blue moon (2)

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Short days, Long Nights ©

I’m beat
But mostly tired.

Right now I am working on talking myself into smoking a joint but it’s a lot like work and ummm, I’m tired.

What would be nice is to lay on my couch and drift off to no where land where everything is the way i want it to be.

What would be even nicer, is if I had one of these in front of me.
Feeling the warmth emitting from the dancing flames as their shadows bounce around the dark room.


A bear skin rug in front of it would be perfect too.

What, did you think I was going to kill a bear to lay on it did you?
Fucken thing stinks when it's alive and probably reeks when it's dead.

Maybe some company to talk to would mellow me out.

Ah yes, I could feel the positive vibes washing all over me already.........

FUCKEN CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

The guys want to come over Sunday to watch the Grey Cup and play a little poker while they are here.
For those of you who don’t know what the Grey Cup is, it’s the equivalent to the NFL’s Super Bowl but with less enthusiasm.

We here in Canada have our own football league called the CFL or the NFL’s retirement home.
Two thirds of the players are either American players who aren’t on an NFL team or Canadians who can’t make the NFL and you can tell who the Americans are and who the Canadians are without looking at their names just by how they play.
You see Canadian football fields are ten yards longer and ten yards wider and the American players aren’t used to that.
Most of them think they are halfway to Kansas by the time they get to the sidelines to make the turn down field and that’s if they’re not passed out with their tongues hanging out of their mouths gasping for air half way there.
Canadian football players enjoy that part because they have the endurance to do it and that’s the only way they could catch them because they’re so fast.

So who’s playing this Sunday?
It’s the French Americans from Montreal against the English Americans from Calgary, I think the referees are Canadian.
Who do I think will win, Montreal because they eat more Poutine there.

So I had to go out and do some shopping to pick up supplies to feed everyone.
I knew I shouldn’t have shown these guys I know how to cook.
Every time I go shopping something happens.
A week ago I went to home depot to pick up some wood supplies and ended up in the plants section.
Just looking, it’s not like a need any more plants.
60 are enough…..
Damn I didn’t have one of those.

As I was BROWSING through the foliage I bumped into this lady looking for plants for new the condo she just bought.
See how people just tell me stuff?
She had a nice French accent Brigitte was her name.
One thing led to the next and well that’s another post but my point is weird shit happens when I go out.

Today I went to the SUPER STORE to pick up some stuff I will need and while I was buzzing up and down the aisles there was this lady who started talking to me in the baking section.
I’m easy to talk to so we chatted for about a minute and I beat it to another aisle.
About ten minutes later I am buying phylo pastry and I hear someone say,” What do you use that for”.
I turn and there she was behind me and this time there is a kid hanging off of her purse.
So I told her I was making Spanakopites for Sunday and had to explain what they were.
I did not have the time for this but I still did and made a hasty exit first chance I got.

Scooting down the main lane I cut back up to pick up some ricotta cheese from the deli and there she was again.
It’s like she was following me and this time there was a man with a shopping cart and the kid with her.
She stands in front of me and chats to me like we have been friends forever then introduces me to her husband as her friend.
We shake hands and I boot it out of there so I can get to the produce store.
Seventy bucks later and I am loading the trunk and as I closed the lid I hear yelling and there she was standing next to a van waving at me while her husband loaded the van.
I smiled and her then jumped in and made off like a jackrabbit with hemorrhoids.

Five miles away I pull into the lot of the produce store and get a cart then proceed to get the veggies I needed.
While picking through the spinach section I feel a tap on my shoulder and there she was with a big smile on her face along with a smiling husband and kid.


What a coincidence she said.
Uh huh, too much of one if you ask me for fucks sake and then I spent the next thirty minutes playing stay ahead of the Smiley family.
I got out of there so fast I forgot the fucken eggs and orange juice.
All the way home I stared out my rear view mirror top make sure I wasn’t being followed home.
My mother asked me why I was staring out the front window all the time.
You never fucken know who follows you home now a days.
That’s all I need, another family on top of the one I have now and definitely not one that NEVER stops smiling.

So yeah, I need some rest after that little ordeal.

Did you hear that?Must be the damn cat.Yeah, just lay here thinking in the darkness............I could use a.............HEY, that reminds me.

I thought you guys were supposed to be my friends?

Why didn't someone tell me about the blow job day.

Don't play dumb with me.Hold on, I have the ad here somewhere.......


Here we go.

Now who knew about this and didn't tell me?
Cum on I won't get mad.
You all know how much I like to participate in these events.
Just look, it was blow job day on September fourth and I missed it.
Hold on, that AD doesn't look right.

I hate censorship, I did say I was horny right?

You would think my American friends would tell me but no, they didn't.
They kept it a secret from me but I suspect they knew.
I saw clues.........

See what I mean?
It's right here in red, white and blue.
Everyone knew but me.

It's ok, I'm just not inviting you all to the Pussy Eating Day.
Yeah, you didn't know about that did you eh?
Yeah well I'm not even telling you WHEN it is or WHERE it is.
That will teach you.

Yup, it's being organized by the Eat Me Now Association Of Dripping Wet Hot Women.
"Eat Me Now", for short.

They are already in supermarket parking lots changing some of the parking arraignments to accommodate the new signage.
Along with the handicap and pregnant woman parking signs that are in the front, they will be adding these now at the back in case you get takeout at the market.

You can see it on women's chests.

On billboards.

Even in China it has caught on but I think they may need a little instruction.

No No not cow pussy!!!!!!!
Look at the billboard.
You can't eat bootleg pussy, it's not the same.
You need the real thing.
Ah those Chinese, they never listen, they always have to do it their way.
She'll probably be hungry in an hour again.

So, as you see, everyone is getting ready for the big day and I'm not telling you when it is.
In fact I am off to do some practicing myself so I will catch you later.

Have a nice day.

Are you sure that's ketchup down there?

I should just tie you to the roof of the car next car wash......


jiggins said...

Ahahahaha!... im crackin up at your honesty. Good stuff man.

itisi said...

Maybe Mr. Smiley is coming to your poker party...and Ms. Smiley is going to be the entertainment...hehehe



*scratches head and wonders why that seems a little wrong...

love the t-shirt girl, personal friend of yours?

Fire Byrd said...

Judging by how many women appear at times in your life should put them all end to end and get licking.

Scarlet said...

Mmm ..... tastes like chicken


*I already KNOW when Pussy Eating Day is .... SO LIMBER UP! :D

Megan said...

Doug Flutie played in the CFL. Flutie Flakes!!!

PBS said...

Ooh, good to hear about more holidays!

Monogram Queen said...

Walker you really need to warn me of these posts - i'm at work LOL

and gagging over the cow **ssy... BLECHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tammi said...

AS IF...I didn't ALREADY KNOW IT.....dammit,dude.You are officially---certifiably----if that's a word---undoubtedly fucking nuts!! hahahaha
But I must admit.....that old saying is sooo true"IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE"!!! and when you met up w/ the SMILEY family,I've had crazy,similar situations,becuz your alot like me....I'm friendly(to a fault)...some say flirty,but noooooo I really don't intend to come off that way.I just interact w/ ppl everywhere I go,and sometimes get followed back to my car....and then I think to myself "Girrrrlll,you might need to knock off the friendly shit sometimes" you would THINK I would have learned after being stalked in the striiper bizz.
BTW...Mr."Titt-Man"...I bet your parents NEVER get a dull moment around you,and are NEVER shocked at your antics....hee hee
Ahhhh...your a mess!