blue moon (2)

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Slippery Pepperoni ©

The first post of 2009 hmmmmmm.
So, how’s the weather in your neck of the woods?
Here it’s just fucken freaky.
First we get frozen then buried in three feet of snow.

So I think to myself, how fucken unlucky can a guy get.
First my father decided that he wasn’t moving to Australia but to Canada instead.
I love this country but I can do without the freaking snow.
I mean he could have picked British Columbia, where there isn’t as much of the white stuff but NOOOO.
He had to move to where they get the MOST snow in Canada.

Then, while the rest of the world is complaining about global warming, it totally passes us by and goes to Florida.
WTF is up with that?
It’s already hot enough there.
I want some global fucken warming here too.

Well it seems the other day someone heard my cries and we got rained on for two days, melting most of the snow.
I bet that sounds good to many of you out there but it’s not a good thing, especially when the weather hovers around freezing.

After spending most of the evening in my mother’s basement on Saturday hanging her new lights I went home and passed out for a couple of hours then woke up hungry.
I looked at the clock and it was to late to go next door and besides, I had my fill of leftovers so I called for a pizza at the place next door.
I told her I would pick up my double double pepperoni and cheese pizza, if you pick up it’s five bucks cheaper and you save on a tip to.
Besides it’s only 100 feet from the bottom of my laneway.

I waited about twenty minutes before getting dressed for the outdoors and walked through the back but when I opened the outside door, I found myself staring at a sheet of ice all over the back yard.
While I was sleeping we got rain, then a cold front came in and froze it into a glistening ice rink.

I walked to the bottom of the stairs and reached out with my foot to test it to see if I could walk on it and I have to say that one would have to be a fucken moron to walk out there on this.
Slowly I stepped down and stood there with both feet gingerly shuffling towards the center of the yard when suddenly I got caught on the slope and begun sliding down the 100 foot length laneway towards the sidewalk.
There was nothing I could do but shuffle my feet around to try and stay standing and not fall to the ground because something told me if that happened, they would probably find me there in the morning frozen to the ground.
Not to mention I wouldn’t get my pizza and I was really hungry.

Being a big figure skating fan, I managed to get to the bottom after I successfully pulled off a double axel and a salchow that almost became a butt slam to the ground but got off with only slightly scuffing my knuckles against the wall.
I wonder how many points that cost me?

Now I was standing on the sidewalk, 100 feet up a slippery hill to my door and just as far to the pizza shop.
I could almost smell the double cheese double pepperoni pizza as I slowly slid my way towards the pizzeria; I live dangerously as you can see.
Up the steps I went and inside to find the new girl running around like madwoman because she was alone.
Sweat, was pouring off of her body.
She would have looked great naked, fuck the pizza then.

I told her I was there for my pizza and she said it needed another ten minutes and I told her it was ok, I’d just sit around and stare wait.
The phone was ringing off of the hook and she was making the food and taking orders.
I asked where everyone else was and she said that she would like to know too.
Seems they were all lost in the freezing playground and people were ordering food like crazy because I guess they weren’t dumb enough to try to navigate through this iceberg.

She finally showed up with my pizza, “BOOOOOO BOOO BOO”, and I wished her luck because it was obvious I wasn’t having any.
With a firm grip on the railing and balancing my pizza in the other, I started skidding down the stairs to the sidewalk where I glided for about four feet like a curling stone.
But I still was up and holding my dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza.

Now I was in the middle of the sidewalk and as luck would have it, facing in the right direction.
All that remained was 100 feet of wet ice and a wet slippery hill
Slowly I started shuffling my feet across the ice like a cross-country skier on snow or like Sally Struthers on the thigh master after 40 chocolate bars.

I had the pizza out in my left hand with my right out trying to balance my body as my feet slithered towards home.
Everything was going good until I got to a laneway that sloped down towards the street.
I stood there staring at it thinking.
“Man this looks fucken slippery”.

I realized I had to have a plan if I was to get by instead of slowly sliding off into the middle of the street to get hit by a car like the one the just did a loop de loop through the red light at the intersection.
So I figure that if I aim high and move as fast as I can, I should probably find myself sliding down to the other side where I want.

After adjusting the pizza in my hand I slowly turned upward and in a burst of speed I started polishing the ice as fast as I could while balancing the dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza up in the air like a symbol of triumph.
Fuck could I have used those guys with the brooms to clear my path.

I manage to get some distance up and closer to the other side before I began sliding down towards the street but I had good momentum and made it across the laneway without any mishaps.
It’s amazing that on a good day it would take me a second to cross it and now it was a fucken adventure.

I made my way to the bottom of my laneway and I looked up at it and I knew this would have to be a miracle for me to get back up there.
But I had to try.

Gently I reached out with my foot and there was no grip what so ever.
NONE, it was slick like a greasy chicken wing.
But I had to try.

I’d ask God for help but since I don’t believe in him, I’m out of that one lifeline.
I believe in Jesus and I’d ask him but his father might not let him talk to me.
So I figure maybe he has and I just have to remember what he said or did, then I think.
“Well, Jesus walked on water or did he”.
“Maybe it was melting ice and it looked like he was walking on water and all he had to do is a good balancing act”.
“The only question remaining is, was it up river he walked or down because this fucken river is up all the fucken way”.
What can I say; I had to try.

Trying to be as light as a 250-pound feather could be, not including the dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza, I started up.
It was rough going and I was just waiting for that moment where I was going down like a cheap hooker on a Friday night heels up first.
I don’t know how I did it but I got up to the first landing without any problems.
Filled with renewed hope I took a step and flipped back onto my ass.

Do any of you people know what a crazy carpet is?
It’s this flat piece of plastic kids use to slide down hills.
You know what else they make out of that same material?
Walker’s jacket.
My ass slid all the way down the laneway like a rocket.
Have you notice that something is missing?
If you guessed a dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza, you’d be right.
The pizza was 30 feet up the lane way sitting on the landing.

Now I’m hungry and with a wet pride.
So I started moving up the hill again but this time I was getting nowhere.
I don’t know if it was because it was more slippery now or if I was scared of busting my pride again.

I tried a couple more times but it was obvious it wasn’t going to happen.
It must have been half an hour since I picked it up and it was out there all alone and all I could do is stand there helpless.
And then, as I was rubbing my sore pride I remembered how I busted in once before then looked down towards the pizzeria.

I told the dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza not to worry; I would be back and began sliding my way back to the pizzeria.
Thirty minutes later I was back with a new sense hope of success.
I called out to my dbl dbl PCP so it knew I was back.
Anyone sliding by would have thought I was on PCP.

Reaching inside my coat I pulled out a bag and two cans of coke from inside it.
I opened the first one and drank most of it in one gulp, then almost burped myself into traffic.
I finished the can in two more shots then opened the next one and it took me a little longer to drink that one but I had to try.
When both cans were empty I crumpled them up to get some sharp edges then dropped them to the ground and stomped on them until they were formed to my running shoe.

I looked at that dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza and started moving up.
I had to be careful because if a stepped on a smooth part of the can I would probably break my neck.
I got to the first landing and grabbed the pizza then moved to the side where there was some snow and stomped through that’s to get closer to the door.
At the end of the snow bank I used it to push off and grasped the railing and the stairs to my place as I was sliding by.

Finally back in the house I plopped on the couch, still fully dressed and opened the box to savor that first bite.
I sat there looking down on a Hawaiian pizza.
I hate Hawaiian pizza.

Have a nice first day of the Year



Aleta said...

I loved this post! And now I know why you don't appreciate the snow and cold. Lol. I wouldn't want to deal with ice in the likes of that. Good idea with the coke cans, but ohhhh, so sorry about the Hawaiin pizza.

3 Magpies said...

I don't much like snow or ice, but I LOVE that song! I saw him in concert (he did not sing Slip Sliding Away)about 15 years ago in Nashville Tennessee. It was an awesome concert! Mellow and very little public drinking. It seems his fans were mostly pot smokers. (Not me, but I did get a little buzzed from the second hand smoke! lol)

Puss-in-Boots said...

After all that and the dbl dbl pepperoni turned out to be a Hawaiian bad is that? Poor Walker...did you go back and get another pizza? (Smirk). Happy New Year to you, too.

Anonymous said...

This brought back many memories of my adventures in the snow when I worked at the ski resort. I always ate my pizza at the pizzeria. No way was I silly enough to try and take it ANYWHERE. I figured if I was going to get home in one piece I needed both hands unencumbered by ANYTHING.

Very funny story to kick off the year.

Peter said...

G'day Walker, you were just shit out of luck, to use an Aussie expression, to get a hawaiian pizza instead of your dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza.
Great stratergy for getting home though!!!

Sally said...

I don't like that kind of pizza either! hahaha

Boy, you sure had a time! I will say this, though, it DOES snow, sleet and ice here. Yeah, one time!! 1989 hahaha

I remember it so well 'cause I was out of smokes and was the ONLY person walking to the store; no cars on the road, the bridges frozen over, etc. The clerk was so glad to see another living person, he gave me a cup of hot chocolate. :)

Scarlet said...

I had such a different version of "slippery pepperoni" in my head ...


Sorry about your pizza ... and your arse! :D

poet said...

hey walker, my friend. thank you for thinking of me; the mailed card. appreciate it very much and stopping in to the hideaway. i have not had a lot of time of late. but will vow as one of my resolutions, to get back into my blog, and to visit my blogpals around the world. take care...hugz, poet.

Bud said...

Highly inventive! But I would have sampled that pizza long before the first trek across the glacier. Why does anyone eat hawaiian pizza anyway?

ssgreylord said...

move to arizona with us, walker, and you'd never have to write another post like this again...

Raggedy said...

You didn't have to try to be funny pepperoni boy you were...lmao....
Sending you skates, cleats, and maybe some
Your nekked pizza babe was wearing a leis! Bring her one when you next visit maybe a pineapple too! Missed ya babe!
Smiles & Xtra Huggles
(=':'=) huggles
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Walker said...

Aleta: I have had my fill of snow and ice over the last 40 years.
I think there is more snow and ice now than there has ever been but it wasn't going to stop me from my pizza

Walker said...

3 Magpies: I would love to see him perform and i am surprise i haven't as i have seen most of the old acts but hey who knows.

Walker said...

I ate the pizza and picked out the pinapple bits

Walker said...

Romany Angel: If was a restaurant i would have ate there but i figured it would have been harder to walk back 2 pounds heavier and with the street slipperyer

Walker said...

Peter: Home is where the heart and chili peppers were LOL

Walker said...

Sally: I wish it snowed one every 20 years here but we wouldn't be the Great White North if it wasn't.
Can you imagine what the Negros thought when they were escaping the south through the underground railroad only to find out qwhen they reached here that they were in the Great White North

Walker said...

Scarlet : Oh I know what you thought alright :P

Walker said...

poet : Just because you don;t blog as much doesn't mean we aren't still friends :)

Walker said...

Bud : The only thing I wanted to sample is the pizza girl LOL
I normally don;t have a problem but this was the third time but at least there was bacon on one of the last mistacks ;)

Walker said...

ssgreylord: Sounds good to me and i bet its noce a warm there in the winter compared to here :)

Walker said...

Raggedy: WOOOO HOOOO You're back.
Its ben to long.
You;'re just laughing at my clumsyness ;)

PBS said...

Oh I so hate walking on ice! It's been freezing cold then dumped on by snow, then freezing cold again--over and over around here. I'm already sick of winter, both cold and snow. Funny story but too bad it turned out to be the wrong sort of pizza after risking life and limb for it!

dan said...

That damn pineapple.

Luka said...

That was hilarious! Poor you, though - the things you have to go through just to get fed!

Happy New Year - hope 2009 brings you fewer Hawaiian pizzas and more of what you want!

deni said...

All I have to say is..


Oh, and I wish I had been there to video you sliding down the hill on your keester!


Just telling it like it is said...

Did I tell you how much you turn me on...did I say that outloud...Ohhh your the man!!!

Michael Manning said...

Hey Walker...Happy New Year! And I am forwarding this post to Tonya Harding!! :D)

Walker said...

PBS: I would risk my life for a dbl dbl pepperoni cheese pizza any time but not for a hawaiian one unless it came with that pizza girl ;)

Walker said...

dan: Yes but I guess it could be worse. I could have slipped and landed on a pinapple.

Walker said...

Luka: Thank you, yes, less hawaiian pizza and more hawaiian leahs :D

Walker said...

deni: If you were there you;r be sliding on your backside to :P

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: Just admit it, you want a piece of my pizza

Walker said...

Michael Manning: NO NO NO I have knee problems alread.
Give her Bobby Orr's address.

Megan said...

Hey Walker if somebody already asked this, sorry but I didn't read all the comments -- Why the fuck didn't you sit and eat your pizza in the pizzeria?????


Walker said...

Megan: Because it is a take out pizzeria and no place to sit and eat besides I'd rather sit back on my couch and enjoy it at my liesure.

Just telling it like it is said...

I like big slices...You found me out!!!

Leon Basin said...

That sounds good!!!

BikerCandy said...

OK...this Texas judge will give you a 5.9 for effort alone! Love this story...especially reading it today as I gingerly skooted across the frozen parking lot this morning coming into work in high heel boots. Oops...I guess I didn't pay too close attention to the weather. We got that freezing rain last night too.

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: You're just a hungry little lady with a big appetite ;)

Walker said...

Leon Basin: The pizza or getting my ass waxed ? LOL
Thank you for stopping by.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Me and the ice hate each other.
There has not been one year in my life that i haven't magled myself.
A couple of years ago just infront here and slipped and moved so fast i spun around and forgot the one planted leg still pointing in the other direction.
I thought i ripped the fucker off but it wa only a sprain.

Monogram Queen said...

Here I am trying to figure out a way to get near some snow and you are kvetching about it! LOL

nachtwache said...

LOL! Where's that promised global warming when you need it?! Our snow is pretty much gone, just a few mounds here and there.