Oh Well ©

HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA
Come on
Everyone laugh with me.

Today was one of those days where if shit could fly, then the fucker flew.

Weird, yeah it was weird.
Did I want to kill someone today?
Why only one?
Did I want to get fucked by someone today?
Why only one?

So, did I kill anyone?
No, but I wish I did.
Did I get laid?
No, but I wish I did.
Did I get fucked today?
Damn right I did, all day and up to the second I started writing this post.

My day started as It always does until noon when I got ready to go out.
My father was waiting in the car for me.
For the last month and a half I have been shopping and today was the last day where I pay for a little piece of the rock.
$31,500 to be exact.
That’s the cost of eight holes in the ground with a marker telling everyone whom they are stepping on.

Today I went with my father; I had previously gone with my uncles so they could see their graves.
Actually Mike went with my two uncles two weeks earlier as I was busy.
Both brothers got into a fight as to who was getting what hole and in which direction they wanted to face.

When they got back Mike filled me in on the whole thing.
First one wanted to be this way and the other on the opposite side but then the sun rising became an issue so the both flipped to the other side so their heads would face south.
Hold on, I’m not done yet.
Then they wrestled who would be on the east side.
The oldest won out because well, he is the oldest.

Today I had the pleasure of taking my father along while I went to pay for all of this.
While we were there I asked him if he wanted to go look at it and he said he would so I took the grave salesman and we headed off to have a look see.
He walked around it stomped his feet on the ground then looked at me and said something in Greek.
He walked around the blood red granite headstone to the other side and looked at the ones my uncles had and stomped on the ground on that side then came back and said something to me in Greek.

The grave salesman looked at me with this questioning look on his face.
You got to feel sorry for grave salesmen; they never get repeat business like car salesmen.
He came over and asked me if there was something wrong.
Wearing my straightest face I told him that my father said he doesn’t believe that there is good drainage here and wants to know if he could get some weeping tiles and a sump pump installed too.

You should have seen the look on his face. he thought I was serious especially with my father nodding at him.
I asked my father if he was ready to go back and sign the papers and he said yeah and as he was leaving he stopped at a massive jet-black granite headstone and asked me whose that was.
I just grinned at him and walked away.

So, we got all that out of the way and I headed off to Home Depot to pick up some paint for the kitchen.
When I get back home and walk through my back door I see the place is full of flies, big ugly bastards.
WTF, hundreds of them all over the place and Frick was going bananas.
He was chasing them all over the place but couldn't focus on one because another would fly past his face spoiling his aim.
No sooner than I got the door closed, the cans down when the phone rang.
I didn’t know what to do so I went for the phone while I stared at the flies wondering if it was going to rain frogs soon.

My brother is on the phone telling me they have to leave town NOW and they are leaving their dog with me for three days as I watch Frick getting mobbed in the corner by a swarm of flies.
I tell him yeah ok, hang up the phone and run to help Frick.
I managed to save Frick.


Not really a picture of Frick but looks as frazzled

It looks like I left the back window open just enough for them to come in from where my father keeps the garbage.
I couldn’t open the window to get most of them to go out because I think there were more out there waiting to come in than I wanted to chase out so I pulled out a fly swatter settled down for the siege.
It was a massacre in the beginning, it’s not like I could fucken miss even with my eyes closed.
When I whittled them down to fifty or so when the doorbell went off and Biggie arrived.
My SIL’s Maltese

Frick wasn’t happy to see him again and gave him a snarl before he regrouped in the basement.
I asked them, did you walk the dog first and she said yes so I let him go and went to barricade the kitchen so only Frick could get in.

It was at about this time I sat at the computer to look at my blog and maybe write a post when I noticed that Blogger wouldn’t open up. Everything else did but Blogger. I thought Blogger must be down.
That wouldn’t be anything new but when I got an email telling me I got a comment I went to see it but again I couldn’t get into Blogger.
I deleted temp files and cookies them tried again but still nothing.

Curious I fired up the HP next to me and tried to get into Blogger from there and got in without a problem.
Hmmm. Trouble.
The Dell is my baby, the one I do all my work on and write all my posts on.
The HP is brand new and hardly used but a dog compared to this one.
Frick has the laptop now and doesn’t like when I used it so I had to get the Dell working again.

Just as I was about to get down to figuring it all out my mother called to tell me her satellite was down and if I could fix it.
I told her I was busy and she told me she was busy to but still gave birth to me.
I told her I would see what I could do then hung up the phone.
I needed to go to a website to check for her satellite and when I went there it wouldn’t open up.
That’s when I noticed that the computer was getting sluggish.

I ran the virus scanner and sat back to wait for the results when the phone rang, it was my brother telling me why I didn’t have my mothers satellite running.
He is 400 miles away and she called to tell him her dish was down and they couldn’t watch the fucken Greek news.
Who cares what’s happening in Greece.
I wonder how many Greeks in Greece sit back for 12 hours watching Canadian news.

I told him my computer was down and I couldn’t get to the site and would deal with it when I could then hung up and went back to the computer when the doorbell rang.
What next eh.
I got up and went to the door, it was a friend of mine, she said she was driving by and thought she’d stop over for some fun.

Oh man, wanted to say yes but fun with her is an all nighter sex drugs and rock and roll and it was only 4pm.
I said no that I was busy.
I almost swallowed my tongue.
I said no to anything I want and I mean anything.

Oh she tried and she almost succeeded but the fucken phone was ringing and I know who it was.
At the door on her way out she rolled up her skirt and showed me how she’d forgot her panties at home.

Bitch.

It took over and hour to finish the scan and it showed that I had the bubonic plague for computers.
At least 105 files were infested; I knew I shouldn’t have used the customer’s disks.
I tried cleaning them and got all out so says the virus checker and my other software found 15 worms.
I was beginning to feel like a big trout about now.
I did my best to clean up the mess but when I rebooted I had lost most of my operating system and things were crashing all over.

The only thing left to do was wipe it all out but first I had to save my posts at least. There are over 700 in that file alone.
I figured it was the safest to clean and back up without spreading the plague on a new installation.

After moving all my personal files I wiped out everything else including a 1000 mp3s, that was the easy part.
What I didn’t realize was that I needed special Dell drivers for the computer that I didn’t have because THEY don’t send them to you any more because you can get them from the web site.
Smart eh?

BUT IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE FUCKEN DRIVERS FOR THE DAMN NETWORK CARD YOU CAN’T GET ON FUCKEN LINE AND YOUR WEBSITE YOU BUNCH OF FUCKEN GENIUSES!!!!!!!!

Ok, I feel better now.

I used my HP to go to their site and try and find my drivers then download them to a memory stick to transfer over to the other one.
On their website they ask you to put in a service tag number to make life EASIER for you.
Want to make my life easier, just shoot yourself for me instead of having me go to your website to download drivers.

I look at the computer for the service number and it’s on the top of the case in these itsy bitsy microscopic freaking small letters and numbers.
Squinting I copy the number down and put it into the search box and it comes back with drivers for my computer.
It seemed easy enough so I downloaded them.
Took about thirty minutes and then moved them to the other computer where I spent 2 fucken hours attempting to load them.

I didn’t know if I was more mad or more frustrated.
Maybe I was going through menopause or maybe I talk to too many women who knows but what I did know was that windows was telling me that these were NOT the drivers for my computer and in no way shape or form was it going to install them.

I was going insane.
Just then the phone rang.
I picked it up and told my mother that I hadn’t gotten the file yet.
It was my neighbor.
She wanted to know if I would like if she came over to watch a movie.
Hmmm, we never watch movies.
I try; it’s her.
The neighborhood is getting rough.

I tell her that I was busy BUT she could stop by and watch a movie in the morning.
Hey, I’m not totally stupid.
She said she’ll bring the popcorn and we could butter it together but she had to be gone by 11 am.
Beggars can’t be choosers.

By 9pm and out of ideas I rolled and smoke a joint and sat back staring at the computer in a daze.
When I smoke, I get focused on what I’m doing and think of stuff I may not have though of as I did now.
I was staring at the computer I looked at the service number and started thinking how stupid they were for making it so small.

While sitting there killing flies, out of impulse I reached into my drawer and came out with the magnifying glass then leaned over the top of the computer and took a good look at the service number again.

With my naked eyes I read “JJ87Y81”
With the magnifying glass I read “JJB7YB1”
For three hours I was trying to load the wrong drivers because I mistook the “B” for an ‘8’.
Just think of this.
What are the odds that Dell would have a computer with the service code number with the only difference being the “Bs” were “8s”

Now armed with the right drivers I only download the network card drivers and installed them first that way I could access the Dell site and download them straight to the computer.
The whole thing took an hour this time because of downloading and installing directly to the computer.
Just as it was all fixed I loaded up Blogger and my blog opened up without a glitch then I installed MSOffice Suite and all was well once more.
Well as well as it can be after loosing almost everything.
Just then the phone rang and it was Ms No Panties calling to see if I had anything to do tomorrow.
I told her I was busy in the morning but free all afternoon.
I’ll bring the popcorn.

Now that put a smile on my face so I went to the site and got what I needed to fix my mother's dish and had them watching Greek news once again then was back home on the couch resting my sore ass.
I was sitting there think that it was a hell of a day but tomorrow was looking great.

That's when the damn phone rang.
It was my EX calling to tell me that she will be stopping by in the morning with my daughter.

Great.
I leaned back on the couch and looked down the hallway and could see my SILs dog humping his rolled up bed.
Well at least someone is getting something.

Have a nice day

Walker