blue moon (2)

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

What's So Funny? ©

The other day I wandered into my mother’s kitchen from the back door and found two uncles an aunt and my parents laughing uncontrollably.
Hmm, knowing them someone must have farted
I asked them what was so funny and they said that so and so died and they burst out laughing again.
Well, I’m happy to see they have realized how funny death really is.

Maybe how he died was funny so I asked how he died.
They said he had a heart attack then burst into laughter again.
I walked over to the wall that separates our two houses and sniffed around looking for the smell of pot.
I had just smoked a joint and maybe some seeped through the wall and they’re all stoned.

I thought it might have been some weird story like when my uncle was killed.
He had gone out hunting with his Friend Buddy and Pal one day and neither of them returned.
After being missing for ten hours at group of men headed out to the wooded area they were known to hunt to look for them.
They didn’t have to go far into the woods to find my uncle sprawled out on the ground with his chest blown open.
His shotgun lay next to him empty

Immediately the crowd formed the scenario in their heads.
Best Buddy and Pal must have shot uncle and ran off into the woods but before he was killed, uncle put up a gunfight.
Now the search turned into a manhunt.
Not far from the body of my uncle they discovered a shot partridge lying dead next to a bush.
Another piece of the puzzle was formed.

My uncle must have shot the bird and found himself with an empty gun when the murderer showed up and killed him.
The crowd was now furious because it was cold blooded murder and stomped off into the woods to find Best Buddy and Pal to shoot the fucker before arresting him.

About 15 yards into the woods, behind a tall bush they came across the body of Best Buddy and Pal shot through the chest and his gun lying next to him empty.
Everyone stood there for a few minutes in silence taking in the whole scene when as if on queue, they all burst out in laughter and saying what a bunch of morons that they were.
They both had shot at the same partridge and the same time from opposite ends and killed each other

For the next four years the families of both friends fought over the custody of the shot bird until last week when the judge ruled in my uncle’s families favour sighting that his body was closer to the kill.

Now that’s funny, not he had a heart attack.

Or Buddy up the street a couple of years ago that decided to kill three birds with one stone.
First he was moving on his birthday.
Second he had a birthday moving party thus having people around to celebrate and help him move.
Three, getting drunk while moving and decided that he could lower the couch from the balcony with a rope that was ten feet to short and the best place to tie off the other end was to his waist just in case the rope slipped from his hands.

Now for those of you who have never had to move a large piece of furniture from an apartment building, lowering it from the balcony is not uncommon and a good idea but I would like to share a couple of tips with you.

First, measure how far down it is from your balcony, then add another twenty feet for insurance.
Next, when buying a rope, ask the clerk on it’s rating so you know how much it can hold.
20-pound test fishing line doesn’t work.

After you have your rope, assemble your friends to help you.
Using your pets is a bad idea.
DO NOT give beer to friends before they help you lower said furniture.

After tying the rope snugly to the item you want to be lowering give it a couple of good hard tugs so you know it won’t come off.
Loop the rope around the railing a couple of times to create friction and help you lower it slowly.
When you are ready then get your friends to SLOWLY put it over the side.

1... 2.... 3..... HEEEEEEEEEEVE HO then up and over IS BAD!!!!!!!!!

I wish I had the time to tell Buddy these tips but what can I say other than I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself when I heard about it.
I know it’s sad what happened but fuck off, what the fuck are people learning is school now a days?
People, math is your friend, especially when you’re lowering a couch from forty feet up.

Buddy joins the ranks of the other math class failures like the three buddies lowering a fridge from the fifth floor.
They were smarter than Buddy.
They tied the other end to the railing and to be safe, see they put safety first, they each wore a safety belt which they attached to the railing.

Now if they had only listened in math class and measured the length of rope they needed they wouldn’t be with Buddy.
Oh you are thinking, but they had safely belts on and you would be right.
They pushed the fridge up and it slipped over the side and headed to the bottom like a missile but the rope was to short and when it reached the end it yanked the railing off the balcony and the three idiots strapped to it.

See, this shit is funny not a heart attack.

I looked at them as they laughed and told them it wasn’t funny in the sternest voice I could conjure up.
My uncle said yes it was and they started laughing again.
I asked him what part of a friend of their dieing from a heart attack was funny?

My uncle said that their friend had been sick for years.
His chest looked like a railroad track from all of the operations he had had over the last ten years in an effort to keep him alive.
In his youth and for most of his life he was a big eater.
He was one of those people who would eat two chickens and a bowl of potatoes and still weigh the same after a good burp, (I hate those people).
For the last five years his diet has been restricted to bland tasteless food, void of flavours he was used too.

The other day a friend of his stopped in to see him at the hospital while his son had gone home for a rest.
He told his friend that his time was up and how he wished he had one last good meal before he died.
His friend had known him for sixty years and comes from a way of life that would be criminal today.
He got up and went to the locker and got his friends clothes and told him to get dressed.
They were going for lunch.
His friend got out of bed easily as he wasn’t hooked up to anything.
The had a gizmo on his wrist they gave him shot in or hooked up to an IV but for now he was free of any anchors.

They got into his car and drove to a Greek restaurant where they went NUTS.
The owners knew him for years also and when his friend told them why he was there they pulled out all the stops.
He ate roast lamb, fish, souvlaki; stuff he wasn’t allowed to eat for years and he drank a bottle and a half of wine on his own.
After they had a couple of Ouzos before he drove his friend back to the hospital.
The old man sat in the car on the way stuffed to the gills; he thanked his friend for the lunch.

When they got to the hospital the son was there with his wife and they were worried about the whereabouts of his father.
Some words were raised but it was all swept away quickly.
About an hour later while other family members had joined in the room to visit him, things came to an end swiftly.
The family gathered around him as did his friend and said a small prayer for him.
As they all stood there in silence, he let go a loooooooooong stinky fart.
The guy was dead but he could still fart and that’s why they were all laughing.
See I knew there would be a fart involved somewhere.

Before you take off to the next blog tell me which of the four stories you read isn’t true?
Three are, but one I made up.

Have a nice day

Walker

17 comments:

BikerCandy said...

Well, I have to say my guess is the hunting uncle who was shot by his friend instead of the bird they were both shooting at. Am I right?

Lynilu said...

I have no idea which was false, but they are all hilarious!

Scarlet said...

PLEASE tell me they didn't use 20-pound test?
I mean, if this story IS true! ;) lol
If it is, then this story needs to be submitted to the Darwin Awards!

Now, for my guess ..... I'd have to say the morons with the refrigerator and safety belts (yet another Darwin Award nominee ... IF true!)

So what did I win for being right?

nachtwache said...

My guess is the same as scarlet, attaching the safety belts to the railing... then again, people do stupid things. I can't wait to find out for sure.
Definitely Darwin Award worthy.
My mom's cousin died while hunting, but on his own, he shot a deer and was so happy, he had a heart attack. I guess it's nice to go out happy, the living are left to clean up and air out the room.

Michael Manning said...

Very sorry to hear of this loss, Walker.

Tammi said...

WALKER!!
Are you purposely TRYING to drive me crazy?Or is this a plot you have going with my damn family to send me over the edge so you can finally lock me away in a mental health ward(careful what I call those places,as my sister has been in and out for YEARS)lol.
I went thru all of the damn stories believing each one---You peckerwood You!!lol
My best educated guess would say the bird story is full of birdshit! Am I right?

Luka said...

I thought they were all daft enough to be real!

I will guess the railings one was false.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: That's a good guess and one I may have picked also and probably the guy with the couch would have been right up there. I can't someone being that stupid as to tie a fridge to his body and toss it over the side like an anchor

Walker said...

Lynilu: I thought there were funny too.
Some accidents are stupid because people just don;t stop to think what they are doing and when it goes wrong the stupidest part is they can't understand why

Walker said...

Scarlet: You don't need to win a Prize, you're already a Prize :D

Walker said...

nachtwache: I never want to be that happy LOL
We all make stupid decisions that make many people cry others laugh and some laugh so hard that they cry

Walker said...

Michael Manning: Thanks, he had a good long life even if some of it was plagued with medical problems and will remembered fondly

Walker said...

Tammi: LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
I have never been called a peckerwood before.
These stories are all out there but the answer is simple if you think a little.
It's the subtle things in life that tell you more than the obvious.

Walker said...

Luka: THey were crazy wern't they.
I have heard some really whacky stuff, like a guy standing behind a truck directing the driver to back up and when the driver looked away and then back the man was gone but continued to back up until he got to the spot where he was to park
The looked for the man who was directing hiom and they couldn;t find him.
About an hour later they heard a faint voice coming from under the truck but when they looked they couldn;t see anything.
Moving the truck they found the man 10 feet under the truck.
The earth had given way and the man fell into a sinkhole and the truck parked over it obscuring it from the searchers

Gypsy said...

Ok my guess is the fridge story but then again surely that first one about the bird is too whacky to be true.

Ok I'll say the fridge...surely nobody is that dumb.

Although...I was once engaged to an Italian man who was sweet but as dumb as dirt I'm sorry to say. He lived on the side of a hill and his driveway was a steep 60 degree slope. One day a trailer full of bricks was in his way so he thought he would just lower it slowly down the driveway by hand. Uh huh...do I need to finish this story? Luckily for him there was no house opposite at the time nor anyone coming down the road.

Moral of the story...people do dumb things so it could be any one of them :)

Monogram Queen said...

My guess is the main (food/fart) one but I honestly have no idea! LOL They are all funny in a sad way of course.

Peter said...

I'm guessing the fridge story is false, I always check the Darwin awards and that would have had to feature in them... then again... why wouldn't all the others too??