blue moon (2)

Monday, September 08, 2008

Tel A Ding A Ling ©


Good morning sir
I am calling from Acme Windows.
We are working in your area installing windows at your neighbor’s house and noticed that your house looked like it could use some new windows and were wondering if you’d like a free quote.

Really and was my phone number written on my door?

Well no, I don’t think it was.

So how did you get my number?

We looked it up in the phone book.

I see.
So you opened the phone book and look for 123 Sucker Dr. to find out whom lives there.
That must have taken you at least a week seeing as I am somewhere in the middle of the book.

Actually sir we got your number from a list of names and addresses.

So you lied to me and probably don’t have someone installing windows at one of my neighbor’s houses.

Oh yes sir we do.
We are installing windows at the Anderson’s house on Blair Rd.

Blair Rd?
That’s ten miles from where I live.
That’s not a neighbor, that’s a fellow countryman.

Oh, I didn’t know that.

Where do you live?


That’s 2000 miles from here and you are calling me from all the fuck out there to sell me windows?
Your guys must be desperate.
How come you aren’t selling windows there instead?
I know there is a building boom happening out there or do they know of you out there and know NOT to buy your windows.
What’s wrong with your windows?

I am sure there is nothing wrong with the windows sir.

What do you mean that you are sure there is nothing wrong with the window?
Do you have these windows installed at your place?

No, I don’t own the place where I live.

Why haven’t you sold your landlord these windows then?

I don’t really have a landlord; I live with my parents.

How old are you?


28 and your still living at home?
What you can’t find a girlfriend or boyfriend if you’re gay.

I’m not gay.

You should be bi-sexual, double your chances of getting laid.

I’m not bi-sexual and it’s none of your business if I am.

So you are gay?
Denial is a bad thing, step out and get rid of the mothballs.

And stop saying that.

HEY, don’t be yelling at me.
You’re the one calling strange men early in morning about looking through their windows.

I didn’t call about looking into your windows I called about selling you windows.

Same thing, different words.
You want to sell me windows when you can’t even sell your parents some.
Think of the commission you’d make.
You could move out of their house with it.
HELL, tell them that and they’d buy the fucken windows just to get their gay son out of the house.

Listen Mr. Brooks I just called about the windows.

I’m not Mr. Brooks.
I think you have the wrong number.


I’m going fucken crazy with all of these telephone commercials.
I get about 4 a day from people trying to sell me windows, vacuums, furniture and the list goes on.

I throw my flyers in the garbage.
I flip channels to get away from commercials on the TV
The only ads I look at are the ones the hookers flash at me when I walk by.

How the fuck can you deal with the phone commercials?
It used to be I would look at the call display and knew when not to answer but no with all the over seas friends I have who use phone companies that piggy back local companies I am forced to pick up even for 1 800 numbers.

You know whose fault this is eh?
The phone companies fault.
They’re smart bastards.
They have farmed out all their work to India who were brilliant in see an opportunity to create jobs and all the people here that worked the phone centers have nothing left to do but try and sell me windows.

That damn phone company is more powerful than the government.
If the police go out there looking for a specific criminal they spend millions of dollars and resources and in most cases don’t get their man for a long time.
Just call the phone company and they can tell you exactly where he is by the GPS chip in their cell phones.

See what I mean?
The phone company is following you around and you don’t even know it.
Just give them time and they will have a tiny C4 explosive chip made and installed in all cell phones and when you don’t pay your bill they’ll call you and when you answer blow your brains up.
They’re EVIL I tell you.

After finishing with the gay window salesman I sat down in the lounge to watch some TV and the phone rang again.
I looked and it was another 1 800 number.
I debated answering it a bit then gave in.
I was hoping it would stop ringing by the time I decided but the bastards let the fucken phone ring 20 tines before they give up.

I pick up the phone and its some guy trying to sell me on a cell phone from guess whom,
The “PHONE” company.


Good day sir
I am calling today to offer you a great deal on a cell phone from the Phone Company

I don’t want a cell phone.

Do you have a cell phone sir?

No I don’t and I don’t want one.

This is a once in a lifetime deal sir.

Dieing is a one in a lifetime deal and there aren’t any refunds either.

That’s true but while you’re alive you can use this cell phone to call your loved ones.

Nope I don’t want a phone from your company.
I’ve had my nightmares with you in the past.
Your service sucks and support has a thicker accent than ex with my dick in her mouth.
So don’t call me again about this phone.


Damn phone company.
They make more than enough money and they try to milk the rest out of your wallet.


Fucken phone.


Sir, I didn’t tell you what the deal was.

Listen bud, I don’t want a fucken cell phone no matter what the deal is.

But for 30 a month you get a $400 cell phone with camera and video camera.
700 minutes a month with free evening and weekends.

I wouldn’t take a cell phone from you even if the president of the company called and gave it to me for ten bucks a month and threw in Halle Berry as a bonus.


Persistent little fucker isn’t he?
They call over and over pestering you until you cave in.
I have all these different Capital one card people calling at least once a week but usually twice.
How much money do they think people have and if you don’t watch out they get all the money you will be making until the day you die, which will probably be when the cell phone rings about your unpaid phone bill.


What now?


Good evening sir.

Same to you, who’s this?

I am the regional sales manager for the Phone Company.

Yeah right
So what can I do for you.

I understand that you have some reservations about our service and company policy.

More like the company Police

What’s that?

Nothing, yes policy, your's sucks and I want nothing to do with you.

Well I am calling to change your mind.
I am willing to offer you a new cell phone of your choosing and throw in the gold package, which is a leather phone case and a blue tooth ear piece.
I will wave the $400 deposit and the office fee.
I will give you 700 minutes a month and free evenings and weekend and for the first three months you can call all you want and surf the net all you want.
I will give you all that for $8.95 a month for one year and then two more years at $19.95 a month.
How’s that sound?

Sooooooo, ummmmmm …………………what about Halle Berry?

Here's my brand new GOLD metal phone

My mother keeps asking who the naked black woman in the background is.

Have a nice day



Lindy said...

What kills me is they give you all this shit at a pretty decent price but then 2 years down the road they jack the price up so you can't afford it anymore. Thats my 2 cents.

Monogram Queen said...

and this... is exactly why I don't answer the phone and screen all of my calls. I DETEST the phone!

Gypsy said...

Get yourself a silent phone number Walker and no more problems. The phone company cannot give your number to anyone and if marked (Silent) on any raffles you enter or charity fundraiser, they can't sell it to each other either. I haven't been bothered by these calls in 7 years and I used to average about 5 per week.

The Troll said...

I guess Canuckistan doesn't have a do-not-call Law. I haven't had a single call since that Law passed.

It's nice, but I kind of miss rupturing their eardrums with the air-horn I used to use to respond to solicitors.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to write some of the telemarketers scripts down so I can use them. Those are good.


i love fucking with telemarketers!!! good on you man... sorry to hear that you fell for the old "upgraded phone package" though... i wish you luck!!


wheres mj? she shoulda been here by now!

nachtwache said...

It's said, everyone has their price :) Nice phone.
I take it that 'silent phone number' is for us 'unlisted' and yes, it works, no sales calls. My # is unlisted. But then you have so much fun with those poor working stiffs. That must be one of the worst jobs out there!

Anonymous said...

I am so thankful for called ID. I always tell those bastards to take me off of their list if I happen to pick up.

Suzanne said...

We have an unlisted phone number, yet somehow the phone company get's through. Bastards!!!

"Hi, Ms. P?"
"Your payment is late."
"How is that possible, we have automatic payment?"
"I don't know, but, it's late, would you like to pay now?"
"NO! The bill has already been paid and I'm not paying again."
"So can you pay that today, will you come down to the office?"
"So does that mean you'll pay tomorrow?"
"So does that mean you're going to pay today?"
"No, fuck off."

I think the beauty of phone service is you always have the right to say "fuck off" until it's revoked.

Love this post!


Walker said...

Lindy: They can jack up the price after the deal I made and I don;t care because i don't have to accept it thats the beauty of it.
Cell phone prices will be dropping with all the companies popping up lately.

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: I screen most of them but some i have to take not knowing where they are from. I get calls from call centers in Texas for fucks sakes

Walker said...

Gypsy: I don;t really want to go private because i have friends who might need me one day.
I just don;t see why i even have to.

Walker said...

The Troll: I wish they did but what they do have is list sharing with other bastards.
At least i can abuse them when i am in the mood.

Walker said...

Random Chick: You go ahead and use or abuse what you want ;)

Walker said...

INNER VOICES: I have no mercy for telemarketeers of the like and as far as I'm concerned they called me and i can do with them as I please.
I have been called rude in the past but I figure if she could ask me to sign up for a credit card I think she should send me a picture of her tits first.

Walker said...

INNER VOICES: OH and the cell phone was a very good deal when you think of it. I didn't have one and for 10 bucks a month or even 20 later is a score for me.
I have no need for the extras even though i signed up for the call display and call waiting for an extra 5 bucks but other than that its cheaper than my house phone.

Walker said...

nachtwache: I don;t think i should have to go unlisted because of them. I think the Govt should enforce our freedom of peace and quiet.
Hard enough family and friends wake me up with phone calls

Walker said...

Jessica: I have asked them to take me off on many occations but they just sell you name and number to someone else but i do get the pleasure in torturing them verbally.

Walker said...

Suzanne: Yeah, no one can hit you and you can say anything you want to them LOL

I must admit I have been rude on occation especially if i get called when i am in a pissy mood.
No one is safe then HA HA HA

BikerCandy said...

Well, sounds like you got a good deal on the phone anyway. Good for you.

Suzanne said...

No one had better hit me. I'm a pacifist, but I CAN NOT be responsible for what might happen if they do.

And you think my response is because I'm in a "pissy mood?" Nope. I'll give you a pissy mood honey. Okay, try me! Let the games begin!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh, I'm exhausted, how about just a foot rub! After the "Witching Hour" I'm lost in LaLa land...and hoping to get a wee bit of that!!! Man, Robyn sure can pick "friends!" You're a good man my dear friend. I'm looking forward to the years ahead. Glad IV pimped you. That's the best.


P.S. Had a dream about you last night. A dream about IV the night before. A dream about Robyn the night before that. A dream about Cece the night before that. A dream about Leah the night before that. A dream about Just Bob the night before that...yes, the list goes on. Why are you all in my dreams? It's getting sorta crowded in here.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I think I did but i worked for it LOL

Walker said...

Suzanne: I have seen some real mean hard hitting pacifists in my life LOL

Maybe you dream of everyone because you're iching for a party with some party people ;)

Suzanne said...

No, don't asked me about my dream about you. Let's just say I've been spoiled by the best, so know a good one when I see one. Nuff said.


Walker said...

Suzanne: What are yoiu doing hidding behind the cell phone. You're commenting as fast as I'm answering them. LOL

Suzanne said...

God, you responded before I posted. That's just pathetic. Knock it off. No, really, on my part!!! Should type and think faster!!!

Hard hitting Pacifist. I've heard they exist. Prove it.

Yes, dreaming of all of you could mean I'm "itchy," crazy or just going through menopause and unable to sleep. Eeeeeeeeenemeneminemo. Honestly, I can't tell the difference. How can you?

Do you know what I love about IV pimping you? Me! Our connection. IV's amazement that a woman like me would like a woman like you. Whoops! I'm going to leave that cuz it's just too funny to erase!!! Okay girls, he's really a guy! Let's begin again. How a woman like me would like a guy like you. Well, Robyn was the common denominator. That helped, but then you were left flailing on your own and did quite well. I liked that! And no, I'm not gay. I LOVE a guy!!! You rate right up there. Especially after "Witchy," without the small room. I need a lot more space!!! But other than that, as Kramer said on Seinfeld's manturbation episode, "Okay, I'm out!"

Love ya!


Suzanne said...

Posted XO twice. That's gotta be good for something!

I'm not hiding behind the cell phone. I'm right here damn it! Too funny!!!

Love you dear. It's always fun to read your posts and comments. What a blast.

Walker said...

Suzanne: I respond fast because 1, I get notified when a comment comes in and I'm sitting or here writing a post or was now its up LOL

I enjoy having you here and am happy we met as I am with meeting Robyn and IV through you.

Its whats the best part of the blog world. You get to travel this web of souls scattered all over the world withoput having to leave your comforts.

You know what they say, if you scratch that itch you will give yourself a smile ;)

Peter said...

Come visit and answer my phone for me sometime Walker.

muse said...

Telemarketing SUCKS, but you just fed the system, man!