Winging It ©

I’m sick.
That’s self explanatory, isn’t it?

Sunday the phone rings and it’s Mike, he sounds happy, to Happy.
He says come down to Archie’s.
I told him I was sick, sore all over and I had lost feelings in my legs.
He told me to toss the woman off of me and get down there or they were coming up here to get me.

He hung up the phone and I tried to get up but this sharp pain shot from my back and out through the front of my chest.
As I looked down at my chest I fully expected to see a creature’s head pop through it to spit phlegm in my face.

I fell back onto my electric heating pad and stared up at the ceiling wondering why I have crazy people for friends.
Tilting my head I could see the sun outside and knew it must have been a great day to go for a walk outside and I wanted to go for a walk.

I roll onto belly and crawl out the bottom of the bed and with my feet planted on the floor I manage to push myself up….and up…. aaaaaaaand erect…….aaaaaaaaand slowlyfallingbackwardsintheotherfuckendirection…….. THUD!!!!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Going for a walk hurts like a sonofabitch

Well, I finally got on the TV.

Since I was on the floor it was easy to collect my clothes and crawl much quicker to the washroom than attempting to stand again.
Besides at the rate I was going I would probably fall over the railing in the hallway and end up through the floor and in the basement washroom and we know how that toilet tilts to the left causing everyone to slide off the seat when they’re drunk.

Pushing the washroom door closed I turn on the shower on hot to turn the room into one big sauna.
Heat is the only thing that works to loosen up my back when it’s this bad.
It wasn’t to long after that I could stand in the shower and let the heat work its way through my back.
As I started feeling better I also knew that this was only a temporary solution because as soon as I got cold again I would become stiff as a board so I had to plan ahead.

Stepping out of the shower I dried myself and got dressed.
The room was still steaming from the hot water so I was ok, for now.
When I was finished in the washroom a went out, stepped over Frick and got to the bedroom where I put on a hoody then went downstairs and got into my winter coat before I went for my morning can of coke and pie.
The Breakfast Of Tokers.

As soon as I finished eating I wrapped the scarf around my neck and face and pulled on my gloves before opening the door and stepping out into a world of sunshine with people running around laughing half naked in the balmy sun staring at Nanook aka Walker of the north wobbling his way up the street for some reason I still don’t know.
I couldn’t swallow so eating wasn’t an option.
I could hardly breath so getting stoned was out and as for drinking, my stomach wouldn’t agree with it
So where was I going?

No sooner than I get to the corner the SIL walks out with Biggie and the dog spots me then starts jumping all over me.
I tried to get away from both of them but found myself standing out there listening to the SIL for 20 minutes with Biggie humping my ankle before I got away from them.
My right sneaker was shiny though.

As I got closer to Archie’s place I could see the bodies lying around the outside like a battlefield scene.
When I got within earshot of them I could hear them shouting greetings and insults at me just as one of them fell off the porch and into the driveway, bouncing off of the neighbour’s trunk on the way to the ground but his ego bounced him straight back up to his feet like a broken tennis ball saying he was just fine and not hurt at all as he hobbled back up the steps.

It was a nice day and everyone was in t-shirts but yours truly who was dressed and ready for the next ice age.
My back was beginning to get stiff again and as soon as I reached the porch I ordered someone out of their chair and dropped into it.
Archie looked at me with an angry look in his eye and told me I had no right ordering people around his place.
I told him to shut up and tell someone to bring me a beer since it was his place.

I looked around and could see the carnage.
Two empty bottles of cognac and two magnums of white wine were toast on the table and I could see the shattered remains of another bottle of brandy that must have christened the start of the party.
My uncle looked like someone used a nail gun to glue him to the chair and Arch was so high he was floating like a fat cloud.

Joe, who just fell off of the porch again and onto the neighbour’s car once more might have been drunk or suffering from a concussion.
Three or four other guys were popping in and out but I didn’t see Mike around and I asked where he was but before he could answer Mike’s car pulled up and he brought out two more bottles of brandy, a bottle of scotch and two more magnums of wine, one red and one white.

My uncle is new to this set up and not used to all the booze me and t he boys can consume when we want to party and that’s not including the pot that gets rolled into some of the wackiest joints you could ever imagine.
Archie use 7 joints one time to make a little tree and lit all the ends at once.
That was something to see in the dark when you took a drag.

Was my uncle drunk but they got him to smoke pot to, something I don’t think he has done more than once before and I don’t think he inhaled but it looked like he inhaled today.

I sat there waiting for my beer to get warm enough to drink, watching Archie scotching meat on the bbq and listening to my uncle babble something about loving my father because he raised him and if I had some little tightie for him to fuck all in the same mouthful.
Great like I don’t have enough trouble getting myself laid I got to find some for my uncle now too.
I should just set him up with my aunt next time he’s drunk and stoned.

As the afternoon wore on into evening I had once again become Stickman as my back was in it’s locked up state and I wanted to go home but they wouldn’t let me go.
More booze was ordered and food and as food was mention Archie said that we were all going to the pub on Monday because it was all you can eat Monday for ten bucks.

In their youth they used to be athletes chasing a ball down a field but in their old age they’re athletes who have turned into balls rolling down a field.
The only sport they get into now is who could eat the most wings.
Archie said he would eat ten pounds, as did my uncle.
Archie said he was going to bring George, the human garbage disposal.
I used to be able to eat a lot of wings and have won a few eating contests, once by eating ten pounds in an hour but I almost fucken died and that was in my twenties not at the end of my forties.

The most wings me and the boys have ever eaten in one sitting was 1000 wings but they weren’t the Buffalo wings they have today.
The wings now are more like mutant wings they’re so big.
I told them I didn’t think I would be able to go because I was sick and being there was not helping my chances of going.
Trying to get some sympathy so I could leave.

Archie said that I was responsible for my drunk uncle and couldn’t leave until he could get home.
Great, so I found myself inside the house with two old drunk farts for two more hours feeding them watered down wine hoping they would sober up enough so I could get home to my beloved heating pad.

It was about 6:30 when I had enough and got up and told them I was leaving and that was final then walked out the door and gritted my teeth all the way home.
No sooner had I walked in my mother called and asked me where I was.
I told her and she got angry at me because she said that my uncle (the one who I left hammer at Archie’s) told my parents that we go up there and Archie gets us drunk.
Hmmm, I got to start bringing my camera with me.

To Be continued…….

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes alittle crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down thehall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside yourpajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Wallace ,
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hangingout of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'

Have a nice day

Walker