blue moon (2)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Tasty Testy ©

I have been in a bit of a rut lately or just plain lazy to post so I just lay down taking it easy.
It may be the weather or a vitamin deficiency, who knows but I have to go for blood tests Friday, which are always fun, fun, fun, fucken vampires.
I also have to take my mother for a colonoscopy next month to because she requested it.
The doctor said she didn’t need one but I told him he might as well because she would only bug him until he did and besides, it’s probably the only sex she’s getting anyway at her age.

The question now is to post or not to post and if I do post, what do I post about?
I could post about this or maybe about that.
Then again I could post about what happened to the computers I fixed or maybe about that guy who ran into a car while jogging.
How the fuck can you not see and parked car infront of you?
I mean it’s not like it’s Wonder Woman’s car so it’s not invisible.
Maybe he thought that he was running so fast “10 kph” he could shift time and pass through matter.
If that were possible people would be running to the bank more often, specifically to the vault for some gas money.

I could post about laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep while watching a show on the Discover channel called Man vs Wild staring Bear Grylls.
This guy travels the world showing people how to survive in extreme places.
Last night he was in the Sahara Desert.

Now I have watched a number of his episodes and must admit I have learned a few things and it’s one hell of a show but last night’s episode or should I say this morning’s episode because it was 4 am when I say it, he was in the Sahara Desert teaching his viewers how to survive out in the sun, sand and wind.
He even spent a couple of nights with some Berbers and they
showed him a trick or two about surviving in the desert.

The Berbers liked him so much, they had him slaughter a goat for dinner in his honor and, AND, bestowed upon him the great privilege and HONOR of eating one of the goat’s raw testicles while it was still warm.
He said it tasted good, nothing like chicken.
Hmmmm, I’m sure a few ladies out there have heard that before from someone they used to know, god rest his soul.

It’s an honor to eat a warm sack of sperm while the little buggers are swimming frantically around trying to escape the whale of a mouth descending upon them and not a sperm bank around when you need one to make a quick deposit.
I’m sorry, the closest I am ever coming to eating warm balls is the sweet and sour chicken ball variety and that’s the only animal balls I am eating.

It’s like that joke I heard once where a tourist visiting Spain stopped by a café for a drink and as he was sitting there he noticed the person next to him had a plate with to big round balls on it smothered in a brown sauce.
When the waiter came over he asked him what that other customer was eating and the waiter said that they were the balls of the bull that was killed in the arena that afternoon.

The tourist was shocked and intrigued at the same time and asked the waiter if he could get him and order too but the waiter told him that they only kill so many bulls in a day and they were lucky to get that.
The tourist was disappointed but the waiter said that if he came the next day at lunch he would save him some to try.
Now that made the tourist happy.

The next day at noon, the tourist rushed to the café and sat there waiting for the waiter to come out and when he did he asked him if he had a plate of balls.
The waiter winked at him then went back into the café and came out ten minutes later with a plate with two balls on it.
The waiter placed it infront of the tourist and told him to enjoy his meal.

The tourist looked at them for a bit and noticed that they were a lot smaller than the ones that customer got the day before.
Taking the knife he started cutting into it and found them to be a little dry but the sauce was tasty.
After he had finished his meal the waiter came over and asked him how he had liked it and he told him that they were dry but the sauce was very good.
He also pointed out that the balls the customer had the day before were much larger that the ones he had.

The waiter nodded and said he knows these were smaller but the tourist had to also understand that sometimes, the Bull wins.

Back to the Sahara, after the guy leaves his hosts, probably before he had to eat the goat’s raw penis, he headed out into the desert under the scorching sun.
With the sun beating down on him he ploughs through the dry desert sand with his camera crew following.
Now these people don’t help him.
If he were dieing they would just leave him and go have a cold pint somewhere and let the vultures chew Bear’s ass to ribbons, that’s what I, call reality TV.
In fact I think t hey should send the winners of Survivor out in the Sahara to survive like this guy did.
Richard would probably win because he’d eat all the raw testicles he could find.

As luck would have it Bear comes across and old dieing camel laying on it’s side.
The man was ecstatic with finding this poor dieing beast.
I would have been more ecstatic if it was young and alive to haul my butt out of there but no, he needed a dieing old camel to teach us something about survival.
Did he try and save it?
He helped it as about as much as when he slit that goat’s throat so he could chew on its raw testicle.

Why was this poor creature important to him was because he was going to show us how to use it to survive in the desert.
First he was going to skin it and use the hide for a blanket.
Ok, that’s a smart idea especially since it’s fucken cold at night in the desert a blanket would help.
As he is skinning it he cuts a piece of fat and tells us that the Berbers said that it was a delicacy and sweet to eat.
It was probably the same guy that told him it was an honor to eat a goat’s balls.
He bites off a chunk and chews it for about ten seconds and then pukes it all out.
Now that exactly what I would have done to but much earlier, like at the mention of eating raw camel fat.

Then he takes his knife and starts cutting into the camel’s belly looking for one of its stomachs because that’s where it stores water and when he finds it he starts scooping handfuls of water out and starts drinking it.
The whole time while he is doing this he is talking to the camera and telling us what he is doing and why because most of the viewers are bent over the toilet puking and can'tsee him.

After that he takes his knife and cuts open one of the other stomachs, seems camels have three or four like my friend Archie then pulls out what was in there or in this case the camel’s last meal and squeezes it so the juices pour into his mouth.
If his wife could have seen him then and there his kissing her days would be over.

After showing us how to find water out of a dead camel he then guts the animal and drags this long pile of innards away as not to attract jackals that might come looking for a meal at night while he slept.
When that is don’t he cuts off some meat off of the camel and cooks it up for his dinner.
That night he slept under the stars freezing his ass off while wrapped in the rotting skin of the camel and its neck as a pillow.
He said that if a sand storm happened to come up, he assured us he would be safe after he crawled into the body of the dead camel.
That’s the last thing I remember so I must have passed out for one reason of another.

I think that Bear Grylls is one hell of a survivalist but I would like to offer some help into his efforts to surviving in the wilds and the Sahara desert that even some of you might be able to use.

Don’t go anywhere you have to eat testicles to survive especially if they are elephant testicles.

Or I could write a post about the two women who want to marry me.
Then there is the one where I went on a road trip with Mike and drove into an ice storm in the middle of nowhere with nothing around but cows and no bulls.
We would have starved out there without any honourable food to eat.

Let me think about it a little more then I will get back to you with a post but until then.

Have a nice day

Walker

20 comments:

Luka said...

I've seen that programme! Made me laugh - spending the night in a camel when there was probably a Holiday Inn over the next dune.

Walker said...

luka: The things he shows people on how to survive in situations that he is put in is amazing but really.
How many of us will EVER be in one of those situsations.
In todays world even camels have cell phones attqatched to their humps probably

Gypsy said...

Bear Grylls might be a very clever and resourceful man but can I just say EWWWW.....I'd rather face a sand storm and freeze my ass off than crawl into a dead camel. They smell bad enough when they're alive.

Loved the joke about the bulls balls. LMAO....

having my cake said...

How disgusting! Raw testicles... everyone knows they should be served casseroled with wild rice or in a nice terrine...

Lindy said...

Walker, you could post about shit & it would be funny. But ewwww, please let me at least cook anything I have to eat. Its only civilized!!!!

Walker said...

Gypsy: I would just totally avoid being out into the possition of having to chew the wrong fat.
Besides, I am on a low fat diet LOL

Walker said...

having my cake: Ah I see it's how you prepare the little morsals LOL

Walker said...

Lindy: So cooked would be different
Hmmm would bring new meaning to spagetti and meat balls LOL

Monogram Queen said...

Okay I just simply cannot get past the warm goat testicle. My stomach is churning. Thanks Walker. Blech.

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: Hey it's not my fault its all abotu survival.
Just think eskimo women have to chew raw seal meat so its tender to feed their kids.
If you were an eskimo you would have to do it for Maddie LOL

Peter said...

What some people are prepared to put in their mouths is just amazing Walker!!!

Walker said...

Peter: I don't think its so much what they put in but what they swallow LOL!!!!
I think I just killed part of my sex life HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Anonymous Boxer said...

came by to say good luck with the tests on Friday.

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: Thanks :) I don't suppose you want to take them for me would you?

Blazngfyre said...

Just checking in to see how you are.

Lindy said...

Hey Walker,
I hope those tests went ok for you. Good luck.

Walker said...

Blazngfyre:I'm still feeling me fine :)

Walker said...

Lindy: I hope they do to. :)

nachtwache said...

Reading the comments is entertaining too; your posts are hilarious! I remember you writing about shit, it was funny.
No wonder you have so many readers. You have talent; I'll say it again, you should get published, for money
I'm with you, I stay away from some places! Better him than me!
Thanks for the laughs!

Walker said...

nachtwache: its what I wrtiite about thats funny not me :)
I just want you and everyone else to laugh, I don;t kno about doing it for money. It migh take away how I feel about making people laugh