blue moon (2)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Easter Again ?! ©

Fuck; Monday wait no; it’s Tuesday.
I never thought I would be happy to see a Monday so it must be Tuesday.
Hold on a sec, I’m checking to see if there are anymore fucken holidays in the near fucken future.
I don’t know about you people but I am sick of fucken holidays.
Some of you might think I’m nuts but in today’s society holidays are becoming a plague.
Personally I think it’s a conspiracy by the government to keep us occupied so we can’t see what the bastards are up too.

Sunday was Easter for me and as usual there were lots of people over to feast and have a good time but we all celebrated Easter last week to because the whole family is not Orthodox so we respect their holiday as well.

This is one of the downfalls of all of our cultures mixing up.
In the west you have people of different cultures, nationalities and religions marrying and as the generations pass more and more is piled up until you wake up one day and you are celebrating Christmas on December 25th and January 7th, Chanukah, New Year, Islamic New Year, Chinese New Year, Ramadan, Yom Kippur, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Greek Halloween or apokries, Easter, Orthodox Easter, national holidays, International holidays, birthdays……….and Greeks celebrate a day for each of the Apostils
When does it all fucken end?

Thursday, D2 asked me what we were doing Friday.
I told her she was going to school and she said but it was Good Friday and school should be closed for her because she was Orthodox and the other Christians had last Friday off.
Uh huh but you took that day off and a week before she was shocked to find out in school that Orthodox people were Christians.
I have no idea what the fuck her mother was teaching her over the last 17 years but yeah, we are Christians by faith and NO you don’t get Friday off.
Monday either.

Celebrating multiple holidays is insane.
Two Sundays ago I was eating lamb and blue eggs.
This Sunday I was eating red eggs and lamb.
My mother called today and asked if I was coming over for lunch?
What fucken lunch, I’m still waiting for the bloody blue eggs to pass.

This year we were supposed to be eight but somehow ended up being thirteen.
Oh I didn’t tell you how it started.
I was woken up at my favorite time, 8:30 am.
It wad my mother telling me that my aunt was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night and I was to get down there immediately and find out what was going on because she was busy preparing.

Ok That’s fine so I get up and dress quickly and take off for the hospital.
Getting to the hospital wasn’t a problem, finding a parking spot on the other hand…….
Where the fuck do all these cars come from?
I mean, the hospital is full of sick people they can’t have cars there but there were thousands of them.
As luck would have it someone was pulling out and I slipped in.
I get out of the car and walk up to the meter and reach into my pocket for some change but all I had was three quarters.
So I put one in and it gave me two minutes.
Two minutes.
Two whole fucken minutes
I drop in the second and it said 3.45 minutes, I blew fifteen seconds swearing.
I drop in the third and it said 3.32 minutes.
It ripped me off for a quarter.
I stood there swearing for another forty-five seconds before deciding to go inside to find a change machine.

I walk into the hospital and there are vending machines along the wall and in between a candy bar machine and a bottle water machine there was a wall mounted change machine so I went up to it and tried to stuff a ten-dollar bill through its jaws but it wouldn’t take it.
It kept spitting it back out at me.
Great, it was probably out of change so I made my way towards the information booth but there wasn’t anyone there.
I guess they don’t need them on a Sunday morning.

Taking the escalators up to the next level following my nose to a coffee shop where I asked for some change but was told that I had to buy something first.
Fine, a small fucken coffee.
Say what?
$3.50 for a small coffee?!
Do I get a date with Juan Valdez’s daughter with that or at least to ride the donkey?
She said for another seventy-five cents I could get a large which was a better deal.
Better deal?
I need change for the fucken meter.
I hate coffee.
Why would I want less change by giving you another three quarters?

I take the coffee and my change and start walking back out towards the car and I could see someone standing there and abouts of where I was parked.
No No this can’t be happening I thought.

Oh come on man I was inside getting change for the meter.
What do you mean there is nothing you can do because you already wrote out the ticket?
I was getting fucken change.
You are sorry?
Ah fuck you then.
I started to leave and he stopped me.
No I am not putting fucken money in the meter dickhead, you already gave me the fucken ticket and by the way I am taking that to city hall in the morning and having the mother-fucker ripped up.
This, this is not rude buddy; you should see me when Telus calls.

I walked across the parking lot and back into the hospital.
Inside I looked up at the map at the kiosk and found out how to get to emergency.
The smart thing would have been to walk out of the hospital and walk to Emergency that way but I’m not that smart in the morning.

I followed the yellow line to the red line and there through a maze of cubicles separated by sheets and then through a door and into the waiting room in Emergency.
As I waiting in line to ask for the where abouts of my aunt I look around and see her sitting there.

WTF, I hope she wasn’t still waiting.
I walk over and ask what was up and she said she was waiting to be picked up.
Seems she had a pinched nerve not a heart attack.
OH yeah, I needed a pinch a nerve about then too.

I leave the hospital and go back to the car and retrieve the forty-dollar ticket I am NOT paying for then drive back towards home VIA the grocery store for some seafood sauce for the shrimp my mother wanted.
I get home and was stripping on y way to bed and I landed next to the cat as t he phone rang.
I looked at the clock and it was 10:30 am.

On the phone was my ex SIL asking if I saw or heard from her sister.
No, I don’t keep tabs on my EX and I hope she gets a fucken phone soon.
Twenty minutes later I hung up and curled back into my blankets when the doorbell started rattling off of the wall.
Back up I got and dressed again to go down and kill who ever was at the door.
I could here D2 giggling in her room because of my swearing.
Little did I know she had a reason to giggle because I opened the door and D1 walked passed me without so much as a good fucken morning and strait to the kitchen where she opened a cupboard and took out plate then to the pantry where she carved out a slice of chocolate black forest cake.
Hmmmmmmm, the night before I scored a 24-piece cake and brought it home and D2 must have found it in the morning and Imd D1 to tell Miss Sweet Tooth of the potential callorama.

Leaving D1 to hack out a chuck of cake like a tyrannosaurus rex carves out a chunk of ass off a mammoth I went back up stairs to try and get some sleep but the fucken doorbell rang again.
Back downstairs I open up to the ex who it seems was invited for Easter dinner by D1.
Not only is she having Easter dinner with us she decided to show up three hours early.
What can you do but let her in and go get fucken dressed for Easter.
Three hours later we all went next door and sat down but before we start eating its a tradition that we smack eggs together so we each grabbed and eggs and went at it.
Three SIL’s mother and BF were there and they had never seen it before and my 4 year old niece who is a professional by now was showing her grandmother how its done by smashing her grandma’s egg when she wasn’t looking.
Mine lasted a while before it was smashed by D2 but lost the other end to me.
My brother was telling them about the wooden egg I used one year.
Took me a whole month to get it to look like a fucken egg.

The rest of the day was a typical Walker holiday.
Lots of arguing and food until all the old people passed out along with the youngins and I drove the EX home with enough food for a week then came back to be alone once more.
Peace and quiet, at least until they all wake up tomorrow.

Have a nice day



Megan said...

Wow, I was typing a comment and my computer completely crashed.

That must have been some comment.

Hi, Walker.

Michael Manning said...

What a story! I don't know how you find the energy to handle all this!!:)

celticgirl said...

Oh man...I could not be so nice to either of my ex's, never mind sitting down to dinner with them..What a day!
I would take that ticket to city hall, too! No effing way I would be paying it!
Glad that your aunt is ok, btw :)

gab said...

Well! and I thought I had a great post. Whew you blew me outta the water even if I was complaining about big boobs.(got ur attention didnt I?)lol
I followed everything till u got to the smashing eggs part. Then Im sitting there scratching my head going huh? Im pretty sure Ive never heard of that one for any Easter Celebration. Glad Your Aunt turned out to be a-ok.

deni said...

I hate the holidays, just because I work in retail. Easter was as bad as Christmas, I swear they all come crawlin out of whatever hole they were hibernating in.

Monogram Queen said...

Happy Belated Orthodox Easter my friend! Your life.... should be a sitcom. Seriously, they should pay you to live it!

Scarlet said...

Peace and quiet?
What ... did you move?????

Just telling it like it is said...

Awe...Happy Easter to you too...
Just kidding doesn't sound so happy maybe I should flash you my winning smile....hugs

Smokey's Daughter said...

Well you made my Easter in bed sound even more mundane. Buy a smaller house...if 13 people were in my house 2 of them would have to be standing in the bathroom.

Peter said...

Thank god for my quiet/boring life Walker, your pace would finish me off nowadays.

BikerCandy said...

I have to admit the smashing eggs thing sounds interesting. I admire you for being so nice to the ex. It is very admirable of you.

Boxer said...

I think your version of quiet and my version is a little different.