blue moon (2)

Sunday, June 01, 2008

What's The Date? ©

Have you ever had the problem of opening the fridge and when you look inside it's full but you have nothing to eat?
The problem is when I go shopping I keep buying food and loading up t he fridge and stuff that was already in there gets pushed back out of sight by the new food and take a life of its own and in some cases starts a new civilization in some unseen corner of the crisper or maybe veggie level.
Even in the freezer there are foods in there that are cryogenetically frozen for future generations of my family to find and battle for the supremacy of the ice maker.
So on Tuesday I decided that I was going to eat what is edible in the fridge and throw out what is not before I went out shopping on Friday.

It’s not only the fridge that’s in disarray, but the pantry is over flowing, as are the other cupboards that store various items from food to cleaning materials.
The first started with the fridge and brought the garbage can next to me as I sat on the chair pulling out item by item and checking the expiry dates on the bottle.
I must have 30 bottles of different condiments from every fucken continent on the Earth and by the look of some of the contents in a few bottles we could add a couple of planets because what was growing in them couldn’t have been from this planet.

I have so many bottles of hot sauce in my fridge that there should be a radiation sign on the fridge door.
I really can’t eat it any more because it really messes up my stomach but I’m to stubborn to admit it so I keep eating it so I could suffer in the morning.
I get them from a, "burn you asshole boutique" in the market.
They are so toxic they don’t even have and expiry date, probably because the customer expires on the toilet before the sauce goes bad in the fridge.

I put them all on one shelf and dig deeper into the cold fridge corners of my icebox and pull out a bottle of mayonnaise.
It’s one of those new squeeze bottles with yuppie curry flavoured mayo.
I look for the expiry date but I can’t find one.
I think back to when I bought it but I can’t remember so I try and think when was the first time I say this type of squeeze bottle so I could at least find a ball park of when the bottle was at least made so I could guestamate how bad the mayo was but the closes I could come was over a year ago.
I put the mayo on the counter in the review section and dove into the fridge and pulled out another bottle of mayo like the last one but this was just plain mayo.
I looked for an expiry date but again there wasn’t one to be found so I put it next to the other one for the time being.

Back in the fridge I pulled out 6 pink grapefruits ranging in age from firm and still good to, it’s time I got this one a pot so it can grow.
I put five of them on the counter and the other one I was taking to the basement late to plant.
Back in the fridge I dragged out a massive bottle of dill pickles that was still half full and put it on the counter.
I didn’t find I expiry date so I figured it was either in there before they started putting expiry dates on things ten years ago or pickles don’t expire until you eat them.
I put them on the counter for now because I was thinking I should find a smaller bottle for them to take up less space in the fridge.
WAY at the back of the fridge I saw a carton of milk.
I sat there thinking, when is the last time I bought milk, 2003 or 2004, hmmm?

I pulled open one of the drawers and pulled out the bbq thongs, I wasn’t taking any chances of being bit by the unknown.
Securing the carton I dropped it into the garbage can and proceeded back into the cold coffin where I discovered yet another bottle of mayo but this was a round glass one.
I’m not really a mayo lover but when I go shopping sometimes I forget that I have something and go ahead and buy a new one only to find I have more at home.
I looked at the bottle and the expiry date said Sept 8 2005.

The other two bottles had no date but this one did which made it a lot easier to decide which ones to throw out and which to keep.
So I tossed the two without a date because I at least knew that I had until September with the bottle mayo, it’s only May 30 now.

I found some carrots and lettuce or at least I think they were.
They looked like a coagulated primordial soup at the bottom of the crisper, which will now be called the incubator.

By the time I finished cleaning the fridge the garbage can was full and the fridge still had some food in it that I was determined to eat before I went out on Friday to do my shopping.
Next I went to the look at what was under the sink where I keep my cleaning supplies.
The last time I went under there I couldn’t find anything because it was packed with all the stuff I had been jamming in there blindly over the last 10 years.

Contents of cupboard under the sink:
A gazillion plastic store bags, Biggie is going to have to poop a lot to fill these
2 cans of WD40, just in case I run out of PAM
3 bottles of black shoe polish, I don’t own black shoes
4 containers of plant food, hmmm maybe if I dip the carrots in this it would help them re-hydrate
1 gallon of extra virgin olive oil, I didn’t even know olives had sex
1 gallon of corn oil
1 gallon of vinegar
Shine and glow for the floor, my floor’s so bad it doesn’t need shine and glow, it needs just to go
4 boxes of shotgun shells, so that’s where they were, I wonder where the shotgun is?
4 vases
Dutch cleaner, I was hoping for a French maid
4 packs of dish sponges
2 large jugs but not attached to a redhead
1 box of rat poison, wow that’s been here for a long time.
Hold on, I don’t believe it.
There is an expiry date on the rat poison.

The expiry date says Feb 2001?!
A long while back I had a problem with rats, which BTW I hate with a murderous passion.
That goes back even farther when I woke up in the middle of the night as a kid and found my bed crawling with them.
My uncle ran into the room to my screams and using a shoe he bashed them as I still lay in my bed.
Since then I get the creeps where I see one and have killed hundreds since then for no more reason than they are RATS.
My doctor once told me I should get a pet rat to get over it.
I got a new doctor.

One summer a couple of rats got into my house and I declared WAR until they were all dead and got cats in since then to deter their return but to get rid of them I used rat traps that were as human as was the guillotine in France and bated them with bacon flavored poison.
I was going to get them one way or the other.

I sit here looking at the box of bacon flavored rat poison and I see it has expired.
I would have never thought that poison expired.
I always thought that what ever ate it expired.
Huh go figure.
But hold on, what does this mean?
Does it mean, it doesn’t kill rats anymore or is it fit for human consumption now?
You know a couple of sunny side eggs with a side order of bacon flavored rat poison might just be what some people need to pick them up in the morning.
Who’ll notice a few chunks of hair falling out of you head besides I hear punk is coming back and you’ll look hip and stylish before the rest of your friends.

HELL, you could even use it as an excuse at your murder trial.

“But your honor, the date had expired and he kept bugging me to slap the bacon on the table for him to chew so I sprinkled a little on my pussy for flavor, I didn’t think it would kill him”.

I was just about ready to throw it out when I figured I better keep it just in case.
Even if it didn’t kill the little fuckers at least it would get them stoned enough to play chicken with the rattraps.

That’s about it for this cupboard and now to the pantry.
I open the door and there are three bottles of peanut butter staring at me.
This may take awhile so I’ll talk to you all later.

Have a nice weekend

Mmmm, crunchy.
Are raisins supposed to be crunchy?
Are these raisins?
It can’t be rat…….

New pink grapefruit trees from the fridge



Luka said...

I'm so glad it's not just me who has a fridge and cupboards like that! I too have the numerous jars of mayonnaise and - for some reason - burger relish. I really must have a clear out.

Sally said...

Blogger AND Halo are giving me a hellish time today!!

Okay, did I read this wrong? The mayo you kept has exp date of Sept 2005???????????

Be sure to keep us posted on the growth of your grapefruit tree! :)

BikerCandy said...

Whew, it's actually comforting to know my fridge is not the only one like this. Ours is FULL of condiments. I can barely fit any real food in it these days.

I'm totally with you on the rats thing too. They are by far my biggest fear and I hate them.

Way funny post thanks for the chuckles.

gab said...

Funny I just did all of my cuboards and my fridge as well like 4 days ago. I cant belive it I have hold on to your hat 12 12!!!! jars of peanut butter 3 creamy and the rest crunchy! I dont like crunchy which might explain why there are so many. lol I honestly didnt know you could grow a grapfruit tree (or plant) from rotten grapefruits! Live and learn huh? OBTW After I got done I basically had totally no food left to eat and then Mr Gab said sorry no money for awhile. Now when I look for something I find..................................................emptiness

gab said...


Walker said...

Luka: I found two bottles of minced meat in the pantry in the back that have to be there for at least ten years.
I carefully brought it outside just in case a bottle broke in the house and would have to call in HazMed LOL

Walker said...

Sally: Yeah well its June first so I still got four months before September :)

Yeah bloggger and haloscan have been a pain today

Walker said...

BikerCandy: Rats give me the creeps, period.

Its all because i can't remember what I need when i go shopping and speculate on what I need so I end up with lots of stuff I don;t really need.
I have cans of coconut milk from my Thai cooking phase that are so old they probably are solid in the cans by now

Walker said...

gab: Funny thing, I need ketchep after cleaning out the fridge but I have a gallon of mustard LOL

Michael Manning said...

The "Yuppi Mayo" could make you a millionaire if you market it to snobby neighborhoods! Worth a try!!! Just change the outer labels. :D

Gypsy said...

My husband is one of those people that always saves the leftovers. While I am all for people not wasting food we all know it's gonna sit there til it gets fluffy and then guess who will have to tackle it into the rubbish bin when it takes on a life of it's own? YEP....little ole Gypsy.

Now I have added cleaning out the fridge and pantry to my "to do" list because I did spy a few suspicious looking containers tonight while I was trying to find something to rustle up for dinner.


Gypsy said...

PS Just two things...

(1) Any news on the blood tests?

(2) Did you have a particular redhead in mind ;)

Walker said...

Michael Manning: I rather go into the snooty hoods and hose them down with the yuppi mayo LOL

Walker said...

Gypsy:I'm the same way I am afraid to say.
Living alone its hard to cook for one and end up with more leftovers than I can handle at ties and they get pushed back deeping inot the fridge until they are out of sight and spawning with what ever else is in the to create some new hideous life form.

I won't know for a week

Bollinger Byrd said...

I have the fridge solution keep it empty, it works really well in this house anyway. And doesn't matter how many times I open it the jar of mayo has not spawned any other food stuffs..... Maybe I should shop instead now and again. But that just costs money and youngest with attitude eats it!

Nan said...

I'm here, I'm here. Sorry for the long abscence.

Walker said...

Bollinger Byrd: I would keep i t empty but my stomach thinks faster than my brain and fills it up before i realize I'm broke LOL

Fuck food is expensive lately isn't it?

Wait for the son to move out and get his own fridge then you stop over and eat his food LOL

Walker said...

Nan: YAY!!!!!!!!! Rushing over

Monogram Queen said...

Cleaning out the fridge totally grosses me out!
When we moved from our 25 acres to town you should have seen the looks on our faces when we cleaned out the Fridge and pantry. It rivaled yours is all i'm saying!

Anonymous said...

If the rat poison was cacchiolide, expired means it has become unstable and quite dangerous for humans to handle.

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: I found things I couldn't identify LOL
Even the cat took a wide corner when passing the garbage can.

Walker said...

Anonymous: That's good to know and will look into it, I just hope you're not a big rat with typing skills trying to get me to throw out my rat poison lol

nachtwache said...

I love your humor! You do know we are in the year 2008??? Mayo-2005 :) Mayonnaise can actually make you sick, I guess because of the raw eggs.
I usually eat the leftovers, unless it's something the guys really like, then it doesn't last long.
We make a list of what we need; our son is paranoid about food having gone bad, he'll throw out things that are still good to eat.
You find fodder for blogging in the most mundane things and create a comedic masterpiece!
Take care!

Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh I'm so glad I'm not the only one with a frig/cupboard full of the same product... just old and then .. older.

I recently found some cheese in a tin that I believe I received in 1991. No joke.

Do you think it's still good?

Walker said...

nachtwache: I believe anything can be what you wish it to be. I choose to make light of it and who knows if we laugh hard enough the world will join us :)

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: Save it for someone you don't like and test it LOL

I think we all have food that old. I have some that may go back to the Mayans

Anonymous said...

oh we got stuff growing in our fridge too...and they dont look anything like your grapefruit plant... we once found some chicken... i cant describe it...but it should've been on "x-files"...

Walker said...

JYankee: My mother once went downstairs to the freezewr to take something out.
Theyhave 5 freezers of food down there.
She pulled out some stuff at the top to get what she wanted underneath and put almost everything back.
A week later my father found the crawling chicken she for got to pu bqack and had fallen behind the freezer.
It was maggot city in the bag

having my cake said...

I have teenagers. There is very rarely anything good left to eat in our fridge.

Walker said...

having my cake: I can believe that. My daughter can clean out a supermarket and then go to McZDs for a snack lol

Peter said...

I bought a spice rack and some small jars of dried spices when I renovated my kitchen in 2004, some of these jars still have the cellophane seal around them, does the use by date still count?

Walker said...

Peter: I don;t know but to be safe test them on the neighbours first lol