blue moon (2)

Monday, February 09, 2009

Scrambled Eggs ©

So, what did I do this weekend that could be considered exciting?
I vacuumed, you know, they can make a riding lawn mower you would think they could make a riding vacuum.
Why not, they have a toilet that hoses you asshole off when you’re done crapping so why not a riding vacuum and while they are at I think they should have a martini glass holder and a ball scratcher in the seat, pussy scratcher for you ladies out there and if they could get an agitator in a washing machine I don’t see why they could add one of them on.
For all the single ladies that is, the married ones…well, you married one.

Can someone tell me how the fuck so many dishes can accumulate in two fucken days?
I mean I have been washing and washing but more keep appearing.
It’s like I’m breeding dirty dishes in the kitchen.
The gestation period for an adult dish in this house must be five fucken minutes and BOOM there’s litter all over the counter.
I feel like getting my hammer and neutering all the bastards once and for all.
Don’t get me started on glasses.

When the kids first showed up they used to hold the glasses up to see if there were any spots on them and they didn’t do that only here.
I don’t know, I think that’s rude especially to do in front of the person who just washed your 20 used glasses.
So, I decided to have the worse one for it wash the glasses instead and when she was done I let them dry and had a look and there were some ugly fucken streaks there.
I said nothing for the time and waited for her to come down at dinner time and when she did I said lets put the dishes away first and took one glass out and looked through it and said, ”Nope can’t put this one away” then passed it to her to see it was dirty.
She looked at it and before she could say even BOO I was passing over the next one and the next after that until all the glasses were on the counter.
I told her this is what its like to have someone do this to you and told her to wash the glasses again.
Hey I’m not perfect but I won’t have it shoved in my face either.

I think my EX is either going nuts or she is going through menopause.
The other day we went there and she looked like a zombie from one of those movies and was mumbling something about having to find eggs.
I figured she had to high on something and hallucinating.
We followed her into the computer room where she sat in front of the computer playing some game where you have to find different eggs so they could hatch then you feed your double eggs to the hatchlings.
She was telling us how it was important to find more eggs and fell in its trance once more and forgot we were even there.
When she did talk to us she was like she was a thirteen year old again.
My oldest stood behind her mother making circles with her finger at the side of her head indicating her mother had lost it.
I don’t know what she lost be she was looking to replace it with eggs.

She then tried to sell me on the game by telling me how fun it was.
All she was doing was clicking of fucken bushes looking for different types of damn eggs she could collect or feed to her young, if you want to call them that.

I looked the D1 and told her to hurry up because we had to go pick up D2.
The EX looked over and said we should go get her and bring her back to look for eggs to.
Damn, the woman has lost her Egg Noodle I think.
I told her no but I will tell D2 she can come back anytime to look for her eggs.
D1 was giving me a look.
I asked the EX how she was and she said the doctor gave her stronger painkillers for her arm and she was taking them regularly now not like before when she took them when it hurt.

Ah yeah, she’s stoned AND going through menopause.

As D1 was dragging some boxes from the closet the EX got an instant message from someone asking is she had a certain egg.
There’s more of them.
I asked what was that and she told me that there are thousands of people out there hunting eggs like mindless Zombies.
Her niece sent her an email asking if she found a cat could she give it to her.
What cat?
It seems there are animals to so it’s not just eggs.
I look over at D1 and nodded my head towards the door so we could make a run for it before the Brain Snatchers got us too.
I told the EX we were ready to go and wished her luck with the egg hunt and ran for the elevator with the two carts going as fast as they could.
In the car D1 said, “Mums gone nuts”.

We picked up D2 at school and on the drive home D1 told D2 bout the eggs and how their mother was obsessed with finding them.
Later that night we each got an email from the EX, their mother with an invitation to the game and some eggs to start………………….INVASION OF THE EGGS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

I deleted the email, as did both girls.

The next day the youngest was talking to her on the phone and her mother said that if she hadn’t left they would be searching for eggs together.
D2 told he she didn’t leave that she threw her out but her mother insisted that she left of her own as did her sister and now she was all by herself to look for the eggs.
I swear to you, this wasn’t the woman I spent almost twenty years with.
She wasn’t the brightest light in the box but she didn’t give a shit about eggs back then like she does now.

Up the street they have been having the battle of the NITS aka, head lice.
They are NOT coming here that’s for sure until they figure that mess up first.

It all started about two weeks ago when I went to see my brother up t he street and when I walked in my niece was there crying while my SIL stood above her wearing rubber gloves and a plastic hair bag or whatever the hell they call it.
The dog was cowering under the dining room table probably having flea bath flashbacks.

I asked why she was dressed up like a psycho surgeon and she told me about the head lice and how she must have gotten them at school and she didn’t want to catch them on her head.
My niece was crying because firstly she doesn’t like bugs and when she found out there was a village living in her head she went nuts.
I’m sure it didn’t help having her mother dressed up like a mad scientist next to her.

Like I said, that was two weeks ago and the problem still persists.
Two days ago I saw my niece and she had bags under eyes that should only see on a corpse.
I asked the SIL WFT was going on and she said they were having major lice problems still and my niece had been treated six times already.
Six times?!
That sounds a little excessive to me and I asked her why so many times and she said because the lice keep coming back.

Lice don’t come back when you do it right.
I asked her if they all took it and she said no.
Everyone did but my brother who insists he doesn’t have any.
It seems he is to good to have lice and besides he has short hair.
Anyway a battle erupted and to satisfy everyone he sat still long enough to have his hair combed with one of those lice combs.

You should have seen it.
There were clumps falling out of his head onto a piece of paper below.
When they were pointed out to him he said it was nothing and brushed them aside onto the floor.
What a fucken idiot.
How arrogant can a person get to not notice there is a problem and it should be fixed.
Not to mention the fact that what he had on his head was a little more than just a few.
I thought about it later, he crawls through people’s homes and attics installing lines, who’s to say the kid didn’t originally catch it from him and not from school.

From what I have heard in the last couple of days they have all now been treated again and the sheets washed.
Even the beds were tossed and new ones bought.
I think the dog was treated too.
Hopefully they are all gone now for my niece’s sake if anything else.

Winterlude started here this week.
This is when we play in the snow for two weeks.
What do you think we do with all that fucken snow we shovel; we play in it after we smoke the leaves we raked up in the fall.

Have a nice day



Megan said...

I should not read your posts at work, because I start giggling and I can't stop.

People look at me funny.

Rainbow dreams said...

Oh my Walker, I love your attitude to life :)
enjoy playing in the snow,
you could have a snow egg throwing competition...;)
am pleased the lice problem has gone now everyone has been treated, it only takes one person not to be and it won't go away!! making me itchy just thinking of it..
you have a nice day too,

Nan said...

Oil Man's brothers kids have lice right now too. It's hard to get rid of but like you said, if you do it rightr, it should take care of the problem.

PBS said...

Haha, another very funny post! I think HE gave the head lice to them. And I think they should combine the egg finding game with nit finding. But then it would be even more crazy, if that's possible.

Rainbow dreams said...

sorry to comment twice but love the idea of a nit finding game - in fact there probably is one within health promotion websites ... you could kill them too, which would be so much fun...:)

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'll never look at an egg the same way again...

Headlice. Yep the whole family has to be treated and if your brother or whatever won't be treated, he should be told to leave and not come back until he has been treated or agrees to be. I think it's called tough love...

Boxer said...

this post made me scratch my head and feel kinda creepy.

LOVE the song. Do not love lice.

Scarlet said...

I'm all itchy now damnit!

The ex sounds like she's lost more than eggs!
oh my ....

Just telling it like it is said...

Okay now your speaking my language..breading and five minutes...I mean I would like more than five minutes...but a single girl can't be to picky..
Just kidding you know I have a thing your you and your invention of the riding vacuum

deni said...

Went through the whole lice thing when my kids were small, everything in the house has to be treated, carpets, beds, I did all that and still battled the dern things for weeks.

As for vacuuming, I don't, alot can be said for hard wood floors. :)

Monogram Queen said...

The Ex and Eggs - careepy!!!

The lice talk is making my head itch LOL (but I have visions of my boss with lice and i'm liking it)

Fire Byrd said...

It does have to be said, you do know some weird people and some you're even related too!

BikerCandy said...

My head is itching now too. I hate, hate, hate lice. But, you are right, if you treat it right, you will get rid of them. It still sucks though. Ewww!

Anonymous said...

The first school my girls went to had a never ending problem with lice. You had to sign a consent form for teachers to check a child's head if they suspected they had lice. Of course some parents wouldn't sign so we just went round in circles for years because the kids who probably had them weren't being checked or treated. It cost me an arm and a leg for all the treatment, laundry detergent etc and eventually the girls hair started falling out. It was a nightmare.

I bet your daughters are SO relieved they no longer live with their nut job mother. Seriously Walker, she needs help.

Tammi said...

Hey W.??
Got eggs you can loan me?
HAHA--I bet that just went over like nails on a chalkboard.ol
Both my daughters got them once when they were little,and all it took was treating them,as well as EVERYTHING in the household(i.e. washing everything that the washing machine could wash,and useing tons of spray bug killer all over everything)....Costly,but it worked.As big as those suckers were on my oldest daughters' head,I have no idea how I never got them.I treated myself anyways,but never figured out how I escaped those critters.
Excellent point on the riding vaccuum cleaner.You could invent one of those,you know.I'd buy one!lol

Shaz said...

OH nits I remeber well those days they suck. so many treatments and remedies but as you said do it right the first time and continue checking. Vigelence is the only way.

Tammi said...

Poppin' back in to say hey!