Just Another Day In The Life Of A One Armed Blogger ©

Fuck, the title is long enough for a post.

You know what I love about living in this house?
It’s 1 am and the tunes are cranked all the way up to 8 out of ten and the surround sound has everything in the house vibrating but they can’t hear me next door.
The walls are so thick they didn’t even hear me shooting at the rats with my gun in the basement.

Today in the mail I got myself another invitation for a wedding.
You should have seen the envelope it came in.
It was as big and thick as a DVD, for a second there my filthy, dirty, perverted mind got the better of me but after I opened the package I saw it wasn’t a DVD of “Abeer Does Bagged Dad”.

Opening the envelope I pulled out a fancy folder type envelope that had a buckle covered in rhinestones.
You open the buckle and the thing unfolds to and bottom exposing a folder type setup inside.

The folder was made of expensive cardboard with a silk ribbon simulating a belt going around the outside.
Lets just say this is a 20-dollar card and I know they sent out 250 of them.
Taking the card I go next door and my parents were trying to figure out how to break into their when I walked into the kitchen.

My cousin is getting married to a nice girl who comes from a well to do family.
Money is not an option in fact the wedding will cost about 150 grand.
If they are going to spend that kind of money I think they should give the guests each a car so we could honk the horn when they leave the reception.
Well, I just think if you are going all out might as well go all the way don’t you people think?

I mean come on; I don’t give a fuck how much money you have, why give your guests a 13-course dinner?
20% of them are kids who just wait for dessert and the old people make about another 20% who don’t eat much any more.
20% are fat people trying to loose weight and they don’t eat much.
20% are skinny people who don’t want to look like the fat people so they don’t eat much.
15% are the wedding party who barely fit in their wedding clothes and eating too much is impossible in their Armani prisons and what ever designer dresses the bridesmaids are wearing.
4% will get to drunk by the time the food arrives and won’t eat at all.
That leaves 1%, so I guess I’ll have to eat all the food. HA HA HA!!!!

Open bar, all you can drink and there isn’t anything missing from the bar and the reception is 6 blocks from my house. “Wink”
A rough estimate is 600 people. Could be more I am told.

As I read the invitation I noticed that they are getting married twice.
First in the Catholic Church and them they whole party will go to the Greek church and get married there.
My mother said that was stupid. After they finish in the Catholic Church they would be married so why bother going to the Greek Church.

I told her that after they get married in the Catholic Church they are going to city hall for a divorce before they go to the Greek Church to be married again just to get it out of the way now instead of seven years down the road.
She actually wants to go to both weddings and the divorce now to see what it’s like so it’s going to be a busy day that day.

To make matters worse my ex chose today to stop by with one of my daughters.
This is the EX that put me through hell to see my kids and then after I got my rights upheld she dropped off the face of the earth for 8 years when she changed her name and moved 4000 miles away.
Now she is back into our lives and stops by.
She saw the invitation and picked it up to read whom it was for and what it entailed.

The first thing she said was, “This must have cost a lot”.
The second thing she said” I haven’t been to a wedding in a long time”.
The third thing she said was, ”Are you taking us too”.

Ummmm ………………………………..No.

She’s not dumb.
She spent 17 years with me and knows what this is going to be like because she has accompanied me to some pretty extravagant events and this one we will be in the front next to the head table because my father is the head of his family and its his brothers youngest son whom is getting married.
Did I mention my ex loves her booze?
Well she used to I have only seen her since Christmas and nothing before that for eight years but one of the girls told me that when she drinks she goes berserk.
Tell me something I don’t know.

I do my best and pretend the last eight years never happened but seeing the mess my kids are in it’s not easy.
The oldest has a good job but she is an introvert and stays to herself.
She still won’t talk to me.
My youngest is shy, to shy and one of the reasons she dropped out of school which I am subtly trying to rectify.
I am doing my best not to push in and get them to back off.
It’s not really my style but eventually I will have to bite the bullet and read the riot act.

I grew up on the streets and I don’t want them to fall down that path.
My ex should know better to but her brain is fried I think and I am not saying that because of our history.
She let a kid decide if she wants to go to school and when the kid gets tossed out she blames the system.
I don’t think so.

On the arm and shoulder front, I have an appointment on Friday with my doctor so he could have a look at it.
He also made it clear he wants me to work on his computer while I am there.
Everyone wants something.

Last night I was pretty much forced to help my brother carry one of his soft drink machines into the back using one arm.
I told him I couldn’t even move my left arm but the alternative was to let my 80 year old father help him carry the 400 pound machine.
So I ended up strapping my side to my right arm and picked it up with my right side and when he let his side slip.
I was sooooooooooooo tempted to let the fucken thing go and turn him into a pancake.

It seems the only position I could keep my arm in so that it doesn’t hurt as much is straight up in the air which looks funny as I am walking down the street pointing at the sky.
Every person I pass always looks up to see if ET is going home.
This weekend I am off to Montreal for a wedding.I hope they play a lot of music from the 70 so I could camouflage my arm dilemma.

Have a nice day

Walker