blue moon (2)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Friend Repelant ©


uh UMM what?
I’m awake

What day is it?

Sunday already

I need sleep………..

I thought the weekend was to lay back and rest.
I see what’s happening around here.
You see I don’t work so I am home all week while everyone else goes to work and when the weekend arrives they ALL want to hang out at Walker’s resort of if ill repute so their wives don’t kill them.

Friday is when I watch some of my favorite shows so I like it QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Around 5pm the doorbell rang so I got up and went to see who the hell it could be and opened the door to a woman standing there with a set of 9-month-old identical twins in her arms.
She looked at me and said, “These are my daughter’s”.
I’m thinking, better yours than mine.

I look into her face and try to envision her 25 years younger then shift to the babies and try to see what they would look like 25 years older to get a picture in my head what the mother would look like.

I took one of the babies from her and she followed me into the living room where I started peeling some of the clothes off of the baby because it was hot inside compared to the cold that we have been getting for the last few days.

As the babies started crying they got Frick’s attention and he came steamrolling into the room.
I had to deal with him quick because Frick isn’t crazy about kids, which was evident as he hissed and clawed me all the way to the basement where he stayed growling from under the bottom of the door.

After securing the cat I went back to undressing the baby until I had her free of her cocoon and all that was left was a cute little girl in a pink jumper suit the look like a carbon copy of the one kicking me in the kidney next to me.

She told me her daughter needed some time to herself because she was cracking under the pressure of having to deal with three kids under the age of four and a partner who thinks she’s lazy and not taking care of the kids.


Fuck you, is all I can tell him after two hours with these two little precious bundles of LOUD joy.
If the mind piercing crying doesn’t make you want to bang your head against the wall then the fact that twins think crying is a team sport thus giving it to you it in stereo making you wish that wall you want to bang your head against had 6 inch spikes sticking out of it.

When they weren’t crying they were either farting or shitting.
OH yeah she had to step out for a bit to do something and wanted me to watch the babies.
Oh joy.
I told her to be quick.

There I was, all alone with two nine month old babies, the cat was howling like a banshee in the basement and sniff sniff, what’s that smell?
I look at one of the babies and she has this big smile on her face.
I look at the other one and her eyes are bulging.
So I’m thinking, the one with the bulging eyes went f or a dump and the smiling one farted so I unwrap the bulging eyes one and find her diaper is empty.
Fuck I hate when I am wrong.

I put the diaper back on and proceed to unravel the other one only to find that her diaper was empty but I WAS right out whom the little fart was.
I wrap her up once more when WHOA!!!!!!
I looked at the other one and her arms and legs were up in the air with her eyes bulging as she filled her diaper.
Fuck I thought the paint was going to start peeling off the wall.
WTF do they feed babies now a days that smells that horrid on the way out?

I put the other one in her carrier and started stripping Little Miss Poop…. HOLY FUCK!!!!! Smelly Bottom
I never knew I could hold my breath for so long but I did while I stripped, washed, powered and dressed her up one more time then opened the front door and threw the diaper on my neighbor’s roof.
No way I was leaving anything that toxic in the house and I don’t like the neighbor.

No sooner had I finished and place the baby in her carrier the other one was doing the bionic chicken in her crate with all four appendages sticking up in the air.
Ten minutes later there were two diapers on the neighbors roof.
Then the other one starts smiling just before the smell hit me.

That was it I was ready to strip them down and stick them together like Lego's and let ones farts put pressure on the other to keep that one from crapping her diaper every ten minutes.

If dealing with the aromatic duo wasn’t enough the doorbell went off some of the boys showed up with beer and pot.
The first thing they did was gag and stumble towards the door.
I told them they’d get used to it but no then said they wouldn’t and left coughing.
None of them have ever had kids and never experienced loosing their sense of smell for 4 years before.
Hmmmmm, it’s a good way to get rid of annoying friends on a Friday night.
Now how to get that baby smell without the baby part.
Maybe if I ate baby food.

Then they started crying so I took the both out and put them on the couch and tried to get them to fight.
It’s been awhile since I seen a good cat fight between sisters but all they did was try to eat each other’s feet for about five minutes and started screaming again.

With one baby you get a break between cry and breath.
With two the other cries during the break part.


I figured they might be hungry so I looked in the bag and found a couple of bottles of water so I propped both up[ on my left side using my leg and arm as a back support and stuck a freaking bottle in each ones mouth and listened to sucking noises for a blessed moment.

Moment is the operative word here because when one finished she started crying and the other figured it was the cue to start to so I flipped them over each shoulder and listened to one burp and the other spew down my shoulder.
At least she smiled about it.

I put them back in their containers while I cleaned everything up and sat there for twenty more minutes making weird noises trying to keep them from remembering how to cry before their grandmother returned.

I had those babies with me for two hours and all I can say is I’m glad it’s not me and their father is an asshole to think this is easy.
This is not the same as eight hours of work then go home to sleep; this is hells bells with shotgun shells.
No wonder their mother is cracking up.
He doesn’t help her and she hadn’t had a shower for four days.
Not that I believe she could ever possibly smell worse than her stinky little daughter.

I helped her dress the babies once more and took them outside and loaded them on this huge double stroller for her to start her two-hour bus ride back to her daughter’s house.
That’s another part of this.
The grandmother took a bus from the farthest eastern part of the city and went twenty miles to the most western end and took the babies out for the day.
As tough as this woman is, she was dead when I opened the front door and let her in.
Makes me wonder if it’s this tough now, how tough was it for people twenty years ago when all these modern advantages we have now were not around?

She gave me a hug and a kiss then I watched her push the train down the street with two pairs of tiny feet and hands kicking out into the air from inside.
I turned and went back inside and released Frick from his prison.
He immediately ran around looking for the babies then came over and fell on my lap to thank me for not keeping any.

I picked up the remote and put it on the space channel to get ready for Supernatural to start in an hour when the doorbell rang.
I thought she may have forgotten something and got up for the door and when I opened it one of my out of town friends was standing there with a box of beer in his arms.
I stood there staring past him at the two diapers on the neighbors roof thinking that I may have been to quick in throwing them out so soon.

To Be Continued……………..

I need sleep.........I need to move too I think

Have a nice day



Peter said...

Perhaps you could retrieve the nappies (and make a neighbor very happy) and store them in an airtight container... to be opened as required when unwanted visitors arrived???

A.B. said...

**taps foot**

Sleep is overrated, please continue....


Puss-in-Boots said...

Throwing poopy nappies on the neighbour's roof...heehee, that's original. Although I'm glad you don't live next to me...

You are a very multiskilled man, Walker...I'm impressed.

Gypsy said...

Ah the memories you just brought back. When my twin angels were tiny my husband was always telling the guys at work that I had a much tougher job than him. He was amazingly supportive and thank god for that or I doubt if I would have survived.

Twins do everything in stereo....yep...crying, pooping, screaming,'s their job.

Now you know why I look like I do. It takes it's toll my friend.

Michael Manning said...

I marvel at your eloquence, Walker! :D) You may be the "Howard Stern" of the Blogosphere, but you have a heart!

Thanks for visiting Janna and leavng her with a word of Love! It matters!

As for your week..."OPA!" :)

Just telling it like it is said...

Tehehehe your so cute..Hey I thought guy were used to farts..Like they think they are funny and stuff...I think I want to have an affair with you...

Megan said...

You're a braver man than I.

Fire Byrd said...

reminds me of my nephew helping me change his cousin, he opened up the diaper and my youngest with attitude peed straight in his cousin's eye. He always has been a little sod.

Vickie said...

Just wondering how all this would have played out if you had just smoked you one of your famous fat ones before the door bell rang---

You are such a softie---two nine month old twins---you are a better person than I am. :)

Dotm said...

Twins! That magical word. If one cried the other cried, feed one, the other needs feeding, and back in `55 we didn`t have pampers. Try twins with only 5 dozen diapers for both, when you aren`t changing or feeding, or burping, you are bent over a wash tub wearing your knuckles out trying to remove the stains. ( No washer or dryer back then.)Also trying to find time for the 2 1/2 yr old and the step daughter- 7 yrs old. Oh Walker, you sure brought back a lot of memories. Had the older girls kept in bed under mosquito netting due to bad burns when twins were just 2 months old. Honey, you had it easy. Ha Ha. But you are one great friend to step in like that. Wish I had someone like you to help me back then when Walt was working. You are there for your friends when they need help.They are lucky to have you.


heh heh... poopy pants patrol eh? yes indeed, better you than me...

*wishes he had some diapers for his neighbors*

ssgreylord said...

only you can be so hilarious and so kind at the same time. you had me laughing hard at the image of those little two keeping you so busy. every mom must have fallen in love with you for your words of appreciation for them...

Scarlet said...


I would have KILLED to see this whole scenario play out! lol

gab said...

Awww come on its not that bad(laugh choke giggle)
Now see Ive been taking care of 4 out of the 7 grands and I get that smell daily. (and man you think the girls stink you oughta be here for the boys!!!!) Anyways Im thinking its soon time to start training the last one because now when he poos he sticks his fingers down his diaper! (EWWWWWWWW)

Teresa said...

Sleep when you are dead. It's my motto.

itisi said...

I thought it was bad with a 20 month old and a 3-month old!!
If I saw baby twins at the door, I would shut it!
Actually not...I would automatically reach my arms out for one of them. That is just the way I am with babies and animals!
You should have seen me last week trying to get the baby strapped in his car seat, the diaper bag, my purse, and the toddler all down stairs to the car! Good thing the front door was shut or the dog would have been running the neighborhood!
Oh, add a rottie to the twins day you had! I have to babyset the dog, too!
When that happens, well, then I will have some sympathy for you!

PBS said...

Ha ha, that's so funny! Babies ARE so smelly sometimes, I'd forgotten that part until my grandson was born. I don't see him much but when I do he drinks that vile-smelling formula (try drinking that, I think that might work for you) and poops every hour, in-between the times he's peeing his diaper or spitting up.

phoenix said...

Babies are only stinky when they are not your own.... NOT! LOL

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for this one! ;-)

Walker said...

Peter : Sounds like a good idea but the neighbor is a wanker and rotting out his roof is more important i think

He and his wiofe don't live there and are more unneighborly than neighborly so let it rot i say LOL

Walker said...

A.B.: Sleep is only overated when you have company in bed ;)

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: I am a parent so i can handle myself in a pinch but would rather someone else did.
I have thrown anot worse on that roof besides nappies ha ha ha

Walker said...

Gypsy: You must have gone made, may ex-plain a few things :P

Anyopne one stuck with more than one baby to care for at once deserves a medal fro bravery in my book

Walker said...

Michael Manning: We do what we can. Its my duty as a parent and a freind

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is : Nope my mother taught us to fart in oprivate or face her wrath.
Darlin you could have an affair with me any time but I suspect you only want me to play wuith your boobs and tell you how sweet they are ;)

Walker said...

Megan: Or maybe you;re a smarter woman than I am ;)

Walker said...

I feel lucky now, thank you

Walker said...

Vickie : I would have passed out and not open the door LOL

Walker said...

Dotm: You loved it I know you well enough to know that.
The more the merrier i bet was you motto

Walker said...

INNER VOICES: I'' mail you some fresh ones HA HA HA

Walker said...

ssgreylord : I have nothing but respect for any parent who h as to stay home and take care of the kids and house.
I know its one of the hardest jobs out there and most times its a thankless

Walker said...

Scarlet: I just bet you would and probably take pictures to post :P

Walker said...

gab: HA HA HA
He is just taking the temperature or is practicing to be a proctologist but one thing is for sure you have some ammo for when he grows up to use.

Walker said...

Teresa: Hmmm well I hope i don't need that kind of sleep for a long LONG time lol

Walker said...

itisi: No No don;t go towards the door.

Walker said...

PBS: My oldest crapped like a manure factory.
It was cheaper to keep her in the tub rather than diapers.

Walker said...

phoenix: Hey I can handle myself with babies especially when they are girls ;)

nachtwache said...

That's it, you are taking in other people's kids, mine's on the way! :)
Well, just kidding. :( But it's a thought. You have a hard time saying no; he likes to smoke the same stuff you do, he' s handy at fixing things and he's a chick magnet....and he's out of diapers.
I also thought, good thing he's not my neighbour and I'm the same, that I don't mind poopy diapers, especially with my own offspring.
Babies are chick magnets too.
But then you have a way with words that seem to make the ladies swoon, I see you don't need any help.

Walker said...

nachtwache: Sorry I only take in or adopt female children above the age of 30 :)