Cookies And Boobs ©

I’m still sick and in bed but the phone is still alive and ringing constantly with people asking me over for drinks or dinner.
Mother called and said she was going to my uncles for a couple of hours with my father.
I told her fine, like she needs to call and tell me she is leaving home.
I feel like their parent sometimes.

CZJ called and offered to come over to play nurse for me but I said no.
I’m pissed at her for lying to me about being single when I found out different from her BF’s niece.

Then it came to me.
My mother was making cookies for two days straight and there was no one home.
HA, my chance to get some before she got back, I rolled out of bed and snuck out the back door.
They have one of those electronic locks where you key in the number and the door opens.
Another of my brother's gadges.

I unlock the outside door and walk into the mudroom but she had that door locked to and I didn't have a key for this door.
That's cool, I locked the back door and went to the front and found the screen door locked from the inside and there was NO way of opening it.
Smart old lady.
I turned and went back inside to crawl into my bed once more cookieless.

As I lay there I got a phone call out of nowhere from a friend I haven’t seen in twenty years, not since buddy’s funeral.
I heard through the grapevine that he is doing great and was married to his then GF and had two kids with her.

“Hello”?

“Hey, it’s me”.

“Hi me, how’s she”?

“She is good and they are out playing in the back”.

“That’s good, so what makes you call me up out of the blue like this”?

“I’m thinking of running in the next election”.

“Fuck off; well you might be good at that”.

“That’s what everyone keeps telling me but I’m scared the past will catch up to me”.

“So what, if anyone says something just tell them to fuck off and them asked the voters if they want to vote for a doer or a talker”.

“I can’t tell people to fuck off and expect them to vote for me”.

“Why not, I tell people to fuck off all the time and they love me”.

“That’s you and I don’t know how you get away with it”.

“It’s a talent”.

“How is that a talent?

“Oh it’s all in the wording like the other day for instance”.
“My SIL came over wearing an outfit that would have been snug on a ten year old”.
“It was so tight on her she looked naked”.

“Walker look, I still fit in the same clothes I wore in junior high”.

“Fuck off”.

I still have the same cock I had in junior high and I wouldn’t put it through that much agony as to put on the size 28 jeans I wore back then but her ass is used to being in tight spots I guess and this was a tight one because I tell you, it was trying to bust through the seams of her jeans.
It must have taken her hours and the top of a greased up skateboard to slide her butt into those pants.
They were so tight, if she farted, it would probably bounce back inside her ass and come out the other end.

“So do you think I look good”.

“You’d look good covered in cow shit”.

“You really think so”?

“Yes I do and I think we should prove it by rolling you around a pile of cow patties then after you could jump up on my brother and surprise him”.
“Besides I hear it good for your skin”

“Really”?

“Yeah, I read it somewhere and in fact you’re just in luck”.
“I happen to have a couple of bags of sheep manure in the back”.
“I know it’s not the same as cow manure but I figure a full grown sheep is about six times smaller than a cow so if you put on six times the amount of manure it should be the same”.

“It’s really good for your skin”?

“Hell yeah, soft to the touch, silky in fact and you know how you spend all that money at the tanning salon”.

“Yeah”?

“Sure, this gives your skin a naturally dark pigment and it’s safer than getting bombarded by ultra violet rays or any other death rays”.
“Anyway you just think about that but don’t tell anyone, that way it will be a surprise”.

“So did you fix the lopsided problem you had with your left tit”?

The Sil didn’t like her 34 Bs and had implants put in but has had problems with them not being perfect.
I remember how it started, I was in the living room one day and she was half drunk and my brother was working on his laptop.
She stood up and dropped her robe to the floor and asked me what I thought.

For some reason women like showing me their tits, NOT that I'm complaining.

My brother freaked out but she told him it was ok; I was like her brother.
He’s yelling at her to get dressed and I sat there looking.

“You look ok but your boobs are a little small”.

She looked down at her tits and slowly walked away bare assed to the hallway and stood there staring at her tits.
I went back to what I was doing like nothing happened.
My brother was trying to wrap the robe around her as shifted, shifted, pulled squished...her tits in front of the mirror.

Two days later she is at my front door telling me that she is getting a boob job paid for by her father for Christmas.
Well, they used to give out oranges as gifts for Christmas, so what’s wrong with a couple of melons instead.

A couple of weeks down the road she showed up at my place with a friend of hers who was covered from head to toe with tattoos.
She told me that she was getting her boobs done at the same doctor that did her friends boobs then instructed her friend to show me hers and the friend peeled off her shirt and stood there pointing a set of loaded double Ds.
I don’t NEED to go to a strip club; I just sit here and let it come to me.

Two weeks after that I get a call to go to my brother’s place.
I walk through the door and the SIL is laying on the couch wrapped up in blood covered bandages.

“What happened”?
“Where’s Freddy Kruger hiding”?

“I got my boob job”.

“Who's your doctor, Frankenstein and what do they do, cut yours off and crazy glue some dead person’s on”?

The woman looked like she had gone through a meat grinder and come out the looser.
For the next three days she was in pain and bleeding but as time worse on and she healed she was happily running over to show me how they were healing.
By now my brother gave up trying to stop her from showing me her tits and when asked at the pub one night how her boobs looked like, he told his friend to ask me as I get to see them more than he did.

When they were all healed up she asked how they look and I told her there were fine but one looked a little lopsided.
That triggered another marathon stare session in the mirror and the nextr day she was calling the doctor.
A couple of months later she asked me again how they were and I told her they were fine but a little to big in proportion to the rest of her body and she looked funny.
Again she ran to the mirror and stood there in different possess to see what I was talking about then she said she will have some taken out.

HUH?

It seems that they ones she installed can be deflated or inflated via a small valve.
There you go, for years people talked about spare tires and now my SIL has two with valves.
So I asked her if they installed the valve behind the nipple.
You know, flip the nipple over and voila, a valve.
Can you just see the lineups at the gas station air pump.
A guy with his family sitting in the car waiting for dad to put air in the tires but first he has to wait for a stripper who’s inflating her left tit because it look a little low.

“So I say fuck off to her a lot but in my way, so she thinks is a compliment”.

“Ah I see”.
“Hey wait a minute, you told me to fuckoff when I called you”.

“No I didn’t, you just think I did”.

“So you think I have a chance and my past won’t creep up to haunt me”?
“I mean we got into some wild shit back then especially with that crazy little hooker”.
“What ever happen to her, she dead or something like that”?

“Yeah something like that”.
“She married her lawyer”.

“You’re kidding”?

“Nope, she actually did”.
“The way she figured it was that he already had all her money and there was nothing left to pay him with, so she married him and now has all of it back and all of his too”.

“Smart move”.

"Yup".

"So you think I'm OK"?

"Don't worry, you never got caught with any of us and that alone should make you a good politician".
"Most polliticians are criminals that never got caught anyway".

“So, you going to vote for me”?

“FuckYou”

As I lay there once more trying to find something on TV to watch the phone rang.
It was my brother wanting to know if I had a key to the kitchen door.

HAHAHAHA going for cookies eh.

Have a nice day

Walker