blue moon (2)

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Dust In The Wind ©

Spit spit spit

Fuck, I am getting sick of FUCKEN CLEANING.
They could send a man to the moon and a tin can to Mars but can they fucken invent a fucken house that cleans itself?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Hepa filter my ass.
Hiccups puffs of dust filter maybe.

I pass over the same damn spot 100 times and the freakin fur is still there staring at me and what’s with the weird rubber smelling incense pouring out of the bottom of it.
Bissell has to come up with something a little more pleasant to smell like maybe Frankincense instead of Fuckinscense

I have this new Bissell vacuum that is supposed to have air filters here, there and everywhere and clean the air as you vacuum.
So far it beats up more dust into the air than it gets into the canister.

I pull the whole thing apart to see if there was an obstruction.
The first thing I find is a soft sponge they probably got from recycling all the padding they used to use in padded bras.
The padded bra industry has suffered a blow because of implants.
This was wrapped around a large pipe that’s housing what is supposed to be a Hepa filter, which looks more like construction paper folded over and over to make it look like and accordion.
Probably using non-union kindergarten labour.

Below that there was a screen that couldn’t stop anything smaller that a pea which t he machine probably couldn’t swallow to begin with.
In front where the exhaust comes out there is another filter which looks more like a worn out wool sock but smells worse.

I didn’t find anything blocked anywhere.
Not that any of these filters were capable of stopping anything which was evident by the cloud the cat was doing somersaults in.

I started putting the thing back together again until I got to the exhaust filter and decided to wash the smelly sock before I put it back.
With everything snugly back in its original place and a clean and slightly soggy exhaust filter locked firmly infront I stand the machine up and hit the foot switch.
That pesky whine kicks up to signal the machine is still alive and ready to go. Then I start pushing what feels like 100-pound lead weight across the carpet.
I’m thinking, WTF are the wheels for, there’re four of them and I’m getting a hernia while trying to clean my carpet of cat fur?
I should just shave the fucken cat and save myself from a painful operation.

I stare at the carpet but the shit is still there.
WTF?!

I reach out with my foot and could actually kick the fucken thing a few inches with a nudge.
My head is spinning in disbelief.

I turn on the machine to look at the brush to make sure it’s spinning and it is.
There was dust in the canister spinning around so there was suction.
I didn’t know what to do?
I took it apart twice already and by all accounts the stupid vacuum should be working.

The vacuum was only four months old and I got it from my parents last month.
My mother said she liked her old one better and I was beginning to understand why but this was a hundred dollar machine it should be at least strong enough to give a cockroach a blowjob.
Another thing, what the fuck was the funky smell it emitted all the time when I tried to push the ball and chain across the carpet?

Unplugging it from the wall I turned it upside down and started taking apart the bottom plate so I could see if something was jammed underneath causing the smell and maybe the reason it wasn’t picking anything up.
With the plate off I pulled out the brush and the rubber band but as I touched the band I found it hot and half melted.
I pulling on it a bit and it snapped.
Could this be the problem?

I go next door to the original owners to see if they had a replacement band and as luck would have it my father took out a bag of rubber bands and gave them to me.
He said that the machine went through them all the time.
He also said they it used to work good in the beginning but after awhile it wasn’t working as well.
Now I knew why they were generous enough to give me their new machine.
I look at the bag and I noticed the front said that they were for a Dirt devil, the machine I had was a Bissell.

I told my father that they were for their other machine but he insisted I was wrong.
My father always fights about who is right or wrong.
He is right even when he knows he is wrong BTW.
My mother who always likes butting heads with the old man said there were other ones in the bottom drawer.
My father said they were for the other vacuum but I looked anyway and found the rubber bands for the Bissell.
These bands were not as long as the other ones and I could see what was happening already in my head.
With the weight of the machine pushing down on the brush it wouldn’t turn so the spindle burned at the rubber band causing it to smell and when I lifted it to look underneath the brush spun with out the weight pushing down on it to hold it back.

I went home and put the new band in the vacuum and the thing was now practically sucking up the carpet into it.
When I was done I went next door to see my parents and my mother asked me how the machine was.
I told her it was working like new with the new band and I almost had to fight it to hold it back.

She looked at my father and gave him a dirty look and told him he breaks what he fixes which started another argument.
I think arguing has replaces sex at their age HA HA HA

One time, my parents were going shopping and there is this stretch of road that is long and straight.
People like to put a little weight on their boot to get some speed when they hit this stretch and my father is the same but the police know it to and once in a while they put up a speed trap to deter it.

Now, my father hasn’t gotten a speeding ticket in over 30 years and he still says he wasn’t speeding when he got that, ticket.
So anyway, my 78-year-old father is cruising up this stretch on real estate when this Asian in a small car pulls up.

Here, let me tell it to you in their words as they told me.

I was driving up the street and this Chinese man driving a thimble pulled up next to me and was being a smart ass in his plastic car.

Then your father pushed the gas to pass ahead of him.

No I didn’t.

Yes he did, don’t listen to him.
The car jumped in the air like a rocket.
Just then a policeman jumped out of the bushes holding a cannon in his hand and made your father pull over or he was going to blow up the car.

That wasn’t a cannon.
It was a radar gun.

It looked like a cannon.
Then the police come to the car and ask your father for his license and your father takes out his old wallet that is think like his head and full of paper, like his head.
He has all these papers spread all over the seat looking for his license while the police was standing at the window with the canon in his hand.
He finally found his papers and gave them to the police.


Sir, do you know you were going 80 in a 60?

Oh no not me, it was the Chinese man in the plastic car.

No sir it was you because I had the radar pointed right at you.

Yeah?
The Chinese man was very close.


No sir it was you.
Please wait here until I get back.


He is going to give you a ticket now and you deserve it.

Shut up

You were racing with that other car

Shut up

The policeman started walking back from his car and was holding a piece of paper in his hand.

He is going to give you a ticket.

Shit

Sir, I checked your driving record and could see you haven’t had a ticket is such a long time so I will only give you a warning this time.

Thank you.

No, ticket?

No mam

Why?

Because he is a good driver

You crazy?

SHUT UP!!!

You know, if they could make a riding lawnmower at least they could do is make a riding vacuum

Have a nice day

Walker

18 comments:

Monogram Queen said...

Your parents do crack me up they sound suspiciously a LOT like my parents!
I am glad you got the vacuum cleaner mysteryl solved.
I was truly puzzled over that one!
Your Dad was lucky about the ticket.
I have a feeling my time is coming. I have a bad habit of driving the speed I wish to drive and paying NO attention to what is posted. Not that i'm a speed demon mind you I just drive what I want.

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: They remind me of the Honeymooners and for as long as I could remember they have always been like this, on their honeymoon LOL

I used to have a heavy foot but a truck full of tickets cured me of that HA HA HA

Michael Manning said...

Walker: I kept thinking that David Oreck will read this and contact you to sell you HIS vacuum cleaner! Watch out! Because "Nothing cleans like an Oreck" :D

gab said...

Lol now Im laughing because guess who got a Ticket yesterday and he too claims he wasnt speeding he claims that he was in the express lane for two or more people (with a semi BTW) Yep Mr Gab!!!!! I was with him on Monday night and he was driving fast and I kept telling him slow down the last thing we need is a ticket. He would slow down for all of 2 minutes then speed up again. Well we made it home with out that ticket but I guess he just couldnt live without one! For the very next day(yeterday) he goes and gets one while driving the semi. Now come on your in the express lane with a semi and a cop is going to believe that there are two people in there and that your going o work? ( well ok he was working but you get the pic right?) MEN! Thats all I gotta say about them!
Oh and I hear those other machines DYSON are suppose to be good for picking up cat hairs and dust. I myself cant afford one of those but Id sure would like to know if they work as good as advertised.

Gypsy said...

It's easy to see where you get your sense of humour. I love your parents. Their bickering keeps them young.


I've gotta say, you are handy to have around when a problem needs to be solved. You're a regular Mr fix It.

Blazngfyre said...

Can I adopt YOUR parents?
They're a scream! lol

Stick with a Kirby .... they have fantastic sucking action! ;)

Anonymous Boxer said...

You should write a book. And your parents should be the main characters.

Walker said...

Michael Manning: I will take it if its free. Vacuums are ridiculously expensive like everything else

Walker said...

gab: Thats what happens when you get used to getting away with speeding for so long LOL

Walker said...

Gypsy: I have to be a fit it person because its to expensive to hire others to do it.
Moat things a simple and could be done by us and the big stuff, well you hire the right people for that

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: HA!!!!
You just want my best blogging source lol.

Walker said...

Anonymous Boxer: If I did that they will know I have ben blogging about them and they will kill me. My father would anyway my mother would probably give me more material LOL

nachtwache said...

My family reads my blog, so I have to be careful what I write :p
Might be a good thing.
I tried the Roomba - computerized futuristic vacuum disc. I spent more time cleaning it, than if I'd just used our normal vacuum. We returned it.

Walker said...

nachtwache: I had a filter queen for the longest time then someone came to the house and tried to sell me a Kirby for 2000 dollars.
I rather put in hardwood floors that dishout that kind of money for a canister that wont ecven drive me around the room LOL

Peter said...

Its amazing what the right sized rubber will do for you Walker.

Walker said...

Peter: Tell me about it and they say one size fits all, well thats not all true now is it LOL

BikerCandy said...

Your parents sound very familiar, perhaps because they are identical to mine.

As for vacuums, I love my Dyston...you know it's the only one that "never loses suction" and we all know how important suction can be.

Weary Hag said...

hahahah... my sister's husband (read: live in partner of 12 years) invented the hepa filter.

I'm not kidding, and yes, he was a multi-millionaire. He also invented and patented several other things people pretty much use every day.

We just buried him last week.

What's that about "all the money in the world can't keep you alive?"

hugs