blue moon (2)

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The Day After Yesterday ©

It’s 3 am so I’ll start this post now and see if I could finish it by next week.
You don’t mind five or six to be continueds.
I know Scarlet would just love me if I did.
ItisI would use her little way to guilt me into tell her a bit of it like always.
I can't really say no to a friend who's been reading me for over three years now.
So I tell her to make her happy then just change it after then watch her look all over the post the next day to find it.
I torture her because I love her so much, it doesn't mean she isn't a pain in the butt sometimes.
Just remember that people, the more I love you the more I'll torture you.
There goes my social life.

I’ve been trying to collect my thoughts after scattering them all over the fucken place and I just painted to.
Seeing as I couldn't get my thoughts together I decided it was time I cleans the brain and replaced it with some more productive images so I called Mike and asked him if her wanted to go to the strip club and check out the new Barbies dancing there, Mike like blondes with small boobs.
I didn’t have to wait for an answer he was pounding on the door.
No really he was.
He was walking up the laneway when I called his fucking cell phone.

I like going to the strip club with Mike, it’s cheaper to take a girl to the Champaign room that way.
He’s short so he only stares at her pussy and I like boobs so I enjoy that, otherwise we’d each have to pay thirty bucks each and a lot of T&A would go to waste and fifteen bucks to blindly stare at a nice pair of hooters is still cheaper than picking up a couple of chicken breasts from the supermarket.

Now you could pay the hooker outside the supermarket door to show you her boobs but it would cost me at least $3500 to get what I want.
That’s including paying for the breast implants that most of the hookers around here so desperately need.
So you see going to the strip club is cheaper than buying chicken or paying for a hooker.
Besides it’s our contribution to conservation and the education of struggling University Students and for 200 bucks they can show you why they deserve an “A+” for biology class.

After getting our fill of fake blondes.
Fake tits
And fake smiles
We got rid of our fake dollars and came home to have a couple more beers and smoke a few.

We sat watching a couple of mixed martial arts fights on TV and both came to the same conclusion.
We won’t be trying that any time soon.
The only mixed martial arts bout I’m willing to get into is with a couple of oriental chicks and a bottle of Bordeaux to simulate the blood I plan on licking off of their bodies.

Go get my fucken head bashed in for a CHANCE to win 10,000 bucks and the right to say you’re a touch man.
I take a gun down there and see how fast they give me the fucken money without wasting any energy.
Who’s the tough guy NOW you tough guy wannabes EH!!!!

And some of the names they use.
You see, when you want to be a pugilist, that’s someone who beats the snot out of someone else for money unless they get the snot beat out of them then they need good insurance, you need a mean name to scare the shit out of the other guy like this one guy.

John “The Garbage Man” Smith
This Huge 300 pound Behemoth walks out onto the ring looking like he ate razor blades for breakfast and was now trying to crap them out.
Just before each bout they have a little interview and when they asked why he was called “The Garbage Man” I figure he was going to say that he is called that because he beats his opponents into garbage piles.
But no, he is called “The Garbage Man” because ummmmmm……… he is a garbage man.

Boy, really creative there bud.
Could have picked up a name like, THOR!!!!!!!!!!!
Or maybe, HEMAN!!!!!!!!!!

On the other side of the ring his opponent stumbles into the ring.
His name is Simon “Let Me Live” Stankowski
He was only 200 pounds.
In the interview they asked him why he entered the competition and he said to prove that jerking off really is like working out with hand weights.
Woooooooo Hooooooo WTG Simon!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ref gets them in the center of the ring.

The Garbage man is foaming at the mouth
Simon has a blank stare

The Garbage Man tells him he’s going to rip his head off and shit down the fucken hole
Simon’s stare intensifies as his eyes glazed over bringing up, The STARE

“YOU’RE GOING DOWN MOTHER FUCKER”!!!!! bellowed from the Garbage Man’s lips at the sound of the bell as he slowly drifted forward towards the canvas and a quick slumber while Simon stood in the center of the ring trying to push the image of his mother in law out of his head.
That’s what happens when you have a big mouth, you bring out the worse in people.

I love boxing but some of this new stuff as exciting as it is it’s fucken painful to watch let alone get out there and do it.
Hey, I thought dogfights were illegal?

After about 4 hours Mike headed off home and I lay back to watch some TV when I got the munchies.
Smoking pot does that you know?

Once I used to eat pizza.
Lots of pizza.
In fact I ate so much pizza, when I went on a diet 3 pizzerias closed down and the only remaining one calls me and asks if I want to order anything this week.

Now I eat fruit.
LOTS of fruit.
My fridge is packed with plums, mangos, nectarines, green grapes and peaches.
Oh and a big fat watermelon chilling.
Lots of fiber there and it tastes better than that crap you buy and drink.

So I take a couple of plumes a peach then wash them before I head off back to the couch and TV.
I sat there eating fruit and watching TV until 4 am before I headed off to the land of the dead and large breasted strippers.

In the morning I woke up fine and rested.
In fact I was surprised the phone hadn’t woke me up with someone on the other side asking me if I want new windows or my mother wanting to know if I am awake.
Oh yeah my mother calls and says, “Are you awake”.
One day I’ll get her.
“No Ma, I’m sleeping still and we’re just dreaming this conversation”.

I go to the washroom and start reading an Easy Rider while sitting on the toilet.
Then it happens, the phone rings right in the middle of your business and I hate letting the phone ring because usually they never hang up the fucker and let it ring forever.
When I got back from spending six weeks in New Zealand my ringer was dead.
Nada
Not even a squeak.
It just winked at me when someone called.
That was freaky.
It would always go off when you got close to pick it up.
Like it knew you were going to pick it up.
Of course that was because I noticed it to late but when you’re stoned.
You don’t realize that and then you think it’s the Phone Police messing with your head because you cut the long distance plan off of your phone.

So quickly I got up and rushed to the phone just in the nick of time before my mother hung up.
“Hello”
“ You awake”?
“No, but my ass is in the washroom pretending it’s a lumberjack rolling logs”.

After hanging up on my mother I head on back to the washroom and reach out to flush the toilet.
I was in a hurry for the phone I don’t flush it.
Not that it waters since I live alone besides the cat and he better not fucken say anything considering his littler box is like a toxic waste disposal site.

I looked in the toilet and saw something besides the usual suspects.
I bend down to get a better look and at first I couldn’t figure it out and then it dawned on me.
Unfuckenbelievable

Have you noticed when you go buy fruits now every single fucken fruit has a small sticker on it that you practically have to tear the sin off of the fruit to get it off when you wash it.
Well it seems I missed one when I washed the fruit and Chiquita is now tagging my crap for quality control.

Ok I think I am either going nuts or there is a conspiracy by the Phone Police to drive me nuts.
Last night I go to Robyn’s and there is a post up that I leave a comment on and when I refresh the page my comments is there but the whole freaking post is different.
Ok that got straightened out, I think but I go now to Bollinger Byrd blog that I commented on before I went to bed. (pssst stop in and read latest her post).
There were two pictures up that I left a comment on and today they are still there but NOW there is a long post there too and another picture.
I SWEAR it wasn’t there at 4 am.
I don’t really smoke or drink that much.
I know I’m getting a little older but………

I must be going nuts
These nice peopple wouldn't be messing with my head or would they, hmmmm.............

Have a nice day

Walker

13 comments:

Scarlet said...

Thanks ..... now i've got the goddamn Chiquita Banana song running around my head AND I have a horrifying mental image of Carmen Miranda clinging on to your crap and dancing around the toilet bowl!

Wanna know what's even worse?
I no longer indulge in the 'forbidden fruit'!
I am 100% stone cold sober.

Sad really .....

Anonymous Boxer said...

Crap me too. I just got Mamma Mia out of my head and now this. :-)

Happy Wednesday Walker.

gab said...

lol....I'll comment later when I stop laughing!

Robyn said...

Walker! You are so silly...I was messing around with my post last night and you must have seen one that was totally not ready to go out! Don't ask me how I did it...but it happened! I am so sorry to f*ck with your 'smoked out' mind!

But thanks for the link back to my blog! For the blog love...

well, work sucked with a big ol' S! Nothing ever changes, it is the same crap one day from the next just a different day of the week. The only exciting thing that happened today was my union held a informational picket! lights, cameras, action! All the major tv people were there! We are fighting for our contract. We are working without one at this momment. My damn company makes millions and doesn't want to give us cost of living wages!
Too tired to keep going on...and since this tired ass has 3 more days of back to back torture this should prove to be fun!
NOT!
Love ya,
Robyn

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hahahaha! I loved the comment from Robyn (I feel as if I'm talking about myself...lol). How funny.

Lordy, Chiquita going through the long and winding road of your gut...she is one gutsy gal! (Sorry).

Bud said...

Thanks for that fun excursion through Walker World. I love the line about paying strippers is just supporting poor college students. I'll have to try that.

Monogram Queen said...

Now I am jonesing for watermelon at work.. and I didn't bring any. I do, however have one at home. I need to stock up. Oh how I love love love me some watermelon!

How kind of you & Mike to support those poor college students!!!

Michael Manning said...

Walker: You could change the name of this Blogsite to "OPA!"

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for your words of iron in support of my friend Gunner in his battle with cancer. Words are really powerful and yours resonate! Thank you my friend!

BikerCandy said...

What are you always doing up at 4:00 am? I think that is your problem! You ARE actually asleep at that hour and all the stuff you thought you read was all in your dreams. :)

Robyn said...

Walker! Where are you dear friend! Are you sleeping?! YOu can't be! NO way! I won't believe it...you are ALWAYS up. Well miss you! And sent you some email love!
Come say hello again...I love seeing you! It always makes my day!
Hugs,
Robyn

And you will not believe the shit that happened today at my job! My manager actually cried...well not for me but still very weird crap!

Robyn said...

Walker....it's your friendly stocker! Where are you doll?! This is so not like you...or maybe it is! Is this the weekend for the annual BBQ?! Damn...and I am missing it! Well, whereever you are hope you are having a blast! Miss ya and love ya!
Robyn

gab said...

Well gosh.....I forgot to come back and comment! Aw well its probably for the best!

Suzanne said...

While all the naked women, small titties, big titties, little asses, big asses, college students praying for cash, etc. are interesting, my only concern is the overfilled litter box. NO, I'm not kidding. "Robyn, am I kidding?"

Robyn: "No Walker, trust me, she isn't kidding."

No Walker, I'm not kidding. You're kitty deserves a clean litter box, so stop slacking off and do the right thing. NO, I'M NOT KIDDING!!! That is really irresponsible. You're better than that. You are, aren't you? Otherwise I'm on the wrong fu$%^#g blog. Don't make me come up there.