blue moon (2)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sex Ed ©

This new parent thing has brought up some new and interesting complications lately that I have had to deal with first hand.
What with the parent teacher meetings and the trip, oh yeah, the trip.

D2 went on a trip with her school and the first one ever.
Three days out of town and leaving poor dad all alone for three whole days to lie around the house.
On the couch.
The other couch
The large comfy chair
In bed
Out of bed

Good thing I made sure I wasn’t alone.
I’d look fucken stupid running around the house naked chasing the cat.
I got to get curtains………

Do they make 3D blinds yet so I can get one with the rabbit fucking that chicken on the reverse side?
I think we should be entertaining people who walk by like we used to before curtains.
You can rent Blind Space for companies to rent, like Coke and Pepsi.
Why not?
Can you imagine if the Olympics were in town and a lot of people walked by your place you could close you blinds and advertise for Viagra, the pill of the champions.

She left on Friday night and was due back Sunday at midnight, which meant Walker was going to be a very VERY bad boy.
Sunday rolled by and Inia had to go home.
I told you about Inia right?
Inia Skirt.
I know I’m still weirded out by the name to but I am also happy it wasn’t Oopa Ures.

I am sitting there and the phone rings around ten and she says she is back early.
Cool, but why?
She said they got on an express and they got back two hours earlier.
So I get in the car and race off the five blocks to the bus station to pick up D2

I get there and there is a crowd of parents around with their kids swarming bus officials.
I’m thinking, great, now what.
Seems that the kids got on the express but their luggage was taking the scenic ride back on the bus they were supposed to be on in the first place.
There is a story.

Seems that one of the chaperones was the mother of two of the girls that went to this thingy and when they stopped in Toronto she took her little spoiled princess’ on a sixty minute shopping spree on a ten minute transit stop so they were all put off the bus and onto another bus when the others eventually returned.
But what that meant, was their gear was stowed on the other bus and had to now wait for said bus to pull in to get their stuff.

The teacher in charge was the French teacher and she was running around the bus station like a deranged Betty White high on Bennies.
When she spotted me she came charging in my direction and I swear, I was ready to make a run for it when I saw the look in her eyes.
Man, I have never seen a sex starved crazy beast with a wild look like that in her eyes before and this was for freaking luggage.
I should keep I pile of Samsonite next to the bed to spice up the atmosphere.

She told me about the missing luggage and I told her no biggie I would go home and I would pick up the suitcase later.
Well kick m e in the balls and drag me all over the fucking parking lot if I didn’t commit the ultimate sin.
30 women stopped talking and we staring dead t me.

What; its only fucken luggage?

NO IT’S NOT!!!!!!

It’s our makeup, hair dryer, curling irons, our 4 dresses, 3 dresses, 6 pairs of shoes and the list went on.
This is from the mother who went on that shopping spree with her two daughters and got them tossed off the first bus.

How many fucken suitcases did you have lady?
Say what?
Five?
FIVE?
It was a three-day fucken trip why did you need five fucken suitcases?
You wanted your daughters to look good.
They look good from here, I don’t see why they need 5 suitcases.

If you don’t get those pack I’m sure your going to loose five six hundred bucks for them.
What?
Four thousand what?
Are you out of your fucken noodle?
Did someone fuck you up the ass sideways or something before you packed?
Say what?
Two thousand dollars for make up ?!
It was a three-day fucken trip; you didn’t have to take Revlon along with you.
FUCK, look at them.
Throw a bikini on each then push them out on the sidewalk and you don’t have to worry about them finding a husband.
They’d fucken resurrect the bloody dead the way they look now.
Two thousand in makeup for a camping trip, unfucken believable.

“Dad”?
“What”.
“You know my friends already think you’re nuts”.
“Oh yeah, well tell them to look at the mother over there with the orange hair and the black spandex pants”.
“Is that a big sunflower on each boob”?
“ I think its frogs with rainbow shirts”.

D2 and her friends decided to stay and wait for the luggage so I went home to watch some TV and go back at midnight like I was supposed to.
At midnight I go back and the bus has arrived without their luggage.
So now the small terminal is churning with frantic students and parents.

D2 walked over to me, she’s a little like me, she says that they didn’t know where our luggage was.
I asked her what she wanted to do and she said, “Let go get a drink”.
“Besides it was your suitcase and your hairdryer”.
Smartass.

As we walked back from the tuck shop Ms High on caffeine came whirling at us and the next thing I know I was elected to talk to the supervisor that turned out to be this short stalky black woman who had a look that could kill a raging bull dead in its tracks on her face after having to put up with these crazy people.

“So, about our luggage”.
“I don’t know where it is”.
“Good enough for me”.

See, me, I don’t give a fuck.
Suitcase was twenty bucks and the dryer another twenty.
Two hundred for the rest maybe.

“D2, did you have a good time”?
“Yeah”.
“Good enough for me, goodnight people”.

3 am I got a phone call informing me the suitcase arrived.
It was Ms Caffeine

If that’s not enough, I have to deal with girls who are beginning to go out on dates.
Hmmmm

D1 has been going out a lot lately and the other day I got a frantic call from my mother.
She said something was up.
I asked what gave her that idea and she said that D1s bedroom was meticulously clean.
So clean in fact my father stumble and almost fainted when he saw it.

Later that night she called my parents and said she was bringing a friend over and after works she showed up next door with an Asian guy she has known from college.

See I don’t have problems with this but my parents, they are kinda old fashion.
My father said, she came home with a skinny Chinese guy.
My mother said he looked clean.

I guess since neither said he had an axe in his hand was a good thing.

But as a father I have to be careful to so the next day I decided to have the sex talk with D1.
I mean after all, I haven’t seen these kids in year and I don’t really know what they know.
I mean they don’t watch TV and when we rent movie and there is a sex scene they have their shirts over their heads.
I told them to stop that because all they were really doing was flashing their father and Frick their boobs and Frick is to old for this.

I also need to warn them about what came happen and tell them about what some guys try and pull.
Let’s face it, my kids are like those Quaker kids from that movie ummmmmmmmmYEAH!!!!!!!!! Children of the Corn
And suddenly they are thrust into the world of Greeks.
It’s traumatic and confusing so I have to protect the general public.

So I find D1 in D2s room at my place and I ask her about her Asian friend boy.
It’s what we say around d here.
They go out with friend boys friend girls.
I go out with hookers of course.
Oh did I tell you?
I am not allowed to date anyone that’s 24 any more.
WTF is up with that?
I have to stay within ten years up or down of my age.
Where are my parental rights here?
Pffffffft Kids.
So you forty and fifty years old better start acting your age or I might end up with a spry eighty year old.

She said she knew him from school and he had asked her out a number of times and he was fun.
I said that’s nice.
She said they were going to the movie that night.
I said cool.
She said she was invited to his place next weekend.
I said that sounds like fun.

“Now tell me what do you know about sex”?

D1’s eyes bulged out
D2 started laughing and telling her friends what was going on, on her MSN.
Oh yeah D2’s friends love me.

“They taught us in school about sex”.

“Really”.
“Hmmmm, things have sure changed since my time I guess”.
“They never taught about giving blowjobs in class when I was there”.


"WHAT”!!!!!!
“No, that’s not what they taught us in school”.

“Well then, I am in time because if you are going to have a friend boy you have to know how to give a proper blowjob”.
"Guys really like that you know"?
“I know this is suppose to be your mother’s job but she is not around and trying to get her life together but I might me able to give you a little insight into this”.
“Now there are different types of cocks, some are circumcised and some are not”.
“Now you might have to take the cock in your hand and pull the skin back”.
“You should check for pubic hairs to so you don’t get one caught in the back of your throat then start gagging and puking”
“Puking on a guy’s balls is a bad thing”.

“EWWWWWWWWWW”!

D2 was laughing as she got up and started to leave as D1 protested her departure.

“It’s ok, I gave her the talk last week after I saw her giving your mother dog a blowjob”.

“What’!!!!!!?
Yeah that’s another post, D2 laughed and ran off downstairs with D1 chasing off behind her.

The next day D2 came into the TV room while I was watching one of my favorite shows and sat down in her chair.

“It worked”.
“What worked”?
“D1, dumped her friend boy”.
“Ah”……….
"So is she going to the movies with you on Thursday again"?


"Yeah, thanks".

"No problem, what's a father for".

Parenting, got to love it

Have a nice day

Walker

46 comments:

Sally said...

I'm closing my eyes~not even going to read this unless you tell me it's safe~you know what a namby pamby I am. I'll wait for your reply. :)

Hope your Easter was good. :)

Walker said...

Its safe, you know i would have put up a warning if it was explicit.
Actually I hope you get a laugh out of it

Puss-in-Boots said...

God, I'd love to be a fly on the wall at your place at times, Walker. I can imagine my father ever telling me about sex. Uh uh, no way, Jose...that wouldn't have been at all the thing to do.

Your daughters are going to look back on their time with you, when you're pushing up daisies, and they will be so grateful for the time they spent with you and you with them.

Congratulations on down to earth and honest parenting, Walker.

Leah said...

Really, Walker, your household is fabulous. Fabulous! I know I've said it before probably, but your girls are really lucky.

Just telling it like it is said...

Lets just have phone sex since I have always had a crush on you...

BikerCandy said...

Oh Walker, leave it to you to give your daughters advice on blow jobs. Too funny though. Makes you wonder what the friend boy tried to pull huh?

Peter said...

Now thats what I call a father daughter sex talk Walker!!!!!!!!!!

Scarlet said...

I've said it before ... you're an amazing Dad! The girls and you have come so far ...
Good all over you! :D


Oh, and thanks for making me snort tea out of my nose ... several times.
Cheeky man! ;D

Lindy said...

Thank you Walker, for the hardest I've laughed this year. Thank God my Daddy never had that talk with me. I think I would have crawled in a hole.

gab said...

I loved the song. In fact I loved it so much I read reallllllll slowwwwwww. Just so I could hear it twice. I read the post I know I did but what did you say? Oh yeah Blowjobs I have just one thing to say about that.........................EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Not in my life time.

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: I fugure why beat around the bush and get it all out there so they wont be shocked before they kick the guy in the balls LOL

Walker said...

Leah: Its easier for me to be who i am and let them know a little about the real world and not the fictional one.
Plus i get to have lots of fun

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: Phone sex is overrated. Now crushing a knee while getting your blobes massaged sheds more on life that phona sex.
Sheds more clothes too ;)

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Who better to tell it that someone who gets them :P

Walker said...

Peter: Yup, say it as it is and shock them into celebacy LOL

Walker said...

Scarlet: I hope it wasn't green tea I wouldn;t want you to have a green nose like a leprichane lol
I try my best to be the best father i can and still torture them as much as possible

Walker said...

Lindy: You're welcome.
I strive to make people laugh and teach honest sex.
Maybe i should become a sex ed teacher?
Hmmmmmm

Walker said...

gab: I have been told that it tastes like chicken in the beginning and like shrimp by the end.
Or is that shrinks into a shrinp?

Its one of my favorite oldies and right up there with radar love

Tammi said...

OK--hold up! I need to go fix me my favorite ham and pickles sandwich before I start reading!
That's sorta my way of getting "popcorn when your going to the movies"
LOL..I have to prepare myself for anything..

Tammi said...

Thats so funny!Had to make another half-a-ham n pickle sandwich while reading your "adventures in teenager parenting"....and you think it will end when they get over 18...yea right.The price of their toys just gets bigger.lol

Boxer said...

Loving the music today. CLASSIC.

And, you're making me kinda happy I skipped having children, or more specifically; teenagers.

Bless you for jumping in.

Have a great weekend.

Rainbow dreams said...

well, nooone ever told me how to give blowjobs... was purely trial and error.. ;) good fun practising!! Sex ed? ... why ever not?

Tammi said...

OK Walker--
I don't know how to put this without sounding like a whiney bag...but I used to ALWAYS visit Lindy's site...ALL the time...and still do...but I NEVER EVER hear from her anymore.
Am I being a ding-dong or what?
I know I sound childish...but I'm sorta "J".
It's like some of the peeps that I had constant contact with,have disowned me.lol
Wonder if I've offended her,or anyone as far as that goes.
ok,but you don't count.We love offending each other(You and I).
hahaha
I even sent her a comment on her site.Am I being a whiney ass.Nevermind that question...I know I am...wtf! It's on my mind.
Leave it to me to speak straight from the dome,right?
(giggle)

Lindi said...

Walker,
You crack me up.
Your daughters should be thankful for your honest direct approach to sex ed.
My hubby would never be able to have a conversation like that with our daughter.
We like to live in denial about our children's sex lives...kinda like our parent's sex life...
But better they hear it from someone who has their best interest at heart than some horny teenage boy who only has his own interest in mind.
At least they know that there isn't anything they can tell you or talk to you about.

Scarlet said...

I wanted to say Happy Easter ... or should I say Xristos Anesti.

But .... I can't quite get the image of THIS: "Now there are different types of cocks, some are circumcised and some are not”.
“Now you might have to take the cock in your hand and pull the skin back”.
“You should check for pubic hairs to so you don’t get one caught in the back of your throat then start gagging and puking”
“Puking on a guy’s balls is a bad thing”.

Outta my head.
*sigh*


Enjoy your Lamb.
(wink, wink, nod, nod)


HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Anonymous said...

Once again, you have rendered me speechless. Lol.
Celticgirl

PBS said...

Ha ha, yes, absolutely you SHOULD teach Sex-Ed!!!

Cece said...

I'm so glad I have a few years before I have to start worring about that stuff. But mine are boys, so maybe it won't be as bad? Hey, a mother can only hope.

Just telling it like it is said...

I get no love

Kathryn Magendie said...

My dear friend, I am stopping quickly by because the othe rday I tried to email you and tell you how I was laughing my arse off at your comments, and one in particular that sent me rolling...omg, you are halarious-Ijust love you! *MUWAH*

The email bounced back, so I had it wrong....

now, on I go - have to work on Book 2 and I'm goofing off - publishers want it soon soonest - crap.

Walker said...

Tammi : Hmmmm I hope you don;t start telling people reading my blog is fattening LOL

Walker said...

Boxer: What can I say, its a dirty job but someone has to have fun doing it
You would have made a great mother

Walker said...

Rainbow dreams: Practice makes perfect and by the time you get it right you find Mr perfect and leave the rest hobbling around

Walker said...

Tammi: Liny went shopping and well.....its a woman thing so she may be a while especially if its shoes or computers ;)

Walker said...

Lindi: My parents would never and never said anything but I am not my prents and i would rather prepare them for the real thing instead of fiction

Walker said...

Scarlet: Thank you and I enjoyed my lamb but I didn't get any Nod Nod.
Maybe later later LOL.

Walker said...

Celticgirl: OH NO YOU DON"T that's the husband doing that.
Gezz i get into enough trouble

Walker said...

PBS: They could call it Sex 4:20.
I could be stoned when i teach the class.

Walker said...

Cece: It could be worse in many other ways ;)
Its not easy trying to break the cycle of silence but i think its a must no mtter if you have boys or girls.

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: Aw, Ok you can show me your boobs and I will give then BIG virtual squeeze and make you feel better.
How's that? :)

Walker said...

Kathryn Magendie: Thank you, I enjoy stopping by and being a tiny bit outragious, just wee a bit.
As long as it made you laugh I'm happy

Anonymous said...

Walker, you are some kind of a DAD! Telling it like it is, way to go, they can't say Dad, " I didn't know" can they? What are their ages if I can ask? I'm really trying to educate my grandson's this way........ Phil

Walker said...

Phil: Old enough to make me a grandfather LOL
One is 17 and the other 21 but they have led a secluded life away from me with their mother for the last 17 years and are now living with my after all that time.
If they were younger i would have had to find another approach, like prison for 20 years LOL

My belief is that if you are honest with your kids and that also mean willing to accept what they tell you first as a friend and then as a parent, then you can scare them with reality.
Then they may have a chane out there on their own.
My biggest fear is that they get knocked up before they mature and stop living a life.
Then end up on welfare for the rest of their life.
So yeah be honest, teach them what they need to know, learn along the way yourself and scare the fuck out of them with the truth

Aunty Belle said...

whoops! This heah looks funny, but far far above my shock-o-meter. Heh

Walker said...

Aunty Belle: Raising kids is a shock and funny

nachtwache said...

Honesty and a bit of shock always works best :)