What's The Date? ©

Have you ever had the problem of opening the fridge and when you look inside it's full but you have nothing to eat?
The problem is when I go shopping I keep buying food and loading up t he fridge and stuff that was already in there gets pushed back out of sight by the new food and take a life of its own and in some cases starts a new civilization in some unseen corner of the crisper or maybe veggie level.
Even in the freezer there are foods in there that are cryogenetically frozen for future generations of my family to find and battle for the supremacy of the ice maker.
So on Tuesday I decided that I was going to eat what is edible in the fridge and throw out what is not before I went out shopping on Friday.

It’s not only the fridge that’s in disarray, but the pantry is over flowing, as are the other cupboards that store various items from food to cleaning materials.
The first started with the fridge and brought the garbage can next to me as I sat on the chair pulling out item by item and checking the expiry dates on the bottle.
I must have 30 bottles of different condiments from every fucken continent on the Earth and by the look of some of the contents in a few bottles we could add a couple of planets because what was growing in them couldn’t have been from this planet.

I have so many bottles of hot sauce in my fridge that there should be a radiation sign on the fridge door.
I really can’t eat it any more because it really messes up my stomach but I’m to stubborn to admit it so I keep eating it so I could suffer in the morning.
I get them from a, "burn you asshole boutique" in the market.
They are so toxic they don’t even have and expiry date, probably because the customer expires on the toilet before the sauce goes bad in the fridge.

I put them all on one shelf and dig deeper into the cold fridge corners of my icebox and pull out a bottle of mayonnaise.
It’s one of those new squeeze bottles with yuppie curry flavoured mayo.
I look for the expiry date but I can’t find one.
I think back to when I bought it but I can’t remember so I try and think when was the first time I say this type of squeeze bottle so I could at least find a ball park of when the bottle was at least made so I could guestamate how bad the mayo was but the closes I could come was over a year ago.
I put the mayo on the counter in the review section and dove into the fridge and pulled out another bottle of mayo like the last one but this was just plain mayo.
I looked for an expiry date but again there wasn’t one to be found so I put it next to the other one for the time being.

Back in the fridge I pulled out 6 pink grapefruits ranging in age from firm and still good to, it’s time I got this one a pot so it can grow.
I put five of them on the counter and the other one I was taking to the basement late to plant.
Back in the fridge I dragged out a massive bottle of dill pickles that was still half full and put it on the counter.
I didn’t find I expiry date so I figured it was either in there before they started putting expiry dates on things ten years ago or pickles don’t expire until you eat them.
I put them on the counter for now because I was thinking I should find a smaller bottle for them to take up less space in the fridge.
WAY at the back of the fridge I saw a carton of milk.
I sat there thinking, when is the last time I bought milk, 2003 or 2004, hmmm?

I pulled open one of the drawers and pulled out the bbq thongs, I wasn’t taking any chances of being bit by the unknown.
Securing the carton I dropped it into the garbage can and proceeded back into the cold coffin where I discovered yet another bottle of mayo but this was a round glass one.
I’m not really a mayo lover but when I go shopping sometimes I forget that I have something and go ahead and buy a new one only to find I have more at home.
I looked at the bottle and the expiry date said Sept 8 2005.
Hmmmmm

The other two bottles had no date but this one did which made it a lot easier to decide which ones to throw out and which to keep.
So I tossed the two without a date because I at least knew that I had until September with the bottle mayo, it’s only May 30 now.

I found some carrots and lettuce or at least I think they were.
They looked like a coagulated primordial soup at the bottom of the crisper, which will now be called the incubator.

By the time I finished cleaning the fridge the garbage can was full and the fridge still had some food in it that I was determined to eat before I went out on Friday to do my shopping.
Next I went to the look at what was under the sink where I keep my cleaning supplies.
The last time I went under there I couldn’t find anything because it was packed with all the stuff I had been jamming in there blindly over the last 10 years.

Contents of cupboard under the sink:
A gazillion plastic store bags, Biggie is going to have to poop a lot to fill these
2 cans of WD40, just in case I run out of PAM
3 bottles of black shoe polish, I don’t own black shoes
4 containers of plant food, hmmm maybe if I dip the carrots in this it would help them re-hydrate
1 gallon of extra virgin olive oil, I didn’t even know olives had sex
1 gallon of corn oil
1 gallon of vinegar
Shine and glow for the floor, my floor’s so bad it doesn’t need shine and glow, it needs just to go
4 boxes of shotgun shells, so that’s where they were, I wonder where the shotgun is?
4 vases
Dutch cleaner, I was hoping for a French maid
4 packs of dish sponges
2 large jugs but not attached to a redhead
1 box of rat poison, wow that’s been here for a long time.
Hold on, I don’t believe it.
There is an expiry date on the rat poison.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!

The expiry date says Feb 2001?!
A long while back I had a problem with rats, which BTW I hate with a murderous passion.
That goes back even farther when I woke up in the middle of the night as a kid and found my bed crawling with them.
My uncle ran into the room to my screams and using a shoe he bashed them as I still lay in my bed.
Since then I get the creeps where I see one and have killed hundreds since then for no more reason than they are RATS.
My doctor once told me I should get a pet rat to get over it.
I got a new doctor.

One summer a couple of rats got into my house and I declared WAR until they were all dead and got cats in since then to deter their return but to get rid of them I used rat traps that were as human as was the guillotine in France and bated them with bacon flavored poison.
I was going to get them one way or the other.

I sit here looking at the box of bacon flavored rat poison and I see it has expired.
I would have never thought that poison expired.
I always thought that what ever ate it expired.
Huh go figure.
But hold on, what does this mean?
Does it mean, it doesn’t kill rats anymore or is it fit for human consumption now?
You know a couple of sunny side eggs with a side order of bacon flavored rat poison might just be what some people need to pick them up in the morning.
Who’ll notice a few chunks of hair falling out of you head besides I hear punk is coming back and you’ll look hip and stylish before the rest of your friends.

HELL, you could even use it as an excuse at your murder trial.

“But your honor, the date had expired and he kept bugging me to slap the bacon on the table for him to chew so I sprinkled a little on my pussy for flavor, I didn’t think it would kill him”.

I was just about ready to throw it out when I figured I better keep it just in case.
Even if it didn’t kill the little fuckers at least it would get them stoned enough to play chicken with the rattraps.

That’s about it for this cupboard and now to the pantry.
I open the door and there are three bottles of peanut butter staring at me.
This may take awhile so I’ll talk to you all later.

Have a nice weekend

Mmmm, crunchy.
Are raisins supposed to be crunchy?
Are these raisins?
It can’t be rat…….

New pink grapefruit trees from the fridge



Walker