blue moon (2)

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Exposing Walker ©

Well, it’s been more than an interesting week filled with blood, angry people and cop cars with flashing lights for three straight days outside my house.
You know who the neighbors think is in trouble right?

Ah, fuck it.
I will tell you about all that insanity in Walkerville later on this week so let’s have some fun instead.
You know I have 100 posts rolling around in my head and I don’t know which one to write or if I feel like even writing any.
This time of the year seems to bring the craziness out of people for some reason.
Is it the planets or is everyone on the rag.

Have you seen the malls?
People are already out there buying Christmas gifts and we are running out of fucken time.
I remember when I could go out and shop the day before and get them to wrap it up but now, I’m lucky to find a parking spot by boxing day let alone now.
To make matters worse I have to take my 81 year old mother along with me because she hates shopping with my father and depending on how old the grease on the shopping cart wheels are will determine how fast shopping goes goes.
She had one with wobbly wheels once that shook her dentures out of her mouth half the time.
It was embarassing when they fell out onto the scaznner and they rang up $3.47.
You'd think she would turn red but instead she told the lady she paid 600 for them.

Remember when we were kids and our mothers took us shopping.
They used to pick us up and stick our legs through the two openings in front of the cart and push us around when they went shopping and how they made you feel like they were doing you a favor by taking you for a spin on the shopping cart when in reality they didn’t want you to find the really cool expensive toys and guilt them into buying it for you.
Now they just use those two slots to drop their tits through like trailer hitches attaching themselves to the cart.

There is nothing more dangerous than a shopping cart with an old Greek woman strapped to it with no brakes.
Do you notice how they say, “excuse me” after they barrel through you?

My mother hasn’t negotiated a turn into and aisle without hitting a corner in decades.
She starts turning at the pasta aisle so she can go up the dairy aisle three aisles down because she is going so fast and by the time we are finished at the cash she is wondering why the bill is a hundred bucks when she only went to buy a few items.
It might be because of the stuff that falls into her shopping cart from the racks she smashes into.

I shouldn’t complain about going shopping with my mother because there are benefits for me when we go together.
She’s always trying to buy me stuff even when I say no but then there are other times when I say yes,
Then there are times when my mother wishes she isn’t my mother and thinks I’m crazy.
Like she thinks I’m crazy to ask a woman to try on clothes for me.

You know like you’re at Wall Mart and you walk up to a woman in her thirties and say, “Excuse me”
“You are about the size of my girl friend“.
“You even look to have the same nice tits she has and I was wondering if you could try a couple of clothes for me so I can see if she would look good in it”.

She blushes at first but agrees to try on the coat.
For two minutes we chat as she models the coat for me to see how it would look on my girlfriend.

“That looks great on you”.
“I like the way it hugs your body”


You talk for a bit and after she gives the coat back you walk over to the lingerie section.
It’s a lot easier to talk a woman into putting on a nightie for you to see with your 81-year-old mother standing next to you.
My mother thanks god for cataracts.

So if I ever get a girlfriend and want to go shopping for her I know to bring my mother along.
It helps if she doesn’t know English.
“Why is that lady half naked”?
“ I don’t know, I told her you were looking for pajamas for your four year old granddaughter and I guess she decided to model some for us”.
“They don’t look warm”
“They must be for the summer”.

My daughters hate shopping with me because they don’t know what I am going to say and I do my best not to embarrass them but it wasn’t the same when I used to go with my ex shopping especially if we went into Bare Essentials.
Oh yeah, I loved that fucken place.

You know, women have way to many fucken choices.
No wonder you need a separate house just for closet space.
She would walk up and down the aisles picking up underwear, bras from the various racks and maybe a nightie.
I’d wander around checking out the new bra clasp technology just to keep my fingers up to date.

The Ex would take off to the change room with an armful of clothes to try on with one of the staff there.
There used to be a time when you just went to the change room and try things out but now you are escorted because of the rise in shoplifting which I attribute to the rise in prices.
A thirteen year old teenager would walk in wearing a training bra and walk out with DDs or 15 bras strapped on top of each other.
That was a fun conversation with store security.

I’d walk around the store while the girlfriend was in the change room until I was bored then would find something novel and go bug the clerk guarding the change room.

“Excuse me, is this some kind of a jello baggie thingy they have in this here bra lining”.
The stupider you act, the smarter they act.

“No, it’s silicon”.
“Ah……..ummmmm, aren’t the supposed to put the silicone bags in the tits”?
“Those are different, those are breast implants”.
“Ah I see, so these are ……….bra implants”?
“You could call them that”.
“It’s like a poor man’s boob job”.
“More like a poor woman’s boob job”.
Not in my house because she’d make me pay for them.

The girlfriend walked out and I said to her that she should by this bra and held it out and I would pay for it.
Going from a B to a C for only thirty-nine bucks, I’m there.
Spend the two grand left over on a big screen TV, I'd get to play with it more than the implants anyway.

Going shopping with my father is a nightmare.
The man says he will be right back and four hours later you’re at the information booth with the mic in your hand calling for your father in Greek because he doesn’t speak English.
Most of the customers don’t understand what I’m saying but if there are any Greeks in the store they are covering their kids ears.

The man just goes into a trance when he goes into a store.
Wal Mart is like Disney World to him.
He doesn’t buy anything he just wanders around aimlessly.
When my parents go shopping together……….

A couple of weeks ago my father let my mother out of the car so she could run in and grab something and run out.
My father said he will go park the car and wait for her but he couldn’t find one close so he ended up on the other end of the lot and sat there waiting.
My mother got what she needed and stood at the entrance waiting for him to pick her up.
For an hour he waited in the car for her and she waited for him to pick her up on the bench outside.
Needless to say they argued about it ALL day when they got back.

They do this a lot.
They go shopping and my father stays in the car while she shops so the next time they went shopping she told him to park close or wait because she would be right back.
While in the store my mother bumped into a friend and they chatted for a bit before she left but when she went outside to the car my father wasn’t there.
Man was she pissed.
She sat down on the fucken bench again cursing his name.
She sat there for 45 minutes getting madder and madder.
That’s about when her friend came out and saw her sitting there and said she just said hi to my father on the other side while he was sitting in the car waiting.
That’s when it dawned on my mother that he had dropped of off at the other entrance, not this one.

Have a nice day

Walker

44 comments:

Leah said...

Next time I'm out shopping, I'm gonna try to get a woman to try on clothes for me. Kinda kinky.

A.B. said...

buy them a pair of walkie-talkies for Christmas.

:-)

Megan said...

Sorry, um, I was going to comment, but then I decided to go shopping with Leah...

Πόσο είναι ότι ??

Walker said...

Leah: Most women or men for that matter woudl stop and do it. I know i have done it three times so far LOL

Walker said...

A.B.: They each have cell phones but they diont know how to call each other.

Walker said...

Megan: Can I come to. I can hold the clothes yeah I could be the coat rack :D

How many what?

3 Magpies said...

I just try to shop alone. Dragging two kids along usually runs into way more cash and at least one of them having to find the restroom. I wish I could be the one sitting in the car... That seems like the primo job when one must shop!

Walker said...

3 Magpies: Sitting in the car listening to music is fun but I like shopping too lol

I know its going to get crazy over the next few weeks and have decided instead of running around this year looking or guessing for what they would like i am going to go get gift cards from their favorite store and they can go fight the crowds while i lay back and have a beer :)

Luka said...

Shopping can be a stressful businesss, and at this time of year I avoid it as much as possible. Thank heavens for internet shopping!

Leah said...

Πόσο είναι ότι? means "how much is that?"

see, my college years have finally paid off.

So, how much is that?

Walker said...

Luka: I put on my goalie pads and go out there and wade into the battle.
Those little old ladies are the meanest one especially when shopping for their grand kids LOL

Walker said...

Leah: Ah, I see but it's actually is "πόσο είναι αφto", how much is that.
Πόσο είναι ότι? means how much is he and thought she wanted to know how much I was worth which is about $0.99 Canadian or $0.76US. LOL

When things get translated from one language to another somethings get lost.

Bud said...

Shopping is reason number one of why I hate Christmas. I'm waiting for the cop car story, Walker.

Walker said...

Bud: Shopping for Christmas is gone out of control.
Madness and greed hand in hand racuing blindly into stupidity.
Look at the guy who was trampled on Black Friday.

No you don't trust me the cops story when it comes out will make you angry and confused with disbelief.

Megan said...

I cannot tell a lie. I used the Google Translate doo-hickey. I typed in "How much is it?" and that's what it told me.

:)

Peter said...

Some interesting tips there Walker, like keeping up with the latest bra clasp technology, and getting attractive strangers to model slumber wear for you... have you thought about publishing a manual???

itisi said...

You have a wickedly wonderful sense of humor, Walker!!

Leah said...

Oh wait, if I read this post right, then you're of Greek extraction so to speak? Oops--all I've got is four years of Homeric Greek in college--completely useless unless you want to know how to say "the much-billowing sea"--and which I know from hanging about with my husband's family who speaks Greek doesn't really help with actual conversation--so anyway, the upshot of all of this babbling is, who am I to translate for you?

Plus, I feel confident that on the open market, you're worth a bit more than three quarters...

*...slinks off blushing a little...*

Sally said...

Keeping your fingers up to date? That is TOO funny, but so typical of you. hahaha And, you know I love your parent's stories. :)

Megan said...

Hey Leah, I think we're forgiven, as long as we take him shopping?

Walker said...

Megan: I use bablfish to and have checked with friends and they are close to most things but thats better than nothing.
I'm just worried one day I will propose to someone in swahili

Walker said...

Peter: I cant wait until someone makes a bra remote :)

Walker said...

itisi: Its because i have fallen on my head to many times ;)

Walker said...

Leah: I am firsdt generation Canadian Greek. I speak and write it along with french and I pretend to write english to.
Well with my 300 dollar leather jacket and 100 dollar jeans at least 400.75 ;)

Walker said...

Sally : Its the best way to fight arthritis from setting in.
You can timeyourslef how fast you can get one undone but be careful wrapping it around the radiator. You can get some really nasty burns that way.

Walker said...

Megan: You don't need to be forgiven it was GOOGLE's fault ;)

Megan said...

γλυκός

mrhaney said...

you do keep me amused, especially with stories about your family. i hete to try and find some one in a parking lot or in a big store. nowadays most every one has a cell phone so it is no problem to connect back up. have a good one my friend.

TROLL said...

Grrherhahhaahhahahahahaaha. I'm going to try the bra-conversation thing.

Scarlet said...

I would so try clothes on for Leah!

Walker said...

Megan: aw thank you γλυκόuλa ;)

Walker said...

mrhaney: Parking lots today are as big as the city was 50 years ago and with multi levels

Walker said...

TROLL: The way I see it is that men keep getting knocked down for not asking for directions so now I do my best to ask for directions in every womens clothing store i go to so give us all a good rep ;)

Walker said...

Scarlet: you would try clothes on for anyone if it got you naked HA HA HA

Just telling it like it is said...

I can always always can look to you for a smile...you crack me up!

Lindy said...

I'm sooo curious about this cop story. Seems like the craziest things happen around you. Think its cos you're wearing 300. in leather?

Puss-in-Boots said...

I want to hear about the cops and flashing lights.

My parents sound like yours...does that mean we're going to end up like that? It does, you know. What a thing to look forward to.

I loathe trying on clothes. So I buy them, try them on at home and if they don't fit, exchange them. Yeah, I know it's two trips but rather that than try them on when it's a hot muggy day and I'm all hot, sweaty and foul tempered as it is.

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: I like it when you're cracked up ;)

Walker said...

Lindy: Yes they do. You think it might be the black leather?
They go crazy when the moonlight bounces off of it and blinds then into madness.
Yeah that's possible

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: I hate waiting in line to try clothes and usually buy them and try them at home. Usually they fit ior are a little bigger but bigger is better than having the jewels bruised.

Monogram Queen said...

Ha haaa I love your clothes trick!

Your parents are so entertaining!

I hate to try on clothes in the store and very rarely do!

Romany Angel said...

I could have done with reading this post yesterday Walker. You are so funny. I think I might even enjoy shopping if I went with you and/or your parents. It would even be worth battling the crowds which unfortunately I have to do today. Do you have a spare couple of hours to come with me?

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Yes they are and a chore to find in a large department store especially my mother she is so short

Walker said...

Romany Angel: I would love to go shopping with you and we can get a couple of people to try on clothes for us but the last time i came there is toom ne 30 hours ao I may be late arriving