blue moon (2)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Steaming ©

You know those people who believe when you die you come back as an animal?
After a close look at what has been happening all week I can honestly say that they have it wrong.
I now firmly believe that when an animal dies its punishment is to be reborn as a human.
I figure I was a mule and as punishment for a past sin, probably for jumping someone else’s donkey in a meadow was reborn as a human but to a Greek family so they could punish me every day for jumping that donkey.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I didn’t learn and go ahead and knock up some cow not once but twice.
Which definitely makes me a jackass.


That’s the worse thing you can ever do in your life.
It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female, RUN!

I went out to a pub one day with this chick and during the evening I see her arguing with some guy and later when I asked what that was all about she said it was her ex boyfriend and she hated his guts.

I tell her there must have been a time when she loved him and she said she hated him ever since she hurt her and made her bleed.
I looked at the guy and told her he didn’t look like a woman beater me but then again what do I know?

She then says he never beat her that he was the first one she had sex with that’s why she hated him.
Yeah but the bleeding and the pain is part of loosing your virginity I said to her and she said yes it was but the bastard still hurt her and she hates him for it.
According to her he was the worse sex she ever had to.

Being the curious type I asked how long they dated for and she said two years.
Ah, so she must have liked having sex with him if she stayed with him for two years after that.
Oh no she said, they dated for two years and she left him the day after they had sex.

Well, lets see now.
You only had sex once with the guy and it’s a world of pain and blood so I guess it’s the worse sex she has ever had with him because he never had a chance to show her anything else but who am I to complain.

So I’m sitting there thinking, my EX was a virgin when I met her and look at the hell I’m in now.
So whatever you do, don’t break in a virgin just leave it for someone else to be the scapegoat so you can enjoy the fruits of their labor.
If you really like that person and know she/he is a cherry, find someone you don’t like and talk THEM into it.
You know.
“Psst, I think she likes you and she a cherry so why don’t you go over there and be a man and suffer for the rest of your life”.

You can get rid of two birds with one stone that way and they’ll love you the day after, not like that other vile animal that violently deflowered them, especially if they had to do the laundry the next day.

My EX has been trying to play games with me lately but she’s loosing.
She still lives in the past and thinks the same way but her problem is that I don’t.
Once she used to use the kids against me and it used to work but now, now I don’t give a fuck.
Now my kids are 17 and 21 and they are adults in my book so if they want to come then they can and if they don’t then they don’t have too.
I don’t care and I sincerely mean that.

I watch parents being tortured by their adult kids and they succumb to the pressure.
They cry and beat themselves senseless and sell their souls financially and emotionally to their children’s demands.
I’m not that way.
I’ll help you move on but not help you become a toadstool.

My parents and probably many of yours come from a different world in time.
A world we call cruel today by our standards.
Our standards.

At 16 if I told my father I was going to kill myself he’d beat the fucken shit out of me for even thinking it.

Today if a kid tells a parent they are going to kill themselves the parent ends up in an insane asylum and the kid is selling your house and spending the money along with your retirement funds on pizza and videos.
Look at the Menendez brothers who killed their parents for their money.

Today you ask you kid to do some chores and they tell you to fuck off.
You get angry and raise your voice at them and they look you straight in the eyes and tell you if you go near them they will call child services to have you arrested for child abuse.

Can you imagine if I said that to my father?
He’d pass me the phone and tell me to call but to remember it will probably take them half an hour to get there and that’s if there isn’t a donut shop between them and us and by that time the charge would be murder not child abuse.

My kid said I don’t want to eat my veggies I said fine.
She said I don’t want my meat.
I said fine

I told my father I didn’t want to eat the stewed lamb intestines and he beat me over the head with the lid then sat there and watched while I finished my dinner.

My mother was the same.
I used to go to the mall with the kids and if they saw something they wanted they would cry and roll around the floor screaming until I bought it so they would shut up.
That was last week.

One time when I was a kid I wanted this GI Joe and my mother said no.
Now I had seen how some of these other Canadian kids used to drive their parents nuts until they got what they wanted so I started rolling around the floor having a temper tantrum like they did to get her to buy it for me.
To my delight I saw my mother grab that GI Joe from the rack and come to me but to my dismay she started beating me with it until I stopped my antics.

My parents still haven’t changes they still beat the shit out of me but now they use guilt instead of GI Joe.
Like the other day when they called me at 9pm and said they wanted me to steam clean t heir carpets at 11pm.

They didn’t even ask if I was busy and I told her that and they were taking advantage of me.

“Are you busy”.
“Then be here at 11”.

But that’s not the point, ARRRG!!!!!!!!

10:55pm the phone rings with a reminder that I have to be there in five minutes to wash the carpets in the kitchen and hallway including the foyer so that it would be dry in the morning when they woke up.
So I go to the basement and drag up the steam cleaner I saved from when I had the cleaning company.
Sometimes I wish I sold it.

We put it in the hallway for now and went to move the furniture from the kitchen
My parents use the kitchen at their living room so there is a lazy boy and a small couch in there along with an entertainment center, 32 inch TV, large hutch, a dinning table and four chairs.
So while my father contemplated what to do, I cleared out the room so he had nothing to think about any more.

Then I went to fill the steam cleaner and ask him for a hose but he said he didn’t have one then passed me a one-quart pot and said I could use that.
Do you know how long it takes to fill a twenty-gallon tank with a fucken one-quart pot?
Thirty minutes.

After I had the machine filled with water I asked the old man for the carpet shampoo and he said he thought I had some
WTF do I need carpet solution for?
I look around for my mother but she had snuck off upstairs.

You know, lately I have been trying hard to be positive.
Breathing deeply a lot and letting the energy disipate through my pores instead of GOING FUCKEN BALLISTIC.

I don’t know if this is a Zen thing but every time I breathe really out I need to pee.

Ok. I figure I was a professional cleaner/chemist/mad scientist who burnt down the divorce court by accident while stripping the floors with a combination of terrazzo solvent and ammonia with a dash of concentrated liquid stripper, (Who knew it was flammable) so I should be able to put something together to steam clean the carpets.
Turning to go back to my place I stand there looking at the kitchen table pressed up to the door piled up to the ceiling with the lazy boy and the four chairs.

Twenty minutes later I walk back in through the back door with a plastic container with a mixture I put together next door and poured it into the solution tank.
My father asked me what it was an I told him he needn’t know then put the plastic container and told him to go out and throw it on the neighbor’s roof next to the two diapers I put there a month ago.
As I was connection the hoses my brother walked in and asked if I was going to steam clean the carpet?
No, I just had the machine out to see if it was strong enough to suck my asshole through my dick.
He badgered my father for a bit until I asked him to help and he found an excuse to leave.

I poured some vinegar in the recovery tank so that it didn’t bubble over with suds; vinegar breaks it down then started it up and went to work.
The results were instant and the black carpet turned into beige before our eyes.
I was hoping they forgot when they bought it was white.

I soaked it down first then scrubbed the deep down stains and I’m happy to say that most came out and my parents shag kitchen carpet in now a Berber carpet.
They I moved to the hallway where they have grayish blue broadloom carpet through out the house.
There is a nice oak floor under it and my mother’s allergist says she shouldn’t have carpet but she was the one who wanted it to keep her feet warm.
The part leading to the basement was the dirtiest so I soaked it down a bit first and left to do the rest of the hallway.
As I was working my way back I looked up the dark stairs and I’m sure I saw a little old lady hiding deep in the shadows watching.
Then I got back to steam clean that section in front of the basement stairs and when I was done I thought it was clean but my father disagreed, so I did it a second and a THIRD time.
When he looked down at it and says it still looked dirty.
Well what the fuck does he want, it’s a freaking gray carpet; it always looks fucken dirty.

After finishing I shut the machine down and plopped onto the couch, I look at the clock; it was 1am.
As I was sitting there I noticed the floor around the carpet was soaked with liquid solution so I told my father to get me the mop so I can clean it up and while I was doing that he could empty the machine.
He goes off and comes back and hands me a fucken toilet brush.
WTF was this I asked him?

He said because my mother was short the handle used to bother her so she has my father cut down the handle to about three feet.
While my father was draining the machine of dirty water I danced around with the midget mop until I had all the water picked up and as I was turning my father stuck his hand to the bottom of the machine and pulled up this large clump of matted fibers that looked like one big ugly fur ball which strangely resembled Frick.
Hmmmm……..I wonder if I cleared out the filter last time I used it.

So remember, never break in a virgin or you will spend the rest of your life being hated and steam cleaning carpets in the middle of the night like a jackass.

Have a nice day



BikerCandy said...

You know I could really relate to this post. I was NEVER allowed to leave the table until I ate everything on my plate...and we had to put at least a little bit of everything served on said plate. I wasn't allowed to say "I don't like it." Uh-huh...not allowed. I can't even imagine throwing a fit even. My little sister did that one day with my dad in Sears when I was about 10 or 12 (she was 5). My dad picked her up by her hair and took her out to the car and beat the shit out of her...literally. She never did that again. Not only that but all the other people in Sears didn't even bat an eye, they just kept on going like it was perfectly normal for a grown man to beat the crap out of a 5 year old. My has time changed or what? Nowadays you can't even look cross at your child without someone threatening to turn you into CPS.

I think it was better the old way myself.

Pattimontreal said...

Hey Walker;

Wishing you season's greetings - you've got some snow eh? Will call you - all is well. XXPatti

Leah said...

I don't know, I had a hippie mom who kept us in line somehow without beatings. My dad was another story, but his way didn't work that well. Then again, as a grown-up, now I think I could use a good beating or two...

As for the virgins, you're not lyin'. I was hell as a virgin. I sobered up with the first blood on the sheets, but then tormented the deflowerer for several months. I'm much better as a grown lady with a lot of experience under my belt. Boy virgins are not much better though.

Hang in there, summer's coming!

Scarlet said...

I still have the broken wooden spoons and the stupid fucking hairbrush my Mother was fond of for our beatings.

The good old days, when you could beat your kid in peace .....

Of course, my son has already tried the emotional blackmail and I called his bluff .... I called the cops on HIM. He was 9.
He learned quick, Momma don't play.

Scarlet said...

oh, and virgins?
Let the muslims have them! :D

Luka said...

I can think of better ways to get steamy in the early hours!

Happy Christmas!

Fire Byrd said...

I'd be worried if I knew any virgins at my age unless there under 16 and I'm so not interested in jail bait!
Enjoy the holidays

Megan said...

I spoil my kid when I can but when I say no he knows I mean it.

I am pretending I can see the look on your face when you turned around to go out the door. It's making me laugh.

Merry Christmas!

celticgirl said...

I spoil my kids in some respects, too. They don't do the kicking and screaming thing, because if they did, they would never get anything.
My Dad seldom spanked me, but I knew that he would if he thought that I needed it, and that was enough to keep me in line most of the time.
I have deflowered a couple of virgins. They turn into stalkers and can't seem to get over you...My ex was my highschool sweetheart (I guess, if you can call him a sweetheart) and we have been apart ... 16 ish years. He STILL tells the kids that he loves me (although he screams at me about he hates me) and he has not been able to move on....
That is one flower that I should never have picked!

Have a great Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Hey Walker...I am really digging this

Once when my daughters were about two, we were in a department store and this kid was having a full on tantrum. You know the deal, throwing himself on the floor, kicking his legs, screaming etc. I quietly said to my girls "you see that little boy?" They both nodded, their eyes huge. They had never seen anyone do that before. "Well" I said..."if you ever do that to Mummy I will walk away and leave you in the store to walk home by yourself". That was all it took. I can honestly say my kids have never had a temper tantrum. They have whined and bitched and carried on to get their own way but never a tantrum.

Oh yeah....I have deflowered two virgins and both times were hilarious :)

I hope you and the Walker family have a fantastic Christmas and I thoroughly look forward to reading all about it. Take care my sweet ;)

Bud said...

I went to catholic school, man. There was no choice. But your point is well taken. Merry Christmas, Walker. I think that's a feast all about an alleged virgin birth or something.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I can understand trying things but I don;t believe in forcing kids or anyone to eat what they don't want to and I hated those temper tantrums. I left my eldest when she was 6 kicking and screaming in a store once and hid around a corner and when she realized i was gone she freaked.
She never did it again but now they have new ways which still dont work

Walker said...

Pattimontreal: Long time no hear you.
You have my number and address ;)

Walker said...

Leah: I can do weithout virgins, the blood and tears not to mention the I HATE YOU PART.
OH and the stalking . FUCK do I hate that

Walker said...

Scarlet: Nope i don;t have any souveneers from those days but my memories but then again i have a hard head and broke every broom that it hit LOL

Walker said...

Luka: Oh I know you can but just think how nice it would be rubbing that 10 foot long thick ribbed hose up between ......

Walker said...

Fire Byrd : I'm just not interested in teaching any more thats why i like them broken in and experienced ;)

Walker said...

Megan : When i turned around it took the wind out of my sails knowing I had to move it all first them oput it back but i did

Walker said...

celticgirl: I have been with three virgins and the headacks never ceased and the worse was the 36 year old.
She is currently puinishing the poor bastard that married her.

Walker said...

Romany Angel: With me it was the crying part.
I can't have sex when the person under me is crying up a storm streaming she is dieing and all you're doing is taking her coat.

Walker said...

Bud: I went to a cathiolic school to pick up girls because they were horny as hell abnd the nuns were MEAN!!!!!!!!
Have a Merry Christmas to Bud

PBS said...

My parents were really strict too. (Too much of the "zen thing" might not be good...)

ssgreylord said...

i love the way you tell a story, walker. your perspective always puts a smile on my face...

Monogram Queen said...

My kid has really been pulling my chain the past week.... I am determined not to become one of "those" parents that have one of "those" kinds of kids. Arrgghhhh