blue moon (2)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Crappy Post ©

I have a million ideas for posts and I can’t choose one.
I hear people say all the time, “I don’t have nothing to post”?
That’s all crap.
Hell you could post about going for a crap.
How many people out there have some crappy stories they could post about?

This morning I’m sitting on the crapper, that’s toilet for those who don’t know the nickname, which is taken from its inventor, Thomas Crapper.
So basically when you tell people you’re going for a crap you’re actually saying you’re blowing a guy out of your ass.
Actually Thomas Crapper didn’t invent the toilet; he made it better than the guy who invented it.
Before when you flushed the water went up but Mr. Crapper got tired of fishing logs out of his boots every time he flushed so he invented a toilet where the water went down when you flushed.

I’m sitting on the toilet reading an Easy Rider; ok I was looking at the tits of the models when Biggie, SIL’s dog walks in.
He walks up to me as I am sitting on the toilet and sticks his head down the front of it.
I jump off of the toilet and wonder what the fuck is my SIL teaching the fucken dog.

Ok he’s friendly but I don’t want the dog’s head down the front of the toilet while I’m sitting on it.
Who knows what the little bastard will bite.
He chews everything he can get his mouth on.

I love the washroom/library and spend more time in there than anyone I know.
In fact if I say I’m going to the washroom and someone who knows me sees me pick up some reading material they run first because it’s going to be a while.
Oh and I love closing the door and smoking a joint in there.
A joint and a book, fuck I could stay in there for hours and not have to get up to go for a piss.

One day I was sitting on my thrown with my feet stretched out on top of the cast iron tub.
You know the ones with the clawed feet that were made in then twenties?
Real high and deep tubs.
Well I got my feet up there, a Louis L'Amour novel in my hands and I am reading mindlessly away when me, the toilet went straight down through the floor.

Holy crap batman.

It was an old house and the floor over the years of getting wet rotted out and decided to cave in right at the gunfight part.
If it weren’t for the joists, I would have had a toilet in the living room.
Needless to say I moved from that place.

My GF went out and bought one of those brown wooden toilet seats once and wanted me to install it.
I hated the seat and tried to talk her out of it.
I told her that she might get slivers in her butt one day but that didn’t work so I went to get my tools.

I sat down on the floor with the toilet between my legs and went to undue the screw holding the toilet seat to the toilet but it was rusted on there real good.
It wasn’t like the new ones today that have plastic wing nuts.
I fished out the vice grips from my tool kit and a socket wrench for the other side and proceeded to undue the bolt but it still wouldn’t give.
Now I was getting pissed.
I got some WD40 and sprayed the bolts and waited a bit.
After about fifteen minutes I tried again.
There was a slight movement in the bolt this time but it still didn’t unscrew.

I figured what was needed here was more power so I braced my legs on the wall behind the toilet and gave it everything I had.
Every once and pound of my being and put it behind my tools.


The toilet exploded into a million pieces with the water cascading off of the ceiling and raining back down on me.
That’s what the GF saw when she came to see what the commotion was.

My father built a washroom in his basement with his friend, another person who knows half of everything like my father.
That means he knows how to start something just not how to finish it.
I was not allowed to help because I don’t know anything as I was told which was fine by me.
Four days later my mother called me over to look at their new washroom.

I went downstairs and I must say it looked ok.
It wasn’t anything special, a toilet with a shower next to it.
I turned the water on the tub and it worked, the toilet flushed, it all seems good.
Scary if you think about it.
My father can’t read English so he didn’t read any instructions or anything like that they just stuck it all together.
Well, if it works that’s all that matters, right?

Later on that day I was sitting in the kitchen with my parents and my mother went to the new bathroom downstairs.
That’s about the time my brother went to use the new shower to, which was next to the washroom.
My father and I were talking when we heard the screams coming from the basement and then my mother running on all fours yelling about an earthquake.
It seems the whole toilet started shacking as she sat on it and scared the crap out of her.

My father in his infinite wisdom attached the cold water line going from the toilet to the new shower.
Then he didn’t strap the pipes to the wall to hold them but his biggest mistake was that he did the plumbing wrong on the shower.
You are supposed to cap the water lines past the shower valve then use a couple of “T” pipes to attach to the valve.
This way the pipes won’t shake behind the wall but my father didn’t do that.
He just ran the lines to the valve and when my brother turned the water on in the shower the pipes shuck and because they weren’t strapped to the wall they made the toilet shake all over the place with my mother on top riding it like a bull rider making her think there was an earthquake.

How do you like that crap for a post?

Have a nice day



Luka said...

I loved that crappy post!

Scarlet said...

You're just chock full of crap Walker!

Walker said...

Luka: I'm glad you love my crap :)

Walker said...

Scarlet: Yup, that's me, just full of it

Just telling it like it is said...

My family used to have a bathtub like that with the day I was taking a bath with my sister and she crapped in the tube...deboggled I jumped out and almost broke a leg...go figure?

Gypsy said...

Thankyou for sharing that craptacular post....I think :)

Robyn said...

gypsy that was good...really good! Damn now I am not sure what to say...CRAP! LMAO. Walker you just 'crack' me up with all your posts! Thanks for a good giggle...and what happened with lucky when she arrived again...can you run that by me one more time...! least someone came (by)!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Walker, you're so full of crap your eyes are brown!

Thanks for that load of crap...I think...smirk.

Bud said...

I can't think of any crapper stories to top those. I often wonder how those things work, though. Some kind of brown magic.

BikerCandy said...

Only you Walker...only you.

Hey, I'm changing my blog and making it private. Drop me an email if you still want to read.

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: I love those tubs, you can just lay back and soak in the, not like the new standard one where you get in and wash the floor at the same time.
I don't blamer you from jumping out at the resurfacing of the brown submarine.

Walker said...

Gypsy: You are crapaliciously welcome :)

Walker said...

Robyn: I am happy you got a giggle out of my post.
Lucky came by and I won the lottery ;)

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: They are brown in the winter and green in the summer.
My shit freezes in the winter LOL

Walker said...

Bud: Hey Bud, welcome :)
I think it gooes with how full of it you are for the magic to work.
Like Abra Crapabra

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Yes I would like to get permission to read your blog :)

Peter said...

When I reas that you were going to do a crappy post I just knew we were in for a good ride... not

Peter said...

I also read about that post.

Michael Manning said...

I first learned about Thomas Crapper from my 7th grade Science teacher. Her brother in law worked for Delta Air Lines and he was our Guest speaker one afternoon. I felt sorry for him when none of my classmates offered him questions, so I thought of one. I raised my hand and said "Would you say that propeller planes have been replaced by jets?" He answered it too!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Oooh that would be painful! BTW you have an award on my blog, Walker.

gab said...

well here the only place we call it the crapper is at the farm. Where someone took a seat and attached it to 4 metal legs......thats it nothing under it to catch a thing just the"crapper". Some day you and I will have to time ourselfs to see who takes the longest in the tolit! Everyone here thinks I spend way to much time in there especially since I dont wear makeup. And yes I have a book or two in there. We have a "soft" seat on ours. Today youngest son came outta bathroom and said to me "holy cow ma is your tolit gonna explode"? I said Why? He said " have ya ever heard the noise it makes when ya flush it"? Well duh every time I flush it! It sounds like something is rumbling and whining and will blow up any minute. And mine too creaks when you sit down and sometimes tips one way or the other. Im expecting to land in the basement if Mr Gab doesnt fix it soon!
BUT OH MY Do I want your tub! I love those old fashion deep ones. I dont have one now but back when Mr Gab and I were first married and I was expecting our first, the apartment we were living in at the time had one. Gosh the long bubble baths I used to take.......Bad thing I always got in but couldnt get out(at least not by myself.

Walker said...

Peter: I try and try but I knew I'm so full of it I could squeeze a post out

Walker said...

Michael Manning: You should have asked if jep planes make people go to the washroom more than they do on propeller planes lol

Walker said...

Puss-in-Boots: Wooo Hooo another award, thank you.

It's only painful if you eat firehouse chili the night before LOL

Walker said...

gab: I know what you mean about getting out of those tubs. But man is it nice to lay back in out and pass out which I have done alot

Robyn said...

Just came by to say HELLO! Now good bye! LOL! Just love ya!

Walker said...

Robyn:L Well thank you Robyn, now if you could stop by my plac3e and help me paint i would love that even more or maybe separate the dog and the cat from killing each other LOL

Monogram Queen said...

Is it terribly wrong that I laughed about your poor, poor Mother!

I learned about Thomas Crapper at Hooters. Yeah a fountain of info there!

deni said...

Hi Walker.

I owe you and everyone else an apology for my disapearing act. I am back, and posting at Time to Tell. It explains my absense.

Walker said...

Monogram Queen : You can learn alot at Hooters and sitting on the toilet.
Hmmmm I wonder what you could learn sittig on the toilet at hooters? LOL

Walker said...

deni: It's about time.
I thought aliens had abducrted you and you liked being probed so much you decided to fly away with t hem :)