blue moon (2)

Monday, February 02, 2009

Fried ©

So what should I bitch about today?
I got lots to pick and choose from like my SIL giving me a deep fryer she bought and said that she only used it twice then decided she didn’t like it and put it away in the basement for the last three years.

I thought that was real nice of her considering she paid $180 for it.
I brought it home and was trying to figure out how to open the thing; I’m not that stupid and could usually figure something out really quick but this fryer had me baffled.
I mean I found what appeared to be the handle and it had a red button on it that I figured must have been the release for something but when I pressed the button then pulled the handle, nothing happened.
I kept turning the thing around trying to find another way in but there was only something that looked like a hinge on the backside so I had to have been right in the beginning so I went back to the handle with the red button.

Once more I grabbed the handle and pushed down on the button and this time a really pulled on it but still nothing.
I was scared to that I might be wrong and break it so to be safe I called the SIL to see how the fucker opened.
The phone rang and there was no answer.
At the window I could see the van was still parked outside though.
Maybe she was in the washroom or admiring her boobs in the mirror.

I went back to the kitchen and started to think while staring at the fryer for weighs to break into it.
I mean I’ve hacked my way past all sort of security and all this was, was a Moulinex deep fryer.

I open the kitchen drawer and pull out the steal knife from the KEG that I stole from Pizza Hut then tried to push it through the top and bottom.
At least I think that’s what it was.
It took some doing but I managed to get it in and wiggle it around a bit but it was really tight and barely got it out again.

I had had about enough by now and decided I would stick the damn thing under the hot running water in the sick and see it that would loosen something up and as I was about to lower it in the sink I see on the top of the lip it says, “Do not immerse in water”.
Well isn’t that fucken dandy?
Back to the counter I go with a renewed sense of hope and I don’t give a fuck attitude towards the whole thing right about now.
I grab the fucken handle.
Push the damn button down and give it my all this time and just kept at it until I saw a little give in the handle.
I didn’t know if I was about to snap it off of the lip or it was actually opening but I didn’t give in on it and put my back into it when I heard this horrible sucking sound coming from the deep fryer.
I was tempted to let it go but I gave it one more heave and it opened up.
Inside was three inches of oil and one the bottom of that it was black.
If I knew what I know now I would have closed the lid once more and pretended I never saw the thing, EVER.

I drained the oil in a container and when it was all gone all that remained was that black shit at the bottom of the container.
Taking a spoon out of the sink poked the sludge and kept going down until the whole fucken spoon and my fingers went in to that crap.
WTF is she talking about she only used it a couple of times?
I don’t think they get this much shit in a day at the pub where I drink and their deep fryer is the most used piece of equipment in the place.
No fucken wonder she wasn’t answering the phone.

Who the fuck stores a deep fryer filled with oil next to the furnace for three years?
I don’t know if it’s laziness or stupidity, maybe a little of both
Now the question was, what do I do?
The thing was covered in grease and oil.
It looked like someone had deep-fried the deep fryer.

I look around the room and I remember there was an empty can in the garbage from the tomatoes I used to make a sauce with so I plucked it out of the garbage and used my big spoon
To scoop out the gross black blob from the fryer and with every scoop full I debated why I was doing it until the can was filled and got out the yogurt container and filled that to the rim too.

There wasn’t much left after those two were filled so I decided to stick it under the hot water and fuck what the lid said.
In fact I took the lid off and didn’t immerse THAT.
I pour boiling hot water in to, it was that bad.
I used degreaser, CLR and anything that said poison on the front of the bottle, even peanut butter.

I went down to my workshop on the basement and got out my wire brush and went at it with that and after about half an hour of scrubbing it looked almost clean so I turned it u[side down to drain the dirty soapy water and the whole inside of the container fell out splashing not only me with that crap water but all over my clean fucken dishes too.


I look at the thing in the sink, then look inside the fryer and it blacker that it ever was


The think in the sink turned out to be the screen you pull out to screen the bits and pieces or food leaving only the clean oil behind but since NO ONE ever bother to do it three inches un oily sludge build up of the few MILLION time she must have used it before she hide it in the basement for three years to either blow up or to give it to me.
Me and the wire brush went at it for another half hour until the reservoir was as clean as I could possibly get it then dropped it in the sink to soak some more with the insert.

It was about this time my mother called and told me my father wanted to see me in the yard.
I hoped he didn’t want me to do any more fucken shoveling because I have done more shoveling so far than I did all of last year.
I dried my hands and got dressed for the outdoors and went out to see what the old man wanted.
I go outside and he waves me over to the back of the yard just in front of his car and points with his glove towards the snow and tell me someone has been pissing in the yard.
WTF, he dragged me out to see piss in the fucken snow.

I look at the snow bank and think to myself that who ever pissed that had to be at least ten feet tall.
I walk over to the snow and what my father called piss in the snow, it was eye level with me and when I got close enough to look at it, all I could do is nod my head and start walking back to the house but not before telling my father I was calling the eye doctor for him.
He yelled at me as I walked away something about he’s not blind and I told him to go look at it closer.
I stopped at the door long enough to see him use the shovel to pull the yellow tissue from the snow.
Piss, twit.
He is so going to the eye doctor.

I came back in the house and looked at the mess in the sink and spread all over the counter and thought to myself why the fuck I was even bothering to clean the fucken fryer.
Oh yeah.
In Greece they used to call me “Patata
I can never get enough French fries.
“Sigh” back to the sink for me.
What I do for poutine.

Have a nice day



deni said...

omg, just throw the damn thing out!


Boxer said...

I go to a Greek diner near my office and order "Feta Fries" - french fries with feta sprinkled on top.... h e a v e n.

How much did you say you paid for that thing? Nothing?

I don't think so. ;-)

Scarlet said...

May I suggest taking a blow torch to it?
Might be your best bet ...

Anonymous said...

I hope that thing didn't have teflon coating because if it did it doesn't anymore. Your SIL must really hate you Walker.

Anonymous said...

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Just telling it like it is said...

What is it about red buttons that fascinate people anywho? I know maybe it reminded you of a nipple

Anonymous said...

I am glad that the "blob" inside the fryer wasn't alive... we found some chicken in the fridge left by my MIL looked worse than what could be on X files...but I have to agree with some of your readers...why didn't you just throw the damn thing out????? Don't tell me you're really going to use it now... ????

BikerCandy said...

Ah, the things we do for a "freebie". I'm afraid I would have given up when I couldn't open it without a crowbar. But, as always, you have the patience of Jobe Walker.

Fire Byrd said...

Yeah but if you get it clean are you gonna want to use it??

Monogram Queen said...

I would have tossed the whole kid n' caboodle. Not worth it battling all that GREASE!

Your Dad cracks me up every time!

Sally said...

You're using it, aren't you? Thought so!! hahahahha

Teresa said...

You have way more patience than me. I would have tossed the damn thing. Fried food isn't good for you anyway. :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Yerrrck! Go and get a new one, Walker. That thing sound dangerous for your health.

PBS said...

Yuck that's so incredibly gross to just store a greasy fryer--and dangerous right next to the furnace!

Megan said...

French fries are the essence of all life in the universe.

itisi said...

That all sounds soooo familiar to me. LOL
Now if you are making poutine from real homemade fries and all, I will be more than happy to join you!

Dotm said...

Walker you are as bad as I am. I don`t know if that is good or bad. I think we are our own worst enemy. I spent about an hour the other day just trying to clean out the long straw like spout from an old can of that darn so called "Great Stuff". The original one for the new can seemed to be missing, so I took one from the old can that was plugged full with that junk. With the use of hot water and a wire and a lot os soaking I worked and worked until I finally could run water through that long straw like spout. Now, If only I had just tossed the clogged straw shaped spout, I wouldn`t have spent the past three days getting it off my hands.
Hope the fryer is re-use-able once you are finished working so hard to clean it. Would sure be a shame if all that hard work ended up being for nothing. Good Luck.

nachtwache said...

I don't like to waste stuff and probably reuse more than many people, but even I would have thrown that thing out. To even consider giving something like that to anyone is shameful.
Poutine, mmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I laughed at the "Piss, twit. He's so going to the eye doctor." :)

Peter said...

Don't fall for all that negativity Walker, keep right on fryin' them fries.