blue moon (2)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

PP ©

The phone rang at 8 am.
My eyes cracked slightly open and tried to focus on the display screen.
I can’t see shit without my glasses and given the fact that my brain was still fuzzy as a peach I don’t think the glasses would have helped much either.
Just like those 3 scotches and the joint I had didn’t help the fact that I had drank all those bourbons the night before.

I closed the crack and tried to go back to sleep but……..there was something funny about the bed.
I rolled over and found myself in a sea of water.
That woke me up a lot quicker than the phone.

I rolled to the left to get away from the soaked mattress but there was no escaping it so I rolled off of the bed and peeked over the top and stared at the wet sheets.
I reached down and grabbed my crotch and I was soaked as was my T-Shirt.
You know what I was thinking, I pissed the bed, and I have never done it before, not even as a kid.

I get up and slowly pull at the sheets until they are completely off and stare at the bed.
I have a king size bed and the whole thing was practically soaked from top to bottom and all the way through I found out as I knelt down to take a lot underneath.
I felt embarrassed even though I was alone but……..this was a lot of pee compared to how much I drank the night before and none of it was beer.
I KNOW I went before I crawled into bed that morning so how much could I have been fucken storing in my bladder to turn my bed into a pond.
The pillows were soaked all the way through too.

Walking around the bed to get to the other pillows I found myself standing on a wet carpet.
Great I must have pissed on the floor too.
T turn and go to the washroom and come back with an armful of towels and start putting them on the mattress to try and soak up the wetness.
I through the dirty towels I got out of the hamper on the carpet to soak up all that water.

As I was standing there I heard the beep beep of my brother’s car alarm and I leaned on the window sill and my hands found themselves immersed in water.
Great, I must have woke up in the middle of the night drunk and tried to piss through the fucken screen and got most of it inside instead of out and the freaking curtains were soaked to.
I started wondering what else I pissed on.
I am like a walking fire hydrant.
If there is a fire just call me and I’ll run over piss on it.
Taking some of the towels off of the mattress I start wiping down the windowsill.

After I had as much water and I could get with the towels I pulled the mattress off of the box springs and leaned it up against the window to dry and figure out how I was going to fucken steam clean a mattress.
At least there wasn’t a big yellow stain in the center of it.

Having done all of that I had to go to the washroom.
Believe it or not I had to go for a piss.
Where they hell was it all coming from?
I took a shower, a really good one and when I got out of the shower I went to dry myself and all that was left in the linen closed was hand towels because all the other ones were wet in the hamper.
10 hand towels later and I was as dry as a seal swimming in the ocean.

After getting dressed I went to the head of the stairs and Frick was at the bottom staring up at me looking kind of scared.
I must have pissed on him too.
Downstairs I grabbed a coke and went next door to my parents place to check and see how they were doing.
No sooner had I walked through the back door my mother asked me where I was the night before.
I told her I was sleeping.
She said everyone was outside at 4am because hell had broken loose from the heavens and we had our worse storm in years pass through with lightning strikes everywhere and rain, LOTS of rain that whipped the whole area.
My father’s garden was a wreck and there were tree limbs scattered all over the place.

She said there were people outside watching in come down like a waterfall pounding on the rocks.
She said it was a good thing then managed to get all the windows closed before the worse of it hit.
I sat there listening to her recount of the night before then when she was done I got up and went back home.
I went up to my bedroom and stood infront of my bedroom windows and they were wide open like they had been the night before and have been for the last month.

I didn’t piss on the bed.
I slept through a fucken hurricane instead and didn’t even wake up when the water was pouring down on me.
What a relief.

Good scotch

Have a nice day



Susan said...

I love storms and torential downpours! Too bad you missed all the excitement.
At least you can salvage the mattress!

Scarlet said...

Now THAT is one HELLUVA bender you had on Walker!


See what happens when you hang with the 'bad crowd'?! ;D

Gypsy said...

Now that was one of the good things I forgot to mention on your last post about the good old days. I loved sleeping like the dead for hours, now I'm lucky if I can manage 3 hours straight.

I once slept through the house across the road being on fire complete with fire engines, police cars, lights, sirens, the works.....

My nickname was possum because I could sleep absolutely anywhere...even sitting up at a party with a drink in my hand and not spilling a drop :)

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha Walker, you had me there, but I knew something was up.
Wow.. you can sleep through anything? I wish I were that way.. I wake up at the slightest sound...

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hah! A kindred spirit...and I don't mean the bed wetting kind. I, too, sleep through storms, tropical ones that are very noisy, violent and often destructive.

I get up the next day, see all the havoc around and wonder what the hell happened during the night.

I have a clear conscience which is why I sleep well...we'll say you have too, Walker, and quietly not mention the amount of booze you had the night before. Heheh!

Michael Manning said...

Walker: Sounds like a call to the water damage specialist is in order. Wait, Wait! Don't use a land line while standing in water! That could be a shocking experience! :D)

Monogram Queen said...

Whew that is a relief that you didn't piss on Frick!!! LOL

That must have been some storm!

Walker said...

Susan: I love storms to and could be found standing in one with my mother screaming at me to get in before I catch a cold.

Walker said...

Scarlet: Oh yeah, I don;t drink much anymore and being a bing drinker it hit me hard.
All the boys are bing drinkers and at Archies they drink like that every day. That's why I hide inside at home otherwise I'd become a piss tank in no time hanging out with them

Walker said...

Gypsy: I don;'t sleep much, four hours a day so when I pass out like that and sleep for hours its a good thing.
The hang over though I can do without LOL

Walker said...

jyankee : When I'm drunk I can sleep through a war LOL
I guess I am like my father in that HA HA HA

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: I sleep with a clear concience and sleep well when I get there. What I do wake up to sometimes is when the time I died creaps into my thoughts and I wake up in a cold sweat as oppossed to waking up in a wet bed lol

Walker said...

Michael Manning: I could wear my hip waders ;)

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Frick must be relieved I didn't pee on him to but I bet the thunder storm scared the pee out of him because he pissed next to the box instead of in it

Robyn said...

*runs over and throws hands around neck and give a big ol' squeeze and kiss (on cheek..wink!)* Thanks for your always so very sweet comments! You are a sweety!! yOu must have really been lit not to realize you were in the middle of drowning! LMAO! Hope you don't get mold dear heart!

Suzanne said...

I found you via Robyn, and look, she's sitting on my head. I thought your comment was genuinely wonderful, so had to take a peek.

Your post is hilarious. I laughed way to hard. I needed that. Thanks! I'll be frank, I don't think you can salvage the mattress cuz it'll be kinda nasty with mold AND bed mites. Good luck with that. Oh, and with the drinking. Hopefully you'll ease off over the years.

Nice meeting you. I'll be back. I'll put you on my blog roll as soon as I put everyone else back on. I accidently deleted it. Ugh.

Suzanne XO

Tammi said...

You little wiener!!
You had me going there for a minute! The whole time I kept thinking to myself:Daaannng,I've posted some really embarrassing stuff before,but THIS takes the friggin cake!

Walker said...

Robyn: I hope I don't but I dried the matress as best as I could and then I used a steam iron to blast through the matress hoping to kill anything that might decide to live in it LOL

Walker said...

Suzanne: Welcome and ythionk you for stopping by.
I try to squeeze a laugh out of people since I realy can't reach out for a real squeeze ;)
I will stop by your place as soon as I can :)

Walker said...

Tammi : Hey, you know I don;t spare myself from my own stupidity but I am really happy I didn't piss the bed LOL

Lindy said...

Damn, dude, you sound like your having my kind of day. You could salvage the mattress? Maybe set it out in the sun on the porch & keep flipping it. You'd be surprised what fresh air & sun can do. The question is could you salvage poor soaking wet Frick?