PP ©

The phone rang at 8 am.
My eyes cracked slightly open and tried to focus on the display screen.
I can’t see shit without my glasses and given the fact that my brain was still fuzzy as a peach I don’t think the glasses would have helped much either.
Just like those 3 scotches and the joint I had didn’t help the fact that I had drank all those bourbons the night before.

I closed the crack and tried to go back to sleep but……..there was something funny about the bed.
I rolled over and found myself in a sea of water.
WTF?
That woke me up a lot quicker than the phone.

I rolled to the left to get away from the soaked mattress but there was no escaping it so I rolled off of the bed and peeked over the top and stared at the wet sheets.
I reached down and grabbed my crotch and I was soaked as was my T-Shirt.
You know what I was thinking, I pissed the bed, and I have never done it before, not even as a kid.

I get up and slowly pull at the sheets until they are completely off and stare at the bed.
I have a king size bed and the whole thing was practically soaked from top to bottom and all the way through I found out as I knelt down to take a lot underneath.
I felt embarrassed even though I was alone but……..this was a lot of pee compared to how much I drank the night before and none of it was beer.
I KNOW I went before I crawled into bed that morning so how much could I have been fucken storing in my bladder to turn my bed into a pond.
The pillows were soaked all the way through too.

Walking around the bed to get to the other pillows I found myself standing on a wet carpet.
Great I must have pissed on the floor too.
T turn and go to the washroom and come back with an armful of towels and start putting them on the mattress to try and soak up the wetness.
I through the dirty towels I got out of the hamper on the carpet to soak up all that water.

As I was standing there I heard the beep beep of my brother’s car alarm and I leaned on the window sill and my hands found themselves immersed in water.
Great, I must have woke up in the middle of the night drunk and tried to piss through the fucken screen and got most of it inside instead of out and the freaking curtains were soaked to.
I started wondering what else I pissed on.
I am like a walking fire hydrant.
If there is a fire just call me and I’ll run over piss on it.
Taking some of the towels off of the mattress I start wiping down the windowsill.

After I had as much water and I could get with the towels I pulled the mattress off of the box springs and leaned it up against the window to dry and figure out how I was going to fucken steam clean a mattress.
At least there wasn’t a big yellow stain in the center of it.

Having done all of that I had to go to the washroom.
Believe it or not I had to go for a piss.
Where they hell was it all coming from?
I took a shower, a really good one and when I got out of the shower I went to dry myself and all that was left in the linen closed was hand towels because all the other ones were wet in the hamper.
10 hand towels later and I was as dry as a seal swimming in the ocean.

After getting dressed I went to the head of the stairs and Frick was at the bottom staring up at me looking kind of scared.
I must have pissed on him too.
Downstairs I grabbed a coke and went next door to my parents place to check and see how they were doing.
No sooner had I walked through the back door my mother asked me where I was the night before.
I told her I was sleeping.
She said everyone was outside at 4am because hell had broken loose from the heavens and we had our worse storm in years pass through with lightning strikes everywhere and rain, LOTS of rain that whipped the whole area.
My father’s garden was a wreck and there were tree limbs scattered all over the place.

She said there were people outside watching in come down like a waterfall pounding on the rocks.
She said it was a good thing then managed to get all the windows closed before the worse of it hit.
I sat there listening to her recount of the night before then when she was done I got up and went back home.
I went up to my bedroom and stood infront of my bedroom windows and they were wide open like they had been the night before and have been for the last month.

I didn’t piss on the bed.
I slept through a fucken hurricane instead and didn’t even wake up when the water was pouring down on me.
What a relief.

Good scotch

Have a nice day

Walker