blue moon (2)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Friends, Beer, A Buzz, A Memory ©

I was sitting here earlier writing the post that should be here but is now on the shelf for another day.
I was sitting here when the doorbell rang.
I went to the door to find a couple of friends I haven’t seen in a long while.
They quickly came in so my mother wouldn’t see them.

These two and I have had some fun in the past and when my mother sees them she becomes that woman who can muster up the memory of every menstrual cramp she ever hand then roll it up in one big ball held together with the memory of menopausal and HURL it at you.
For me it funny watching two hardcore psycho sons of Satan scared of a frail 81 year old lady HA HA HA.

See, this is what I like.
Having a friend or friends stop by that I haven’t seen in a long while and catching up or shooting the shit about the past.
These two fuckers got me into a lot of trouble.
I don't know why I'm alive sometimes.
They say it's because we got older and wiser.
I say we got slower and can't run as fast as we used to so we have to think quicker.

One time, when I was thinking slower, they took me to this shit hole of a place in Nowheresville Quebec that was so far off the beaten path even the raccoons were collecting welfare.
Why were we there, because one of them was fucking a stripper that was working there?
It makes you wonder what she looked like to be working in this cemetery.
Well it might as well have been a cemetery the fucken sign said Population –789 when we drove into town.

We pulled up to this big wooden building that looked like a barn or Noah’s Ark upside down.
We walk inside, it had a western theme, or it was, a barn.
Dirt floor and all and when the waitress came by they even had cows or this was the owner’s mother.

How many of you have been to a strip club?
Raise your hands.


Now how many of you have been to a strip club where the dancer strips to Patsy Cline’s music?
What, only me?

See this is what I hated and still hate about going someplace far with someone else.
They’re driving and you can’t walk out and drive home.
We huddled up to the bar and this really old man came over and asked us in French what we wanted.
Fucken guy had his father working too.

We ordered a beer each, buddy asked the old man about his girlfriend and was told she was in the washroom changing.
Speaking of washroom.
This was the first place I have ever seen a porcelain trough to piss in instead of a urinal.
It’s a wonderful thing.
It’s like a communal bath.
Actually it more like a communal piss shower because when you have ten guys standing around with about 5 beers each worth of sudsy pressure pushing through that little hole at the end of the hose there’s spray flying everywhere and on everyone.
So do the ladies sit in the tough?
Well it’s a fucken honest question.
I can’t see them putting toilet seats on the trough.
We are talking about Quebec here so anything is possible.

Do you know they have language police there?
Yup, if they catch you speaking English in Quebec they beat you until your brain swells up so much the only thing you can do is think in French.
They beat a Scotsman once and the poor fucker has been speaking Russian ever since.

We sat at the bar for about half an hour before this blond bombshell walked out of the washroom.
Fuck buddy scored large.
She must have a wooden leg to be out here in this graveyard stripping I thought to myself.
She walked over and kissed buddy then came to me and said hi.

I almost fainted.
The woman had horrible breath.
How the hell could he kiss her?
Maybe she was dead.
Return of the dead strippers.

I offered to buy her a beer and she accepted, I figured it might mask her breath or at least disinfect her mouth if that was possible.
As we all sat there talking more strippers walked out of the washroom and before we knew it there were more strippers in the place than customers.
When the place was busy the strippers filled in as waitresses.
That’s if this place ever got busy.

At 6pm the music started and I wanted to die, I didn’t have a car to leave remember.
That’s when the girls started dancing and I almost fell asleep.
They were strutting their stuff and whirling around the wooden pole.
Yes a wooden pole.
I said the place had a western theme.
At least the girls got some wood every night between their legs.
It became evident early that we were not leaving because buddy wasn’t budging and it was his car so me and the other guy started hitting the Jack Daniels and dropping boilermakers.
Booze was so cheap back then it was ridiculous compared to today’s standards.
I could buy the bottle of bourbon for 30 bucks and have him pour until it dried up and it did, more than once too.

It didn’t take long for the owners to figure out that we were the party for the night and they let us get away with almost anything.
We did lines of cocaine on the bar and some of them were almost the length of it.
Back then we always had a couple of grams each to party with during the day and not that crap people bought off the street.
Cocaine was Montezuma’s revenge.
It wasn’t long before the girls needed their sinuses cleared and the party just grew and grew from there.

That’s about all I can tell you.
I’d like to tell you more but that’s all I remember until I woke up naked in single bed with a stripper sleeping on top of me.
Across the room there was another one sleeping in another bed alone.
I slowly rolled to my side letting her slip off of my body but she did wake up enough to tell me where the washroom was.

I stumbled naked down this small hallway to a room that should have been a closet but it was a washroom.
The toilet, I won’t describe the toilet.
I stood there trying to focus and aim to the center of the bowl then started pissing but nothing was hitting the toilet.
I opened my eyes a little more to look at the bowl as I was pissing but there was nothing there yet I could feel this heavy weight growing between my legs and as I looked down I could see a condom rapidly filling up.

How much fluid can a condom hold?
ALOT it seems as I found out when it almost pulled me into the sewer of hell along with it oh and one more thing.
When you release a filled condom it tends to spew through the opening when it lands.
The things you learn early in life help you in the future don’t you know.

After finishing in the washroom I went to the window and looked out to see buddy’s car gone.
What do you do when you’re stuck in a cemetery?
You go back to bed and lay down with the corpses again.

It seems that sometime during the party in the club I left with two strippers and went to the room that was provided by the club owners above the place.
Buddy took off for home with his girlfriend and the other guy had passed out earlier in the back seat of the car who BTW was still passed out back there when buddy brought his girlfriend back to work the next day and to get me.

Man those were wild times back then.
He tells me she still has bad breath even after 24 years, HA HA HA!!!!!!

See, this is the type of posts you get at 5 am after a half dozen beers, stoned on some good pot after reminiscing with some good friends about the past.

Have a nice day



jiggins said...

This is an f*in great post..

I love : "That’s when the girls started dancing and I almost fell asleep."

Im crackin up. I have some good stories and i loved that one. Thanks man!

BikerCandy said...

Good story Walker. Never a dull moment in your life is there?

Monogram Queen said...

It is fun to reminisce and I really enjoyed this post!

I think it would be fun to strip to Travis Tritt's "t-r-o-u-b-l-e" hehe...

a little fantasy of mine!

Scarlet said...

Stuck in bumfuck Quebec with a corpse?

I love your life Walker! :D

Scarlet said...

oh, and I AM proud of you for remembering a condom! ;) :D

Heff said...

God Damn, I need a beer after reading that. I'm exhausted !

Fire Byrd said...

I understand with tales like that why they didn't want to be seen by your mom!

Leah said...

Stripping to Patsy Cline is pure genius.

Aleta said...

Well you have lead a life and a half already! Loved some of the stuff in this post - like getting older and having to think faster. Lol.

And troughs to pee in? Oh, lovely. Makes me wonder what the women do!

And really about English?

Walker said...

jiggins: I have had some wild memorable times.
Even the bad ones i can laugh at today.
I'm just happy I could make a few people laugh along with me or at me.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: There are always dull moments. How do you think i got into trouble LOL

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Is that strip to or FOR Travis Tritt lol
When my friends and I gather we always try and laugh by jabbing each other over our past fuckups

Walker said...

Scarlet: I hate condoms and t hat's why i rather have a steady partner but they are necessary.
My life is what it is and i try to make it as fun as possible with getting tossed in jail if possible

Walker said...

Heff: Life is tiring when you try to live but a beer sounds good to me right about now

Walker said...

Leah: I guess you can dance to anything I just never heard or anyone stripping to country music.
I'm just happy they didn;t play "There is a tear in my beer".

Walker said...

Aleta : Its true.
When I was younger I wouldn;t back down from anyone or group and would probably throw the first punch and get the ball started but today.
Uh Uh
Today I look for a way to either turn them on each other or talk my way out of it.

Walker said...

Fire Byrd: My mother put up with alot of my antics when i was younger and still in some ways.
She freaks out when i say i am going out for a beer because she remembers being called by the police or hospital to tell her the bad news.

Boxer said...

I'd say it was a pretty good post! Anytime you write "and then the door bell rang." ... I pull my chair closer to the computer and know it's going to be a good read.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Now that was a good story, Walker. It's good to reminisce and at my age, I can't believe the things I did when I was young. I'd have killed my daughters if I thought they'd done the same things. They probably have, but are wise enough not to tell me...

having my cake said...

LOL at the urine water bomb :)

ssgreylord said...

... and you lived to tell about it... somehow i believe this is just one of many kinds of stories like these. only you, walker, only you...

mrhaney said...

there is just no telling where you will end up after a night of drinking my friend.have yourself a great weekend and i will talk with you soon.

Sally said...

Lord. :)

Walker said...

Boxer : Every time the doorbell rings i want to hide but the cat makes me open it

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: Mike and I sit here at times laughing because alot fo people don't believe some of the stuff we did because its so stupid or not possible but if it was stupid and impossible we did it LOL
I hope my kids don;t sdo alot of the stuff i did

Walker said...

having my cake: I doi today to but back that day i was packing heavy ;)

Walker said...

ssgreylord: Actually I bet alot of people have done most of the things i did.
I just did all at once all the time.
You;d think I;d learn but NOOOOOO
Three weeks later i was back up there HA HA HA

Walker said...

Sally: That's Dark Lord with the cool helmet lol

Carnalis said...

a wooden pole? i hope the poor girls avoided splinters in sensitive places

jiggins said...

Blog Award from Jiggins! Check @ con·tin·u·um for the details :) See you there soon!

Michael Manning said...

I'm not quite sure at what point that I had to remove my new glasses to wipe tears from my eyes from laughing so hard...Patsy Cline as background music in a strip club or "I almost fainted". Needless to say, renting a computer terminal in a public place, several people looked at me as if I were a moron. But as Jim Morrison once said, "Ah, what do we care. Right?" :D)

Megan said...

Ah, memories!

I just about lost my cookies at the 'peeing in the condom' bit.

LOVE you.

Walker said...

mrhaney: It the side effect of a good time.
One mionute you;re having fun and then you are on a spanish galion swabbing decks

Walker said...

Carnalis: That pole was so polished it was shiney as metal besides they probably have callouses from spinning on it so much so they could probably sand that pole smooth every time they go for a ride on it

Walker said...

jiggins: COOL, does it have three boobs, NO don't tell me, let me find out.

Walker said...

Michael Manning: If i am laughing and happy about it I don;t care what other people think. Let them laugh and everyone will be happy HA HA HA

Walker said...

Megan: I almost lost my cookies but i got it off in time ;)

Marco Crupi said...

Hello I really like your blog, I would like a link exchange with you, I insert your blog to my favorite blogs ;)

the address of my blog is:

Walker said...

Marco Crupi You just want to watch me struggle to remember my Italian LOL

Anonymous said...

Your mother must be made of stern stuff to have survived your antics all these years Walker. You certainly make the rest of us look boring.

Tammi said...

Verrrrry cute,Walker Talker!
Cuz depending on the tipper(the $$),I HAVE danced to Patsey Cline Mr.Funny Guy!!LOL
This is one of those posts that you HAVE to re-read more than once to get the FULL effect.(gigglin' my ass off).
So how do you think WE felt having to inhale the harshest cologne AND BREATH...but I suppose the difference is who is getting paid the big bucks to do the inhaling.Sometimes even the money wasn't worth gagging on that Lagerfield Cologne that some dude bathed in right before he came in the door.Yessss,I know there are Lagerfield lovers'(so forgive me for singling that one out),but too much of anything can gag you.
And Walker,the "NO TOUCH" rule was enforced at the place I worked at the longest,so I was grateful for that cuz when someone w/ dog breathe tried to reach out and plant a kiss on your cheek...well,that was a BIG no-no!
Not through gabbing...brb you funny funny man you!

Tammi said...

TAKE that BACK Micheal!hahaha
If you were tipping big bucks and YOU requested I dance to something like Willie Nelson,I would.
That never was my cup of tea,but hey! If it gets you digging a little deeper in those trousers,you bet cha'!
Wait!! Digging for MONEY in case I worded that wrong.(grin)

Walker said...

Romany Angel: No, none of you are boring.
I just live outside of the box which might be why i get in trouble alot LOL

Walker said...

Tammi: I'm not big on strip clubs but that said i have been to more than the average person because of one thing or another.
I don't believe in drooling over what i can't have so I iused to sit there and let my friends oogle but that got me even more attention for not giving it and the fact that i had what they liked to play with helped.
Those were strange years when we all had powdered noses and empty wallets in the morning