blue moon (2)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Why Me? ©


Most of my life, things happen.

I never win the lottery but I can get run over in an empty parking lot.
I can’t get a date with Angelina Jolie but I can wake up to a psycho blonde trying to drive a knife into my chest.
I can’t climb a mountain but I know how to fall off a 50-foot cliff with my bike.

People come to me for advice and help with personal problems.

Hello, I’m the biggest fuck up there is.
Ex drug dealer/enforcer/bouncer/truck driver
I’m not a councillor or a shrink but I may need one or both all wrapped up in a straight jacket.

But still people seek me out for help or shit just lands on my doorstep for me to just stomp on when I walk out the door.

A couple of months ago one of my cousins came over for a chat.
He told me his mother was dieing.
The doctor said she had two years at the most providing they kept up with the chemo.
My heart just sank.
I have known her all my life and at one point we all lived together.

For a year now she has been battling cancer by any means the hospital could come up with and they are at a stalemate.
It’s not worse or better but in the large picture, a stalemate means it’s a done deal and so are you.
When the doctor told him that his mother had two years left she was sitting right next to him but she doesn’t understand what was said and he chose not to tell her so she wouldn’t be worried.
After telling me this he makes me promise not to tell my parents or anyone else in the family so that they don’t tell his mother how much of a bad way she is in.
He says he doesn’t want to worry her more.
I gave him my word and have kept this inside me for a couple of months now.

I went through something similar to this eight years ago with my mother when she was diagnosed with colon cancer that had spread into her bladder.
I was with my mother when she was told about this and like my aunt she didn’t understand what she was told.
I had a choice, I could invent some elaborate story and tell her she needed an operation to have a cyst removed but instead I told her the truth, the whole truth and watched her slump in her chair like she was made of Jello, shaking with fear.
I told her we would deal with this together.
My cousin didn’t tell his mother because he didn’t want her to worry any more than she is now.
I told my mother because I wanted her support and help to fight this.
I believe half the battle is attitude and how you approach your problems.
Know the enemy and fight to the end even if it looks like a lost cause when you start because you never know what could happen in the end.
Even underdogs win.

My mother first operation was in November and 3 hours into it the surgeon came in and told us they had made a miscalculation.
They had initially thought the tumour was in the bladder and was the size of a peach but it turned out to be the size of a football and was growing from the colon and they would have to have one more operation to get rid of it totally.

My brother, father aunt and uncle, my mother's brother said that I should tell my mother that they got it all for now until she gets better.
In essence, lie to her but the problem with that; is that in a month she will be going back for another operation to remove cancer yet again.
To her it would be like another outbreak of cancer and I believed then as I still do now it would have been the worse thing to do.
It’s like saying the cancer has returned.
I told them no and they said that I was on my own.


I have always been on my own, on the street and at home.
Maybe I’m to domineering I don’t know but what I do know is I have no time to fuck around; life’s to short for bullshit and our biggest enemy in life is TIME.
The main operation was on Christmas Eve, the same day her father died 30 years earlier from the same ailment.
I told her that Christmas was postponed until she was released from hospital and we threw her a big party after.

For the next five years I had been there with my mother.
When she went to appointments I was there.
When she shit the bed out of fear and my father and brother ran out of the room gagging, I stayed right there even when they stripped her naked to clean her up.
It’s been 7 years since that day and my mother went for endoscopy today, since the one she last had was two years ago.

Last night the phone rang and my mother wanted me to go next door so that she could talk to me.
I go next door and both my parents were in frenzy, both were freaking out because of my cousin.
It seems he went to my aunt’s and told her that she was to stop doing any more treatments and that he was going to order drug that he read about online that will do more for her than the treatment she was getting at one of the best hospitals in the world.
When she said she wouldn’t an argument ensued and out of the blue he blurts out that she is dieing and it’s the only way she would live.
The shock drove my aunt to fly out of the balcony door and flung herself at the railing.

She didn’t go over but the damage was done.
The rest of the night was a flurry of phone calls and family members gathered to console her.
My cousin recanted what he said but it’s to late for that but as it stands she still doesn’t know she has two years to live.
My mother asked me how he could say something like that?
Easy, he knows the truth and so do I but I can’t tell anyone.

I can understand my cousin and why he wants to do that., he wants his mother to get better even if it means desperate measures.
Worry and fear makes you do stupid things.
Hiding things doesn’t help in my book especially in this situation.
It’s a lot for one person to carry on their own but with more people for support the better, I think any way.

So my parents called me over so they could tell me what happened and what I thought about it.
What do I tell them?
I can’t say anything other than I am sure my cousin was thinking of his mother best interests, it just doesn’t sound like using experimental drugs on her at this stage of the game especially when they are from an online source is the smartest thing.
I ended it there and left because we had to go to the hospital in the morning for her to have some tests done.

6:30am the phone rings.

To be continued ………………..

Have a nice day



Blazngfyre said...

I am like you .... get it all out and on the table, and then I can work the problem.
Hiding things doesn't solve anything.

I certainly don't envy the position you're currently in my friend.

I am also so very sorry for your Aunt, your Mother, you and ALL your family.

I'm thinking of you ....

Just telling it like it is said...

matters of the heart are never easy.. holding things in is never a good idea in my exprience ... I wish you peace..

Gypsy said...

I would want to know the truth and take measures to do whatever I could to fight for my life. I feel for you having to carry that knowledge and not be able to say anything. There's no doubt in my mind that your cousin thought what he was doing was in the best interests of his mother but surely she has a right to know what she's up against and how much time she may have. This is her life.

Life throws difficult choices at us all the time and often those choices effect the lives of those we love the most.

My very best wishes to you, your mum and dad and all of your family Walker. Big hugs.

Anonymous said...

Me three or four. Even if you DON'T tell them...they somehow know...then it's worse because then they know you're lying to them... Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place...but you did the right thing with your mom, but perhaps it's not for everyone...

BikerCandy said...

I'm with you too Walker, I just don't think keeping secrets is ever the answer. She needs to know so she can fight for her life. I hope she is ok and I feel so sad for her to have to learn it like that. Man...the universe can be so cruel sometimes!

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: I hate having to keep something like this from my parents especially when it concerns someone they have known since birth.
I hate secrets period.

Walker said...

Just telling it like it is: No they aren't and trying to find a middle grouns is harder when secrets are kept away from someone.
Beating around the bush only confuses matters i think.

Walker said...

Gypsy: I know what he wants to do is for the best interests of his mother but sometimes getting desperate makes you do the wrong things.
I'd hate to see him get his way and fail.
That would be alot of blame to carry around

Walker said...

jyankee: Everyone one has their way of dealing with life.
That's why we have wars.

They have always been a secretive family its only recently thatthey have reached out with their personal problems.
My immediate family are more open and look for solutions and moral support when one of us is down or someone we know.
When my mother hears that someone she knopws is in the hospital she gets me to drive her to the pharmacy to buy something for that person and goes to the hospital.
She's always been like that.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: I agree with that, it's our way but they way they think, the less you know means less stress.
I would debate if that was true.
Failure would stress me more if the treatment they were giving me wasn't working and not knowing why.

muse said...

Wow, that is really sad that someone would actually lie to their own mother about her life expectancy. Secondly, why would his mother's physicians allow that to happen.

Recovery is all about the person's attitude...she can't have an informed attitude if she doesn't know the truth. AUGHGHGH! This is wrong on so many levels.

Walker said...

muse: When it come to something like this, where a person is dieing then it happens alot.
People think that the sick person woudl be better off if his mind was at ease.
I don't agree with that but it is an old way of thinking.
They think what you don't know won't hurt you.
I think the most importanct part is that it wasn't done out of hate but love and fear.
Both very powerful reasons

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, I agree with everyone else - I think it would destroy me to think that people deceived me (even if it were in what they perceived to be my best interests). I'd find it hard to trust anyone again. And yes, you need to know what it is you are fighting.

I do feel for you - what a horrible position to be placed in.

I love your template by the way. I don't usually notice such things but yours is well cool! I feel like I am floating in space being here.

Walker said...

Reluctant Blogger: I think we are all on the same page with knowing what we need to know when it concerns our health.
I understand that we want to protect people from moroe pain but not telling them is worse for them and you.
Your heath suffers when you take on so much on your soul.

Selma said...

How terribly sad for all of you. I'm like you - I'd rather know what I'm up against, but to be told you are dying and that there is little chance for recovery would be like a blow to the head, so I understand why some family members have wanted to say nothing.

My friend, Andie, died a few months back from breast cancer. After her initial surgery it was revealed how far the cancer had spread. The prognosis was very bleak. Her husband and one of the doctors didn't want to tell her she was likely to die so she would keep fighting. But I, her mother, and her sister felt she should know the truth so we convinced her husband to tell her. I still wonder if we did the right thing. I still wonder if knowing how bad it was affected her ability to fight. She took my hand the day before she died and told me she was glad I had been honest with her....but I still wonder. I sympathise so much with what you're going through. Take care.

Monogram Queen said...

My Mom is a two-time breast cancer survivor (masectomy both times) so I know cancer can be beaten but..
it's so scary.
Your family is in my prayers my friend.