap any heat that may still be there.
Luckily the chicken was only a few minutes from being done.
As we stood there my mother came out holding 3 packages of cheddar cheese brats and as me and my father looked at each other trying to see who was going to tell her that the tank was empty my Ex and her sister walked up the laneway early and passed over four pounds of Greek sausages they had just picked up from across the street.

The old man just walked away without saying a world and leaving me standing there with 40 weenies pointing at me and me with nothing left in the tank to do anything about it.
You know what’s coming up next don’t you?

I undue the tank from the bbq and turn for the car but I can’t take the car because there is a big stainless steal bbq blocking the exit so I lug the tank out of the yard and down the street to have it replaced.
Three million miles later and the fucker is full and 20 pounds heavier then I got to walk back home.

I get back at the house and hook it back under the bbq then go inside and drop on the chair.
Thirty seconds later my mother called and I went back outside and lit the fucker for him then went back inside to deal with my ex and her sister.
I don’t know how the conversation got twisted around but we ended up on the subject of vibrators.
It was probably me, I know the ex Sil hates sex and hasn’t had any in 20 years and thinks people who have sex are heathens who are all going to hell, to burn and fry for eternity.
I don’t know about her but it's fucken freezing up here in the winter and am doing my best to go to hell.

So she asked what a vibrator was.
Yes people she doesn’t know what one is, so I told her to ask her sister, my Ex who said “Ummm I don’t know”.

“Uh, say what”?
“Now cut the crap and tell your sister what it is, fuck”.

I hate when adults act worse than children, it’s probably why so many kids are fucked up by the time they leave home.

“It’s a thing that vibrates and woman use it”.
“What kind of thing”.
“You know a thing”.
“Where do women use it”?
“Down there”.
“Down where”?

Makes you wonder why I stayed with this family for twenty years.

“Down between your legs”.
“Why do you put it on your stomach”?
“Not your fucken stomach for fucks sake”.
“You stick it in your pussy like a damn cock and fuck yourself with it”.

“ People do that”?!
"Millions of people do that”.
“And where do they get these vibrators”.
“They sell them everywhere, usually at all the sex stores”.
“They have sex stores”?
“Where the fuck have you been for the last fifty fucken years”?
“Hold on”.

Now I was dizzy in disbeleif and in one of my moods.
I run upstairs where I still have a couple of vibrators left and one in particular that could scar the bejezuz out of anyone.
It's about 10 inches long and thicker than my arm.
I bring it downstairs and toss it to her.

Its only been used as a neck massager so no big fucken deal but when it landed on her lap it was someone had cut the cock off a horse and dropped in on her crotch and she freaked out.
I picked it up off the floor where it had fallen after she jumped up and was currently dancing around the coffee table trying to stay ahead of the marauding rubber penis.
When she finally stopped and sat back down I held it while she looked at it.

“Oh, that looks fake”.
“It’s to big and nothing like the real thing”.

Now I have to agree with her for the most part because I don’t think every guy is packing a ten inch ten pound cock in his pants but like I said I was in one of my moods, wink.

“What are you talking about, every man has one like this in his pants”.
“Didn’t you husband have one like this”?
“NOOOOOO, wasn’t even half of that and if he did I wouldn’t let him get close to me with something like that”.
“Is yours like that too”?

“Hell yeah everyone’s is, just ask your sister right there next to you and some guys are even bigger than this”.
“Oh yeah some guys can pop the eyes of a mare if the get it in the wrong hole imagine if it was a woman”.
“What do you mean wrong hole”.
“You know, up the ass”.
Her eyes were now bulging with shock

“You mean up the ass”?
“Yeah, some woman like it up the ass”.
“Oh that’s disgusting and imposable for any woman to take something that big in their ass”
“But it’s true but you don’t have to take my word for it, you can ask your sister right there next to you”.

HA HA HA I don’t know whose eyes bulged out more but at that moment my mother called for us to go next door and eat.

The rest of the evening was more of the same with other subjects I may post about later or maybe never.
Family is entertaining as is everything else in life if we stop, look at it and enjoy it on the stage we create for it.

Have a nice day



Leah said...

When that vibrator landed in her lap, I LOLed my ass off. Best mother's day ever. I wish mine had been half as funny.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Jeez, Walker, the next time you have a bbq, invite me. I'd love to see you and all those ex's in action...especially with a vibrator. I can't believe your exSIL didn't know what a vibrator was. Maybe she's a closet nun or something.

Peter said...

I was still laughing about the BBQ when the vibrator arrived.... OK that was me for the morning!!!!

Scarlet said...

I need to come spend my holidays with YOU and your family.
Vibrators, exploding BBQs and crazy cats (along with the crazy people).
What a party! lol

BikerCandy said...

Walker, you are such a bad, bad boy! You probably gave that oh so pure woman a heart attack. Not everyone is as sexually savvy as you! But man...once be a fly on the wall in the Walker household would be a very fun time.

Just telling it like it is said...

I one time bought a hand held massager (it was on sex in the city) The sales guy just smiled the whole time I was paying for it...I made him try it on my back and show me all the buzzes and whistles before I purchased it...
Yeah he had a great start to the day.

Fire Byrd said...

Your life is just not the same as other peoples.
I love that you set your Ex up to explain the pleasures of having it up the arse to her sister. LOL

Monogram Queen said...

Hi dear, I picked a doozy to pop in and read didn't I? LOL
I knew Mother's Day was bound to be entertaining at casa de Walker!

Walker said...

Leah: This was just the start, by the end of the night I was banging my head against the door frame.

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: My father would have you pissed on homemade wine and laying on the ground before you knew it

Walker said...

Peter: Sometime i wish c ould load them in the Bbq and fire them off to the moon but what would i post about LOL

Walker said...

Scarlet : You just want to join the crazies LOL

Walker said...

BikerCandy: But I only know how to be bad :D

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: I bet after you left his hand was still vibrating ;)

Walker said...

Fire Byrd: I don't know, this is like any other typical Greek family with a spattering of sex, drugs and loud music

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Now you know why I don;t get cable. I just go next door and flip the channels there

Just telling it like it is said...

Ahhh I like spreading the joy ya know!

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: I know how much you like to spread the joy around ;)

Teresa said...

Apparently there was enough food and no invite for me! The whole idea that a woman doesn't know what a vibrator is beyond me.

Suzanne said...

Well, you know me. You kill me. Laughed my damn ass off. Now the ass stuff. No. That's not me, but you already know that. I'm pretty simple. Not that we've fornicated or anything!!! But, I suspect you know that!!! Oh, I'm sure you'd remember.

Honey, this is so damn funny. I may have to unpack my vibrator for this walk down memory lane.


Suzanne said...

Hey you, I just introduced myself to "The Life and Times of a Cool Single Mom." Her blog's a hoot. Just too damn funny. I was seriously laughing out loud. I see so many others to the right I'd love to meet. Just have to find the time. You certainly are a chick magnet. Why!!!??? Excuse me while I go back and read paragraph 5, line 2. *Rummages for batteries.*


deni said...

Well your mother's day was interesting, I won't tell you what I did! LMAO

Michael Manning said...

All I could say was.....OPA! You have tremendous patience Walker! :)

Tammi said...

Oh my gosh!!! I can't believe I almost missed this post!!!
Was your Ex as innocent as the SIL when you got with her?If so,I imagine you schooled he quick!Poor SIL is in the friggin' dark!! Damnnnn!

nachtwache said...

One learns something new every day, or just about. Now your SIL is a little less ig... innocent about certain things and a 'little' misinformed :)
You and your parents let your ex and her sister come for mother's day, with my in-laws, not even my kids are welcome, never mind our grandchild.
Usually I work on that Sunday night, so I can skip the in-law family do. This year I did something with my son instead of dinner at the SIL house.
I'll try and find the humour in our family's actions.

ginger said...

This would make a very funny TV script. I can just picture your ex SIL's reaction. I hope she's been fantasizing ever since she learned about 10 inch vibrators. I wonder if she's driving by sex shops now thinking of purchasing one.