blue moon (2)

Friday, December 19, 2008

Oops ©

My aching bones are trying to tell me something.
How much of it is age and how much is me not willing to grow up I wonder?
This last week has been a pain in the back mostly that started last Saturday when my SIL called to ask me if I could give her a hand.
I got to learn to say no to people but then again how can I.

It’s been a madhouse around here with Christmas on the way and the weather being just a fucker and crapping snow on us for days.
Saturday we were out there fighting back the white plague sweeping across the Southeast Ontario, Northeast United States for those of you down there who have been eating are leftovers.

No sooner had I come in and settled down to get some rest, the phone rang and it was my SIL outside needing a favor.
Who doesn’t need a favor?
I need someone to kneel in front of me and inflate my butt a little to fill my jeans back there some.

I put on my coat and go outside to the van and she said she needed help with a gift her daughter bought for her boyfriend.
Uh huh and why am I, out here again?
I mean it not for me.
She says she needs to leave it at my place until Monday when they can bring it up the street to her place and wrap it.
Oh yeah, it’s starting to sound like a George Thoroghgood song already.
I told her it was fine to leave it at my place until Monday and we walked to the back of the van where she opened the hatch and there was this long box about 7 feet by 2 feet and six inches thick.
WTF did she buy the boyfriend, a fucken pool table?
The SIL said there were these two scrawny guys back at the store that barely got it in.

I grab the box and yank at it and I couldn’t budge it.
How fucken scrawny were those guys?
I mean I couldn’t move it at all.
So I leaned forward and grabbed it with both arms then pull as hard as I could but barely budged it.
I’m not exactly a little guy but this thing wasn’t going anywhere and those scrawny guys were quickly becoming my superheroes because I couldn’t move it the damn thing.

Now I have an ego like any other person who runs into a roadblock and I REFUSE to give up.
So I jump in and start wrestling with this behemoth of a box with an audience standing there watching.
My SIL, her daughter and my niece are lined up on the snow bank watching me crawl all over the box like a lover but in the end I was the only one getting screwed.
I pulled, yanked and pushed until in the end I fell out of the back of the van backwards and into the snow.
I started to wonder how heavy this thing was so I took the end and lifted it and I could lift it with some effort as it was heavy but why wasn’t it coming out.
Not wanting to give up I walk around to the front thinking I could push it out the back and try dragging it in from there.

At the front I open the door and look at it from there then I turned to the SIL and called her over.
When she comes next to me I pointed inside the van then asked her what that was.
“OOPS”, that’s what she said.
OOPS is when it slips out of your pussy and rudely goes up your poop shute making your eyes pop out, that’s oops.
That’s a fucken seatbelt tied to the other end of the fucken box that’s what that is, not OOPS.

Ok, NOW we’re talking business.
I unwrap the seatbelt then strut to the back, grab hold of the box and pulled……
I thought my balls hit the streetm, not the box.
WTF was in this box and I leaned it up and read the side.
A wardrobe?
I’m thinking, besides where my balls are, I’m thinking whom fucken buys a wardrobe as a gift for their boyfriend.
So I look at the SIL and ask her what the deal was and she says it’s for when her boyfriend comes over so he could put his clothes in.

That’s another thing, here’s a seventeen girl whose boyfriend comes over then stays for a couple of days and share the same bed.
I’m trying to think what my father not to mention my mother would say if I brought women home to fuck at that age.
Hell, what am I talking about; even now I think they’d kill me.
I don’t think I’d like my sixteen year old bringing home guys and fucking in the room all night while I was sitting there watching TV.
Maybe if he had a cute mother and brought her along I wouldn’t complain, much.

Anyway, I’m thinking she’s a smart little wench if you think about it.
She buys him a wardrobe for Christmas, one that she will be keeping in her room at her place and if they ever break up she still has it.
So……..where’s the fucken gift.
It’s not like it weighs a pound and he can tuck it under his arm and run to the hills but 360 pounds because I WEIGHED THE MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!

They can put a man on the moon but can they make lighter particleboard, NO!!!!!!
Instead they make seven foot tall wardrobes that weigh over 300 pounds then stick it in a flat box in pieces making it look small so some seventeen year old could come by and buy it so some guy with no relation to her could get a hernia trying to carry it.

I tried carrying the box but it was just to heavy for me and when I was about to conceit defeat my 81-year-old father walked out the door and wanted to help.
You think I’m an idiot for thinking I’m still twenty, he thinks he’s 20 too so that means two idiots are going to try and carry this thing into my house which involves going over a snow bank, up a 30 foot walkway then climbing five steps, across the porch and into my place.
Piece of cake, until we got half way and my father said he couldn’t hold it any more.
The SIL ran to his side to help and hooked her Cs under the box but the implants only look firm and stretch like rubber bands when any weight is added so I found myself waltzing around with a giant Walker swatter trying to make me thin again.

It was about here I felt a sharp pain like a hot knife in my back.
For a split-second I thought it was acid flashbacks of when I was with my EX but then I saw the box coming down on me as I fell against the stairs and reality set in before the splat.
My father jumped on the box to save me but all he did was grab his chest and add another 220 pounds to my misery.

Why is it when you are lying on the ground with 500 pounds squashing the snot out of your ears someone walks up and asks if you’re OK.
I mean it should be evident by the thrashing left leg that there is a problem.
So the SIL jumped on the box to pull my father off then they both raised the box about two feet off of me before they lost it and it finished me off.

I lay there thinking how nice it would be in Hawaii on the beach with a bunch of native girls in grass skirts dancing around right then and there.
Do you think they wear panties under them?
It’d be fun trying to look through the blades of grass to find out.

After lying there to catch my breath daydreaming we all pushed the box up and I along with it.
I found that as long as I didn’t bend over it didn’t hurt but if I moved to bend over, a sharp pain shot through my brain or my ass, whichever you prefer.
We had it upright now and slowly went up one step and a time and we pushed, dragged, kicked and what ever it took to get it to my door.
I opened the house and we shoved it in.
Everyone left and I went to the couch to die.

Two days later I’m at my doctor’s office and in between his telling me about his up coming trip to sunny Florida, (I hope it rains for two weeks) he tells me I have torn the muscles in my lower back.
I’m looking over my shoulder at the mirror to see how he can see a torn muscle but I couldn’t see anything but the half naked woman tattooed on my back.
Nice tits.
I guess he has x-ray eyes or something to see what I couldn’t see and a good thing to because if there was a tear there, I’d look funny with a kidney hanging out.

He tells me I should get one of those gizmos that sends electric shocks through your muscles to help them heel faster.
I told him I would look into it but I wasn’t keen on the idea of blowing a couple of hundred dollars on one of those especially around Christmas time.
Besides a couple of car batteries and some booster cables should produce the same results I figured, right?
As I drove home I remembered that my brother had used one a few years back so when I got home I called him and he told me where to get his.
I figure it was only fair since it was his old lady that caused it.

Packing it up I went back home to try it out and as I was leaving I met my brother on the porch so he followed me in and that's when he saw the box he asked what it was.
I told him it was a wardrobe then he asked me why I needed it and I told him it wasn’t mine.
He went to move it and he couldn’t budge it.
He said it was heavy then asked who’s it was so I told him.
Then he asked how she got it here and I told him in his van.
That’s when he freaked out.
He doesn’t like hauling stuff with the passenger van.
He’s anal that way.

After he had gone I pulled out the manual and read the instructions on how to put the electrodes on the part of the body you want to stimulate muscle movement.
This is supposed to make the muscle work out to get stronger.
I have never used anything like this before.
Cortisone is my friend that’s all I have known for years but I was game.

I put all six electrodes across my lower back and plugged them all into this little box that you wear on your belt so you can walk around if you like.
As soon as I figured it was on right I 5turned it on the lowest setting and waited.
I could feel a small tingle, nothing to write home about so I put it up a little more and now I could feel it working.
It was weird then way it made my back twitch.
Now you know I had to check the higher settings don’t you so I cranked it up a little more and now I was twitching all right but my back felt great.

I went to the mirror in my bedroom and was looking at how my back was moving when set on high when I noticed something else.
As I look in the mirror I could see my crotch twitching with each jolt.
Huh, go figure it works out every muscle.
So I put it back on medium just in case.
I don’t want to fry my little buddies.

After I was comfortable with it I lay back down on the couch to watch TV but wouldn’t you know it, the phone rang.
My brother was on the other end telling me to rush next door because my father was feeling dizzy then hung up.
I get up and go next door, my parents were sitting there looking shocked to see me.
I asked my father why he was dizzy and he said he wasn’t he just asked my brother to paint the inside of the cupboard for him because he gets dizzy spells but he said he couldn’t and to call me instead.
They told him no and not to call me and as soon as he got outside he used his cell and had me rush over.
Little fucker.
Little spoiled fucker.

I looked at the cupboard and told my father I would be back and I returned with a small sponge roller with a small paint tray I keep for just this reason then I sat down on the floor and it took me all of tem minutes.
It’s this shit that pisses me off.
He can stop for ten minutes and give a hand but he doesn’t want to, not that he doesn’t have the time.

They are both in they’re eighties and they bend over backwards for him but he doesn’t seem to care unless there is a calamity.
When I was done my mother asked me if I could go to the store and I was in the need of some outside air so I told her to give me her list and took off.

The store was busy, full of crazy shoppers but through all the bodies my eyes caught sight of one.
Tall full figured woman with red hair that would have set the countryside ablaze, with big and I mean BIG boobs coming right at me.
I slowly reached under my jacket and turned the gizmo to high………

I’ll be catching up on my work this weekend and all your blogs.
I miss, I need a little of your normal lives for a change, at least for this weekend.
I also want to thank you for your comments on my last post.

Have a nice safe weekend

Fuck, 5:30 am again.
I got to move someplace where my 5:30 am is 11:30pm so I could get some freaking sleep.

BTW it’s Friday and the wardrobe is still in my doorway.



Anonymous said...

That SIL of yours is going to end up killing somebody in your family one of these days. Just think...they will probably ask you to help them move it back to their place in time for Christmas. Repeat after me Walker.....NO NO NO....that's what you need to say.

I hope your back gets better in time for the big event.

Monogram Queen said...

Walker you have GOT to learn to say NO!! Practice "No" "No" "No"!

P.S. Did you really fall ass over teakettle in the snow???!!!

Sally said...

Oh yeah, they'll ask you to move it and then put it together!

So, you put the gizmo on high; hahaha! I want to hear the end of that story. :)

Take care, Walker of YOU, and of course your parents. I just don't know what they would do without you! ((HUGS))

BikerCandy said... know it's not a muscle right? Men always say it is, women say it's not! hee hee

I could almost feel your back pain as you described it. Ouch! Take care!

itisi said...

I am wondering why you just don't tell your SIL and her daughter to take the pieces out of the box and drag it home piece by piece. (Kinda like the dryer story you wrote about.)
I am thinking that you are having way too much fun with that electrical back fixer/crotch jiggler thingie! LOL
Just try to take it easy and take care of you!
Hope you make it through the holidays okay!

Fire Byrd said...

Don't know whether to laugh or cry, so instead I'm just sitting here with my mouth opening and shutting like a goldfish at your life.

Aleta said...

God help me, I laughed at the seatbelt part - it's something I'd do. And the muscle thing - hilarious. Only, not so funny, knowing that you were in pain. I hope you feel better. You defintely lead a life worth publishing!

Megan said...

Yeah, I am waiting too for them to ask you to build it. You know that's coming around the corner at you, right?

Feel better, darlin...

Boxer said...

Mister.... you need a vacation. Seriously.

Take good care of YOURSELF this weekend.

Heff said...

Age is a state of mind. GET YOUR AISS IN SHAPE !!!!

Walker said...

Romany Angel: Oh I know they are and t hats why I'm resting every chance i get.
I know what you mean and i will have to watch out none od us ends up in traction or worse because of her.

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Out the back and onto my keester ;)

Walker said...

Sally: I know they are going to but i have a plan ;)
Don't wait because i am to

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I don't care what itt's called all I know it it carries it's own weight and thats all that matters

Walker said...

itisi: A guys got to have some fun some how and a shock here or there spices up the day

Walker said...

Fire Byrd: Just laugh and let me do t he crying aand stop making fun of goldfish, they're sensitive you know.

Walker said...

Aleta: You just go ahead and laugh its what I like to do.
I laugh at my misfortunes all the time.
It sort of balances it all out in the end unless i smackl my funny bone then its a win win situation

Walker said...

Megan: I know she will ask.
Coming around the corner?
Hallie Berry with a bowl of sliced fruit in one hand and a bowl of melted chocolate in the other?

Walker said...

Boxer: I'm to tired to go on vacation but a pound of pot and some scotch would go a LONG way.

Walker said...

Heff: My ass is in shape, it's the rest that's falling apart.

This body has served me well for what I have done to it and now I'm told i need a new knee or suffer.
I have chosen to suffer because there's nothing like the real thing.

I've been in a full body cast and needed 2 years to be able to walk again and that was before i was killed.
Then I died by accident when i fell backwards 20 feet onto concrete steps and cracked my head open conferming my brain is in my ass and was able to survive the incident.
So I'm not really complaining about being unfit or being old for that matter but just happy that the bits are still together HA HA HA

Puss-in-Boots said...

Walker, has anyone offered you a gazillion dollars to make a movie of your life and your family? They haven't! I'm totally'd be a hit.

Peter said...

They sure are heavy suckers Walker, sounds like the One I got from IKEA, hope the back gets better quickly.

Just telling it like it is said...

I had no idea that it could fall out and hit the back door..
Ummm I'm feeling a little violated right now ..but I hope you feel better...:)

Anonymous said...

you and me both need some sleep me thinks!

gab said...

really Walker you do need to learn how to say NO or at least find someone to help! I use one of those elctroid thingys at my physical theropy sessions. good god Im tired. We are getting snow like crazy right now. YUCK! Take me to Hawaii with ya ok?

craziequeen said...

When I saw the dimensions I immediately thought 'coffin'... perhaps the 'Christmas Spirit' is getting to me..

Dude, you know how to say 'no, don't you? You just put your lips together and...say 'no'.

btw - I passed on the strip joint. I'm old and tired and crippled - I don't want to be be 'sad' as well..

Take it easy on your back, sweetie - you're not as old as you once were...even with the added help of your Tens machine :-)


mrhaney said...

if you want to listen to a sane post you better not come my way. i may explain that to you by way of an e-mail. let me just say this one word which usually will suffice ,kids, need i say more? i didn't think so. like i try to tell people i know, i am just a phone call away from my life turning in to shit.
while i am here though i want to say merry christmas and a happy new to you later my friend.

Scarlet said...

Well ...... if it's worth it, kill the bitch.

Bud said...

Do NOT move that fucker again. Jeezus!

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: No they haven't. They're probably scared to come to close

Walker said...

Peter: This one was frrom WalMArt but i am sure it was.
They are heavy and who needs soemthing that big anyway.
Looks like a large double coffin

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: Come one tell ther truth, you meant exitted

Walker said...

paulwchambers: I can't wait until the madness is over so i could sleep a week away

Walker said...

gab: We can go for 3 months and wear grass skirts.

Walker said...

craziequeen: You're never to old or croppled as long and you could dream and go for it

Walker said...

mrhaney: Yes Mr H kids are a pain in the we were.
Me anyway

Walker said...

Scarlet: LOL
Have you been shoveling snow?

Walker said...

Bud: Its still here and i am ready to drag it down there through the snow just so it would be gone

Michael Manning said...

LMAO as usual! This could be an HBO Series. Sort of a combination of "The Sopranos" and "Everybody Loves Raymond" (with a twist). ;D)

Lindi said...

Oh the weather outside is frightful.
Walkers electric back stimulator is delightful.
THe SIL has no where else to go..
F---ing snow, F---ing snow F---ing Snow!!!
It's been snowing here the whole dam day....cold front coming down from Canada...thanks for sharing!!

Peter said...

May not get back before Christmas....

Hope you and all your family have a great one, stay sort of sober!!!!!


i remember no meaning yes all the way back to junior high... the girls always said yes, err was it no?!?!?


its all the same man, if you say yes or no, you'll be doin it anyway...

have a normal holiday..

Rainbow dreams said...

Hope you get some rest over Christmas :) And hope your back feels better soon...
am catching up slowly with blogs...Katie

Walker said...

Michael Manning: The only twist i can see is my neck on a rope lol

Walker said...

Lindi: LAMO!!!!!!!!
You are very welcome and if you like and can shovel a little more your way for a whiter Christmas ;)

Walker said...

Peter: Thankyou Peter and I hope you have a great one with your familt and friends


Walker said...

INNER VOICES: I just got slapped alot.
That was a no with a punctuated yes and they wonder why we are confused today HA HA HA

Walker said...

Rainbow dreams: The rate i am going I wil get some rest on halloween but i will try and steal a minute or two here or there