blue moon (2)

Friday, December 05, 2008

Spin Cycle ©

You know, for a moment last week I saw something nice amidst a bunch of bullshit that's been happening.
My brother called me and asked if I wanted to buy a washer and dryer for a couple of hundred bucks.
Seems someone he knows got divorced and they had a six-month set they wanted to get rid of.
I was looking to buy a new set this spring so I told him they were sold.

The other day they arrived next door at my mother’s place.
It seems my brother presented them to my parents instead.
Was I disappointed?
Yeah, I was.
Was I pissed?
HO yeah I was and they knew it.

Oh I know what happened.
As soon as they saw them, they wanted them, but they had a consolation prize for me.
Their old set.
For free of course and they throw in a bonus headache later when I said, “Fuck that I’m buying a new set”.
I left them along with my brother and his handyman friend to deal with the units and went back home.

My parents flipped out and my mother put on her best Fred Sanford imitation but you can just call me Lamont because I told them flat out, NO.
I’m not going to bust my ass hauling over two antiques so they can breakdown six months down the road and I have to lug them back up those steep basement stairs.
I’ll get a new set and have the delivery guys bust their balls.
They called a couple of times to hear me say no over and over before I hung up each time.
Yeah, I stopped giving in to the crap a long time ago.
I spend enough time fixing fuck ups.

So I lay back on my couch and watched “Wanted” with Angelina Jolie.
Yup, I’d let her kill me if she let me choose how.
As I lay there watching Angelina’s tattooed butt walk by the screen I could hear banging coming from next door.
I figured they couldn't get it past the door jam and were removing it.

There was this great car scene in the movie where they left all sorts of damage and mayhem in the streets.
That’s about the time I hear what sounded like a saw coming through the wall.

Angelina’s character was hot in this movie, you just want to lick up inside one thigh and come down the other.
Maybe stop some where in the middle for refreshments.
I had to turn the volume up to drown the screaming coming from the other side of the wall.
Then there were some earth shattering vibrations pulsing through the wall before everything went silent.
I guess they got the washer/dryer downstairs.

As I watched the movie the phone rang, it was my brother.
He wanted me to go next door.
Yeah so they can gloat about the new washer/dryer.
I told him to fuck off and hung up.
The phone rang again and he was insistent I go next door right now.

I put the movie on pause and I went next door.
I walk into the kitchen from the back and I see my mother sprawled across her little couch with her hand on her hip clutching her chest gasping for air.

My father was frantically vacuuming the carpet while using every swear word he knew.
My brother was standing at the kitchen doorway doing a bad job of hiding a dryer while his handy man friend was quickly trying to get to the door and out.
My brother said something came up and he had to leave and I had to get they dryer down stairs then bolted out the door.
For the record my brother is 44 years old.

I ask my mother what’s going on.
She said she was going to die.
I ask my father what was going on.
He said everyone is a malaka.

Seeing as they were so cooperative I walked past the doorway and the dryer to the stairs leading to the basement to see what was going on and I just stopped there
I wanted to turn and run.
These houses are eighty years old with original moldings and they had taken a sawzall to the molding and cut it in half.
Then they had smashed down the drywall and the plaster wall behind it all the way down to the ribbing because the dryer didn’t fit downstairs.

My father was pissed big time.
My mother told me to fix everything.
She never asks me she tells me.
I stood there looking at two major appliances in her hallway and her basement stairwell was shattered.
I picked up the measuring tape and measured the width of the dryer.
It was 28 ½ inches wide.
I measured the width of the stairwell the way it was now and it was 27 inches.
Even with what they removed there wasn’t enough width to get it down so why did they smash everything when all they had to do was measure it first.
My father said the handyman measured it and said it would fit.
That’s what he probably said to his wife too before she married him and she’s still looking for it.

I told them there was nothing I could do at that moment seeing it was 11pm but I would come by in the morning and think about it.
I went back home and I wishing I could just run over my brother.
It doesn’t have to be a big car.
A Hummer.

In the morning I went next door and both my parents were sitting there waiting for me.
The dryer and washer were in the hallways till each on a dolly.
My mother told me that my brother called and said for her to tell me not to be rough as to not scratch the appliances.

WTF is he talking about.
The stairwell is two fucken inches to small.
How do I get it down there without scratching it?
It was 11 am and I sat at the desk staring at the dryer.
The washer was only 26 inches and would go down but the fucken dryer was the problem.
I sat there staring through 30 or so bottles of booze from the bar my mother had to empty because it needed to be moved to bring the dryer and washer down.

I sat there reading the labels and thinking then reached out and grabbed a glass and poured two fingers of brandy in it.
Normally my parents would be freaking out but they know I don’t drink much any more and they wanted those things out of the hallway.

Taking my glass I walked to the dryer and look around it closely then I put my glass on the top of it and went to my place and came back with my power tools and toolbox.
Over the next hour I slowly and methodically took apart the whole fucken dryer right down to the fucken motor.
I took the top, sides and back off then pulled the drum and all of it.
It was apart and I had all the screws in little piles in the order and panel I had removed them from.

They were all lined up on the counter and were the different parts.
Now I was ready to bring the dryer down by myself without two twits helping me and I started bringing it all down in the opposite order I had taken it apart so I could build it more easily.
While I was bringing all of that downstairs my father decided that he was going to help and piled up all the screws together in a coffee cup.
I could have killed him and he knew he fucked up because I could see it in his eyes.
I know he wants to help and show he is still good for something but I would rather he helped at what he is good at and fixing thing is NOT one of them.

It took almost three hours for me to get it put back together again because I had to sort out all the fucken screws again and when I was done I plugged it in and it worked.
When I turned my father was right behind me and he held up his hand and had one lone screw pinched between his finger.
“Where does this one go he asked”?

I just spent four fucken hours putting together a dryer three of those hours under a heating vent.
I took the screw for his fingers and tossed it in the garbage and told him that’s where it goes then went back upstairs.

I stood there taking a sip of my brandy and looking at the washer.
The hose needed to come off for sure but it shouldn’t be a problem so I put my glass on the counter and pushed it to the head of the basement stairs.
I asked my father if he was sure he was up to it.
I was going on the bottom so most of the weight would be on me but I would need some help.

He said he could pick it up by himself and carry it down if I wanted.
No, I just want some help, thank you.
With my mother standing behind my father yelling down at me to make sure not to scratch the washer I got in front of it and told him to slowly move it down until I could feel its weight on my shoulders increase.

It was here my father decided to remember he is 80 years old and let go telling me his hands were not as strong as they used to be.
Yes, I needed to find that out right about now with an anchor I can’t hold bearing down on me.
I used the steps in my favor while my father shouted encouragement.
Throwing me steroids would have been better.
At the bottom I got hung up on the drainpipe so I put my back into it and raised it up then carried it the last ten feet to the basement floor.

My father yelled, “you done it”.
My mother yelled, “did you scratch it”.

I packed up my tools and stopped in the kitchen long enough to shoot back the brandy left in my glass and got to the door before my mother said, “When are you going to fix the wall”?

There’s always a tomorrow.

Have a nice weekend

Walker

35 comments:

Romany Angel said...

I think even I would want to kill your brother Walker. He always manages to do a vanishing act as soon as things get hairy. So what ended up happening to the dinosaur washer and dryer?

Monogram Queen said...

Yes please do tell what happened to your parents old Washer and Dryer - perhaps your brother is stuffed in one of them bobbing along in a canal somewhere????

One can hope.

Rainbow dreams said...

oh my goodness... there is something so reassuring about hearing about other peoples families :) You were remarkably calm...

Megan said...

I'd bring you Angie if I could. We could share her.

Walker said...

Romany Angel The old set is sitting in a corner of their basement as spared which means they will stay there for the next forty years until the rust and disappear LOL

Walker said...

Monogram Queen : We can put him in the dryer and send him over Niagra falls to see if he gets wet HA HA HA

Walker said...

Rainbow dreams: Trust me. I wasn't calm and there was alot of yelling and screaming everytime my father tried to help me LOL

Walker said...

Megan: Sounds good to me. I'll supply the seatbelts ;)

Luka said...

You always stay so calm! I'd be in a total spin (heh - do you see what I did there?)

INNER VOICES said...

*hands over keys to 20 ton excavator*
its bigger than a hummer and when you are done you can dig a hole to fill in.

itisi said...

Ummm......Walker?
It would have been easier to say yes in the first place, don't ya think?

Hey, I'm just sayin!!!

Your poor aching back.

Bud said...

Jesus fucking Christ! That's some very high maintenance family you have there. I wonder who will kill the other first.

3 Magpies said...

Being in your family is a full time job, isn't it!?!? I enjoy reading the trials and tribulations of your life. Mine so pales in comparison.

Enjoy your weekend!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Send your brother over here and I'll introduce him to one of our most poisonous snakes. You'll be rid of a F..kwit and the snake won't need to eat for a year.

PBS said...

OMG hopefully tomorrow WILL be better! And how fair is that: you get to install the appliances that you were supposed to own?

Cece said...

Suzanne told me to come here, and naturally, I do whatever she tells me to do. Your family sounds lovely. I sure hope you did not scratch the washer. It would be such a shame if your mother had to wash clothes in a scratched up washer. No wonder you like to hunt and kill things. Trust me, we all have one or two in our families that we could life without. Some of us have more than others. I hope this weekend is better than the last one.

Peter said...

Now there are 3 things in life that are certain... Death, Taxes, and your family.

mrhaney said...

when ever i am feeling sAD I JUST COME HERE AND ALWAYS GET A GOOD LAUGH .WHEN I MARRIED MRSH. WE LIVED IN SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA. I WAS IN THE NAVY AT THE TIME. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE NAVY WE MOVED BACK TO MASSACHUSETTS WHERE I WAS BORN AND WE LIVED THERE FOR TWO YEARS. THE JOB I HAD AT THE TIME WAS NOT WORKING OUT SO WE MOVED BACK TO CALIFORNIA AND THAT WAS NOT WORKING OUT SO I TOLD MRSH. TO PICK A STATE AND WE WOULD MOVE TO IT. WE HAD STOPPED IN GA. ON THE WAY TO CALIFORNIA TO VISIT HER UNCLE AND MRSH. SAID GA. WASN'T A BAD PLACE SO WE MOVED HERE. MOVINT TO GA. GOT US AWAY FROM OUR RELATIVES AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE A BLESSING FOR US. WE GOT AWAY FROM OUR RELATIVES AND GOT TO LIVE OUR OWN LIVES.
I WISH YOU GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR RELATIVES .

Walker said...

Luka: I'm not really calm just to old to have a heart attack.

Walker said...

INNER VOICES: You can't bury an inkblot LOL

Walker said...

itisi: No, they have to suffor evwen i have to surrer atfter. Its the only pleasure i get even if i have to pay for it

Walker said...

Bud: No will they love each other and fighting like this.
This is us, the average immigrant family bridging two gernerations and the 20th and 21st centeries.
Its like being stuck in a time warp and living in two different worlds.
They came from a time of the horse and a simpler life to the high speed complicatred life we now live in.
Its like going 150 miles an hour and then slamming the brakes one as fast as you can so you could smash your face on the windshield.

Thats my world

Walker said...

3 Magpies: Yes it is and my entertainment to ;)

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: send a snake to deal with a snake. would be interesting to see who runs away screaming first LOL

Walker said...

PBS: Yeah I know, fates a bitch

Walker said...

Cece: There wasn't a single scratch.
He didnt say anything about dents though HA HA HA
Suzanne makes a good traffic cop
Thank you for stopping by.

Walker said...

Peter: I wonder which is more dangerous lol

Walker said...

mrhaney: Being away from family helps you make your own world but it doesn havwe its disadvantages liek when they need your help and you cant be there for them.
Sacrifices have to be made and you made yours to achieve what you have and you both did great

Just telling it like it is said...

Usually when you talk about screw and 3 hrs it is under different presences...but you have to admit they always give you great material to write about...sorry for your troubles but your a good son...;)

Suzanne said...

I love your parents and brother and I love you and your stories. God I adore this place. I also found out you know Magpie!!! Too funny!

So, is the washing machine level? You remembered to level it, right? Well, you can always use IV's excavator to pound it into submission. *Rolls eyes in head.*

Love you dear and thanks for the laugh.

XO

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: Their troubles is my life it seems and yes they keep me supplied with material.
I would rather be screwing something else for 3 hours instead of a dryer too

Walker said...

Suzanne: I'm happy you're laughing.
I thought everyone knew me? LOL
I like like stopping by her blog too.

gab said...

Oh man walker they didnt even ask if you were ok! Im glad you were able to figure out how to get them down there for them as I know you are like me even when your parents piss you off they are still your parents and you will help them to their (or your) dying day! Siblings can be a real pain I know.

BikerCandy said...

Well, your brother just never ceases to amaze me. You are a good son for doing that for them. I'm not sure I would have!

nachtwache said...

And you don't drink much anymore because of your health, I take it? Your family is enough to drive a saint to drink!
"Don't scratch it" and your dad put all the screws together; oh boy, you're nearly a saint for still helping and fixing your brother's screw ups. I know you'd object to being called a saint :)