Friend Repelant ©

“THUD”!!!!!!!!!

uh UMM what?
I’m awake

What day is it?

Sunday already
Gezzz

I need sleep………..

I thought the weekend was to lay back and rest.
I see what’s happening around here.
You see I don’t work so I am home all week while everyone else goes to work and when the weekend arrives they ALL want to hang out at Walker’s resort of if ill repute so their wives don’t kill them.

Friday is when I watch some of my favorite shows so I like it QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Around 5pm the doorbell rang so I got up and went to see who the hell it could be and opened the door to a woman standing there with a set of 9-month-old identical twins in her arms.
She looked at me and said, “These are my daughter’s”.
I’m thinking, better yours than mine.

I look into her face and try to envision her 25 years younger then shift to the babies and try to see what they would look like 25 years older to get a picture in my head what the mother would look like.

I took one of the babies from her and she followed me into the living room where I started peeling some of the clothes off of the baby because it was hot inside compared to the cold that we have been getting for the last few days.

As the babies started crying they got Frick’s attention and he came steamrolling into the room.
I had to deal with him quick because Frick isn’t crazy about kids, which was evident as he hissed and clawed me all the way to the basement where he stayed growling from under the bottom of the door.

After securing the cat I went back to undressing the baby until I had her free of her cocoon and all that was left was a cute little girl in a pink jumper suit the look like a carbon copy of the one kicking me in the kidney next to me.

She told me her daughter needed some time to herself because she was cracking under the pressure of having to deal with three kids under the age of four and a partner who thinks she’s lazy and not taking care of the kids.

HA!!!!!

Fuck you, is all I can tell him after two hours with these two little precious bundles of LOUD joy.
If the mind piercing crying doesn’t make you want to bang your head against the wall then the fact that twins think crying is a team sport thus giving it to you it in stereo making you wish that wall you want to bang your head against had 6 inch spikes sticking out of it.

When they weren’t crying they were either farting or shitting.
OH yeah she had to step out for a bit to do something and wanted me to watch the babies.
Oh joy.
I told her to be quick.

There I was, all alone with two nine month old babies, the cat was howling like a banshee in the basement and sniff sniff, what’s that smell?
I look at one of the babies and she has this big smile on her face.
I look at the other one and her eyes are bulging.
So I’m thinking, the one with the bulging eyes went f or a dump and the smiling one farted so I unwrap the bulging eyes one and find her diaper is empty.
Fuck I hate when I am wrong.

I put the diaper back on and proceed to unravel the other one only to find that her diaper was empty but I WAS right out whom the little fart was.
I wrap her up once more when WHOA!!!!!!
I looked at the other one and her arms and legs were up in the air with her eyes bulging as she filled her diaper.
Fuck I thought the paint was going to start peeling off the wall.
WTF do they feed babies now a days that smells that horrid on the way out?

I put the other one in her carrier and started stripping Little Miss Poop…. HOLY FUCK!!!!! Smelly Bottom
I never knew I could hold my breath for so long but I did while I stripped, washed, powered and dressed her up one more time then opened the front door and threw the diaper on my neighbor’s roof.
No way I was leaving anything that toxic in the house and I don’t like the neighbor.

No sooner had I finished and place the baby in her carrier the other one was doing the bionic chicken in her crate with all four appendages sticking up in the air.
Ten minutes later there were two diapers on the neighbors roof.
Then the other one starts smiling just before the smell hit me.

That was it I was ready to strip them down and stick them together like Lego's and let ones farts put pressure on the other to keep that one from crapping her diaper every ten minutes.

If dealing with the aromatic duo wasn’t enough the doorbell went off some of the boys showed up with beer and pot.
The first thing they did was gag and stumble towards the door.
I told them they’d get used to it but no then said they wouldn’t and left coughing.
None of them have ever had kids and never experienced loosing their sense of smell for 4 years before.
Hmmmmm, it’s a good way to get rid of annoying friends on a Friday night.
Now how to get that baby smell without the baby part.
Maybe if I ate baby food.

Then they started crying so I took the both out and put them on the couch and tried to get them to fight.
It’s been awhile since I seen a good cat fight between sisters but all they did was try to eat each other’s feet for about five minutes and started screaming again.

With one baby you get a break between cry and breath.
With two the other cries during the break part.

FUCK

I figured they might be hungry so I looked in the bag and found a couple of bottles of water so I propped both up[ on my left side using my leg and arm as a back support and stuck a freaking bottle in each ones mouth and listened to sucking noises for a blessed moment.

Moment is the operative word here because when one finished she started crying and the other figured it was the cue to start to so I flipped them over each shoulder and listened to one burp and the other spew down my shoulder.
At least she smiled about it.

I put them back in their containers while I cleaned everything up and sat there for twenty more minutes making weird noises trying to keep them from remembering how to cry before their grandmother returned.

I had those babies with me for two hours and all I can say is I’m glad it’s not me and their father is an asshole to think this is easy.
This is not the same as eight hours of work then go home to sleep; this is hells bells with shotgun shells.
No wonder their mother is cracking up.
He doesn’t help her and she hadn’t had a shower for four days.
Not that I believe she could ever possibly smell worse than her stinky little daughter.

I helped her dress the babies once more and took them outside and loaded them on this huge double stroller for her to start her two-hour bus ride back to her daughter’s house.
That’s another part of this.
The grandmother took a bus from the farthest eastern part of the city and went twenty miles to the most western end and took the babies out for the day.
As tough as this woman is, she was dead when I opened the front door and let her in.
Makes me wonder if it’s this tough now, how tough was it for people twenty years ago when all these modern advantages we have now were not around?

She gave me a hug and a kiss then I watched her push the train down the street with two pairs of tiny feet and hands kicking out into the air from inside.
I turned and went back inside and released Frick from his prison.
He immediately ran around looking for the babies then came over and fell on my lap to thank me for not keeping any.

I picked up the remote and put it on the space channel to get ready for Supernatural to start in an hour when the doorbell rang.
I thought she may have forgotten something and got up for the door and when I opened it one of my out of town friends was standing there with a box of beer in his arms.
I stood there staring past him at the two diapers on the neighbors roof thinking that I may have been to quick in throwing them out so soon.

To Be Continued……………..

I need sleep.........I need to move too I think

Have a nice day

Walker