blue moon (2)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Snipettes ©

Family family family WTF would we do without them.

They supply us with all we need in life from food when we are small, support when we leave home, aggravation on how to raise YOUR kids and endless years of entertainment and if your family is Greek, you get heaps of drama thrown in for good measure.

Take this long weekend for instance.
We all gather to sit down to break bread together, usually after we break each others balls for the stupidest reason.
This week’s subject, weddings, we are invited to two of them.
What’s the first thing my mother says, she looks at me and says that for decades she has been going to weddings and showers, spending heaps of money on other people and neither of her son’s have bothered to get married.
You see, she says that but she is starting at me not my brother because she knows with his IQ he wouldn’t understand what she is saying.

I have no idea what she’s bitching about, my brother gave her a granddaughter and I gave her two, well more but if I told her she was a great great grandmother she’d probably dig up the rest of my ancestors and come to kill me with the evil eye.

One of the weddings was supposed to be in Muncton New Brunswick but later changed to Montreal Quebec as to accommodate most of the people who would have NOT attended because it was to far for them to go and another wedding that is taking place here in September.

The one here is in September and not without growing controversy.
My mother and the groom’s mother, my aunt, my mother’s SIL are at odds because of the wedding shower that took place a couple of weeks ago.
Well it’s a lot more than that.
My aunt is shy a couple of marbles and lives in a dream world and coupling that with all the bad things that have been happening, my mother snapped and had enough and told my aunt as much.
Don’t get me wrong, my aunt is a lovely lady and I love her to bits but she is out there in left field at times.

It all started with a phone call I got from a collection agency looking for my aunt for something she owes.
You see, my aunt, while in one of her personalities that thinks she is a millionaire and tries to live a life of grandeur on a disability pension goes out while my uncle was mopping floors from 3 am until 6 pm to keep the bills paid and food on the table and bought all sorts of expensive furniture but never paid for them, so they started hounding them until they moved and basically disappeared off the radar.
It’s my aunt’s mental illness that she is like this, that and she is addicted to painkillers which doctors have been more than happy to keep her supplied with.

So the people who financed her desires want their money now and have to try to find them.
So how do they do that you ask, well they call everyone with the same last name looking for them, that’s how?
This isn’t the first time this has happened and probably won’t be the last so I answer the phone and field the call.

“RING”

“ Hello”
“Good afternoon, I would like to speak to WA”

Hmmm, must be a collection agency.
“I’m sorry, I know no one by that name”.

“Oh come on, there are only four of you in the phone book, how can you say you don’t know this person”?

Damn, why couldn’t my name be Smith?
“I know all the ones in the phone book but I don’t know WA”.

“Sir, you don’t have a common name and our records show that this person lived two blocks from you”.

This lady’s good, probably watches Law And Order.
“Yeah, so what, do you know everyone in your neighbourhood”?

I better get ahead of her a bit or she will jump back on top on me again, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing if she was here.
“I haven’t spoken to my neighbour’s for years, not since me and my friends got stoned then cooked the next door neighbour potbelly pig in the pit”.

OMG, you ate the neighbours pig”?!!!!!

Oh yeah, I got her on the run now.
“It was only fair, they’re from Thailand and they ate my other neighbour’s Shih Tsu”.

OMG, they ate the neighbour’s dog, I thought Chinese people ate cats”?!

OH yeah she is into the urban myth section now.
“They aren’t Chinese they are Thai and Chinese people don’t eat cats, Italians eat cats,
Chinese people eat ducks and lots of Chicken that cough a lot because of bird flu”.

OMG, Italians eat cats”!?

“You’re a very religious lady aren’t you or is it that you get excited easily”?

“Why do you say that?”

“Well I just notice you call out for god a lot and figured you’re either very religious or confrontation gets you really excited until you cum all over your chair”.

“I did not……. you are a RUDE person”.

”Yeah but are you're excited, right”?

“Click”

“Hello”

"Hmm, I guess she had to go to the bathroom".
I don't think she'll be calling back.

So I told my mother about the phone call, minus the other stuff of course, I don’t really want her pissed off at me again especially after the Wal Mart fiasco last week where I went to the intercom and they called out over the loud speakers that I had lost my mommy.

When my aunt told my mother over the phone that she bought a thousand dollar dress, my mother said, “that’s it” in her head and pulled out the phone call I mentioned.
Oh yeah, that opened a BIG can of worms, a big one and you know my mother had to quote her source.

HA HA HA AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH why don’t I just keep my big mouth shut some times?

You know who’s phone was ringing off the hook……………….

The other wedding in Montreal raised another problem.
My parents can’t go because my aunt recently passed away and my parents can’t go to it.
They will the other one in September because this is my father’s brother’s son and my father is the head of his family and is obligated to attend, despite loosing their sister.

My mother says that one of us will have to go to represent our family so I tell her that my brother and his GF should go because they are a couple and it would look better.
You got to think quick if you want to get out of family functions or you end up with bruised cheeks from my aunts and it doesn’t matter how old I am they still pinch the fucken cheeks.
Do you know how hard it is to sit on bruised cheeks?
It hurts when you’re sitting on wooden chairs.

Besides, it’s in Quebec and I’m still wanted over there.
We have a deal, they won’t cross the border to get me and I won’t go over there.
If I want to date a French chick from there I have to go down to the bridge then wave a six-pack of Labbatts 50 beer and a herd will run over.
But then again the Frenchmen would probably beat them across, they’d do anything for beer.

So I’m in the clear, I can’t go so I head off home and lay on the couch watching TV for a couple of hours when Mike showed up.
We sat around talking then he started talking about having to go to the wedding in Montreal and how much he didn’t want to go.
I told him I managed to weasel out of it HA HA HA.
He called me a few choice names and after smoking a joint he left for home.

I was lying there on the couch lost in my little haze when my mother called and asked me to go next door.
I hate going next door when I have a buzz, not because I don’t want my parents to see me stoned but because they make me loose my buzz the second I walk in.

I walk out the back door and into the kitchen via their shed.
No sooner had I gotten through the door, my mother tells me that my brother can’t go because of work obligations and I was the one who would have to go to the wedding in Montreal.

See what I mean, buzz is gone.

I hummed and haaaaed and pressed my case and how if I got pulled over they would lock me up and she would have no one to go shopping with again.

OK, so I’m going to the wedding, at least I will have Mike to keep me company, how bad could that be.
We haven’t been back to Montreal together since that night when we were in that place surrounded by 100 transvestites.
Damn they looked good.
Who knew……………………………

The next day I was watering my plants when Mike showed up so I thought I would tell him the good news that we will be hitting the streets of MOREAL together but he beat me to the draw by telling me how his sister volunteered to go with her boyfriend.
BITCH!!!!!!!!

The last time I went to Montreal with her, she was in the back seat watching me making out with someone in the front seat.
They thought I would behave if they gave me an anchor, HA.

So that’s it, I’m going to be flying solo in an old stomping ground where I am not really welcome.
They never proved I bribed that judge or the crown attorney, the guard for that micky of rye and that hooker took her top off to show me her boobs on her own and did they look great mashed up there on the prisoner's box glass.
Ok, I did tell the judge to give me a blowjob but in my defence I don’t speak French so it’s not my fault.

At least I will get a chance to wear that suit again and maybe a disguise.

Have a nice day

Walker


21 comments:

Gypsy said...

This was vintage Walker and was the funniest post I've read in ages. In spite of having an infected tooth, an earache AND a headache all on one side, I couldn't stop laughing at the visuals this post cooked up for me. Do you really think that disguise is going to fly in Quebec?

I hope you manage to get back - I'm sure there's at least a couple of posts worth of trouble in at least one of those weddings.

Teresa said...

Very funny.

But you don't have to be Greek for the drama, I am as English as they come and we have it too.

Monogram Queen said...

Well you should have an interesting post out of it! LOL Your parents kill me!

BikerCandy said...

Well, once again, another funny post Walker. I'm not sure the disguise will fly though. You still look like Walker!

having my cake said...

Loving your method of dealing with unwelcome phone calls :)

Walker said...

Gypsy : I'm happy you got a laugh out of it but I am sorry about your headack and all th other ailments bothering ou.
You need a massage I think. :)

Walker said...

Teresa : Oh I know you don;t have to be Greek as I grew up in a multi cultural neighbourhood and we seen it all from Italians to Irish.
There is always drama.

Walker said...

BikerCandy: You don't think the disguise will work eh, hmmmmm.
Maybe if I wore a caoe with a fluer da die on the back they won't notice me?

Walker said...

Monogram Queen: In a room with 300 people, i may find a thing or two to write about.
I am sure it will be interesting because it will be a mix of cultures, Greek and French.

Walker said...

having my cake: I figure if they call me then they are open game to what ever I feel like doing to them.
I hate people like that and telemarketers. Oh do I hate them and they know when you're having dinner to the scum.

Lindy said...

Just smack em all silly.

Peter said...

That phone call was a gem Walker, does the same pattern work on tele- marketers and IT techs who are not being co-operative.

The Troll said...

That was a tad too long but still funny. VOTE TROLL!

nachtwache said...

I can always count on you to make me laugh! Have you got call display? We just don't answer 800 numbers. Maybe you enjoy playing with them though. It certainly made her day more interesting.

Blazngfyre said...

Mmmmm .... Labatts 50 ....

I haven't had one of those in almost 10 years now!

Those French bitches better step-off ... i'll run their skinny-asses over first! (I'm not worried about the frenchmen, you just tell them you're not interested in them and the'll run and cry like the pansies they are)

Walker said...

Lindy: I could but some of them smack back LOL

Walker said...

Peter: Oh yes, I live to mess with telemarketeers LMAO!!!!!

Walker said...

The Troll: Yeah I know it was to long but they would have killed me if i cut out the ending.
I voted 5 times gezz

Walker said...

nachtwache: Yes I do have call display and I started doung that but sometimes long distance calls from friends in other countries are routed through there and I miss those calls.
I'm happy you got a laugh

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: Oh no no I can find you a better beer than that to drink. Labbats 50 is swill but what the Quebecers like.
Its the cheapest the sell because its recycled beer lol

Michael Manning said...

Just rent a purple crushed velour tuxedo like Joe Pesci had in "My Cousin Vinny" and you'll be a laughing stock. But then, you'll never be invited to another wedding again. Plus, face it. You won't miss the live Greek bands doing horo's with a keyboardist playing traditional Greek music through a Moog synthesizer, while the clarinetist, trumpet player and drummer all sit on wooden Coca Cola crates, right? Trauma avoided!